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Things That Changed
“…Really…?”
“…We’re not dating.”
“B-But…”
We were having this conversation with Natsukawa right next to us. I really wish Haru would stop questioning that fact, but everything important to me was scattered on the ground, so this situation was already beyond any fixing. Lying won’t do anybody any good, so I just answered Haru’s questions with honesty, and a bit of resignation mixed inside of it.
She kept looking between me and Natsukawa, still unable to fully accept it. What a nostalgic face, alright. It’s like she’s visibly taking her time to process everything. Not to mention her ‘But, you are walking home together?’ face. Yeah, if a boy and girl walk home together in high school, you would assume that they are dating. That being said, I’d love for her to consider everything in this situation.
“W-Well…um…Ah…” Natsukawa awkwardly opened her mouth.
However, that kindness of hers was simply in the way right now. She tried to figure out what to say, but when our eyes met amidst her hesitation, she took a step back, and closed her mouth again. It seems like I am not having a normal facial expression right now. Unlike Haru’s action that gave me this sense of loss, Natsukawa’s reaction helped much more in calming me down, making my blood feel like it’s frozen. Once that blood reached my head, it melted my cold blood to create this fury inside of me. Is this what it feels like to have steam rising from your head?
The fury didn’t mix with the feeling of loss assaulting me, and it instead felt like I had a hole in my head. I couldn’t even find the right words to explain this cold feeling I had, nor did I know how to stop it.
“—We’re not like that anymore.”
“Ah…”
“Eh? What do you mean?”
This isn’t just my personal knowledge, Natsukawa should also be aware of this. That being said, I still hesitated to say these words, as they held no delicacy whatsoever. Now that I’ve said them, our relationship will change. I should have known that, so why did I say these words in front of Natsukawa? It’s because this was the right time to do so.
“We’re friends, just friends. Not the kind of relationship you think we have.”
Maybe stating that fact so aggressively wasn’t my brightest. But, Haru’s been an old friend who’s been supporting me, so staying quiet about it might just make it seem like I’m still trying to change something about that. It’d only spell trouble if she found me thinking that I still had feelings for Natsukawa.
“Well, it makes sense that you’d get the wrong idea. You knew me in middle school after all.”
“Um…well, sorry.”
“No…it’s fine.”
Behind my kind words, I gave her a strong gaze. We were never that close where I would have to be considerate of her. That’s just like my current relationship with Ashida. With my eyes and facial expression, I visibly told her ‘Leave’.
“T-Then…”
“Yeah…later.”
Haru walked past me with an expression showing that she knew of her mistake. Quickly, those footsteps grew more distant. Finally, after they had completely vanished, I let out a faint sigh that Natsukawa hopefully couldn’t pick up. I couldn’t even muster up the energy to look at Natsukawa, and how she was taking this entire situation. For a while, I could only look ahead of me.
*
“……”
“……”
The sun started to set. The orange color filled the scenery in front of me, even if I didn’t want it to. Also, it’s a bit too late to still bite down on this pain I’m feeling. When was the last time I got rejected by Natsukawa…Come on now. At least, I hope Haru is making a good new song out of this entire episode. Since I gave up on all sorts of things, I didn’t even bother mustering up the courage I would usually need, and simply turned towards Natsukawa, whose eyes were filled with confusion and bewilderment.
“Well…sorry, Natsukawa. Haru went and made everything messy…”
“Ah, no…”
“Then…let’s go.”
“…Yeah.”
‘Time always passes faster when you’re having fun’. ‘Time feels like it’s slowing down when you’re not having fun’. Almost as if we actively denied those conclusions from some whatsit theory, this awkward silence between us only lasted for a moment. Only my loving heart that I can’t crush still made time feel like it accelerated. Immediately up ahead was the crossing for us to part.
“Then…I have to go this way. See you tomorrow.” I faced Natsukawa, and gave her these final words.
I couldn’t come up with any clever comment to brighten up the mood. Please, just quickly give me a response. Or even a nod will do. I just want a reason that will let me walk away from here. Even though I still have feelings for her, I want to run away. These kinds of wicked and contrary thoughts filled my head, stabbing me right where it hurt to the point I started to hate myself. Unable to bear it, I started to turn my body without waiting for Natsukawa’s response.
“Ah…H-Hey!”
“!”
