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Chapter 57: Limited Sweetness
The rain seemed to have lightened. Wrapped in Song Yu’s arms, Yue Zhishi couldn’t hear the sounds of rain; he could only hear his rapidly beating heart.
He felt completely dizzy, his arms and legs weak and sore. Everything felt too good to be true, just like the display items in glass windows — he wanted them even in his dreams, but he was always separated by a transparent barrier. He could only look at them and not touch.
When he heard Song Yu say they could give it a try, Yue Zhishi’s first reaction was to think he was dreaming. He’d already passed the night in an utter daze with only a few slices of memories, and who knows: maybe he was still in his dorm, Song Yu hadn’t come to take him to the hospital and there was no rented apartment.
But Yue Zhishi thought again — based on his usual quality of sleep whenever he was sick, he definitely wouldn’t be able to have such a good dream.
Seeing Yue Zhishi not speaking for so long, Song Yu lowered his head to look at him. He saw his eyes wide open, his two arms loosely wrapped around his waist, looking as if he was lost in his thoughts.
Song Yu recalled his words just then. They truly couldn’t be considered as an acceptable confession. He didn’t seem to have said all that many suitable and sweet words. Other than pouring cold water, he’d only said instructional words.
“Yue Zhishi, are you a bit disappointed?”
Yue Zhishi jerked up his head, staring at Song Yu. Doubt slightly filled his eyes.
Song Yu self-consciously shifted away his eyes. “Should I have bought a gift, or maybe furnished this place a bit prettier.”
“Then I would be even less likely to have that sort of dream.” Yue Zhishi responded with a sentence that came out of nowhere. Song Yu frowned in confusion.
But Yue Zhishi still felt very blissful — he clung to Song Yu, unwilling to let go, and stuck his cheek onto the skin of his collarbones. He didn’t call him gege, only earnestly calling out his name.
“Song Yu.”
“Hm?” Song Yu gave him a response, his palm covering Yue Zhishi’s nape.
Yue Zhishi shook his head, squeezing Song Yu tighter.
The reply that had been delivered through pen and paper appeared in front of him now, changed into a warm embrace he could take shelter in. Since he was three years old, Song Yu had been a beautiful dream Yue Zhishi chased after.
This beautiful dream was out of reach to everyone else, but Yue Zhishi was lucky — he was an exception. He only needed to work just a bit harder, cling just a bit tighter, and he was able to touch that hidden tail, obtaining that gentle touch no one else saw. It was because of this that so many unrealistic fantasies grew in Yue Zhishi.
Little brothers never yearned to stay with their older brothers for their entire lives. It wasn’t like he’d never doubted his own unjustifiable behaviour and way of thinking, but Song Yu had said he could. So he’d believed him all this time, until he broke though this fake safety zone by himself.
The separation anxiety he held towards Song Yu wasn’t because Song Yu was a very good older brother. It also wasn’t because he was a little brother who never grew up — it was solely because he liked him.
“I really like you.” Yue Zhishi nuzzled his face into Song Yu’s collarbone, wriggling without thinking and repeating those words once again. Song Yu shied a bit away from his wriggling and placed his hand on Yue Zhishi’s shoulder. “Don’t fuss.”
Yue Zhishi said he wasn’t fussing, and he ended up accidentally coughing. He wasn’t able to stop once he started and, worried he’d infect Song Yu, turned away to continue coughing. Song Yu wrapped the quilt around him again, subconsciously looking for the medicine.
It was just a false alarm. Yue Zhishi stopped coughing very quickly and took the water and the large pile of tablets Song Yu gave him. Cold capsules, cough tablets, allergy pills — Yue Zhishi very obediently ate them one by one. Except there were truly too many, and so he ran out of patience and swallowed down the last remaining few in Song Yu’s hand all in one go. The pills were both bitter and hard to swallow, and he fell onto the bed, face glum and eyebrows drawn.
Song Yu touched his forehead, thinking he still had a low fever. “I’ll go heat up the porridge. You should sleep after having some food.”
Yue Zhishi caught his hand, looking as if he didn’t really want to let him leave, but he’d only just caught his hand when he let go again, very docilely saying okay.
