I am the Invincible East, the number one martial artist of the Wulin, the cult master of the Sun Moon Holy Cult, and the wife of Yang Lianting.
En, wife.
In my past life, I truly and eagerly hoped to become a woman. If I were a real woman, I could marry Lian di, bear and raise his children. Even though I could not realize this dream from birth to death, I had looked forward to it day and night.
Lian di had always thought that in our past life, he had been the one who took the initiative to provoke me.
But how could it be that simple?
For a lifetime, I had been sitting atop the cliff’s highest seat, I held power over the life and death, the reward and punishment, of the whole congregation. There were countless people who had flattered and fawned over me for the sake of power and influence every day. Exhausting their minds and means to curry favor with me. Initially, he had been so nervous and clumsy, barely able to hide his intentions to climb up. I could clearly see his ambition.
However, I was still willing to be deceived by him.
When I first saw my Lian di, he was just a small handyman.
Lowly and insignificant, stepped on like dirt.
In fact there were lots and lots of handymen like him atop the cliff. From time to time, I murdered one or two when my qigong deviated.[13] Unable to suppress the killing intent and evil qi in my heart, I madly killed those around me. Every time, once they saw the expression in my eyes they all panicked, lowered their heads so low I could not see their faces, knelt down and kowtowed on the ground until their foreheads bled horribly.
I know that they all think of me as a monster behind my back. But I truly am a monster, aren’t I? Once I began cultivating the Sunflower Manual and turned myself into a castrate, neither man nor woman, I became a monster.
Back then, I sat on a branch of a pine tree drinking by myself. I saw Yang Lianting practicing his martial arts beside the cliff’s edge. He was so clumsy, watching his rough and random moves I could see at a glance that he had poor roots and bones. Even if he practiced strenuously for a lifetime, he would be mediocre at best. But he was very diligent.
I sat in the tree drinking day after day, while he practiced his qigong day after day. When he arrived a little late, I guessed that the steward in charge might have given this small handyman too much work. Despite wasting my time like this, I still found him quite interesting and always quietly waited for him.
I could see his ambition.
Sometimes, he talked to himself. He said that he would surely stand out among the congregation one day. Once he reached new heights, the first thing he would do was butcher that one steward who regarded everyone as beneath his notice. He also said that he would surely become a person above others, a person famous throughout the entire Wulin. Never to be bullied again.
He was greedy for money too. He loudly cursed and stomped his feet when the steward deducted his pay and he smiled smugly when his scheme against the steward succeeded.
I thought it was fun.
Perhaps, I thought it was fun because I was lonely, too lonely. Rarely did such a greedy and unscrupulous person, whose every ambition was written on his face, appear in front of me. Despite his average innate skill, his poor roots and bones, I thought that Yang Lianting was oddly novel. Even though he did not know I existed, I could still silently observe him.
He makes me feel quite strange.
Obviously, he was a money grubber but occasionally after he received his monthly salary, he gave the silver and rations he had saved up to the younger handymen. Each time, he looked like an elder brother when he patted the young boys on the shoulders as if he did not mind that he was giving away his own savings and not fallen leaves. Only after the handymen dispersed one by one, did he expose his distress and scold himself with a toothy grin.
I thought it was funny, but then I noticed his eyes that gazed into the distance clearly looked gentle and generous. I heard that he was an orphan, those young handymen he took care of were all orphans too. Indeed, on the cliff there were lots and lots of children like them. If they had good roots and bones, they would be chosen by the Hall Masters to be trained in martial arts as well as lectured in the cult’s teachings from childhood, but if they did not have such innate talent they could only do the roughest and hardest work on Blackwood Cliff. Their lives as lowly as dirt, to be trampled on by others. If he did not secretly take care of these children, they might not even survive this winter.
He truly is a contradictory person.
However, this kind of contradiction merely felt faintly novel. Step by step, I too trampled upon the one surnamed Ren until I climbed up to my current position. Once I finally sat on the cult master’s seat of the Sun Moon Holy Cult, my heart had become cold as ice.
Time passed, I saw him again after he had joined the Yellow Guard. I had always known that he looked quite handsome. That day I left the doors, our eyes met, and he then knelt on the ground respectfully and reverently along with the other guards. He wore the yellow guard uniform, looking healthy and cheerful. He had distinctive strong and angular features, and a darker complexion. Facing the bright sunlight, he truly looked very handsome.
I told him to raise his head and asked him what his name was.
“Cult Master, this Subordinate is called Yang Lianting.”
I stood before him and smiled, “Indeed, a good name.”
Hearing my reply, his pair of pitch-black eyes lit up. Unable to hold back his joy, feeling moved beyond words.
In truth, I had already known his name and I knew he wanted to approach me. It must have taken him a lot of hard work to rise up from a mere handyman to a yellow guard.
How could a wildly ambitious person like him stop here? He always awkwardly tried to please me. Honestly, he was not that clumsy and coarse. His feelings toward me are hard to describe. I could tell that Yang Lianting was afraid of me. Of course, atop Blackwood Cliff perhaps no one wasn’t afraid of me, but his fear of me seemed different from other people’s. I always felt like his eyes shone brightly when he looked at me. Everyone else feared my unstable mood, feared that I killed them simply because I did not like them, so the guards on duty outside my courtyard were all trembling and cowering in terror every day.
