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Chapter 58: To Quench a Thirst with Poison
After eating a simple meal in a cafe, Song Yu drove Yue Zhishi to Ikea. The drive was fairly long, and Yue Zhishi fell asleep after taking some medicine, head curved. In order for him to sleep more comfortably, Song Yu adjusted the seat lower for him as he waited at a red light.
The day wasn’t very sunny despite raining all through the night. The clouds were very thick and heavy, and the sunshine could only weakly leak through the gaps. Yue Zhishi occasionally coughed as he slept, and he coughed more than when he was awake, unable to repress the coughs in his dreams.
Song Yu drove, thinking of the many, many similar questions Yue Zhishi had whispered to him in the cafe.
“Why do you like me?”
“When did you start liking me?”
“What do you like about me?”
He hadn’t answered immediately. It wasn’t because he didn’t have the answers; it was only because he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to give a good enough answer and then disappoint Yue Zhishi.
But Song Yu had also wanted to ask those same questions. He wanted to know why Yue Zhishi chose to be together with him — was it because they’d grown up together? Or was it because he had seen only him since they were children.
When talking about treating Yue Zhishi well, Song Yu thought many people would be the same as him, unable to harshly reprimand him. He was kind-hearted, fragile and was born with a pair of eyes that could make someone want to protect him. He was an innocent trap with no shortage of victims willing to sacrifice themselves.
When thinking about it, out of all the people who’d jumped in, it was Song Yu who’d been the most indifferent, the one who’d held him at arm’s length the most.
There were times when a person’s feelings could truly be unjustifiable and beyond reason.
All kinds of colours were blurring together in the grey sky as the flow of traffic converged on the overhead bridges.
Feelings could also be blurred very easily. Under the flow of time, love could become familial affection; friendship could also evolve into love. The boundary lines between these feelings were very indistinct, and Song Yu had also wavered on these lines for many sleepless nights.
The contradictory thing was — on one hand, he hoped Yue Zhishi was aware and understood exactly where he stood. On the other hand, he was afraid of Yue Zhishi being so aware.
Yue Zhishi started coughing again when they were almost at their destination. He turned his head over towards Song Yu, sleeping very peacefully. Song Yu parked the car and didn’t wake him, simply gazing at him for a while with his hand resting on the steering wheel. He realised Yue Zhishi hadn’t really changed from when he was a child; his features had grown up a bit, and his nose had straightened out. But when he was asleep, he still very much felt the same to Song Yu as when he was three years old.
Once, in a fit of spite, Song Yu had thought it would’ve been best if Yue Zhishi hadn’t arrived at his home when he was three and had stayed in England. Maybe he would’ve travelled to China with Uncle Yue before starting university, staying with the Song family for the summer holiday.
That would’ve been their first time meeting. Song Yu would become his tour guide and would take Yue Zhishi to eat all of the local delicacies he’d never tried before.
Maybe Yue Zhishi, at that time, would’ve spoken only British English. He wouldn’t be used to eating chili and brown sugar, and would also dislike the fragrance of osmanthus flowers. Maybe he also wouldn’t like him all that much and think he wasn’t friendly enough. But Song Yu — he thought he would really like Yue Zhishi. He would put in a lot of effort to become his friend in the limited timeframe of one summer, and then logically, naturally pursue him. They would fall passionately in love, would worry over the upcoming separation into different countries, and he would do everything he could do until he obtained approval from Yue Zhishi’s parents.
He thought they would agree — after all, he had once been a small witness to their free love.
When Yue Zhishi woke up, he saw Song Yu lost in his thoughts. He looked out the window and touched Song Yu’s arm, very softly calling gege.
Song Yu returned to his senses and looked at him. “You’re awake.”
If fate decided to offer him an easier path, Song Yu would most likely choose to give it up solely to be called gege, choosing the harder start to his journey with his own free will. He truly did need the unexpected meeting of strangers to lighten his burden, but the three year old Yue Zhishi standing by the door of his room also really needed him. Song Yu thought — he would forever be unable to close that door, unable to reject that child.
The fifteen years of memories were the answer to every question.
