Like that, the early morning classroom had an adequate atmosphere. It was the usual routine for punks like Choi Donghwan and Park Dongchil to furtively crowd in with envious eyes to listen to the heroic tales of Han Joonwoo while we were talking like this. Sneakily returning to their own seats when they see the homeroom teacher come in while they speak loudly and performing the morning greeting came next.
It was impossible for it not to be quite the wholesome morning for the punks in school who stood out well.
Anyhow, they were eighteen-year-olds who were above the rest. The promiscuous sex stories about last night that bloomed among the surroundings of the boys was very unpleasant to me. Even more so because the party directly involved was Han Joonwoo. Even so, I passed over it smiling and pretending I was very amused.
I thought this process made for quite a good morning. However, it was around a month and fifteen days ago that everything concerned with this morning was broken. The culprit was entirely Han Taesan.
“Hey, Han Taesan’s here.”
“That bastard got beaten so badly, but he’s still thinking of coming to school?”
Choi Donghwan pointed to Han Taesan right in front of his face and ridiculed him to his heart’s content. Han Taesan, who was at the end of Choi Donghwan’s finger, covered his face with his bangs and entered the classroom hesitantly. He curled up as soon as he sat in the seat in front of the classroom desk and laid his sloppy bag on his desk. I let out a sigh filled with annoyance when I saw his back.
Han Taesan was a real dirty bastard. A moron with a weak voice and a small physique. When the guys of our class began whispering, Han Joonwoo glared as if drilling a hole in Han Taesan’s back and murmured low curses. I hated it so much. I hated that sensitivity.
Han Joonwoo snatched the newspaper that Go Yohan had covered his face with. And he crumpled that newspaper into the size of his fist and threw it at Han Taesan’s head. Tuk. With a light sound, Han Taesan’s head fell on the desk.
“Fuuuuck. Don’t go walking around with such a gross face in the morning.”
Han Taesan put his arms on the desk and hid his face. He did exactly as Han Joonwoo said. However, seeing that, Han Joonwoo kicked the leg of his own desk.
“Hey! Aren’t you gonna answer me?” Han Joonwoo stood up from his seat and yelled. Han Taesan laid face down and answered in a shaking voice, “Y-yes.”
“Keep your head straight and look at me when you’re talking.”
Han Joonwoo, that punk knew what he was saying. I let out a fake laugh at that illogical argument.
Whether I did so, Han Joonwoo got up from his seat and approached Han Taesan. The more his steps hit the floor, the more that unpleasant feeling inside me was clearly exposed.
Han Joonwoo and Han Taesan got closer. With just that, I gradually lost control of the emotions I had been suppressing.
This could never be classified as the same type of jealousy I held when Han Joonwoo and Go Yohan became close. Like Han Joonwoo, I, too, held something insidious inside me. So, observing the relationship between Han Joonwoo and Go Yohan made me grow dull, but seeing the relationship between Han Joonwoo and Han Taesan made me feel more anxious every time. My hands were shaking. I clenched both hands tightly in order to hide their shakiness.
Han Joonwoo delivered a heavy kick to Han Taesan’s desk and as soon as the desk shook as if it were inclining, Han Taesan straightened his back and stood up like he was going to faint. Then, he spoke in a voice that was still unstable, “S-sorry.”
Then, standing still, Han Joonwoo looked down at Han Taesan’s face. Han Taesan, who looked to be on the verge of tears. But the one who seemed like they were actually going to burst into tears was me.
Han Joonwoo didn’t order Han Taesan to do any trivial errands or the sorts, but he was always looking at Han Taesan’s back. Even when Han Taesan went to the bathroom during the break and he was in the middle of a conversation with us, he didn’t drop his gaze from Han Taesan’s back. The reason I knew that was because I was the one who didn’t drop my gaze off Han Joonwoo.
If I had to speak honestly about my first impression of him, it was that although his skin didn’t look the fairest, his youthful appearance made it so it’d be comfortable to look at his face for a long time, and more than anything else his smiling face made me think he seemed genuinely happy; even his expressionless face was bright.
Before Han Joonwoo started bullying Han Taesan, there wasn’t really anyone who hated him. He seemed like a kid who grew up receiving lots of warm love. Rather than being sociable, his personality was closer to the type that enjoyed staying alone. Even so, you couldn’t find anything like worry or displeasure on his face.
Most people said he was an okay punk. He received even more positive criticism because he wasn’t the type to show off that he was raised with lots of love. So to speak, Han Taesan was someone who was humble, quiet, bright, and seemed nice for no exact reason.