“I’ll be quick.” Song Yu patted his hand and went downstairs with the cooled bowl of porridge.
Only Yue Zhishi was left in the room. He looked around the room once again, and it looked pleasing no matter how he looked at it. It was a bit empty, but Song Yu still needed to take him to Ikea. It’d be best to go tomorrow — they haven’t shopped at Ikea together before.
He needed to quickly get better.
Yue Zhishi felt a bit weak, so he removed the quilt and burrowed into the blanket, wanting to rest for a while.
The blanket also seemed to be completely new, fluffy and soft, and it held that very new cotton fibre smell. His eyes wandered to his sleeves; he was wearing a pair of black striped pyjamas made of pure cotton, threaded with the smell of Song Yu.
He went into a daze for a bit, and then he abruptly panicked, stretching out his arm to look at it.
That wasn’t right — he remembered he was clearly wearing a pair of dusty blue pyjamas.
Yue Zhishi shoved away the blanket, looking down at that pair of roomy black pyjamas.
They really did belong to Song Yu.
A buzzing noise started in Yue Zhishi’s brain, and he touched the button that was fastened all the way up to his neck. He then looked downwards and pulled open his pants to check. Fortunately, his underwear was still his own.
When Song Yu returned with the bowl of porridge, he saw Yue Zhishi lying on his stomach like a little puppy, his face completely buried into the pillow.
“Asleep?”
Yue Zhishi lifted a hand, waving it at him.
“Then get up and have some porridge.”
Song Yu sat on the side of the bed, forcefully flipping Yue Zhishi over. He realised his face was entirely flushed, and his pair of eyes were still slightly swollen from crying. He looked particularly pitiful. Song Yu very lightly stroked his cheek. “Why’s your face so red.”
Yue Zhishi could feel his ears burning. He was too shy for Song Yu to feed him again, so he grabbed the bowl of porridge sitting on the bedside table by himself and had a bite. It was clearly only a bowl of plain porridge, but it was very sweet.
“Did you add white sugar?” Yue Zhishi asked, his eyes raised.
“I was worried you wouldn’t be able to eat it.”
“It’s really yummy.” Yue Zhishi ate spoon after spoon, and he couldn’t continue eating after finishing a bit over half the bowl, giving it back to Song Yu. Knowing Yue Zhishi’s stomach wasn’t feeling well, Song Yu didn’t force him to keep eating. He only told him to drink some warm water and urged him to lay down and sleep.
“I still have to organise some data.” Song Yu leaned over to touch his forehead. Yue Zhishi really wanted him to kiss him again, but Song Yu didn’t, simply stroking him very tenderly from his forehead to his cheek before caressing Yue Zhishi’s earlobe.
“You’ll feel better after sleeping.”
Yue Zhishi’s entire body felt weak and numb after that chain of movements. It was like a tiny electrical current ran underneath his skin, and his brain fogged up even more. He subconsciously reached out and held Song Yu’s hand.
“Can you not go?”
Yue Zhishi was extremely unsatisfied with the rain today. Since it didn’t thunder, he couldn’t find a suitable excuse and became particularly unconfident.
Song Yu stared at his eyes and, after a little while, unexpectedly nodded. Yue Zhishi struck while the iron was still hot, pleading for him to sleep together with him, but Song Yu refused, saying they only had one blanket. There would be a gap underneath the blanket while they slept, and Yue Zhishi might catch a cold again.
“You could grab another blanket.”
He wasn’t able to change his mind, so Song Yu could only grab the blanket from the other room and place it onto the bed. He went to shower and wore a pair of comfortable and clean looking white pyjamas, coming back in with his laptop.
Yue Zhishi sat on the bed, happily patting the empty blanket next to him. Song Yu had no choice but to turn off all of the other lights in the room, leaving only the little lamp on the bedside table. He then got into his own blanket and started on his work while sitting up in bed.
After getting his wishes fulfilled, Yue Zhishi obligingly snuggled himself up into his own blanket. He turned onto his side, exposing only his head, and stared at the side of Song Yu’s face without moving. Song Yu had still yet to bring over his glasses, so he occasionally squinted as he looked at the data on his laptop. Whenever he did, Yue Zhishi would squish his face against Song Yu’s blanket.