My leg that was about to move ahead stopped instantaneously. Even as I politely waited for her again, I couldn’t stop my racing heart. Eh…she stopped me? Why? What is there for us to talk about amidst this awkward atmosphere? Yet again, Natsukawa felt like a different existence. At the very least, I don’t have any card that would help me here. Neither could I come up with any beneficial response, so I just turned around, and returned a question.
“W-What’s wrong…?”
“Ah, um…”
Our eyes met, to which Natsukawa fidgeted awkwardly, and looked up at me.
“W-Well…that Haru-san just now…”
“…What about her?”
“Um…”
When I threw another question at her, Natsukawa lost her words. The hand she had raised, she lowered without any expression to go along. Only her eyes were shaking.
“…It’s nothing.”
“…Alright.”
Maybe she was just trying to be considerate of me? That’s when I realized. What if…I’m the only one who felt ‘awkward’ at this whole thing? Thinking about it rationally, that would make sense. Natsukawa already rejected me, and I was rejected by her over and over. Those feelings only existed in one direction, so Natsukawa wouldn’t feel awkward just because of my feelings for her. Maybe Haru’s words just aggravated me so much because they hit exactly where they hurt…Yeah, I can’t anymore. I just want to go home.
“Anyway—”
“W-Wait…”
Why? Why are you still not letting me go? I looked at the sleeve Natsukawa was holding onto and the girl herself, asking her with my gaze. Natsukawa and I are friends. She previously rejected me, but if she wants to, I’m more than fine just interacting with her normally. There was a time when I lost sight of my surroundings, but I still managed to get my feelings across. That’s why I want to savor and enjoy this distance that Natsukawa prepared for me.
…But, what about Natsukawa? She’s not fully pushing me away, keeping me close for such a vague and unclear relationship. Is that her kindness? These kinds of actions don’t come from any personal feelings, right? If so, then a simple ‘Bye’ here would be perfect. We can just act normal tomorrow once we meet at school. The more we look at each other like this, the harder it will be to just stay friends, you know?
Even so, she faintly, weakly held onto my sleeve. It was plenty enough to stop me from moving. The moment I had fallen for Natsukawa, I would never be able to push her away. My feelings haven’t disappeared, I merely gave up my hope of them ever coming into realization.
“W-Wataru…do you still…”
“……”
“…Sorry, it’s nothing.”
“………”
When she let go of my sleeve, I came back to my senses, and realized that Natsukawa was staring at me. It felt like she was trying to see past my expression, figuring out my feelings. Maybe the reason Natsukawa grew silent was because of me all along? She wasn’t glaring at me, right…This time around, I could tell how awkward Natsukawa must have felt.
It wasn’t simply because of having me around, but rather because she was ‘afraid’ of not wanting to anger or disappoint me. Maybe because I stopped her words, I bound her down to this place? ……What am I doing? I said I was aware of my own circumstances and understood this reality, and yet I was spoiled by this situation, even invited to her home, only to now scare her. I’m sure that, for a while now, I was feeling a desire for Natsukawa, which is why she’s now looking this way.
“—You seem to be tired, so let’s leave it at this for today. Just standing around won’t do either of us any good.”
“…Eh?”
“Airi-chan must be waiting for you as well.”
“Ah, yeah…”
“…See you tomorrow.”
As if I wanted to run away, I left the place behind me. No more voice came from Natsukawa to stop me, and no hand grabbed my arm either. The more I moved my legs, the more the regret running rampant inside my chest started to calm down. With all these ups and downs of my emotions, I felt the delusion that I had grown several years older.
“……”
Since when was I trying to take my distance from Natsukawa? Back then, Ashida gave me an earful. She said that, to Natsukawa, I am another place she belongs to, a place she can feel safe at, but— Is that still the case? More and more people, good or bad, noisy or quiet, they all started gathering around Natsukawa. Because I, the bad influence disappeared, good folks approached Natsukawa. Not to mention one guy who’s actually a good fit for her. Isn’t this good enough? This would be the perfect timing for Natsukawa to be able to be herself, and the perfect timing for me to give up on these complicated feelings of mine.
—No. That’s not it. I don’t have to do anything. With Sasaki as the starting point, Natsukawa has begun to change. Even without me meddling, more and more people gather around her, and she gains more places she belongs to. With all of them not wanting her to feel alone, she has no more connection to me anymore.
“—Ahh…”
Just what do I have to do so that I can fall in love with someone other than Natsukawa?
*
“…Did something happen?”
“Huh…?”
“Huh…?”