Unexpectedly, Yang Lianting did not.
I always thought that he appeared very happy to stand outside of my courtyard during his shift. He arrived earlier than the other guards and even his footsteps were lighter. Once he noticed me, he deferentially kowtowed, then lifted his head to look at me and call me ‘Cult Master.’
One winter day, heavy snow fell and chilling winds blew atop the cliff ceaselessly, yet he still stood outside frozen numb. Not moving away from my doors. I stood inside by the window and silently watched him for a long time. Eventually I ordered a maid to go over and tell him to take a rest, yet he just rubbed his frozen hands, firmly shook his head, and replied to the maid that he was fine. The night deepened and the snow continued to fall. Unable to suppress my worry, I appeared before him in person. Once he saw me, his expression turned blank in surprise. Stammering for a while, he could not say a word. I did not know if he felt nervous in front of me or if he was frozen solid from the cold. I patiently waited for him to stammer, yet his reply made me laugh out loud.
“Cult Master, aren’t you cold–”
“Hurry, hurry up! Go back inside, it’s so cold–”
Every winter, the yin cold affected my body. Night after night I felt chilled to the bone, the cold piercing into my flesh and heart like a sharp blade. In contrast, this kind of cool winter night was nothing to me. Seeing him shivering uncontrollably yet still care about me freezing from the cold, I had to laugh loudly. I guessed that he wanted to climb up and curry favor, so he said this simply to show his loyalty. I thought his words were ridiculously funny, so I wanted to give him a chance. I let him rest in one of my side chambers and had a maid send over a warm quilt and brazier.
From that day onwards, he could enter my chambers and wait upon me. He was still as nervous as before, but once I appeared before him I saw him kneel down, straighten his back, and smile brightly at me. Voice sounding loud and clear, filled with vigor.
“Greetings to the Cult Master.”
For a moment, I fell into a daze and thought that the ordinary yellow guard uniform was actually slightly good-looking.
I did not allow anyone to speak while eating. The meals made by the kitchen were all unpalatable and I rarely had any appetite due to my martial practice. The servants usually waited upon me tremblingly and did not speak an unnecessary word. I usually ate a few mouthfuls at random and then ordered them to withdraw. As if they were granted amnesty, they quickly tidied everything up and retreated at lightning speed.
Yang Lianting did not dare to speak at first either, but he did like to stare at me during my meals. Being stared at by him made me fidget and feel irritated. Unable to suppress my killing intent, I raised my hand but could not bear to strike. I then thought that he, a lowly handyman and guard, had never seen so many grand fish and meat dishes before. Seeing me waste such a sumptuous meal, he must have thought it was a pity.
Until one day, he brought a bowl of vegetable congee, a bowl of mushroom soup, and a few smaller side dishes. Each dish was very light and refreshing, neatly prepared. He mentioned that he had made them by himself and wanted me to have a taste. I never ate any food of unknown origin due to my suspicious nature, so I only glanced at him and walked onward. But when I was about to leave, I noticed that he looked slightly disappointed out of the corner of my eye. Not knowing why, I ended up sitting down at the table. It was said that a gentleman should stay far away from the kitchen, but his cooking was unexpectedly not too bad. Once I ate the food he made, he looked glad. Standing still, he rubbed the back of his head and smiled brightly. Noticing that I looked over, he thought that he had transgressed. Instantly, he adjusted his expression, and groveled on the floor asking for forgiveness. The food he made suited my appetite.
Later, I found out that he could brew wine as well. The wine he prepared tasted not too bad. It smelled fragrant from afar and it tasted even more refreshing once it burnt down my throat. Like a fireball, from the pit of my stomach it burnt through my chest and made my whole body sweat. I truly liked to drink his heated wine to my heart’s content.
I realized that he surprised me pleasantly more and more. As time passed, I no longer had those timid cooks prepare my meals, no longer had other servants wait upon me when I ate, and I only drank the wine he brewed.
I felt happy when I heard him call me ‘Cult Master.’
Day by day, I felt an unspeakably complex panic rise in my heart. I began to watch him for longer and my line of sight lingered on his body more and more. I liked him keeping night vigil before my doors and I liked him handling the tasks I gave him. My appetite increased because I liked him picking out food for me. I liked him calling me ‘Cult Master.’
I truly liked him smiling at me.
I felt that if time went on like this, everything would move in a direction beyond my control. One evening, I decided to see my seven concubines, who I kept before my self-castration. Since cultivating the Sunflower Manual, I had never graced the Seven Ladies again because those women, with countenances like flowers and faces like the moon,[14] with beauty that could ruin the country, felt like thorns pricking my heart. At all times, they reminded me of my current appearance.
I was an incomplete monster.
However.
Day by day, Yang Lianting became more important to me.
Unable to endure such complex feelings, I headed to the rear courtyard.