Han Taesan is poor. If you look at his uniform, you could clearly tell. Never have I seen such worn out cloth in my entire life. He probably inherited it from somewhere. However, I didn’t pity him. I just thought that there were people like him out there. I thought he was a kid that had nothing to do with me. He and I were not of the same class. Originally, I wouldn’t have even said a word to him.
What part of such a Han Taesan made Han Joonwoo so angry, and will he chase him till death even though he’s that angered? Why can’t he let go of Han Taesan? Were the experiences he’s never had before that amazing? I should’ve also been born in a poor family. I scratched my neck while having thoughts that were a bit pathetic.
And, because that’s the way life works, I started becoming more and more calm seeing Han Joonwoo take care of Han Taesan, just like how I became more and more calm seeing Han Joonwoo sleep with women from the side. It was because a lot more time had passed than I had thought. Plus, the time where Han Joonwoo and I didn’t talk was also long.
And as a lot of time had passed, the tactless Han Taesan made an idiotic move again. He was sneakily pretending to be close to me. Hasn’t he grown tired of this?
Now, as if he had an upset stomach, Han Taesan didn’t even eat in front of Han Joonwoo, and he didn’t shake like a moron at every little thing. But his act of sometimes tugging slightly at my clothes didn’t change. At those times, I’d smile faintly while raising my arm and removing him from my clothes.
Sometimes, when I see the look in Han Taesan’s eyes, a part of my chest would feel uneasy and scared. Whenever Han Taesan looked at me, I looked to the floor. Then, some time ago, I suddenly felt the emotions I felt in the taxi I rode to go see Han Joonwoo at the hotel and I slept shallowly while burying my face in the pillow all night.
That’s what adolescent love is all about, isn’t it.
Even though I tried so hard to console myself, sadness wouldn’t leave me be.
And, Han Joonwoo often spoke to Han Taesan lately. He already spoke to him often, but the problem was how he spoke to him a bit more kindly now. Han Joonwoo’s eyes looking at Han Taesan were always shaking slightly.
The moment I looked at that was like the moment I died in agony. Go Yohan said.
For the most part, they were useless words. But honestly, I was grateful for them.
One day, I just suddenly became curious about Han Taesan and Han Joonwoo leaving school together. It was a very simple curiosity for a jealous man.
Seeing how Han Joonwoo followed Han Taesan after he left while silencing the sound of his footsteps, it didn’t seem like they were going side by side. I was curious about Han Joonwoo, who followed the back of a grown boy whom he didn’t even tire of. Amid that, I had a bad feeling that this’d be no different from Pandora’s box.
A tiny box that shouldn’t be opened. A box that you’d look at even if you knew it contained despair with all the sadness in the world crammed in it and hope that was even more sad and wicked than despair.
“… I’m actually going crazy.”
Yeah, I wasn’t in my right mind. Even though I knew that fact, I still shadowed Han Joonwoo after school.
However, I couldn’t even go halfway and turned back.
Han Joonwoo, who stared vacantly at the sight of Han Taesan’s back while walking carefully to avoid getting caught by him. The old, peeled paint covering the cheap concrete. Rusty gates, dusty overpasses, cars with dented bumpers. Two boys walking front and rear in a place with such old and cheap landscape. Han Taesan and Han Joonwoo. Me, vacantly looking at the two from afar.
I turned back because everything was idiotic and moronic.
Sitting in front of a desk in a room with the lights off, I did some deep thinking and thought I did well. I was curious, but I didn’t know what scene I would have witnessed had I followed them until the end. Rather, it was a relief I only saw that much. Yeah, it’s better not to know. I’m not an idiot who’d open Pandora’s box out of trifling curiosity.
Han Joonwoo’s obsession got worse by the day, and Han Taesan was still uncomfortable with him. In a way, he seemed to hate Han Joonwoo.
No, he definitely hated him. Naturally, I didn’t blame him. There’s no way he can see a bastard who beat him around throughout his transfer in a good light. Honestly, I felt a bit pleased. Should I consider it fortunate that I didn’t stop Han Joonwoo from beating up Han Taesan in the beginning?
I intertwined my fingers, put my palms behind my head, and stared at the ceiling. I saw luxurious lights. My family was very well off, and since I was born as an only child, I received teeming love. I always lived getting whatever I wanted.
“… damn it.”
Until I fell in love with Han Joonwoo, I thought that there was nothing in this world that I couldn’t accomplish. The horrible Han Joonwoo, who taught me the cruel reality that the affairs of the world won’t always go as I wish, would’ve also lived like that. And Han Joonwoo must’ve also realized it desperately.
Ah, as if it wanted me to see it, the world was so cruel.
At least I was better than Han Joonwoo in the fact I knew how to control myself and hide it. Han Joonwoo was eaten by his own emotions and he didn’t know what eyes he looked at Han Taesan with. That sudden and abnormal feeling could’ve only made him anxious.
It was a feeling I knew well because I experienced it too. I endured it, but Han Joonwoo couldn’t. So, far from trying hard to look good to Han Taesan, he consistently acted in a way that made him hated. Rather, that was something good for me.
“Please, don’t find out until the end.”
Or let the spent Han Taesan go far away. I didn’t really hold the greed of wanting Han Joonwoo to come to me. Rather, this kind of love was scary.
