In return for helping Han Taesan, I was thoroughly ignored. Honestly, I tried greeting Han Joonwoo as if nothing had happened but it was over when he looked me over with cold eyes. After that, my stubbornness emerged, and I didn’t even greet him. It was the first time this happened.
Yeah, it was a relationship that’d break if I let go anyway. Our relationship. We were just high school friends. The moment I clearly realized the truth that was so obvious to my eyes but that I laboriously covered up was much too awful to me.
Half a week has passed since then. Han Joonwoo spent time with his group, I pretended like nothing happened, I also pretended like he wasn’t important, and I spent time with Go Yohan and friends I was kind of close to.
If I had to name something regrettable about this situation right now, it’d be that I was far from Han Joonwoo’s group so I couldn’t hear the stories Han Joonwoo told. Still, at least I could hear the stories from Go Yohan’s group. Sometimes, when I wanted to hear Han Joonwoo’s matters, I went to Go Yohan. It was hilarious how, even though I was that curious, I’d rather die than swallow my pride.
When I hinted to Go Yohan and asked about stuff concerning Han Joonwoo, Go Yohan would knock on Kim Seokmin’s game console with both hands and speak halfheartedly, “Ah, him? He left.” Then, I was at a loss for words.
“…damned punk.”
I could see why Han Joonwoo’s emotions were so violent. Han Joonwoo was a beastly and sensitive person who found it very, very hard to control his appetite.
“Seems like he went to a club again.”
“No, it’s a blind date this time,” Go Yohan answered while twisting his body here and there as if the game was difficult, “I heard that Jinhyeon-ie introduced them? But why her? She kept pestering people to introduce her to Han Joonwoo. But Han Joonwoo is a complete beast. Seeing how he picked her up and left right away. Hey, hey, hey, that’s not it though. Han Joonwoo’s just like that, but the kid he was introduced to was also no joke. She was willing with no refusal. So she was like ‘okay!’ I heard it went exactly like that.”
“….”
“Wow, they’re both so cool.”
It wasn’t admiration or a compliment by any means. It was full of belittlement. Thanks to that manner of speaking, I was in a good mood for the first time. I covertly perched on Go Yohan’s desk and knocked on the shoulder of the punk sitting on the chair before massaging it furtively. Go Yohan, who looked up at me, slowly moved back and provided me enough room to sit on his desk.
It was a token of appreciation in its own way. Go Yohan was the only one who openly criticized Han Joonwoo’s dirty sex life that everyone coveted.
“Really dirty and cool.”
“Right? I’m not cool at all.”
It was funny seeing him talk as if he were bragging.
“Aren’t you supposed to be like that? We’re students, you know.”
“Supposed to be, there’s no such thing. It’s all about studying and learning, huh? That’s what human rationality is,” Go Yohan said mockingly without taking his eyes off the game console.
“So, are you still single?”
This time, I said something teasingly and only then did Go Yohan turn off the console. Then, he turned his head and laughed as if he were dumbfounded before tapping my hand which had climbed up his shoulder.
“I’m going to sue you for sexual harassment.”
“How is this sexual harassment?”
“If the victim feels bad, it’s sexual harassment.”
“Go Yohan, you’re actually crazy.”
“Pervert.”
While I was sitting on the desk, my slippers fell and plummeted to the floor. I didn’t care at all and pushed Go Yohan’s leg with my foot wearing socks. However, Go Yohan pretended to be pushed back before immediately pointing his middle finger at me. Because his hand was raised, I naturally saw his wrist. A rosary always hung on Go Yohan’s left wrist. I lightly kicked Go Yohan’s leg.
“Do you think rosaries fit you?”
“Why?” Go Yohan asked seriously as he lowered his hand. Why was he suddenly acting serious in this situation?
“It doesn’t fit you.”
“Doesn’t fit? That’s weird. Don’t I look like a devout catholic?”