“Take a bit of cough syrup.” Song Yu opened the bottle, filled up half the cap and handed it to Yue Zhishi.
Yue Zhishi really detested this kind of medicine, and he hesitated at taking it, frowning. “But I’m not coughing anymore.”
Song Yu didn’t give him much of an opportunity to argue, directly placing the cap at his mouth. Yue Zhisi couldn’t escape and could only drink it. He didn’t want to suddenly suffer from a coughing fit as they were shopping — that would ruin their fun.
They had rarely ever shopped together at a supermarket before, unless Lin Rong dragged them to do some Lunar New Year shopping as part of their family’s Lunar New Year celebration activities. Song Yu preferred to work with high efficiency, unable to bear being troubled and disliked wandering around aimlessly while shopping. He would think ahead of time of what he needed to buy and then head in and out rapidly, or else he would be wasting time. But Yue Zhishi wasn’t like that — he liked places filled with the chatter of people, such as the supermarket and home furniture shops. He could stay in those places for an entire day.
A man and a woman walked by, clearly a newly married couple. The woman grabbed a candle in excitement and told the young man next to her they could put this in their room — her words were filled with hope for the future.
Yue Zhishi also walked over and grabbed that candle like a copycat, chucking it into Song Yu’s cart without discussing it. He thought Song Yu wouldn’t notice.
“We can’t buy this. Even if we bought it, we couldn’t be able to light it.” Song Yu took it out, placing it back. “What if it sets off your asthma.”
“Okay.” Yue Zhishi glanced at it in regret. His eyes chased after that couple’s shadows, and he saw they were buying paintings to hang on the wall.
“Let’s buy a painting too, your walls are too bare.” Yue Zhishi clutched Song Yu’s arm.
Song Yu lowered his head, looking at Yue Zhishi’s slender and pale hand. The curve of his fingernails was very pretty, and there was still a small bruise on the back of his hand from the IV drip needle. He lifted his head to look at him. “Do you know what you look like right now?”
“Like what?”
“A little student rushing to copy someone else’s homework.”
Yue Zhishi was dissatisfied with Song Yu’s description of him, but he had no choice but to admit he really was imitating other people and not really looking at what he wanted.
Song Yu continued pushing the cart ahead, and Yue Zhishi quickly followed behind him, very frankly saying, “That’s because this is my first time shopping at a home furniture shop with my boyfriend. Can’t I look at what other people are buying?”
Hearing a certain unfamiliar title, Song Yu’s cart halted, as if the wheels were suddenly stuck — it almost slipped out of his hand.
Yue Zhishi also stopped. He stared at his face, a bit perplexed.
“Have they agreed to you looking at them?” Song Yu’s voice sounded slightly awkward.
Yue Zhishi was a person of action. “I’ll just go ask her then.” He’d just lifted a foot to head over when Song Yu firmly caught his arm.
“Come back here. What’s the point of copying her, it’s not like she’s the one I’m dating.”  Song Yu didn’t look at Yue Zhishi when he spoke, his voice still just as awkward as before.
“Just buy what you like.”
Yue Zhishi’s heart suddenly sped up, and he stood in place for a while before he ran after Song Yu again, walking closely next to him.
They bought a set of blue-coloured bed linen. They both thought the other person liked the colour blue — Yue Zhishi kept wearing blue clothes in order to make Song Yu happy. Song Yu, also thinking Yue Zhishi liked blue, couldn’t help but constantly buy blue clothes; he’d give them to Yue Zhishi if he could find a reason to gift them, and if not, he’d keep them himself.
Neither of them knew when or how this misunderstanding started, but the two of them inevitably always did the same things under different reasons.
A beanbag, beautiful dinnerware, a floor lamp and a rug Yue Zhishi liked — they bought all of them. They passed through Ikea’s small show rooms, and there was a warm and cozy home already furnished. Yue Zhishi pulled Song Yu in, and they sat at the two ends of a small dining table.
“A small table like this is quite nice,” Yue Zhishi said to himself.
Song Yu wasn’t happy with it. “It’s too small.”
