CH 9

Chapter 9: Insane Loneliness

When I entered the house, my mother greeted me with a bright smile. It seemed that she watched the whole scene when Tobias took me to the front of the house through the window.

But I couldn’t respond to the hospitality at all. The reason he took me home was far from my mother’s wish. That’s not a good way either.

I didn’t want to ruin my mother’s joy, but I couldn’t help it. After contemplating for a long time, confessed about an unknown man who was standing behind me.

“Mel, are you now…”

“Are you saying that the suspicious person has appeared again…?”

My mother’s hands trembled as she embroidered my dress. Mrs. Kerney, who was sitting next to her, folded the clothes and raised her head with an astonished look.

“I’m not sure yet.”

“Did something happen to you……”

“When Tobias came, he was already gone.”

I spoke in a tone that was as calm as possible.

Literally not certain at all.

Not yet.

“What I want to ask you two is…… Did Mr. Greg talk about his hair before?”

“… Long hair. I heard it’s so messy that it covered his face.”

“Color, Mom. Didn’t you hear what color it was?”

“Let’s see… so…”

My mother’s gaze headed into space as if she couldn’t remember it well. Her dark amber eyes were shaking with anxiety.

“Red.”

At that time, Mrs. Kearney suddenly opened her mouth.

“He definitely said red, Melissa.”

“Ah…”

I had no desire to cause concern to my precious women. But my will was too weak. Because collapsed helplessly at the shock flooding like a tsunami.

“Melissa!”

Mom, what should I do…

The stalker hasn’t done any harm to me yet. The fact that he was hovering around me was not even noticed by me, the person involved.

Nevertheless, the reason why fear outweighs the thought of relief was that the intention of the red haired man was unclear.

There can be no one in the world who keeps following someone for no reason. Other than that, he must obviously have something like an ulterior-motive Even if it’s something that can’t be understood.

There was nothing to point out at all, but I couldn’t help but know that what he wanted from me was not money.

After all, this is Florin. The capital of the Kingdom, where countless nobles, gentries(1), and wealthy businessmen walk on the boulevard in splendid outfits.

The ‘Me’ between them looks shabby even at first glance. So, that red-haired man cannot be an ordinary thief. No matter how clumsy of a thief he is, he won’t target me.

If so, it means that he approached me hoping for something other than money and valuables.

Needless to say, this was a bigger problem. This is because the things that can be targeted instead of money and valuables are full of terrible things. I don’t want to list them all. No, I don’t even want to think about them.

….. This is why I was trapped in the house once again. That’s why I’m daydreaming in front of the desk with my chin held up blankly.

I couldn’t meet Tobias due to my restarting life, but I couldn’t see him for a while anyway. This is because the academy he attends has already entered the exam period.

Thinking about it that way, it somehow comforted me.

“… I’m bored.”

I don’t even know when I started being a person who gets bored while staying in the house. I blankly fiddled with my nails and let out a long yawn. It was a lazy afternoon.

I was slowly getting tired of reading books that I had saved enough to take out and read when I was about to forget. I’ve read them enough to be able to point out the page numbers and paragraphs in which my favourite phrases are in.

Well, it’s natural to be bored because there are no new books. Was the last time I bought a book half a year ago?

Of course, I recently bought a book of poetry, but rarely got my hands on it after reading the last chapter at the coffee shop. Even though I only looked through it once.

The reason is that I’m not the type of person who enjoys reading poetry.

….. What a lie to say. Of course, this is because the collection of poems reminds me of Alan.

It is so obvious even if I try to pretend it’s not. Alan Leopold will be the only one in the world who can save me the price of a hat and make me get married,

It seemed like a fate that I had to buy a love poetry book because I didn’t have enough money, and that bumped into Alan as soon as I bought it. It was exquisite like fate, so I secretly had a dreamy expectation. Although it was only a fleeting coincidence.

Suddenly, I reached out to the bookshelf and took out the collection of poems. I didn’t mean to open it. I just swept slowly through the soft leather cover.

Only then did I notice the title of the poetry book.

…… Yes, that’s the title.

Now that I think about it, my crush on Alan is like a long journey over the years. It’s like I dedicated all my adolescence to him. I always thought of him as opened my eyes in the morning and closed my eyes at night like a lovesick person.

My quiet and unstable adolescence was fully centred over him. I barely reached my coming of age like that. So, for me, Alan is not something that I can easily shake off.

Even now, my aching feelings for him have not changed. Even after receiving a cynical and scornful glance from him. Seriously, I think there’s no other fool like me.

How long will it take for this past unrequited love to become a thing in the past, just like the title of the poem? How many years would it be? Just like the time I’ve loved him.