“No? It just seems like you carry it around for show.”
“… that’s not it.”
Come to think of it, I should’ve realized the moment I learned his name was Yohan. I didn’t know that Yohan was that ‘Johan’. I thought his name was Go Yohan1 because it meant to live while shutting up.
Surprisingly, Go Yohan said that his family had been catholic for generations. What was even more surprising was Go Yohan himself saying that he was catholic. Also, him saying he was a devout catholic. However, I soon couldn’t believe those words. Because Go Yohan didn’t know how to memorize a single prayer properly.
I spent a week not being by Han Joonwoo’s side, and I spent three more days turning my head right away after glancing at him in class.
I still don’t have the courage to speak to Han Joonwoo. Maybe I just didn’t want to lose. It was funny how much attention I paid to the pathetic voice that told me the person who likes more is the loser. Still, even if it’s funny, even if I’m funny, I can never speak to him first.
On the contrary, Han Taesan spoke to me often. Because I was the only one who responded to his words. Seeing how there was a new bruise on Han Taesan’s face every single day, it was obvious that Han Joonwoo was still hitting Han Taesan somewhere I couldn’t see. Just like a beast leaving marks.
When I frowned, Han Taesan noticed my gaze and turned his head to cover the wound.
Another four days passed after that. In the empty classroom in the morning, I sat at my desk and covered my face with both hands. I didn’t want to witness the horrible play that was happening in this classroom.
The gap in Han Joonwoo and I’s relationship became more and more obvious. It’s been a long time since the minuscule crack that arose turned into a cliff of despair. When I opened my eyes, that gap seemed as if it would soon kill and eat me. Han Taesan’s dark blue eyelids were as distinct as a thumbprint on a document. That’s why I didn’t want to see either Han Joonwoo or Han Taesan even more. I wanted to avoid all situations.
And thankfully, amid my misfortune, I may have actually narrowly landed on the lucky side. Han Taesan began not showing up to school now. The homeroom teacher said he was absent, but the words hidden behind that awkward answer was ‘unauthorized absence’. Without realizing it, I almost let out a cheer.
Contrary to that, Han Joonwoo would be on his phone throughout the entire class, threw tantrums, and even went as far as punching one of his group members who was teasing him.
I felt pleased on the inside. At the same time, I felt a strange sense of superiority. Plus, I was sure that if Han Taesan, who was getting bullied, couldn’t win against it and decided to transfer to another school and no longer appear, Han Joonwoo would soon forget about everything and speak to me, who was still by his side.
It was a few days after that.
“Han Joonwoo is seriously depressed.”
I listened attentively to Go Yohan’s allusive words. Thump, my heart shook wildly. I wanted to turn my head right away and look at Han Joonwoo’s face, but it was impossible for me, who feared love. All I could do was listen to Go Yohan talking about Han Joonwoo’s condition and imagine it from that.
But the situation still didn’t change when half the day had passed and all classes were over. I believed that there’d be tomorrow. Yeah, the situation wouldn’t change so soon. I waited and waited, and when class ended and I was carrying my bag, Go Yohan immediately said something weird, “Did you fight with Han Joonwoo?”
At those words, I reflexively turned back.
“Yeah.”
“No way, did you not reconcile after the incident in the cafeteria?”
“……”
“It’s lasting longer than I imagined.”
Go Yohan put both hands in his pockets and shrugged, and I avoided his eyes while making excuses, “Honestly, Han Joonwoo is really too much. I hate seeing him bully people like that too. It’s a little weird.”
“What is?”
“… well, Han Taesan is a man.”
“And?”
“The things Han Joonwoo does to Han Taesan are a bit… they’re both men, but it’s weird. It’s gross. I wish he wouldn’t do that.”
“Wow—.”
“……”
“You’re going to heaven, huh?”