“A smaller one feels more secure.” Yue Zhishi rested a cheek on his hand, his face turned towards the little sofa in the show room, and said, his voice natural, “I like being able to see you wherever I go.”
His eyelashes were transparent under the lighting, and they seemed to sweep over Song Yu’s heart whenever Yue Zhishi blinked.
Five, six more people pushed their way into the show room, and Yue Zhishi pretended to make a fuss, standing up. “Nope, there’s too many people at home now. Too crowded.” He pulled Song Yu up as well. “Let’s get some fresh air first.”
Song Yu was a bit tickled by his behaviour, but he held back from laughing.
“They all say the food here is really nice.” Yue Zhishi was touching Song Yu’s arm, a very obvious yet very useful strategy.
“I don’t think there will be many things you can eat here.”
Yue Zhishi’s hand started to slide its way into the sleeve of Song Yu’s sweater, and he held onto Song Yu’s wrist. “Jiang Yufan said the Swedish meatballs are really yummy and that they don’t taste like they have flour in them at all. He said there’s a 99% chance they’re made only from meat.”
Song Yu wasn’t convinced at all, and he grabbed Yue Zhishi’s hand that was randomly touching him everywhere. “Not up for discussion.”
All of a sudden, Yue Zhishi felt Song Yu was still just as stern and impartial as before — there was no difference after they started to date. He sighed in despair the entire way, and at the end, he was only able to get an ice cream from outside the checkout area. He even had to give away the rest of it after eating to the cone.
But Song Yu bought a milk chocolate bar in blue packaging for him in compensation, and he even hugged him for five seconds in the empty car park. Yue Zhishi cheered up again.
All those small, unattainable wishes became insignificant in Song Yu’s arms.
As long as Song Yu was willing, he could have an eternally happy Yue Zhishi.
Yue Zhishi suddenly wanted to eat hotpot on the way back, and after mumbling about it for a while, Song Yu could only take him to eat a mild and lightly-flavoured Chaoshan-style meat hotpot. It was already dusk by the time they returned back to the apartment, and they were just in time to see the most beautiful view out of the living room. As soon as he opened the door, Yue Zhishi made a small noise in wonder — he took off his shoes and ran to the ceiling to floor window, his two hands placed onto the glass as he gazed out into the shimmering and sparkling lake.
The orange-coloured sun was half-submerged into the water, and the rest of it dyed the floating clouds red. The light filtered in through the white floor-length curtains, warming and gentling even the walls.
“So beautiful.”
Song Yu watched as Yue Zhishi stood by the window, thinking this entire scene was stunning. The first time he came here, it had been the same time as now; he’d liked the window’s view from the first moment he saw it, and he’d been very certain Yue Zhishi would like it as well. If he liked it, he would be willing to come often.
He took out the cream yellow beanbag after he opened the packaging. He stood in the living room and asked Yue Zhishi, “Where do you want to put this?”
Yue Zhishi turned around, taking the beanbag out of his hands. “Let’s put it on the balcony.”
They opened up their purchases one by one, and the two of them pulled the dark beige-coloured sofa cover over the leather sofa already in the living room. Song Yu assembled the coffee table and the cabinet, and Yue Zhishi decided where to put the floor lamp, warmth and sweetness slowly filling the empty room.
The sky outside the window gradually darkened, the sun completely disappearing into the lake. Once the lamp was turned on, the warmth of its light filled up the entire room.
“This rug is so comfortable.” Yue Zhishi stuffed a piece of the milk chocolate bar into his mouth as he sat on the floor. He stroked the rug, and then he looked over at Song Yu, who was sitting on the sofa. “Try touching it.”
“You’re still not fully recovered yet, don’t sit on the floor.” Song Yu wanted to pull him up, but Yue Zhishi turned around and deliberately, shamelessly flopped onto his lap instead. Yue Zhishi looked at him, face raised, and said in a soft voice, “I’m not cold.”
His light brown eyes seemed to hold the afterglow of the setting sun.
