While I was studying in England, I met Leo, who had been wandering through the streets.
He had sharp, black eyes like a young eagle, and was three years younger than me.
To have been able to meet a fellow countryman in a foreign country, it caused me to grow momentarily soft-hearted and I decided to take him in.
Later on, I even had a fallout with my father and broke off our father-son relationship, all for him. However, in the end, he had said to me, “Pei, I don’t want you anymore, so don’t come and find me again”.
Up till now, I still didn’t know his real name.
I sighed and got out of bed.
The old picture of Lu QingFan and me was peeking out from the pocket of the coat which was hanging at the head of the bed. The silverish-white moonlight shone upon it, and it was just bright enough to illuminate my young and lively eyes.
The Pei JiYu at that time was so joyful and delightful, totally unaware that there were so many painful things in the world.
On a whim, I grabbed the picture, illuminated the number on the back, and called up Lu QingFan.
The call was quickly answered. “Who is it?”
With such a hoarse, low voice, he probably had just awoken from his slumber.
I held my breath as I listened to his breathing through the phone. The sound traveled from a dark and distant place slowly into my ears as my heart remained as calm as a lake unperturbed by waves.
As he seemed to have come to a realization, the other party’s breathing quickened. “Pei JiYu, is that you?”
He asked probingly.
I raised my head to look at the big clock hanging on the wall while I kept silent. Twelve o’clock sharp, the dividing line between today and tomorrow. It seemed to be an appropriate time for saying my goodbyes.
“Pei JiYu, it’s you!” His voice rose, “Pei JiYu, speak to me! Pei JiYu!”
With a katcha sound, I placed the phone down.
It felt really refreshing.
Let him be hysterical all alone. Who cares.
It was a dreamless night and I slept until dawn.
When I opened my eyes to look at the clock, it was just a quarter past seven and still pretty early. However, when I was preparing to lie back down to sleep, I suddenly remembered that I had only half a year left and shouldn’t waste time like this.
So I climbed out of bed and tidied myself up, getting ready to go out for a walk.
But when I stepped half a foot out of the door, my house phone rang. Initially, I didn’t want to answer, but for some unfathomable reason, my heart wavered and I went back to pick up the phone.
“This is Pei JiYu.”
It was Meng SiQi.
I smiled lightly. “Oh, it’s you.”
He then proceeded to invite me out. “Are you free today? I’d like to spend some time together outside.”
“That’s exactly what I was planning to do,” I replied immediately.
After drinking a glass of water, I went downstairs.
It wasn’t long before Meng SiQi arrived in his car. Despite not having been outstanding in appearance, the French car was of great quality due to its excellent performance and long lifespan.
After all, people disliked things that were short-lived.
After having gotten into the passenger seat, he leaned over to help me buckle my seat belt.
“How come you have some free time today?” I turned my head and asked him, “I thought that all doctors would sell themselves to the hospital to be squeezed dried. How could they give you a day off?”
He curled up the corner of his mouth at me and said, “It was most probably because I make a living by selling my craft and not my body <sup>1</sup> “卖艺不卖身” is used here. It is a Chinese saying that is usually used to refer to the women from the past generations where they only “sell” their skills and not their physical body. .”
He amused me.
“Where are you planning to take me?”
“I’ll take you to breakfast first,” he turned to me and said.
I was eventually brought to the roadside stalls to drink soybean milk and eat deep-fried dough sticks.
“I didn’t know you were such a stingy person,” I teased him with a dough stick in my mouth.
Nonetheless, I was really moved.
At 16 years old, I went to England alone for my studies. The meals prepared by the foreigners were unsatisfactory, and their food was also hard to swallow in general. While eating a bowl of dull-colored soup, one would find themself unable to identify the ingredients used.
Soon after I had returned home, I met He Li, who was fond of foreign restaurants. The sweetest moments with him consisted of us sitting face-to-face in a western restaurant, while cutting our steaks gracefully with a knife.
It had been a long time since I last drank a cup of piping hot soybean milk that had the ability to gradually warm my cold heart on a cold winter day.
