When she stooped over to pour me wine, I looked at her face. It was smooth, fair and clear, her features gentle and pretty. She truly looked devastatingly beautiful. I thought that any man who saw her face, would feel moved. Tears in the corners of her eyes, she brightly smiled at me. Sitting next to me, she looked cheerful and glad, she exhausted her strength wanting to please me.
Looking at her, I could not help but feel faintly jealous.
If I were a woman–
If I were a woman like Shishi–
Once this thought crossed my mind, it set me ablaze. Igniting an inferno in my heart in an instant. This thought made my chest rise and fall in anxiousness. Utterly unsettled, I could not restrain my fierce rage. I raised my hand and the table, with its exquisite dishes and empty wine jugs on top, was toppled over and broken apart. Frightened, everyone present fell to their knees in fear.
I stood still, my whole body trembling, my back drenched in cold sweat, and my mind was filled with Yang Lianting’s face. The food he cooks for me tasted suitably light, the wine he brews for me tasted strong and fragrant, both I liked to eat and drink to my heart’s content. The nights he kept vigil I slept soundly and the days he stood laughingly beside me…
He looked the most handsome when he laughed.
If only I were a woman–
But how could I be a woman?
Raising my wine jug, the alcohol burnt my throat and tasted horribly bitter and spicy.
I am a castrate.
A mutilated monster, neither male nor female.
Even I am disgusted with myself, feel terrified of myself, let alone Yang Lianting? A man like him should find a woman, who was as gentle as water, lovable and humble, knew housekeeping, and could take care of him. The more I thought of such a future, even though it seemed reasonable, the more I could not control my burning rage. Furious, I shattered the ceramic jug in my hand into pieces. The sharp fragments piercing into my shaking hand, fresh red blood flowing down my fingers.
After I returned to my chambers, Yang Lianting noticed the wound on my hand and panicked instantly. I watched him search through my trunks and boxes until he found some Golden Sore Medicine. I heard him worriedly and anxiously ask me if I was alright, “Cult Master, what happened?”
I condescendingly looked at his face and heard myself asking him, as if bewitched, “Yang Lianting, when are you going to get married?”
Stunned still, he thought about it for a moment and told me, “I haven’t thought about it yet.”
The heavens knew how glad I felt, when he replied that he didn’t intend to marry yet. I couldn’t restrain my heartbeat from fluttering frantically in joy, couldn’t restrain the longing surging from the depths of my heart.
From that day onwards, I began to treat him very well. I knew he wanted to gain power and status, so I promoted him to be part of the Purple Guard and ordered all the maids and handymen to listen to his orders. I even let him participate in the cult’s affairs and let him move to my residence so he could handle all the basic necessities of life. The entire congregation said that Guard Yang was deeply favored by the Cult Master. During those days, that man stood in the midst of the storm. Everyone respectfully called him ‘Guard Yang’ and flattered him to curry favor.
One day, he accompanied a steward down the cliff. Lingering in the red light district was common among the Jianghu’s people, but Yang Lianting had always stayed back on the cliff when they left. He had always attentively served me and meticulously taken care of me. I never thought that he would leave the cliff and go to that kind of place together with the others one day.
Walking stumblingly up the cliffside, he returned completely drunk. His entire body reeked of strong alcohol and was covered in the heavy pungent scent of women’s powder. Swaying in the spring breeze, he appeared flushed with success.
Standing upon the precipice, I looked at him from a distance. The instant I noticed him, my whole body trembled violently and my mind was unable to discern the feelings in my heart.
The day I personally cut off my qualification to be a man, I had not felt any pain. The days I felt the yin cold chill me to the bone, the frigid poison piercing into my heart like an awl, I had not felt any pain either. But when I saw his loose half-open robes and the corners of his mouth curved into a smile, I felt heartache.
Like a blade twisting in my heart.
I hate that I cannot bear to kill him.
Ever since I had risen in power, all who disobeyed my heart’s intentions, all who made me unhappy in the slightest, all of them were dead. But the instant my palm was about to strike his body, I withdrew my hand. He was just a normal man, what right did I have to question him?
I turned around to leave.
Sobering up in an instant, he stood still before his cult master in reverence and fear. Silently hesitating, he then suddenly took a step forward and pulled on my sleeve.
