Song Yu had never imagined hearing that last sentence.
His first reaction after hearing it was to think he was hallucinating: Yue Zhishi was only talking about his allergy and nothing else. After all, he truly wasnât himself tonight â heâd even wanted to die earlier when he was driving.
Song Yu had never given himself the opportunity to hope for Yue Zhishi to return his feelings. The world was so large â it was already so unlikely for two people to meet, and theyâd even become family members who could be with each other for their entire lives.
What else could he ask for?
He approached Yue Zhishi with a very narrow view because of this fixed way of thinking; he kept thinking he was very pure and very innocent because heâd been brought up with such love and care. Song Yu would sometimes even lose sight of what Yue Zhishi had lost, thinking he must be happy.
The now grown up Yue Zhishi fell to pieces and cried in utter pain in front of him â it was the first time Song Yu had ever felt so lost, not knowing what to do.
The hand covering the back of Yue Zhishiâs hand shifted unnaturally. It felt like a very anguished feeling kept transmitting through this connection, pouring into Song Yuâs heart.
As expected, he truly was a failure as a rock. He looked so strong and stubborn on the outside, and yet his inner heart was an utter mess, soft and weak.
Song Yu touched Yue Zhishiâs head, called out his nickname in a very soft voice and pulled him into his arms.
Yue Zhishi actually didnât want Song Yu to see him cry. He didnât want him to see such fragile parts of him, but he wasnât a mature adult. He had a limited threshold, and he could only bear it up to here.
He buried his face into Song Yuâs shoulder, his tears mixing into the cotton fibres of Song Yuâs jacket. Yue Zhishi felt much lighter after saying it out loud â he didnât expect much to begin with, so he didnât wait for a response. Song Yu had always treated him very well, and he probably wouldnât reject him as coldly and resolutely as he rejected other people. He was more likely to try to persuade him.
The aching from his sickness both clouded and cleared his mind, and all of the possible things Song Yu could say passed through his brain. He told himself he couldnât cry anymore. He honestly looked really ugly when he cried.
Song Yuâs hand kept softly patting his back. It was only just a few years ago when Song Yu still hadnât known how to comfort him, when heâd had to personally grab his hand and tell him he needed to pat like that when comforting someone.
Yue Zhishi couldnât help but grow upset again. He thought again of what heâd just done and felt he had been too aggressive. It felt like he was always forcing Song Yu, again and again. Heâd forced him to stay with him when it thundered, forced him to accept him staying behind and even forced him to admit he was his gege in front of everyone.
But now, after heâd smashed the relationship in between them so impulsively â how should Song Yu face him? How could they go back to how they were like before? He really didnât want to become one of Song Yuâs burdens.
Yue Zhishi started to regret it again.
But Song Yuâs embrace was truly too intoxicating. It was the most powerful hallucinogen in the world, and even if he knew best how many failed examples were ahead of him, even if he knew heâd definitely leave with bloody, dripping injuries after plunging straight in â he could still only smell the blood red and candied smell of roses.
Yue Zhishi didnât cry anymore. He acutely sensed the hesitation and indecisiveness in Song Yuâs breathing, as if he was about to say something. He was very scared, and before he could be pushed away, he grabbed Song Yuâs back.
Sure enough, he heard Song Yu speak.
âCan you repeat what you just said?â Song Yuâs voice was very low, and it carried a rarely heard uncertainty and confusion, as if he really did think it was his problem. He didnât even dare to repeat what he heard.
This surprised Yue Zhishi. He didnât know what Song Yu was trying to do â or was he going to laugh at his feelings?
âI said I like you.â Yue Zhishiâs face remained hidden away. He emphasised, voice filled with tears, âI really do.â
He felt Song Yuâs body slacken, his chest heaving for a long time. He didnât know if heâd frightened him. Yue Zhishi lifted his head and used his tear swollen eyes to look at him, quietly calling out gege.
He couldnât tell if Song Yuâs face was upset or smiling. Song Yu took Yue Zhishiâs hand, his fingertips lightly caressing the rash on his arm.
âHow come thereâs still an allergic reactionâŚâ He spoke very weakly.
Yue Zhishi thought, as expected, he was confused and didnât know what to do. From the first moment heâd appeared in Song Yuâs life, heâd persistently created trouble for Song Yu.
Even though Song Yu had clearly done nothing wrong.
He heard it start to rain outside the window, the constant pitter-pattering noise of the rain seeping into the room. This place was truly very nice â it was Song Yuâs style. The ceiling to floor curtains in the room covered up everything, but they should be able to see beautiful views during the day.
It was as nice as that turquoise stone. In his heart, Yue Zhishi silently said, at least the first person to receive a memento and the first person to use this apartment â was him.