Song Yu met his eyes, not speaking for a very long time. He finally couldn’t resist and reached out a hand to stroke Yue Zhishi’s cheeks, his eyes, the upturned corners of his mouth and the red lips still lightly glistening with water.
“You really like touching me.” Yue Zhishi curved his face, actively pushing it into Song Yu’s palm. “You never used to be like this. I used to think you always disliked and wanted to avoid me.”
“Not at all.” Song Yu very quickly denied it, but he didn’t say anything further.
He didn’t want Yue Zhishi to realise he was actually a paranoid and pessimistic person.
“Sit up here.” Song Yu once again pulled him up, and Yue Zhishi listened to him this time — except he misunderstood, and instead of sitting on the sofa, he straddled and sat precisely on top of Song Yu’s legs.
Song Yu arched an eyebrow, and Yue Zhishi only then realised what he’d done. “Ah,” Yue Zhishi said extremely lightly, his entire face covered by the question of can I sit here? Seeing Song Yu not speaking, he lifted his legs and prepared to move away. “Pardon me…….”
Song Yu chuckled in amusement. He held down Yue Zhishi’s legs, telling him to sit back down, and he folded his arms around Yue Zhishi’s waist very naturally and rested them on his back. Yue Zhishi was wearing a very soft woollen coat and Song Yu’s white t-shirt, and the collar of the shirt was slightly open, revealing his pale collarbones.
He was the one who got on first, but Yue Zhishi abruptly felt shy after Song Yu lightly wrapped his arms around him. His ears reddened very quickly, and he didn’t quite sit down fully. “Am I heavy?”
“No.” Song Yu looked at him. “You’re very skinny. I don’t need that much effort to lift you up horizontally.” He then looked him up and down, his voice questioning, “Are you really 179cm…”
“Don’t question my height!” Yue Zhishi pressed his two hands to Song Yu’s face, keeping his gaze directly on him. Yue Zhishi’s face was serious. “No one will use 179cm as their fake height.”
Song Yu nodded in understanding. Then he asked, “Comfortable?”
Yue Zhishi didn’t really understand what he was asking, lightly letting out a questioning sound.
Song Yu asked more specifically, “Are my legs comfortable, or is the rug more comfortable?”
Yue Zhishi pursed his lips at this question, but he couldn’t hold back the corners of his mouth from curling upwards. He watched Song Yu, asking, “Can I keep sitting here if I say your legs are more comfortable?”
“Who taught you these negotiation skills?” Song Yu asked.
“I’m self-taught,” Yue Zhishi replied very proudly. His arms went around Song Yu’s neck by themselves, and he unexpectedly realised they were actually very close — he could see the fine lines on Song Yu’s lips, as well the perpetually straight corners of his mouth.
“Since you told me to sit up here…” Yue Zhishi felt very bold all of a sudden, and he used his pair of innocent eyes to look at Song Yu. “Can you let me kiss you?”
Song Yu wanted to laugh, and yet he also found it remarkable — at a time like this, how could someone ask first?
“What if I object?”
“Objection overruled.” Yue Zhishi passed the verdict swiftly, kept his arms around Song Yu’s neck and slightly lowered his head.
As Yue Zhishi leaned in, Song Yu could practically smell the fragrance of the milk chocolate on his lips. It was a very mild, sweet flavour with a tinge of bitterness, and it bewitched his mind like a drug, depriving him of his self-control and resolution. He’d initially wanted to use his hands to stop Yue Zhishi from moving, but they clenched tightly around his hips instead and stopped moving.
The sky outside the window was now fully dark, the moon meeting the lake — the tips of their noses pressed against each other, and their breaths blended together.
Yue Zhishi was very nervous. He’d thought he had many romantic scenes from movies he could reference, but in this moment, his brain was almost completely blank. It was hard for him to breathe, and it felt like an acute attack, his emotions unable to be restrained.
He was worried he wouldn’t be able to kiss well, so he wanted to only lightly press their lips together. He didn’t want to disappoint Song Yu.
Their lips were almost about to touch, but then a long, long vibrating noise suddenly came from the sofa and interrupted their movements. Yue Zhishi was startled into coughing, and Song Yu supported his back, lifting up the phone with a frown. The moment he saw the name of the person calling, he once again felt like he was waking up from a dream.