However, the answer to my kind words was a voice full of sarcasm. The malicious sarcasm put me in a bad mood so I glared at Go Yohan. Go Yohan didn’t care and pulled up one side of his mouth. The moment I saw that face, I felt like something had been caught and my face flushed red. I swiftly turned around, ignoring Go Yohan who acted sarcastically towards my words and escaped the classroom.
I was quickly walking down the hallway intending to go back home, but someone grabbed my shoulder. ‘Since when did Go Yohan follow me like this?’ I wondered as I flicked off the hand and turned back, but in that place stood the homeroom teacher. I was surprised and put away my expression.
“Sorry for suddenly doing this, Jun-ah. You must’ve been very surprised.”
“N-no, it’s okay. I was just a bit startled…”
“I’m really sorry about this but… um, it’s a situation I feel even more sorry about but can I speak to you for a moment?”
“What?”
“Just for a moment, sorry.”
The young homeroom teacher’s face was quite serious, so I nodded.
“Joonwoo asked for Taesan’s address today.”
“Han Joonwoo?”
The homeroom teacher looked around and spoke. As long as she was the homeroom teacher, she couldn’t be unaware of how all the students in class agree with Han Taesan’s bullying or turned a blind eye to it, even if she pretends not to know. However, this young teacher wasn’t someone great enough to overcome the situation surging in the classroom. But she also didn’t seem like someone cold hearted enough to overlook it. Seeing how she persistently chased after me to talk about Han Taesan.
“It’s not like I’m doubting or condemning Joonwoo, but…”
“…no, I don’t think it’s strange.”
“Yeah, uh, doesn’t Jun-ie take great care of Taesan-ie? So, I thought, how about you go with Joonwoo to Taesan-ie’s house together… Do you understand what I’m saying?”
I couldn’t answer immediately. It was because I was clenching my teeth hard.
Han Joonwoo’s feelings towards Han Taesan approached me and began to soak my feet. The feelings that wet me till my ankles restrained my movements. I clenched my fist hard. It wasn’t the time to act like this.
“Then, can I perhaps have Taesan-ie’s phone number?”
“Y-yeah! Okay, okay. I’ll give it to you. Try calling him first.”
“Yes, I’ll speak first. Please don’t worry too much.”
“Okay, I’ll trust you, Jun-ie.”
“Okay.”
I was calm on the outside, but I stamped my feet on the inside. Until the homeroom teacher, who gave me Han Taesan’s house number written in the attendance book, left the hallway with an embarrassed expression.
I have to stop Han Joonwoo and Han Taesan from meeting. I had to stop Han Joonwoo’s eccentric obsession by any means. As soon as the homeroom teacher left, I took my phone out of my pocket and called Han Taesan right away. I repeatedly shook one leg and clenched and unclenched my hand until he picked up. The phone connected faster than I thought.
-Hello?
“It’s Kang Jun. Is this Han Taesan?”
As soon as I heard Han Taesan’s voice, I quickly spat out my words. Then, a loud noise suddenly came from the other end. The sound of falling and crashing. Then, after some time had passed, I heard the sound of rustling as well as Han Taesan’s voice.
-J-Jun-ah? Jun-ah. N-no, why… no, you k-know my number? No, you knew?
“No, I was told that Han Joonwoo asked for your home address today. So I asked the homeroom teacher for your home number.”
-……
“First, I’m telling you to be careful.”
-A-are you okay? Even if you stopped him like that…
“Don’t worry about me. Worry about yourself. If you want to take a longer break from school, call this number. I’ll tell the teacher a good excuse. I may not look like it, but I’m pretty trustworthy.”
-……
“If Han Joonwoo tries to bully or hit you at school, you have to tell me right away. If you can’t tell me, just tap me and go. In its own way, it’d be difficult to resolve it after having already stopped it.”
-Okay…
“… though, the best option would be to transfer schools.”
I sneakily leaked my sincerity to Han Taesan. Please, I want you to listen to my words.