He liked him too much. He needed to take a pause to breathe.
Song Yu focused on his screen without moving his eyes away. “If you don’t sleep, you won’t get better.”
“Then can I continue staying here if I don’t get better?” Yue Zhishi shifted slightly closer again to him.
“Sure. I’ll head back.”
Song Yu started teasing him again. Somewhat hurt, Yue Zhishi retreated backwards a bit. Even though Song Yu didn’t look at him, he still reached out a hand and stroked his hair. “I’m just joking.”
“I’ve already asked for leave for you. It’s the weekend luckily enough, and you don’t have any classes. We’ll need to be careful the next few days, or else your asthma might start again.”
Yue Zhishi gripped Song Yu’s fingers, softly saying, “Mn.”
The night darkened, the temperature dropping. Yue Zhishi was a bit cold, so he slightly withdrew back into his blanket. Song Yu pretty much also finished his work, and he closed his laptop, putting it on the cupboard. He then turned the lamp down to its weakest level and lay down.
Yue Zhishi was still looking at him like before, not making a single noise.
“Is the flu medicine not working?” Song Yu also lay on his side, gazing at Yue Zhishi’s light-coloured eyes. “How come you’re not sleepy?”
“I don’t want to sleep.” Yue Zhishi rapidly blinked, and under the light of the lamp, his thick eyelashes became a soft, downy brown colour. “You might leave after I fall asleep. Isn’t there a room next door? You actually could’ve rented a small, one bedroom apartment.”
His words were too obvious, and the corners of Song Yu’s straight mouth lightly curled up. “I won’t leave.”
He said again, “I won’t leave again.”
Yue Zhishi nodded and smiled too. His smiling eyes held a very beautiful curve, and they were pure and clean, empty of any worries. Song Yu kept getting distracted, thinking this was all a dream.
Whenever that happened, he would reach out and touch Yue Zhishi, double checking if he was truly there. Over the course of this one night, he didn’t know how many times he’d double checked.
Just as he was once again absorbed in his thoughts, Yue Zhishi leaned in. The blankets might have been in between them, but the tips of their noses were almost about to touch. His face was still very red, and he stalled for a while before he finally couldn’t hold it back anymore. “My pyjamas from earlier…”
Song Yu raised his eyebrows just a little, only then realising what he meant. “Your clothes were damp from sweating so much while you had a fever. I changed you into a new pair.”
Yue Zhishi pursed his lips. Song Yu saw through his little expression easily and worked hard to not let himself think about the memory of changing his clothes, forcing a peaceful and clear expression on his face.
“You started showering with me since you were three. I’ve already seen it all.”
Every time he was teased by Song Yu, Yue Zhishi’s face would be covered by a very lively expression, and the look was very much able to please Song Yu — even if the Song Yu right now was struggling with the lingering memory in his brain. Yue Zhishi said that’s true, that’s true, and the rash on his arm started itching again. He scratched at his arm, a bit irritated.
“Don’t.” Song Yu noticed and pressed down on his arm over the blanket. “The more you scratch, the more the rash will get worse.”
“It’s so itchy.” Yue Zhishi rolled up his sleeve. As expected, red spread down the inside of his arm.
He’d be particularly uncomfortable every time a rash appeared on his body. He really enjoyed scratching them when he was younger, and he wouldn’t be able to stop once he started. He didn’t listen no matter what the adults said, and it was only Song Yu who’d thought of a plan — such as cutting his fingernails completely bare. Yue Zhishi had been very afraid of having his nails trimmed, and he and Song Yu used to sit on their own separate little stools when they were younger, Song Yu holding his hand and gingerly yet coolly clipping his nails. Yue Zhishi was afraid of him cutting into his flesh and kept shrinking away.
His nails couldn’t scratch after they were trimmed, and Yue Zhishi could only get Song Yu to touch him whenever he felt itchy.
Just like now.
