In contrast, I was the type that had good self-restraint. This was because I lived a life that was carefully controlled by my parents. It was the same for my character. I hated showing weakness to others even more than dying. So, even in a situation where a big emotional disturbance arises, I could bear through it in an extremely dignified manner.
Because of this, I was often seen as a boring punk that didn’t get angry easily. But it wasn’t because I don’t get angry easily, but because all the emotional disturbances I’ve felt until now have hardened like scabs and turned into a personality that wasn’t provoked by any bearable events.
It was the same for all situations related to Han Joonwoo.
That was why I could exist as Han Joonwoo’s friend. I was a kid so nice that his parents had no reason to worry about me. I had a pretty good rank in school too. And I wanted to keep my position that way. The position I’ve been desperately making.
“Hey, Go Yohan.”
“Oya.”
“Why are you talking like that? It’s fucking gross.”
“Aha, like your face?”
“Fuck you.”
You have to say that to a bastard that was really ugly in order to hurt them. Han Joonwoo just laughed off Go Yohan’s provocation full of mischief.
“Go Yohan, is there anyone you know? There’s many people around you.”
“Know who?”
“An okay person.”
“Okay person who?”
“You know it, fuck, don’t change the subject.”
This time, Go Yohan played with a rubber ball and grinned. However, he didn’t continue speaking. Han Joonwoo also didn’t seem to sincerely want Go Yohan’s answer. Because his eyes were on the back of a shabby head to a patient extent.
“… I think it’d be nice if it were a girl with some baby fat and a bit of aegyo.”
Han Joonwoo was impulsive, savage, and violent so he couldn’t do any deep thinking. There was no need for me to go and prove it because he was a punk who had lived by his sexual appetite since puberty. Therefore, the bullying of Han Joonwoo, who didn’t know how to hide it and was dumb, became more and more evident.
And so, it wasn’t until today, the month of august after the vacation had ended that Han Taesan became all alone. But unfortunately, Han Joonwoo was not satisfied with that level.
Even in groups of similar levels, the behavioral patterns are different. Choi Donghwan, Hong Hwijun, and Park Dongcheol who hung around Han Joonwoo would chatter for a few minutes after the bell rung while waiting for him; Kim Minho would come from the west building with Go Yohan; Lee Seokhyeon and Kim Seokmin would run out as soon as the bell signalling lunch would ring.
In our first year, I’d also been in Han Joonwoo’s group, but everything was ruined when we entered our second year. It was because that bastard Hong Hwijun said “Kang Jun, are you going to eat with Go Yohan? You eat so fucking slow,” and with no care for my opinion, I was excluded.
The most humiliating thing was that Han Joonwoo had no interest whatsoever in Hong Hwijun and I’s conversation. Doesn’t matter if I go, doesn’t matter if I don’t go. Damn it. I glanced at Han Joonwoo and asked, “Do I eat that slowly?”
“Fuck, of course. You always shut your mouth tight and chew for so long, don’t you know it’s manners to eat your lunch within five minutes?”
“Yeah, we’re always late for soccer because of you.”
“…ah.”
“We made a soccer bet with the bastards in the class next door today so you go eat with Go Yohan.”
“……”
Truthfully, it’d still be the same even if I asked to join them out of pride and I also thought that type of quick eating habit was probably the reason for my constant indigestion throughout our first year. Lastly, even I think that the appearance of sticking to Han Joonwoo’s side like carp shit was disgusting beyond words, so I didn’t exactly beg nor refute it.
In the end, I was left behind by the group like that. My volition wasn’t important.
I did my best to pretend like I wasn’t affected by it and ended up making eye contact with Go Yohan who was left alone with me. Go Yohan, who was lying on the desk and bouncing a rubber ball, stared at me motionlessly and asked, “At what time do you eat?”
“……”
“Well, I eat after around ten minutes.”
“I also find it comfortable eating at that time.”
Truthfully, I’ve never once eaten at that time. I said that because my survival instincts to stay in Go Yohan’s group kept me vigilant. The first time I ate with Go Yohan alone, I left half the meal uneaten under the excuse of having no appetite. At that time, Go Yohan furrowed a brow and said, “Are you still being picky even after turning eighteen?”
“What does it matter?”
“You’re like a kid.”
“Even adults don’t eat fish cutlets with tartar sauce.”
I made a perverse excuse. At that time, I felt sad, so I glared at him. What does it matter to you? I feel so annoyed.
In our first year, I was with Han Joonwoo for the most part; after entering our second year, the times where Han Joonwoo and I were in the same area have dropped drastically. This was all because of Go Yohan. Still, I didn’t have the right to say anything. Because I had a lower ranking than Go Yohan.