-……
“Anyway, think about it. Pretend not to be home today, or go somewhere far away for a while.”
-O-okay…
“Then, I’m hanging up.”
-E-excuse me.
“……?”
-… thanks, Jun-ah.
Han Taesan, who had been hesitating for a good while, mumbled quietly in a slightly shaking voice. Really, what was that? Honestly, I’m a bit uncomfortable.
-T-thanks for always, always helping me…
“Well, it’s nothing.”
-I-I just wanted to say it. T-thanks. See you la-later.
“Okay.”
-… bye.
Bye my foot.
I hung up without even answering his goodbye. The sensation of hearing Han Taesan’s voice made goosebumps rise and was unpleasant.
I don’t know what happened to Han Taesan that day. However, the only thing I knew was that after that day, Han Taesan started coming to school. And, after a week had passed, white, fine hair began growing on Han Taesan’s uniquely youthful skin. Also, with an abruptly changed attitude, Han Taesan didn’t talk to me.
That rapid change in character made my doubts bloom. And when all the bruises on Han Taesan’s face finally weren’t visible anymore, in my heart I thought, “could it be?” I was happy.
And the day two weeks had passed, Han Joonwoo suddenly came to my side and said, “Hey.”
“……”
“Kang Jun.”
“……”
I didn’t even look at Han Joonwoo and only stared ahead. However, my mouth was on the verge of exclaiming any minute now.
Did Han Joonwoo perhaps finally grow tired of Han Taesan? Were my worries really unnecessary? That’d be good. I could forgive him for spending the night with a girl from some all girls’ school I didn’t know the name of, and I could also forgive him for not talking to me. In fact, what’s the point of me forgiving him when I was nothing more than a friend to Han Joonwoo? Still, that’s how I feel.
“Let’s talk a bit.”
For a moment, I smiled brightly without even realizing it myself. I really couldn’t help it. When I turned around and looked at Han Joonwoo, he smiled bitterly while scratching his cheek.
“Hey, you know we’re friends.”
“Yeah.”
“Shit, that’s gross. You know what I mean, right?”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Your answer?”
“My answer is… it’s alright. It’s possible for these things to happen.”
“Shit, I fucking missed that nerdy way of speaking.”
Han Joonwoo’s foot lightly tapped my chair.
Missed it. He missed it? For a moment, I clenched my fist tight. However, shortly after, Han Joonwoo didn’t even give me the scant opportunity to be happy when he continued speaking. I mashed until my gums bled.
“Still, you— don’t act close with Han Taesan anymore.”
“Huh?”
“And about the bullying, I’ll try to control myself too.”
What those words meant was that Han Joonwoo was still not tired of Han Taesan. The ignorant Han Joonwoo thought of another method. And my stubbornness caused the acceleration of the process. Still, knowing the position I received from Han Joonwoo, the very rational Kang Jun forced his trembling cheeks to rise and said, “Okay, I understand. You thought of a good idea too.”
Yeah. Because I’m your friend. It doesn’t feel like I’m going to die.
Funnily, Han Joonwoo really didn’t bully Han Taesan after that. He didn’t hit him and didn’t threaten him with scary words.
I don’t know what the hell happened in that short period of two weeks, but something big had arisen inside of Han Joonwoo, and it was obvious that thing changed Han Joonwoo’s mind. Only then did I regret it.
Han Joonwoo would take Han Taesan to the cafeteria, make him sit next to me, suddenly throw bread on Han Taesan’s desk, and when Han Taesan was scared by Han Joonwoo’s actions he’d screech, “Fuck, does it look like I’m going to eat you?!”, “Why are you looking at me like that?! Makes me feel like shit.” He’d say stuff like that and then when Han Taesan left school, he’d leave behind the me whom he always went with and follow behind the poor Han Taesan.
And like how Han Taesan changed, I also treated him coldly. Whenever we made eye contact, I’d openly turn my head away to avoid him. Well, that was our daily life.