“It’s useless touching it.” Yue Zhishi looked unhappy. “It’s still really itchy. Why don’t you pinch me.”
Song Yu helplessly glanced at him. “Why didn’t you say bite?”
“You can bite too, as long as it doesn’t itch anymore,” Yue Zhishi emphasised, completely willing to sacrifice himself.
“Fine.”
Song Yu brought his arm up to his mouth, opening his lips. Thinking he was actually going to bite down, Yue Zhishi hurriedly said, “Lightly.”
But he didn’t. Song Yu’s eyes were lowered, and he held onto the bottom of Yue Zhishi’s hand — he very softly kissed his arm covered with rashes.
Yue Zhishi’s heart was beating madly, and he watched Song Yu’s handsome face, watched as the tip of his nose pressed into the skin of his arm when he kissed him. He felt like his entire body was immersed in the aftereffects of such sweetness, and yet for no reason at all, an overly anxious kind of grieving overcame him, one that was not quite in preparation for the future.
If he hadn’t gotten sick today, he definitely wouldn’t have dared to cry and say he liked Song Yu. Then when would he have been able to possess Song Yu?
“Sleep.” Song Yu turned off the light, the room falling into darkness in one moment. He patted Yue Zhishi’s blanket, as if to comfort him. “I’ll buy some yoghurt mousse cake for you tomorrow.”
It was quiet for a while, and Song Yu thought Yue Zhishi had finally fallen asleep. He also closed his eyes, but after only three seconds, his blanket was pulled away. Yue Zhishi wormed his way in without saying a single thing, and he stuck onto Song Yu’s body like a piece of sticky candy, arms going around his waist.
“I’m so cold.” Yue Zhishi tilted his head, his voice soft and light. “Hug me while I sleep.”
He didn’t want to stay by himself in another blanket, unable to reach Song Yu. Only skin contact could make Yue Zhishi feel fully secure.
Song Yu’s body stiffened for a second, and then he said, very unnaturally, “Your body’s clearly warm.”
“Because I’m sick.” Yue Zhishi wouldn’t let go of Song Yu’s waist, and he drew close to Song Yu’s ear. “Gege, can’t you hug me to sleep?”
Song Yu’s heart quickened when he called out gege — Yue Zhishi was forever able to subconsciously know his kryptonite. He slightly turned his face, agreeing to Yue Zhishi’s request with a steady voice. “I can.”
Yue Zhishi was extremely satisfied, and he even kissed Song Yu’s cheek voluntarily, even going to kiss the side of his neck. “Thank you.”
“Be serious,” Song Yu warned.
“I’m very serious,” Yue Zhishi sincerely said. He squirmed in his arms once again after he finished speaking, trying to find the most seamless, gap-free hugging position he could find.
Just as Yue Zhishi wriggled in his arms for the third time, Song Yu could no longer bear it and held down the back of Yue Zhishi’s waist.
“You might’ve been a little brother for too long, and your mind might not have gotten used to it yet. There’s something I need to say clearly.” Song Yu’s voice was a bit hoarse. “Right now, you are lying in the arms of an adult man who holds ulterior motives towards you. Don’t try to test other people’s self-control. That self-control was already depleted by more than fifty percent when changing your clothes.”
Yue Zhishi finally behaved, not moving at all. Song Yu didn’t know if he was sleeping or not, but the face pressed onto the side of his neck was ridiculously warm. Let alone squirming again, he even scratched his own rash timidly.
After threatening him, Song Yu sternly requested, “Give me your hand.”
Yue Zhishi did so, very obediently. Song Yu grasped the hand he stretched out and interlaced their fingers together very firmly.
“This is to stop you from scratching again.” Song Yu left a lot of room in his explanation and fell into his dreams, embracing the now well-behaved Yue Zhishi.
When he woke up the next day, Yue Zhishi was hugging Song Yu’s pillow. He was a bit confused, feeling as though the pillow was intentionally stuffed into his arms by someone. He touched his forehead to check — his fever was completely gone, only his throat still slightly aching, and he didn’t want to get out of bed.
“Song Yu…”
Song Yu came in after he called twice. He had already changed his clothes, wearing a black long-sleeved sweater without a hood and a pair of white pants. He looked very relaxed. “Awake now?”