Go Yohan and Han Joonwoo’s scope of friends overlapped a lot, most them were terrible students who loafed around and were in the lower ranks in terms of grades. They made false early leave passes and ran away, and even if students went to the infirmary, they were the type to sneak into the classes of indolent teachers who didn’t check twice.
Han Joonwoo had to stay until the end for most of the class because of his parents’ supervision, but I was curious about why Go Yohan, who was called the matchless twin stars along with Han Joonwoo, would stay in his seat. So, one day, I asked him tacitly, and Go Yohan said this while frowning:
“I’m disappointed, do you really see me as such a pathetic bastard?”
“No, it’s because all your friends are like that.”
“Friends? What kind of bullshit is that? Those bastards aren’t my friends, they’re trash.”
“Huh?”
“A student’s duty is to listen in class during school, no?”
“… that’s true.”
“Don’t lump me in with those trash. It makes me feel like shit.”
“Okay, sorry.”
“I’m not telling you to say sorry.”
Of course, it was obvious to me, but the fact that Go Yohan actually said that was absurd. Because the punks who were close to the bastard who spoke like that were absent about once a week.
Anyway, like that, I spent most my second year with Han Joonwoo and Go Yohan. I thought of it as a sanctuary that belonged only to us and that no one could invade. It would’ve been even more perfect if Go Yohan were excluded, but I hit it off with Go Yohan better than I expected so I didn’t feel displeased or upset enough to storm out immediately. I just disliked him and disliked him more.
However, Han Taesan turned each and every one of these days into the worst.
Today was a bit different from usual.
“Ah, I feel terrible. Hong Hwijun and Choi Donghwan, those two really…”
Towards the end of fourth period, Han Joonwoo cursed while touching his head. As soon as I heard Han Joonwoo’s voice, I turned back and asked in a slightly flushed tone, “Did they skip again?”
“Those sons of a bitch.”
“That’s a pity. Who are you going to eat with then?”
I had some expectations. The hand holding the back of the chair trembled a bit. Han Joonwoo let out a sigh and looked at Go Yohan, who was sitting next to him, and said, “Hey, I’m going to eat with you guys today.”
“But I don’t want you to? Don’t join us as you please.”
“Keep acting arrogant like that if you want to die.”
“I feel like punching Han Joonwoo’s mouth today.”
“Then you’ll die.”
“The loser who’s pigging out all by himself has a lot to say.”
“Okay, let’s eat with Joonwoo.”
I suddenly jumped in the conversation taking place. I was that desperate.
“We can’t let Joonwoo eat alone.”
Through my desperation, Han Joonwoo’s victory was heard. Finally, he triumphantly looked at Go Yohan and slightly raised the corners of his mouth.
“Shit, I made such a good friend.”
“……”
“What do you think? Isn’t Kang Jun useful?”
At those words, Go Yohan frowned and shoved Han Joonwoo’s pencil case with his hand as if he were throwing it. The pencil case fell with a loud sound. Well, whether or not Go Yohan liked it had nothing to do with me.
In the end, what was important was that Han Joonwoo joined Go Yohan and I’s uncomfortable meal. It’s been a really long time, so I followed along and even willingly ate a side dish that I didn’t even like.
However, Han Joonwoo just kept silently scanning the cafeteria as if looking for game. While carelessly putting food in my mouth and staring at Han Joonwoo, I didn’t even realize that Go Yohan stole some of my dishes and ate them. At that moment, Han Joonwoo lowered his spoon and his other hand quickly grabbed the arm of a kid walking by. I looked up and saw that it was Han Taesan.
“Why don’t you sit here?”
Han Joonwoo pointed to the empty seat next to him.
“Anyway, you don’t have any friends to eat with.”
Han Taesan’s face suddenly turned red. He averted his eyes for some time and looked at me before biting his lip tightly and slowly sitting where Han Joonwoo pointed to. I was dumbfounded. It was ridiculous. Since when did he care about the existence of Han Taesan’s friends? And Han Taesan having no friends was all because of Han Joonwoo. Han Joonwoo hated it to the extreme when someone went to Han Taesan’s side.
I felt something sour climb up my throat again.
Without realizing it myself, I noisily placed my spoon down on the tray as if throwing it. However, the only one who looked at me even though I made such a loud noise was Han Taesan, whose body trembled at the sound I made. Han Joonwoo was still looking at Han Taesan.
Damn it. At that time, I felt the scab that had hardened until now fall off bit by bit. I tried to stop it, but I couldn’t restrain myself. Were the limitations that even I didn’t know I had approaching slowly? However, I desperately denied reality and snarkily spoke to Han Taesan, “Han Taesan. You can just go.”
“H-huh?”