“You should engage yourself in a boisterous lifestyle, bask in the sunshine more, and get close to lively people.” He took out his handkerchief and handed it to me to wipe my hands. “It will be good for your health.”
“You are indeed a doctor. Every word truly reflects your profession,” I said while I was curling my lips.
After having eaten breakfast, Meng SiQi asked me for suggestions.
“Such insincerity for you to ask someone out without making any plans,” I complained to him in dissatisfaction.
“I’m just too anxious. I was afraid that if there was any delay, you would have run to someone else, so I made such an appointment in a hurry.”
That was the good thing about Meng SiQi. He was always easy to talk with.
He drove slowly along the street busy with traffic as I watched the scenery quickly pass by outside the window. I enjoyed the feeling of time passing slowly, as it gave me the impression that I could lengthen my short life.
Suddenly, I saw a ferris wheel on a billboard and my heart jolted. I turned my head towards him and said, “Why don’t we go to the amusement park?”
Meng SiQi turned towards me. While we kept staring at each other, he asked, “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I’m sure.”
For two men with the combined age of over 50 to go to the amusement park for fun on a weekday, it made a really strange sight.
Along the way, many tourists secretly sized us up and I got a first-hand experience of how the phrase “to be on tenterhooks” could be applied effectively for the first time. Those gazes weren’t just thorns that merely grew on one’s back, they were also sharp enough to pierce through layers of winter clothes.
The both of us shrank our shoulders and bowed our heads like thieves as we walked quickly towards the direction of the ferris wheel. Since quite early on, we had already started regretting this decision.
It was only after we had sat down gloomily in a pod that we took a deep breath, faced each other, and smiled.
As the ferris wheel slowly rose, I placed one hand on the window and saw us gradually getting further away from the ground.
We both looked down together.
“I didn’t expect that you would retain your childish side and like the ferris wheel,” he said.
I didn’t say anything and only answered him after a long while later. “Believe it or not, I’ve never been on a ferris wheel despite my age.”
He turned to look at me.
“When I was a child, I always wanted to sit with someone I liked, but he was not willing to.” As I thought of the things that had happened many years ago, I continued, “I had always wanted to wait for him. However, just by simply waiting, I already grew to such an age.”
Eventually, I turned to him and pulled my hand away from the window. “Now, I can’t wait for him anymore.”
He had that sad look on his face again.
He was always feeling sad for me.
A person could only wait for so long, as no one would be willing to spend their whole life waiting for another person to turn around.
I am no different, and that’s why I have always easily given my heart to others instead.
Having sat on the ferris wheel for seven or eight rounds, the staff had already gotten used to seeing us.
When we got off after our last round on the ferris wheel, I took a deep breath and inhaled the cold winter air into my lungs before exhaling.
I turned to Meng SiQi and said, “I have already fulfilled my wish, so I will die without any regrets.”
He was unhappy. “You’re not going to die. JiYu, you shouldn’t give up early, as there are so many beautiful things in the world that you haven’t experienced yet.”
I shrugged my shoulders and refused to answer.
I didn’t want to die and no one would want to die either. However, I was also unwilling to struggle on painfully.
With a fate worse than death, I’d rather just die.
I looked up at the huge ferris wheel under the grayish-blue sky and whispered, “It’s like an eye in the sky. I’ve heard many say that sitting in the ferris wheel was a blissful thing, so I had always been envious of others who experienced it. However, only those who had taken a ride on it knew that it was the most ruthless thing. It slowly raises the people to the clouds, but falls swiftly when they are the closest to the sky; giving people the momentary illusion of warmth. I also wanted to try living in the illusion, but in the end, one always has to fall back down to the ground.”
Despite my words, Meng SiQi said, “JiYu, staying grounded is true happiness. Even if you’re floating in the middle of an illusion, it doesn’t matter. After all, it is just as simple as waking up from a dream so you should not despair.”
It seemed that I was never able to outspeak him.
1
“卖艺不卖身” is used here. It is a Chinese saying that is usually used to refer to the women from the past generations where they only “sell” their skills and not their physical body.