Contrary to that atmosphere, I didn’t like him all that much from the beginning. I didn’t hate him; it was just that I had no interest. It’d be more accurate to say I didn’t pay any mind to him at first. However, in the conversation with my friends, Han Joonwoo or even Go Yohan, the topic of Han Taesan would sometimes pop up. In those situations, I’d just put on an act and lie to them like “Ah, him? He’s okay. He’s nice.”
Han Joonwoo, like me, had little interest in Han Taesan in the beginning too. He was already a punk who wasn’t interested in school matters. So, after Han Taesan transferred in May, the two didn’t exchange a single word until June. Originally, their relationship was like that.
However, just one day, a slightly twisted thorn was stuck into this normal everyday life. It happened right after lunch, and now that I look back at it, never have I regretted doing something so much in my life.
Han Taesan was the type of person who enjoyed sitting in a corner and reading books during every break. And I had a habit of acting nice to those who had a good reputation in our surroundings.
Because of that, when I coincidentally ran into Han Taesan, I started speaking first about the book he was reading. In my case, I was closer to the type who liked to act like they were cultured than to actually read books.
“It seems like you really like books.”
“Huh? Uh, yeah.”
Until this moment, Han Taesan and I were indifferent towards each other. So, it may have been easier for me to approach him.
“Have you finished reading that book?”
“Uh, I… I’m almost done.”
“Then just close it. You’ll be disappointed if you read the ending. It’s a book where the ending ruins everything.”
“Have you read this?”
“Yeah, a long time ago.”
For the sake of my intellectual vanity, I’d always look up stuff like criticisms or reviews after reading books in order to use them later during conversations. While tracing over such memories, I criticized it while also not criticizing it and Han Taesan beamed with a thrilled expression. I was embarrassed.
“I’ve seen no one around me read this book except for me.”
“Ah… is that so?”
“Still, I’ll read it until the end. It’s also fun to think about why it ended that way.”
“Well, that’s true. Each person may appreciate it differently.”
“Hearing your words, I’m expecting it even more.”
That smile still remains uncomfortably in my memories. Had I felt an instinctive uneasiness there?
After that, Han Taesan often came looking for me. I felt annoyed on the inside thinking ‘Why me of all people?’ but Han Taesan, who had a good reputation, wasn’t bad to keep around so I readily accepted those bothersome visits.
Then again, among our peers, they didn’t have the time to read any books that weren’t textbooks or workbooks. Even if they did have time, they only saw them as pillows and the sort. Han Taesan didn’t have anyone to talk about that stuff apart from me.
That day was also one of those days. Of those countless days, it was one of the unluckiest.
Go Yohan is my enemy. Why the hell did I do that that day? Why was I, who had no interest in others, acting so nosy that day? Why did Go Yohan spread out his Korean language mock test for everyone passing by to see?
I, who hated showing my grades to others, had thought that it must be Go Yohan’s and flipped over the test that was openly laid out. The problem was that I had seen Go Yohan’s grades while doing that. 81 points. Doubting my eyes, I checked it for a second time. I confirmed it was really 81 points. The cut for this Korean language mock test was high so if it’s this much, it should barely pass grade 4 but nevertheless, it was above grade 4.
That was the moment my fixed ideas were broken for the first time and it was a shock to me in a way. Thinking about how Go Yohan wasn’t as bad as I had thought, Han Joonwoo’s grades naturally came to mind. That punk’s real garbage. The guy who picked number 2 for every question from start to finish would lie down and sleep until the end of the exam and had never once gotten a proper grade.
Was that why I felt like I pointlessly saw recyclable trash amid garbage? For a while, I was restless because of the fact the guy I hated terribly was a more rehabilitable type than the guy I liked. Feeling uncertain, I did something that I would usually never do.
It wasn’t something great. I just wrote a brief note on the test with a pen rolling next to it.
<Try focusing on solving the non-literary problems. I think you’ll reach grade 3 soon. Good job. Kang Jun. p.s sorry for looking at your grades as I pleased. It was just spread out, so I saw it while turning it over.>
Looking at your grades as I pleased, I felt embarrassed by my arrogance of evaluating it as I wanted so I wrote that down for no reason.
I clearly felt those feelings, but I didn’t know why I wrote it down. It was just that, back then, I was obviously out of my mind. Whatever it was, if things got messed up, it was because we had to get off on the wrong foot. For me, this event was the start of it.
If I hadn’t written that note, I wouldn’t have met Han Taesan who was walking down the hallway holding books. I’d just have passed by him. Again, I acted nosy like a moron. Asking what is that, I looked at the book Han Taesan was holding and pretended to recognize it.
“That one’s a bit fun.”