“Don’t listen to Han Joonwoo and just go. It’s okay.”
“Hey, Kang Jun.”
When I said that to Han Taesan, it was only then that Han Joonwoo, who hadn’t even turned his head when I purposefully made a loud noise, ground his teeth and glared at me. I felt even more offended by that and stared holes into Han Taesan’s eyes even more persistently.
“I’ll deal with it myself, you can go.”
“O-o-okay.”
“And Han Joonwoo. Just stop it.”
“Yeah, I think so too.”
Go Yohan, with food in his mouth, immediately spoke with inaccurate pronunciation. It was an interference that came out of nowhere. Go Yohan chewed his food and swallowed it. Very slowly. Then, he looked alternatively between Han Joonwoo and I and said, “What are you looking at? You’re making the food taste bad.”
As always, Go Yohan picked fights for no reason. Psychotic bastard. I disliked him every time I saw him. I wordlessly turned my head with the exact same reaction as usual and looked at Han Joonwoo.
“Quit bullying Han Taesan.”
“Fuck, what does that have to do with you?”
“It annoys the people who see it.”
I glared at Han Joonwoo without even blinking once, and he hit the desk with his fist. Because of that, Han Taesan, who was sitting in an unclear position, tightly shut his eyes and stiffened. Finally, Go Yohan laughed falteringly while raising a hand.
“I’m not interfering.”
And he continued after licking the water on his lips.
“Use majority vote. I’m neutral, Jun-ie is for leaving, Joonwoo is for staying.”
I’m only saying this now but Go Yohan is one of the very few people who call me Jun. It made me feel unpleasant. Those emotions sometimes show in my manner of speaking. Just like right now.
“Don’t keep meddling. The numbers certainly don’t add up.”
“Why don’t they add up? There’s one more person over there.”
Not caring, Go Yohan raised the corner of his mouth. With one hand in his pocket and one hand pointing at Han Taesan with a sway.
“Why? Is Han Taesan not a person?”
“You’re crazy.”
“Why aren’t you saying anything? Tell us, what do you want to do?”
He’d speak very well in these types of atmospheres. I let out a sigh at Go Yohan’s thoughtless actions and picked up the spoon again to rummage through my food. At that moment, Han Joonwoo tapped on the table with a single finger.
“If you say you’re going, you’ll die starting from today.”
Water began to leak from Han Taesan’s big eyes. Those big eyes on the verge of tears stared at me with an expression asking to be saved. Damn it. I pursed my lips.
“It’s okay. I’ll stop him.”
“Hey, Kang Jun.”
I heard the sound of him grinding his teeth and calling me. I pretended to be resolute and looked at Han Joonwoo, but in that moment I lost control of my sorrow and felt like I was suddenly going to burst. I took one look at the ceiling in order to suppress my emotions before lowering my head towards the front and spoke calmly, “What about me?”
“You…”
Han Joonwoo clenched his fist. He was glaring at me. I felt the pain of burning to death in those eyes. Still, I had to endure it. Because my instincts told me I can’t let Han Taesan stay by Han Joonwoo’s side. However, what Han Joonwoo’s gaze was focused on was, once again, Han Taesan.
“I-I’ll go.”
“……”
“K-Kang Jun-ah, thanks.”
As soon as Han Taesan said that and swiftly left, Han Joonwoo immediately turned around. His gaze was still focused on Han Taesan. Fuck. Unknowingly, I let out a curse.
Han Joonwoo stood up on the spot and threw his spoon and chopsticks to the floor before aggressively pushing his tray towards me. And he motionlessly stared down at me. My head was trying its best in order to make sure my desperate agitation wasn’t revealed. I picked up some soup with my spoon and drank it with an expression that revealed that nothing was wrong at all. When the spoon touched my lips, I could feel that my arm was shaking slightly.
“Cut the meddling, Kang Jun.”
“……”
“Don’t keep pissing me off.”
“……”
I looked at Han Joonwoo’s body, which was indistinct outside of my gaze which rested on the lunch tray. It was Go Yohan’s long arm that blocked that violent gaze being shot in my direction. He didn’t seem to have any great intentions. He just wanted the food that hadn’t even touched Han Joonwoo’s lips. See, he was laughing while raising one corner of his mouth.
“Hey, Han Joonwoo. Can I eat all of your food?”
“Shit, pig out, asshole.”
“Sure.”
Even at Han Joonwoo’s harsh words, Go Yohan laughed lightly. As if he didn’t like how he was acting, Han Joonwoo kicked the table and left the cafeteria. I sat unyieldingly. What was with that guy’s pride? No, this isn’t it. This was the driving force that allowed me to firmly hold on until now. I kept my precious pride and continued to eat lunch as usual. However, my head was only filled with thoughts of Han Joonwoo and Han Taesan.