âYue Zhishi.â After what felt like a century, Song Yu was finally willing to speak to him. His eyelids were lowered, his hand still holding on his arm, and his voice was solemn. âOut of the things Iâm going to say, there are some things that might cause you to misunderstand me. But Iâve never wanted to trick you, and neither am I doubting you. Itâs just that there are more things for me to consider. Okay?â
He frowned briefly and gazed at Yue Zhishi from ten centimetres away, waiting until Yue Zhishi nodded with his red eyes. He only then continued. âYouâre sick right now. Youâve only just stopped having a fever, and this is not the best time to make a decision. Is this something youâve carefully thought about, or are you actually not sure and canât tell whether you feel familial affection for me orâŚâ
He hesitated for a moment and only then pushed out with great difficulty, âLove.â After he finished speaking, Song Yu seemed to belatedly remember something and grabbed up the thin khaki coloured woollen quilt on top of the blanket, circling it around Yue Zhishiâs shoulders and wrapping him up.
âCan I answer now?â Yue Zhishi coughed twice and then struggled to hold back from further coughing.
Song Yu dipped his head, looking at his eyes.
âI was confused before, but now Iâm sure I can tell the difference.â Yue Zhishi stared at Song Yuâs long and slender fingers, his head lowered. He said, nose blocked, âSong Yu, Iâm nineteen years old.â
Maybe it was because he couldnât breathe smoothly, but that last sentence of his sounded particularly feeble. Song Yu didnât have the heart to point out that he hadnât actually had his birthday yet.
Yue Zhishi felt like Song Yu didnât believe him, so he asked, âHow do you define what love is? Youâre the person I like the most, and other than to you, I wouldnât feel the same way to anyone else. I only want to be together with you for all twenty-four hours. I like hugging you, and I really want to hold your hand when Iâm walking with you. When I saw that couple kissing on the plank bridge, IâŚâ
His voice dropped, slightly losing confidence. âI also wanted to kiss you.â
Confessions should be made using more romantic words and expressions.
But Yue Zhishi wasnât able to do it. As a young person, he didnât have the rich experience and history to draw from, and he wasnât able to find all that many heart-stirring words. He could only slowly, timidly and impatiently cut open his chest blazing with love and let Song Yu see. Song Yu was born with a face everyone adored; Yue Zhishi felt he was a desperately poor child, afraid of not being worth much even after taking out all his money â afraid he still wouldnât be valuable in Song Yuâs eyes.
But Song Yu raised his hand, touching and stroking his face. He seemed to really want to say something, but he didnât say it at the end.
Yue Zhishi was a bit dizzy. He asked, âDo you think Iâm being very hasty?â
Song Yu shook his head. âNo, Iâm just really surprised.â
Anyone would be surprised at a little brother whoâd grown up together with you suddenly having these kinds of improper thoughts.
âYouâŚâ Yue Zhishi pressed his lips together. He swallowed back the question he wanted to ask. Green and blue veins could be faintly seen on his thin and white eyelids, and his eyelashes were slightly trembling. âI interrupted you just then. You can continue what you were going to say now.â
The rain outside the window fell harder, and Yue Zhishi hoped it wouldnât thunder. Or else he would fall to pieces even more, and Song Yu might not stay with him after hearing his confession.
Song Yu actually didnât want to see Yue Zhishi acting so uneasily. He was very happy after hearing those words, but he was also worried and fearful, feeling as though heâd created all this with his own hands. The sweetness Yue Zhishi was currently giving him â it was the cookie heâd personally fed him all those years ago. He had no way of predicting what was going to happen in the future.
âLe Le.â Song Yu gripped Yue Zhishiâs fingers. âWhy did you suddenly get angry when you heard I rented an apartment?â
Yue Zhishi corrected him. âI wasnât angry, I was upset.â And then he slowly explained, âThey all say you have someone you like. I thought you wanted to be like senior Qin Yan and move in with someone, and then, just like when I was in high school⌠hide from me.â
âWhat kind of person do you like?â Yue Zhishi couldnât help but ask.
Song Yuâs palm, broad and dry, covered his hand. He tossed a question back at him. âWhat do you think?â
Head lowered, Yue Zhishi feebly listed out the conditions heâd considered many times. âSomeone mature, independent, who wouldnât pester you for no reason, who would give you personal spaceâŚâŚ Someone whoâd better be beautiful, too.â He added the last condition himself. He felt like Song Yu didnât really care about appearances, or else senior Nan Jia would already be extremely suitable.
He didnât realise heâd been frowning until Song Yu softly rubbed at the centre of his eyebrows. âLooks like our senses of beauty really are completely different.â
Yue Zhishi lifted his eyes, giving him a glance, and his lips subconsciously pressed together.
âOther than that last bit, everything else doesnât match.â Song Yu gazed at him, his eyes warm and gentle. âEven completely opposite.â
Yue Zhishi didnât understand and sniffed, slightly disdaining his preferences. âYou actually like someone childish and clingy, someone who likes to bother you.â No wonder he didnât like senior Nan Jia.
âYes. I like a beautiful idiot.â
After frankly and openly saying it, Song Yu leaned in and kissed Yue Zhishiâs forehead.
This unexpected movement scared Yue Zhishi into lifting his head, his tears covered eyes very wide and filled with shock and disbelief as he looked at Song Yu. He was like a little puppy whoâd been hit with an apple â he blinked multiple times, not understanding what happened.
He called out gege very weakly. This was something he was used to doing every time he wasnât sure what to do.