At those words, Han Taesan replied with sparkling eyes as if he had been waiting, “Have you already read this book too?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow…”
“It was shorter than I thought so I read it quickly.”
I must have wanted to pretend like I knew stuff. Acting arrogant. I was always that type of guy.
“When I finish this, can I come see you? Actually, I’m almost done reading this one. I just have a bit of the end left to read, I want to discuss it with you.”
“It doesn’t really matter. Anytime is fine.”
Why did I say that? It was my greatest mistake. Leaving behind the beaming Han Taesan who was excited for the up-and-coming fun time and looking for Han Joonwoo was also a mistake.
Han Joonwoo likes debauched things. He also likes defiance and pleasure. Han Joonwoo just liked everything his parents disliked. I, who was only a friend who had been in his class for a bit over a year and a half, didn’t know whether that was his way of rebelling against his parents or if he was someone who originally liked that kind of thing. However, Han Joonwoo was someone who chose to actively behave much more debauchedly than the other kids so everyone said it was likely he had that sort of situation.
Han Joonwoo, naturally, smoked.
He was a punk who smoked half a pack a day, so he almost smoked every three hours before returning. That time usually falls at the end of first period and right after lunchtime. After first period, I was restless. Every time, as soon as the bell rung, I’d turn around and ask, “Han Joonwoo, are you going to go smoke again?”
“Yeah, I’m going crazy to the point my hands are shaking.”
“Then I’ll go with you too.”
“What’s a bastard that doesn’t even smoke following for?”
“Cigarettes are better than the smell of stinky sweat coming from the classroom. I really feel like I’m going to throw up here.”
“You’re so sensitive.”
“Are you going to the incinerator?”
“Yeah, come if you want to follow me.”
“Give me a second.”
However, Han Joonwoo almost never waited for me. He’d just leave while holding a lighter before I could even wear my outer garments. Truthfully, I don’t like the smell of cigarettes all that much. Rather, I hated it to the point of wanting to retch as soon as I smell it.
Now, I knew I could tolerate it to the point of sticking to Han Joonwoo’s side and watching him open his mouth to puff. I liked the bleary eyes that Han Joonwoo showed, and I liked the soft tip of his nose next. In order to be able to have this moment, I endured the pain. Because it was the moment where I could openly look at Han Joonwoo.
While I stared at Han Joonwoo’s face, Han Taesan came.
“Kang Jun-ah!”
What is it this time?
I felt like someone forcefully pulled me out of an affectionate moment. A bit embarrassed, I lifted my head and asked, “What are you doing here…?”
“I finished reading this.”
He put on a bright expression as if proving he was wandering around here and there while carrying a book just to look for me. The face everyone felt friendly towards. And Han Taesan, who was about to talk to me, suddenly noticed Han Joonwoo and said this, “Students shouldn’t be smoking. And next to a friend at that.”
In Han Taesan’s uniquely good-natured way of speaking, not resenting anyone specific nor cursing them.
“Your friend wouldn’t like it.”
At those words, Han Joonwoo furrowed his eyebrows and threw the cigarette placed between his fingers at Han Taesan’s feet.
“Who are you?”
“You’re still cool though.”
Han Taesan smiled and Han Joonwoo, who stood still while looking at him, only moved a finger. A heat haze was rising from the floor, and in that moment I was bewitched by that strange heat haze for a bit.
I guess it was from that moment on that Han Joonwoo discovered the existence called Han Taesan. A punk with no presence silently hiding in the corner of a classroom filled with a horrid stench. From that moment on, Han Joonwoo began looking at the back of Han Taesan’s head so yeah, maybe what I thought was right.
However, Han Taesan, who was quiet and wasn’t enthusiastic about human relationships since the beginning, held no interest in Han Joonwoo and didn’t even think of getting close to him. It was obvious that Han Taesan’s attitude scratched Han Joonwoo’s pride even more.
The proof was that, after around half a month had passed, Han Joonwoo tripped Han Taesan who was walking in the middle of the classroom for the first time.
“O-ouch…!”
Han Taesan fell over and frowned, but what was even worse was that he smiled and said sorry even though he was tripped and stood up dusting his pants.
I was embarrassed by the action of tripping Han Taesan. Why, all of a sudden? Frozen in place, I just stayed still and watched and observed the situation that was unfolding. Han Joonwoo, not caring about the embarrassed me, spoke slowly while sweeping over his light hair.
Those words were still vivid in my memory.
“Fuck. Look where you’re going when you walk. This happened because you were walking without even knowing or looking properly at what’s in front of you.”
Now that I’m thinking back on those words, it sounds exactly like him getting mad and whining that he didn’t see him. I often snort at Han Joonwoo’s childishness.