No, maybe it will take more than double the time. At that time, I had the sharpest and most precarious feelings in my life, and now I’m much duller than back then.

……I have no choice but to endure it.”

I muttered helplessly. Somehow I felt stuffy.

This feeling, of course, probably didn’t come from a chipmunk life. I’m a little bored now, but I’m infinitely calm.

While putting the poetry back in, I noticed a book was stuck on the edge of the shelf. It was at the end of the bookshelf where I couldn’t reach even if I stretched my arms while sitting. Unless I put it there on purpose…….

“……Ah.”

It was only then that I remembered. The shameful feelings that I put in there.

There was an appreciation letter of Alan dedicated to him in that book. I was afraid to throw them away, let alone look at them again, even though I wrote them myself.

But what kind of wind is blowing? Before I knew it, stood up and reached for the book.

It was an old classic novel. The reason why this book became a place to hide my clumsy emotions was simple. Because the cover is pretty. So this book was always on the desk like a decoration, and there was

no other option when Mrs. Kearney suddenly came at that time.

The line art embroidered with gold thread on the bright red cloth cover was the image of a crying woman. I really liked it because it was so depressing that it fits the atmosphere of the book.

This book is the thickest novel I have. Perhaps that’s why it took me a year to read all of it. Of course, the content is so heavy that it is also because I read it from time to time.

It’s a pity that I couldn’t dare to read it again and turned it into a decorative thing.

As I randomly lifted the book, the middle of the book opened wide with the smell of old paper, revealing a half-folded piece of paper and an envelope.

“…..It’s not just some bookmark.”

I muttered blankly. I couldn’t open the letter because it was already sealed, but it was rather fortunate.

Because I had no confidence to face the feelings of love again, which I had written down with trembling hands.

I’m such a coward.

Suddenly a laugh came out. In the first place, I was so pathetic that I wrote a letter without having the courage to convey it.

It’s a letter that I’ve never even taken out of the room after spending quite a while to seal it beautifully with wax. How can I not be self-deprecating?

My hand suddenly headed straight to the folded paper. It wasn’t a long time ago that I wrote this, but for some reason, I was afraid to open it.

No, rather than being afraid, I felt uncomfortable somewhere. To be exact, I felt like I had committed a crime. Why? Because of Tobias? What the hell is he and I in a relationship?

I’m just a clever girl with a rustic shell. Watching and enjoying with passion and blurred eyes, and comforting myself with it. I’m a deceptive person who pretends not to know the true feelings because I am afraid to move on.

If you ask why, the answer is simple. Because if showed everything, anyone would be disappointed and turn around. Because I don’t have more than they thought and I’m not as attractive as they thought.

When he leaves, there will be no one left in this world, who will love me from the opposite sex, and I do not want that sudden vacancy. Tjust want to taste the sweet love like sugar for a long time with little effort like now.

“…Ha.”

…I thought I would really hate this, so I hurriedly shook my head.

No one else can love me as much as he does.

Forever. If he doesn’t stay by my side, eventually everything in life loses its meaning.

So, before I hate myself even more, I have to face my ignorance.

I took a deep breath for no reason and spread out a thin sheet of paper folded in half. Intentionally making a fluttering sound and letting out a loud noise.

It was only five sentences. Even the last sentence was as short as writing.

Hair that resembles the distant universe

and eyes like the dark dawn sky.

However, as soon as I saw the first sentence, one side, of my heart already ached. This is how the desperate five-line appreciation ended.

Someone like a flower blooming

under the shade.

“Like a flower blooming under the shade…….”

… Alan. My Alan Leopold, who I loved for nearly half of my life. I love him so much. Even when he didn’t even know my existence, even after facing the cold eyes which looked down at me.

I crossed my arms and tightly hugged my neck. If I do this when I’m lonely, I’ll feel a little better.

But now that I don’t listen to it at all, I am in trouble. Just thinking of him made me feel insanely lonely, and at the same time, my heart was overwhelmed like crazy. It was difficult to express, but to explain it in an old fashioned way, I felt like I needed a breakaway.

Should I give this letter to Alan? I can’t show him this heart.

Even if he coldly ignores, tears my letter, or even tramples on it and leaves without opening it, if I don’t even do that…….

“Toby..”

Can Tobias Miller, with his gentle affection, save me?! desperately wanted to believe that it would be.

No, I had to.

[1] Gentry are “well-born, genteel and well-bred people” of high social class, especially in the past.

Comments from Korean readers:

The writing is smooth and easy to read! Your writing skills are so good

Wait, is the red-haired woman with Alan the stalker?

A novel that goes well with the word beautiful….

It’s been a while since I saw good writing. I’m happy.

That’s right. The writing is really pretty.