Yue Zhishi nodded in his nest of blankets. “I’m hungry.”
Of course he was hungry, it was already midday. Song Yu pulled out a set of his own clothes and told Yue Zhishi to wear them after he finished cleaning up.
“Go out for a bit?”
“Sure.”
When he was going down the stairs, Yue Zhishi’s legs, stomach and waist were incredibly sore, as if he’d had a fight with someone. He found the apartment truly very nice — other than the ceiling to floor windows, it also had a very large balcony directly facing a wide span of the lake. The water shimmered, light bouncing off the lake. It was absolutely breathtaking.
“The shoes are a bit big.” Yue Zhishi sat on the sofa and shook his leg after putting on a shoe. There was so much space around his foot. “It’s like I’m stepping on a boat.”
Song Yu came over, and Yue Zhishi thought he was going to laugh at him — he didn’t expect him to kneel on one leg in front of him and mutely undo the shoelaces, drawing them tighter bit by bit to tie up his shoelaces again.
“How is it?” Song Yu lifted his eyes, gazing at him.
This look from Song Yu flustered Yue Zhishi; he could only nod blankly. “Much better.”
So Song Yu lowered his head again and helped him put on the other shoe. He even tugged at his crooked sock. “Already nineteen years old, and yet you still don’t know how to wear your socks.”
“It hasn’t been my birthday yet,” Yue Zhishi quibbled.
Song Yu stood up, a smile hanging from his lips. “So you do know.”
The two of them left once they were ready, and Song Yu drove him out to the neighbourhood. Yue Zhishi left a small crack in the window, and the sweet osmanthus fragrance of the end of September drifted inside.
“There’s a decent dessert shop over there.”
“Are we eating cake?” Yue Zhishi’s eyes brightened.
“Mn.” Song Yu parked the car and took off his seatbelt. “I promised you yesterday.”
Yue Zhishi followed behind Song Yu closely and saw himself reflected on the dessert shop’s glass doors, once again wearing Song Yu’s clothes like last time when he’d stayed over at his dorm. He thought about it differently this time — it felt wonderful seeing himself like that again, as if he was stamped from head to toe with the label I belong to Song Yu.
The small dessert shop was very pretty, its walls a lake blue and decorated slightly in an American countryside style. The circular glass windows were also designed to be pulled up from the bottom. Yue Zhishi really liked the little windows, so he chose to sit down at a table next to one of them.
“Hello, one slice of wheat-free yoghurt mousse cake, one hot flat white and one shot of espresso.” After Song Yu ordered, he told Yue Zhishi to obediently wait for him. He was going to the pharmacy across the street to buy a thermometer.
The slice of cake came swiftly, blueberries and strawberries beautifully spread on top. It looked so delicious. Yue Zhishi picked up a fork, ate a small bite — it was even tastier than Song Yu had described.
A couple sat diagonally in front of him, and the girl fed the guy a bite of their cake. They looked very sweet. So Yue Zhishi placed down the fork in his hand, preparing to wait until gege came back for them to eat it together.
He was going to be like other people and have a magnificent love.
Song Yu bought the thermometer and saw Yue Zhishi’s fluffy head through the yellow circular window as he crossed the road. His phone suddenly rang; it was Yue Zhishi calling.
“How come you’re still not back?” It was as if he’d already waited for a very long time.
“I’m almost done.” Song Yu walked towards him, stopping in front of that window.
Yue Zhishi didn’t react until his shadow cast down on him. He lifted his head and looked at Song Yu’s face with surprise — and then, once again as if something was controlling his body, he lifted his hand and laid it against the glass.
This time, Song Yu didn’t rest his hand on the glass like he did before.
“Hold my hand for a bit.” Song Yu’s voice was deep and gentle through the phone.
He pulled up the glass window and joined Yue Zhishi’s palm with his own — there were no barriers between them, and for a short amount of time, they interlocked their fingers together.
The author has something to say:
Sharing some sugar first, the little couple definitely needs to be fed first after just getting into a relationship.
(spoiler)