“Guard Yang, what are you doing?” I asked him, restraining myself from revealing any feelings on my face.
Startled, he loosened his tight grip and let go. He quickly fell to his knees and kowtowed to honestly admit his offense, “This Subordinate has transgressed.”
In an instant, my heart felt as if it were thrown into a cauldron of boiling oil. My chest violently rose and fell. I fixedly stared at him, firmly grabbed his collar and yelled at him, “If you go to that filthy place ever again, I will kill you with my own hands!”
I was very close to him, close enough to see myself reflected in his eyes, close enough to see a face that no longer looked calm and collected but brimmed with jealousy, a face that looked ugly and repulsive to the extreme.
I was beside myself, as if I had lost my mind.
He was very close to me, close enough that I could see a face filled with shock and disbelief.
I quickly loosened my grip around his collar and let go of him then turned around and flew away without looking at him again. Yang Lianting was not a fool, my words and actions had been so obvious, I knew he could tell the truth at a glance.
After that day, he began to avoid me. I only saw him from a distance. Whenever he noticed me, he turned around abruptly to avoid me like snakes and scorpions, he switched his night shifts with the other personal guards, and he even feigned illness so he no longer had to help prepare my meals.
That night, I used my qinggong to fly on top of the roof. I sat there on the beam and quietly watched him all night. The stormy wind that night was freezingly cold, my outer robes were blown audibly by the winds, but I was relieved that he had not fallen ill.
I knew that he would not hide from me for too long, because Yang Lianting is an ambitious person. On Blackwood Cliff I was the one who held the greatest authority in his grasp. If he wanted to stand out among the congregation he had to return and please me. When dawn broke and the bright sun rose in the East, I gazed at him and thought to myself that I truly did not want too much.
I only want him to stay beside me.
As expected, he returned not long after.
He was still as patient and meticulous as before when he took care of me and obeyed my orders. He reminded me to wear more clothes on cold winter days, he accompanied me to drink on hot summer days, and he prepared three meals a day for me.
He was good to me, soft and gentle.
Occasionally, I could not avoid laughing happily whenever I gazed at him. Previously, I had thought that sitting on the highest seat within the Holy Cult was awfully cold and dull. Only when he approached me to climb up for the sake of his ambition, when he endured his own disgust and discomfort to approach me could I not help but feel happy again.
My absolute authority had its use after all, didn’t it?
He treated me well, very well.
Gentle and considerate.
Time passed and I nearly forgot that all he did was solely for the sake of that ambition of his. That day, I had drunk too much wine, took hold of his hand, and asked him, “Yang Lianting can I call you Lian di?”
Lian di, Lian di…
Such an intimate and familiar sound.
Like lips and teeth, closely related and mutually dependent.
My whole heart felt a pleasant and content happiness.
“Yes.”
My heart skipped a beat.
Looking at his strong features, his extremely handsome face, I wondered if, maybe, he might like me a little as well.
I ordered him to keep night vigil that evening.
Before he came, I instructed the maids to prepare a tub of hot water for bathing. When he was still far away, I quietly listened to his footsteps as they approached me step by step.
I heard my own heartbeat too.
Gazing at that deathly pale face reflected in the mirror, I took a deep breath, raised my trembling hand and overturned the table at the side. Suddenly hearing the sound from within the room, as my personal guard, he naturally did not even think twice before rushing in. I stood up and stepped out of the bathtub.
Naked.
Completely naked.
I acted indignant and questioned why he had barged in. The heavens knew how I felt. My entire body, from head to foot, was shivering violently. Even my teeth were clattering and my mouth had a bitter metallic taste. My body rapidly cooled until it felt as cold as ice, my qi and blood flow reversed, yet I tightly clenched my hands into fists. I used all my life’s courage to turn my head to look at him.
I think the instant he saw my body, the expression in his eyes, may be the greatest nightmare of my life. He stared blankly and then his line of sight fell between my legs.
In truth, he concealed his reaction well. That expression only flickered in his eyes for a mere instant before it vanished into the depths. His eyes quickly returned to their usual calmness and he pretended as if nothing had happened.
Reaching out for my clothes, I wrapped them around myself with trembling hands. Refusing to look at him, I coldly ordered him to leave immediately.