He waited until Yue Zhishi was no longer coughing and picked up the call. “Mom.”
Yue Zhishi’s heart felt like it was suddenly jabbed by something when he heard Song Yu. He got up from Song Yu’s body without thinking and sat back down on the sofa, lips pressed together.
The room was very quiet, and he could pretty much hear Lin Rong’s voice. She sounded very anxious, and words such as ‘fever’ and ‘where is he’ were faintly audible.
“You’re already on campus?” Song Yu glanced at his watch. He then said, lying, “I’m at the hospital with him right now. No need, we’ll head over to you.”
The phone call ended, and Yue Zhishi asked Song Yu if Aunt Rong had come. Song Yu nodded. “She’s already on campus. We’ll drive over now.” He caught Yue Zhishi’s arm. “You never returned her calls, so she looked for Jiang Yufan. He said you had a fever and I took you away. She immediately drove over to see you since she’s so worried.”
Yue Zhishi felt a bit guilty — from last night until now, he’d almost forgotten everything else in his joy. He’d pretty much thrown the rest of the world to the back of his mind, leaving only Song Yu in his eyes and in his heart. He sobered up the moment the phone call came: he was a child taken in by Song Yu’s family since he was young, and he’d been brought up by a husband and wife closer to him than even his own parents.
“You haven’t told Aunt Rong you’ve rented an apartment, have you?” Yue Zhishi asked.
“No.” Song Yu stood up. “Let’s go back first. She must be really anxious.”
Of course Yue Zhishi understood that — he was the kind of child adults described as difficult to raise. Aunt Rong used to cry whenever he got sick as a child; now that he was in university, she still sent him messages every night, asking him how he was.
He followed Song Yu out, getting into the car, and then asked if he could drive while holding hands.
“That’s against the rules.”
Yue Zhishi looked out at the dark road in front of them. He whispered, “We’re already breaking the rules anyway.”
Song Yu fell into silence for a few seconds, and then he ended up holding Yue Zhishi’s hand anyway. The interior of the car was a very private space, and they held hands while inside, letting go after they left the car. With ten centimetres separating them, they walked together to where the shadows of the trees landed in front of the dormitory building.
Yue Zhishi could tell Lin Rong had driven over in a panic. She wasn’t wearing any makeup, and she wore a beige windbreaker as she stood in front of the building, chatting with the auntie in charge of the dorm. A polite smile was on her elegant face. He walked over, calling out her name.
Lin Rong immediately turned around once she heard Yue Zhishi’s voice, and worry covered her face the moment she saw him. She threw her arms around him, her hand repeatedly stroking his back. “My poor baby, Xiao Fan said you had a high fever. I was so scared when he said you were delirious. Let me look at you.” She looked up and touched Yue Zhishi’s forehead. “It doesn’t feel like you have a fever anymore. You just got an IV drip, right?”
“I’m okay now, Aunt Rong.” Yue Zhishi smiled. “It’s just that I caught a cold from the constantly changing temperature the last few days. I only got a fever afterwards, when the water wouldn’t warm up when I was showering. The fever’s been gone the entire day today.” He hugged Lin Rong again after he finished speaking.
Yue Zhishi had actually missed her a bit — with this hug, he suddenly wanted to cry. He didn’t know why.
“You can’t shower when you have a cold.” Lin Rong continued stroking his back. “Have you taken some medicine? Are you coughing?”
The dorm auntie couldn’t help but chuckle as she watched Yue Zhishi hug Lin Rong. “Aiyah, you’re still so clingy with your mom even though you’re grown up already.”
Yue Zhishi only then pulled away. He straightened up his body and said he really was okay now.
Lin Rong turned and pulled Yue Zhishi over to the dorm auntie, an apologetic look on her face. “Sister, my youngest son’s body is really weak, he gets sick very easily. Most people can just wait for their colds to go away, but this child of mine can’t cough at all — his asthma might flare up once he starts coughing, and it’s really dangerous.”