It was just that, one day, when I suddenly won’t be in love with Han Joonwoo anymore, I wanted Han Joonwoo to start another love. That was all. And, as expected, the world didn’t go as I wished.
What was worse was that Han Joonwoo switched seats with the student sitting next to Han Taesan. In the front row right in front of the teacher’s desk, which was said to be the worst. He was tall, but he just had to sit in a spot where he’d cover the entire blackboard. Han Taesan’s original desk partner greeted Go Yohan and I with an awkward face that was either an indebted expression or an embarrassed one.
“Hey guys.”
Go Yohan and I snuck glances at each other and simply made a brief nod.
“Haha…”
We heard his awkward laugh but neither Go Yohan nor I reacted to it. It might’ve been because we weren’t interested.
Han Joonwoo sat next to Han Taesan without saying a word. The entire time. So I wished and wished even more. That all the emotions we held would stay like this, in an unmoving state for another year and a half and may this current moment become a midday dream we cannot even remember.
There’s another change. Han Joonwoo finally stopped his habit of having nightly activities every weekend. Hearing the stories being told in Han Joonwoo or Go Yohan’s group, it doesn’t seem like he’s stopped them completely, but at least he didn’t openly brag about his heroic tales in class or live recklessly.
But some part of me wanted this. At least, I didn’t have to inhale the traces remaining of the smell of lustful intercourse myself.
“Hey, Han Joonwoo. You aren’t gonna do this again? This?”
Hong Hwijun shook his bottom in front of Han Joonwoo while moving his hand promiscuously near his private areas. Han Joonwoo’s face, which had been calm, frowned when he saw those vulgar moves and he hastily snuck a glance in Han Taesan’s direction while shouting, “You son of a bitch, I told you not to say those things in public!”
“You bastard… hey, why are you suddenly distancing yourself? Huh?”
“From now on, know that you’ll die if you bring that up, Hong Hwijun.”
“Hey, Joonwoo-ya.”
“Fuuuck, I told you to shut your mouth.”
“… a-alright.”
Like this, the guys were dissatisfied. That was because Han Joonwoo, who was taller than the average adult male and gave off a mature feel, fully satisfied the curiosity of high school boys who were at their peak interest in sex.
The punks in Han Joonwoo and Go Yohan’s group have all, despite being clumsy, played with their nether regions at least once or a fair amount of times, so they were more fired up than the idiots who knew nothing about sex. When Han Joonwoo no longer spoke about his relations with women, the guys looked at Go Yohan with expecting eyes. However, Go Yohan bared his teeth while making a very disgusted face, “Shitty prostitute bastards.”
“Ah, again! Again! Go Yohan is bullshitting again.”
“But that bullshit is true. We all know he’s a religious fanatic.”
“Crazy bastard. A waste of resources too.”
A round of laughter rumbled.
As was mentioned, the punks of the group were all punks who have entered and exited the taboo zone at least once but, strangely, Go Yohan wasn’t like them. So, like a joke, they teased him for being a virgin, but no one could ignore Go Yohan. Because he was Go Yohan. At the same time, Go Yohan was a punk who acted lightheartedly in everything, so his words and actions were also lighthearted. So, everyone liked him while saying he was a guy who acted differently from his looks and acted close to him.
“Hey, shit, stop staring at me, Go Yohan. I’m going to piss myself if you stare at me.”
“Right, that bastard looks so fucking scary.”
“Do you crazy bastards want to die?”
At Go Yohan’s words and frown, the punks in the group cowered. It wasn’t even funny. In the time I thought about how the punks who sat in the back of class and whom I wasn’t sure whether they were Go Yohan’s friends or considered less than friends laughed fakely at something unimportant Go Yohan had said and chattered away, I also joined in and looked blankly at my bottom.
“……”
According to my memories, my lower areas have never once stood because of a woman. Maybe, in that respect, I was gay since birth. I stood when I saw erotic videos of men and women doing the deed, but I’ve never particularly masturbated while thinking of a woman. The former was simply like a stimulating situation that made me feel hot and the latter was as if I couldn’t feel the desire.
Because of Han Joonwoo, I went to clubs as if being dragged there but I was kicked out at the entrance. Because I didn’t have a fake ID card. So, there were even times where I waited on the street until Han Joonwoo came out. On the contrary, I even wondered why I would need to go to such a place.
Because of this, the group of punks who hung out together called me Kang Jun the Ascetic but, truthfully, my asceticism was almost no different from compulsory.
I let out a small sigh.
All the guys were talking about Go Yohan’s story so they couldn’t hear my absentminded sigh. In that gap, I looked at the silent Han Joonwoo. Han Joonwoo was staring motionlessly at the head of Han Taesan, who was studying far away.
Then, I regretted it again. Why did I look at Han Joonwoo because of another curiosity? For the sake of forgetting reality, I asked Go Yohan a useless question, “Then, are you really not going to do it until marriage?”
Go Yohan, who was sitting in his chair as if lying down, suddenly looked hard at my center. That gaze was unexpectedly persistent, so I also unknowingly crossed my legs and covered my center. W-what’s with him?
“You aren’t even my wife, what’s it got to do with you? Why, are you going to give it to me?”
“……”
I knew it. This bastard always played malicious jokes. The guys laughed hearing those words, and I kicked Go Yohan’s shin. Days like that repeated every day.