I heard a jarring voice. I glared up in front of me with a ‘Don’t you dare talk to me right now’, only to find a sharp glare pointed back at me like I looked at myself in the mirror.
“…Can you guys not blow a fuse after a mere second of conversation?”
Because of Dad’s rebuttal, I was pulled back to reality, and took in the scenery in front of me. It seems like I was currently having dinner. I don’t have any memories before this. I guess I was just subconsciously following my daily routine.
“No, I just blurted that out.”
“Nasty. I subconsciously tried to overpower you.”
“Why would you do something like that on reflex…?”
Weird, I can almost see how Big Sis and Shinomiya-senpai can get along. They both hold something straight out of a fantasy. Even right now, Big Sis was raring to go after hearing my words. How is that even a thing…Are you out on training trips while keeping it a secret from your family?
“So, what happened?”
“No, nothing.”
“Nah, you’re clearly different from when you helped at the student council a few hours ago.”
“……”
Weird, why is Big Sis so curious about me…Was she always the type to do that? Well, I guess I have less energy than back in the student council office. Naturally, the reason for that was as clear as day, and I’m not clever enough to hide that.
“Well, I was thinking about some stuff.”
“Huh.”
‘Huh’, really? So you’re not interested after all? At least keep up the conversation so that I can tell Natsukawa about this. We’re no siblings at all. That’s only annoying me more now. I’m not gonna tell her after all.
“……”
“……”
…She actually doesn’t care? I can feel faint glances from time to time, but can you stop with this weird atmosphere, you’re being a bother right now. Right, Dad—Dad? This guy…He wants to remain a spectator!? Hey, don’t you dare avert your eyes! You’re always like this when Big Sis and I are fighting! Will you actually break between the two of us for once!? Alright, fine by me. Don’t underestimate the gluttony of a high school student. I’ll eat up all of this, and retire from the frontlines. Good luck winning against your age, old man…!
“Aight, thanks for the food.”
“Huh?”
“Aight?”
I gulped down the last of the miso soup and prepared to get up, when Big Sis let out a sound that made her sound like a yankee at best. Is this some kind of blackmail? She thinks that she can’t threaten me without using strong words? How violent can you be. For now, I looked down at the plate in front of me, confirming if she had something left to eat. As expected, the middle was empty. Carrots, bell peppers, Chinese cabbage. I remember how she fed me this stuff forcefully a long time ago. I can’t deal with this…
“You don’t want seconds?”
“What?”
She made it sound like I always asked for seconds. Hearing something so self-explanatory, I was baffled. Oh yeah, I actually still feel a bit hungry…Thinking about it, I would often space out during dinner like this.
“We still have some miso soup and rice.”
“Actually, I’m on a diet right now.”
“Huh?”
“Eeeek!”
You don’t have to get so pissed…It seems like my high school girl tone didn’t sit right with her. I guess bringing up body weight and figure is a bad touch with Big Sis. She’s been gaining some since she’s just sitting on her chair as the examinee she is. She tends to get angry at the scale in the bath a lot.
“No, I’m just full.”
“………”
I planned a quiet escape. I put the empty glass in the rice bowl, and put the chopsticks on the empty—What?
“……”
“Big Sis.”
“……”
On the plate I just wanted to put away, I found two slices of pork cutlet. Even though I should have finished my food, it was on my plate.
“I ate steamed buns before, so you can take these.”
“Then, Dad can…”
“He can’t take much oiled food anymore at his age.”
“……”
Daddddd…! Why are you losing against your own daughter! Stop watching TV! Dad actually loves pork cutlet, even if it’s bad for him!
“You can’t eat that alone, right? Have some rice.”
“……”
At the very least, I understand that she is intent on not letting me go. But, why? Is she that desperate to hear out my problems? Quite admirable, really. I bet there’s no good will behind it either, and she just can’t stand the fact that I’m keeping secrets from her. As I was thinking that, I put some rice into my bowl. The fact that I was still hungry meant that I lost this contest. I need to reflect on my mistake.
“So…?”
“After all that?”
“So?”
“………”
I guess this is what it means to grow. Before, she’d simply say ‘Tell me already’, while giving me a kick. I’m surprised I wasn’t kicked already. I guess she managed to gain another option besides violence. How kind she is. Oh wait, that’s common sense. What should I do now? I really don’t want to tell Big Sis about what happened, I’d rather die. Then again, there’s no reason to even speak the truth. Maybe I should make up something else, and have her teach me sure-fire ways to win in a fight? Either that, or come up with an explanation that will make it hard to tell her.