She looked over again and waved over Song Yu, who had been standing to one side. “This is his older brother. He studies here too, in geomatics. I know it’s not easy for you to let random people in and out of the dorms, but my son’s a special case. His brother is very clear about his conditions, and he can take care of him. I’d really appreciate it if you could let him through when necessary and let them look after each other.”
“You have such good luck to have two such handsome sons. They really look like you.” The dorm auntie agreed very freely and took out a form for Song Yu to fill in.
“Hurry and sign, it’ll be easier for you to come over,” Lin Rong urged.
Song Yu held the pen, filling in his major and ID number like they requested. The final sections he needed to complete were his relationship with the person he was visiting and the signature block. The dorm auntie helpfully said, “Just write ‘brother’ and then write down your name.”
“Mn.”
Song Yu wrote down the word ‘brother’ and his name, the words scribbling together.
“Come home with me, Le Le.” Lin Rong pulled at his hand. “Look at how cold your hand is. It’s Sunday tomorrow, and you can take the next day off too. I’ll drive you back after.”
Yue Zhishi didn’t know what to say. Song Yu put down his pen. “He’s almost nineteen. He can’t keep running back home as soon as he’s sick. I’ll take care of him at school.”
“Then you really have to look after your little brother.” Lin Rong was still worried, and she looked at Yue Zhishi. “I talked to Xiao Fan just then, and I already left some medicine in your dorm. I put your asthma inhaler under your pillow. Remember, you can’t sleep too deeply at night, if you feel like you can’t breathe, you need to use it, okay?”
“Uncle wanted to come too, but he’s out of the city right now and couldn’t come.” Lin Rong squeezed his hand. “You’ve never been away from home before. It doesn’t take long to drive over, so tell me if anything happens — or get your brother to help you. Okay?”
Yue Zhishi nodded the entire time, and he couldn’t help but hug her again.
People came in and out of the dorm entrance, and Lin Rong started to laugh. “Aiyah, don’t let other people see you like this. They’ll tease you.”
“You really don’t want to go home with me?”
“Really, I’m fine. I still have class on Monday.” Yue Zhishi’s voice was very quiet.
“All right, then.” Lin Rong surrendered. Song Yu and Yue Zhishi walked with her to where she parked her car, and Lin Rong kept giving instructions the entire way, worried Yue Zhishi would suffer while at school. Song Yu followed behind them, listening to them speak without talking. Lin Rong twisted her head over. “How come it feels like your brother’s not in a good mood today?”
Yue Zhishi said, slightly guilty, “Not really?”
Lin Rong chuckled. “He must be jealous because I’m only caring about you.” She tugged at Song Yu, crooking her arm around his. “Son, let me say something. Studying is really important, but it’s also really important to live. Be a bit happier. If you’re happy, mom will be able to relax.”
Song Yu nodded. “Hurry and go home. It’s not safe at night, make sure you drive carefully.”
“It’s okay. Mom was in too much of a rush today, I don’t look like a beautiful rich lady at all. Right, Le Le?” Lin Rong joked. She embraced them each for a while. “Both of you need to be well.”
Yue Zhishi watched as Lin Rong’s car drove off and out of sight. He suddenly felt a bit afraid, and he tilted up his head, glancing at Song Yu. In the dark of the night, the side of his face looked a bit cold.
He opened his mouth, subconsciously wanting to call out gege, but Yue Zhishi held the words back.
“Head up first,” Song Yu said.
Yue Zhishi became somewhat flustered. “Does that mean I can’t live at your place tonight?”
Song Yu turned his face to him, his face slightly softening. “I mean, head up to get your phone and clothes to change into. You can’t wear my clothes tomorrow too.”
Yue Zhishi’s tightly clenched heart fractionally eased. The next second, he heard Song Yu ask, his voice very, very low.
“Are you scared?”
The author has something to say:
Mom is a very good person. I’m scared you guys are worried, so let me say it again — their coming out won’t be a massive fight (of course, mom will definitely be hurt for a while)
Time to start their secret relationship~ (I really like dating relationships with sneaky, hidden bits)