âAt least donât call me that anymore.â Song Yu smiled wryly. âDonât remind me.â
âFrom a very long time ago, I didnât want to be just your older brother.â
Heâd walked on the wire rope as carefully as though he was walking on thin ice, struggling for so long. Morals and ethics pulled at him on one side, and the love accumulated over days and months pulled at him from the other side. No matter which side he fell, it would still be into endlessly burning lava, raging with flames.
Seeing Yue Zhishiâs eyes once again gathering with tears, Song Yu stroked his eyes. âThereâs no one else. Thereâs never been.â
He wasnât willing for Yue Zhishi to be in pain; as long as he stood by one side and beckoned to him, Song Yu would jump down from the wire immediately. So many years of misgivings and struggles â they collapsed against a single donât reject me from Yue Zhishi.
It felt good to jump down. Even if he chose wrongly, he would still stand in front of Yue Zhishi, blocking and taking all the blame.
Yue Zhishiâs mind was completely blank, his fingertips numb, and was even more at a loss than before. His weak body from the fever also slowed down his thinking, and he frowned uneasily. He didnât care if he sounded childish or not, thoughtlessly asking, âReally?â
Song Yu solemnly nodded. âI can also answer the questions you asked me before you started crying. I rented this apartment for you. Not to hide from you â but because youâre always falling sick, and itâs not convenient to take care of you in the dorms. Itâs too far to go home, so I needed to find a place where you could rest.â
âThe landlord gave me the keys two days ago. I actually didnât go out for a surface survey today. I came to furnish the place, so yes, there truly hasnât been anyone else whoâve lived here. The bowl is new â I bought it downstairs out of urgency. I originally wanted to find an excuse over the weekend to take you shopping at Ikea.â
He stood up, drawing open the curtains. A layer of rain covered the ceiling to floor windows, blurring the quiet yet resplendent lake view.
âYou said you wanted to see the lake. Is this okay?â Song Yuâs voice was a bit nervous. âI was really in a rush. It still might not be good enough, but itâs much better than Qin Yanâs place.â
Yue Zhishiâs tears flowed down again. He wiped the tears away with the back of his hand, but there were more tears the more he wiped until he finally wrapped the woollen quilt around himself, not letting Song Yu see him. How could something so good happen to him â how could he still be crying so shamefully.
In the shadowy, hazy light, he sensed Song Yu coming closer. His footsteps were softened by the carpet, becoming tender and gentle, and he sat down, a small piece of Yue Zhishiâs heart sinking down with him.
âLe Le, Iâve liked you for a very long time. Even though Iâve questioned your feelings, please forgive me. Donât question my heart for you.â
After considering it repeatedly, Song Yu still decided to splash a basin of cold water over Yue Zhishi and over himself.
âBut right now, you and I are both feeling very emotional. A large part of you liking me might have come from the dependency you hold towards an older brother. There are actually many, many people better than me in this world â I was the one who limited your field of vision.â He no longer sounded as calm as before, but he did his best to control his feelings, to finish saying what he needed to say.
âWeâll be up against many problemsâŚâ A touch of evasion grew in his heart. He didnât really want to continue speaking, and Yue Zhishi also didnât let him continue. He fumbled about, grabbing onto Song Yuâs hand, and very forcefully linked their fingers together, as if showing his determination.
Song Yu laughed a bit helplessly, and said one sentence heâd thought he would never say.
âLetâs give it a try.â He added, somewhat uncertainly, âIf you want.â
The woollen quilt was still on top of Yue Zhishiâs head. He forgot about it, absorbed in eagerly, excitedly lifting his head, and yet he couldnât even see Song Yuâs face.
Just a try. If you meet someone you like more, you can go back on what youâve said. You can leave whenever you want.
Song Yu only said it silently in his heart, afraid his words might disappoint Yue Zhishi. He took them as a warning to himself.
Even though heâd only said theyâd give it a try, Yue Zhishi was already beyond happy, taking off the quilt on his face with exhilaration and happiness. He accidentally ended up hiccuping, so he quickly covered his face again, as if he could pretend nothing happened by doing so.
âThen can you kiss my forehead again?â He hiccupped again, and the words âbeautiful idiotâ drifted across his mind.
âSure,â Song Yu said.
Separated by the quilt, Yue Zhishi felt Song Yuâs warm breath drawing near, and his heart started to race.
And yet that warm kiss didnât land on his forehead as promised â it landed on his lips, soft fibres in between.
Song Yu opened up the thin quilt after he moved his lips away and wrapped his arms around him. Heâd matured early at a precocious age, and in front of this love that went against the ethics of the world, he showed an unprecedented clumsiness, passiveness and solemness.
âNo matter how long this may last, I will still treasure you very, very much.â
The author has something to say:
Maybe because the double-sided arrows in my novels are always extraordinarily thick, but once one person confesses, the other person wonât be willing to reject him no matter what â the emotional journey between them has been connected. I also think getting together can be one of the climaxes of the story, it doesnât have to be the end. From beginning their relationship to learning how to love each other, they still need to go through many, many things.
But no matter what, these little puppies are about to begin their journey of cautious and inexperienced first love.