The instant the doors closed, I felt a sharp pain stabbing my chest as if I were suffocating, I felt the blood in my whole body turn cold little by little. Gazing in the direction he hurriedly left, I smiled bitterly.
Look.
Dongfang Bubai, you’re too foolish.
Setting up such a situation to see whether or not he would be different from everyone else, only to be deceived by this wildly ambitious and ingratiating man instead, only to achieve this kind of miserable and ridiculous ending.
That evening, I drank jug after jug of strong wine.
I did not worry about him revealing the truth, but I absolutely did not want to see him again. I no longer let him keep my night vigil, no longer let him prepare my meals, and I began to retreat into seclusion. In truth, I initially prepared to let him off the cliff.
Never letting him return in this life, in this lifetime.
But once I was about to speak, I could not bear to speak.
Look, I’m too ridiculous.
Unexpectedly the world’s first, the Invincible East, lowered himself to humbly and pitifully hope for another man’s love. If the truth were spoken, who in the entire Wulin would believe it?
Yang Lianting.
Lian di.
The heavens knew that every single day during my seclusion, day after day, I was unable to suppress my yearning for him. So, once I waved my hand to open the secret chamber’s heavy stone doors and left seclusion, I sought him again for the first time.
Initially, I only wanted to quietly glance at him from afar but I never expected him to drink so much, too much.
Drinking jug after jug of wine as if he were drowning himself in alcohol to forget about the vexing matter on his mind. I heard the sound of shattering wine jugs and knew that he felt unwell. I rushed into the room without another thought, but instantly I felt awfully embarrassed and ridiculous. I hardened my beating heart and put on a cold face, wanting to turn around and leave again.
But once I met his eyes, I stilled.
His whole body reeking of alcohol.
His bloodshot eyes staring at me.
“Cult Master.”
In an instant, I felt like an entire lifetime had passed.
Raising my hand to gently help him wipe away his sweat and using my internal energy to relive the alcohol’s effect, I helped him lie down on the bed. But before I could react, he had already leaped back up, reached out his hands and pounced on me.
Pressing me down on the bed.
He had gone mad.
“Cult Master.”
Embracing me within his arms, he called me again.
Strong and heavy scent of wine attacking my face.
Dense and deep kisses falling on my lips.
I want to go mad too.
[1] This Lowly One (小人) is used by a person with lower status than the addressee, such as a servant or guard, to refer to themselves in third person.
[2] Lit. foes that cannot live under the same sky (不共戴天), fig. to be absolutely irreconcilable.
[3] Lit. gifted scholar and beautiful maiden (才子佳人). A romantic literary genre popular during the Ming Dynasty. Wikipedia
[4] Lit. to die by a thousand cuts (凌迟), fig. slow slicing. Lingchi was a form of torture and execution used in China. In this form of execution, a knife was used to methodically remove portions of the body over an extended period of time, eventually resulting in death. Wikipedia
[5] Lit. Seven Day Sever Intestine (七日断肠散), possibly a reference to Demi-Gods and Semi-Devils.
[6] Lian di (莲弟) literally means Little Brother Lotus.
[7] Reference to ch. 31: Dongfang Bubai threw himself by the side of Yang Lianting. He picked him up and put him on the bed gently. Taking off his shoes and socks, then pulling the blanket over him, he behaved like a wife taking care of her husband.
[8] Lit. using mercy and might simultaneously (恩威并施), fig. carrot and stick approach.
[9] Yellow flower (黄花), fig. maiden or virgin, fig. alternative term for chrysanthemum.
[10] Lit. turtledove wine (鸠酒), fig. reference to the Zhenniao’s wine (鸩酒), fig. manhood.
[11] The overcoat (大麾/大氅) was worn above a man’s regular robes. It was characterized by its loose fit, large sleeves, and intricate embroidery. Image
[12] Lit. spring (春), fig. passion.
[13] Qigong Deviation (走火入魔), lit. to catch fire and be possessed by devils, is a state wherein the cultivation base becomes dangerously unstable, causing internal damage to the body and symptoms of psychosis. People who succumb to their Internal Demons, who practice martial arts incorrectly, or who rashly use forbidden arts are all at risk of falling into this state. Immortal Mountain
[14] Lit. countenance of a flower, face like the moon (花容月貌), fig. (of a woman) beautiful and attractive.