I lifted my head and looked in the direction where Han Taesan would’ve been sitting. To my disgust, Han Taesan was staring at me. When we made eye contact, Han Taesan nodded towards me. Seeing Han Taesan with his head bowed down, I sank my head into the lunch tray.
I said I’d protect him, but in reality I had no interest in what would become of Han Taesan. I was only filled with distressing curiosity about what feelings Han Joonwoo held for Han Taesan and what he would do to him.
Rather, I was on the brink of immediately getting up and ditching my seat to chase after Han Joonwoo. Tap, tap, I knocked the tip of my slippers on the floor. Like a habit, I took glimpses at my surroundings. There were many eyes watching.
Then, I said “oops.” Han Joonwoo stood out, so obviously there were also students watching us. Acting conspicuously will only draw unnecessary suspicion. I bit my lip.
Maybe, I didn’t want the horrible and scary word ‘gay’ to dye my life in a muddy colour. My heart thumped, but my body stayed still and didn’t move. I couldn’t taste anything because my mouth felt rough, but I moved my hand again and ate. My eyes began to grow hot. My throat felt blocked.
I didn’t want to be caught in the pulse of my useless emotions. I just felt like I had to do something and without stopping I put about anything in my mouth and swallowed. Even though I was eating so frantically, someone tapped me on the shoulder lightly.
When I turned my head, Go Yohan put his hand on his mouth and said in a very small voice, “Jun-ah.”
“…what.”
“Honestly, I took like five of your sausages earlier? But since Han Joonwoo gave me his sausages, I’ll give you back three.”
As if he was showing me kindness. Stunned by those words, I bursted out into a scoff.
“What did you just say?”
“I’m kind, so I’ll surely go to heaven, right?”
I couldn’t care less.
This kind of situation was both disgusting and infuriating so I couldn’t stand it anymore and jumped out of my seat and got up. I just told Go Yohan that I was done eating and that I was leaving in an irresponsible manner. I threw away all of my leftovers and splashed the cold water from the faucet in front of the cafeteria on my face. Wiping my face with the back of my hand, I ran into Go Yohan, who seemed to have quickly finished his food and was sauntering.
“How could you go and leave me like that? Are you even human?”
“I just felt a bit hot.”
“What the, why’d you wash your face so aggressively?”
“… just because.”
“Woah, you’re soaking wet.”
Go Yohan grimaced.
“My god, if you’re wet then should I clean1 you off?”
“Ha!”
I scoffed at his cheap joke. Then, I made eye contact with Han Taesan, who seemed to have hurriedly followed me out. No way, did he leave because I left? The insidious displeasure that permeated me starting from my soles horrified me. I quickly pretended to rebut something to Go Yohan, who had been making jokes at me and ignored Han Taesan’s gaze.
“K-knock it off with those dirty words.”
“What’s so dirty about cleaning? Jun-ie, you have a dirty side to your mind.”
“You said it like that on purpose.”
“When did I? You must have imagined it.”
Go Yohan laughed with his eyes closed, which was rare. It seems like he found my embarrassed rambling funny. He was still an annoying punk.
“Anyway, seems like goodie two shoes’ always think lewdly behind people’s backs.”
“I said that wasn’t it!”
However, wasn’t it said that life was an unexpected road? Sometimes, when I defended Han Taesan from Han Joonwoo’s bullying, something unexpected would happen.
It was time to go home.
“Jun-ah. Y-you know, can you l-let me know what the teacher said…”
“What?”
“Joonwoo suddenly made me go on an errand so… I couldn’t hear it.”
“……”
Strangely, I’ve become Han Taesan’s refuge. Maybe, since he was a guy with not even a single friend, it’d be natural to ask me who was kind to him.
“Until next week, we’ll be doing a performance assessment.”
“Really? Wow, I hate that.”
I wasn’t talking to you. Go Yohan, who had no way of knowing that, replied while laughing quietly as if talking to himself. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye with a gaze filled with annoyance and looked towards Han Taesan again.
“Thanks, Jun-ah.”
“… well, you’re welcome.”
And the second thing that annoyed me most. At some point, Han Taesan also started calling me Jun.
“Jun-ah, I’m really thankful.”
I frowned a bit.
I just hated how he spoke with Han Joonwoo under this excuse. Detestable bastard. Han Joonwoo was also a horrid bastard. He must have made him run errands on purpose at that time. Implicitly, he must’ve wanted Han Taesan to speak to him. But the stupid Han Taesan asked me.
I know. I know everything. Because I’ve been watching Han Joonwoo for close to over a year. Not Han Taesan, but me.