“Well, nothing good will come of me saying it here.”
“Huh? What’s up with that? Are you talking about school? I’m the student council vice president, you know?”
“I mean, rather than school…Hm?”
…Hold on a second. Big Sis…Big Sis, huh. Maybe I should use this explanation as a chance to give her a complaint of mine. Because she can’t act like an actual older sister, I never really get to dive into a siblings talk with Natsukawa. Recently, she’s calmed down a lot, so maybe she’ll repent on her actions and attitude now.
“Y-You know…I just couldn’t follow the conversation at school.”
“Huh? What the hell…You’re wasting your energy with that. Can’t do anything about your communication disorder.”
“How rude. It’s not that you’re entirely unrelated, you know, Big Sis. This is siblings talk after all.”
“Huh? Siblings talk…?”
“That’s right. Talk about our positions inside the family, how you act towards your younger brother, how you act towards your younger sister, reaching a peaceful dinner and all that. You get why I couldn’t join in, right?”
Not like I could just say ‘Please be more gentle to me’ this late into the game. Even if she did, I wouldn’t know how to react. I think we passed the time where violence is the answer for everything. Right now would be a good way to cut it. Although everything until now really doesn’t count as a joke. I can’t tell that story at a party to brighten up the mood.
“……”
Now’s the time. I’ll eat up the rest on my plate while Big Sis has gotten silent. I used the tea to wash down the meat in my mouth.
“…Thanks for the food. I’ll go back to my room now.” I used the excuse, and escaped from Big Sis, who narrowed her eyes in confusion.
From Dad, who was a slow-eater, I got a ‘Y-You’re going to leave me here?’ gaze from him. Why not spend some time together with your daughter, huh? I gave him a smile in order to convey that, and regarded this as a mission complete.
*
“…Hm?”
I heard the sound of someone knocking on the door. I faintly opened my eyelids, and observed my surroundings, realizing that I had fallen asleep while playing a game. I guess the satisfaction allowed for a gentle slumber. I rubbed my eyes while standing up, and caught on to this irregularity. A…knock…? Who would knock on my door when visiting my room? Mom would just open the door while calling out my name, Dad doesn’t bother me, and Big Sis isn’t interested in anything that isn’t happening right in front of me. That’s why I had regarded my room as a safe space, and yet…
“Who is it?”
“Me.” I heard Big Sis’ voice.
Eh, why? Why would she come to visit me? She’s breaking my logic that I had built up over countless years. What, this actually isn’t my evacuation shelter? It was just a normal room? Oh lord…
“Eh, what, scary. Scary scary scary.”
“H-Huh? I’m not scary—Hey, open up!”
I was terrified to the point I subconsciously held the door close, when the doorknob turned. Following that, together with Big Sis’ flustered voice, she stopped trying to forcefully open the door. What a rare sight. If this was Big Sis from a few years ago, she’d kick it open no doubt.
If she’s not going to be violent…then I guess I can open the door. When I looked outside the room, while shaking in terror, I was greeted by Big Sis giving me a bothered expression. What is this…I’m the one who’s bothered.
“I’m coming in.”
“Wah, Big Sis…”
As I blocked the path, Big Sis just shoved me to the side. She looked around for a moment, and then sat down on my bed. Ehhh…what was that about? Right after she finishes her bath, she barges into my room and sits on my bed? What kind of scenery is this? If I sent a picture of this to Yuuki-senpai, he might just level up his lunch for me. No idea what business you have, but can you just buzz off…Hey, don’t look around inside my room.
“…What’s with this tatami chair?”
“I-I’m not letting you steal that no matter what…!”
“I ain’t going to, okay.”
Big Sis attention moved towards the gaming tatami chair I made myself. This is one of my prized possessions. It’s basically built as a mini sofa. I can’t have Big Sis steal that. When I picked it up and tightly embraced it, Big Sis showed a bewildered face, and sat down again. No, could you just leave?
“…What do you want?”
“…Aren’t you energetic right now?”
“This is my room after all.”
Am I not allowed to be protective of my personal space? With disbelief and anger, I looked down at Big Sis. I stayed resilient even despite her provocative gaze, to which she showed an awkward expression, and averted her eyes first.
“What…?”
“Annoying.”
“Don’t kick me.”
I guess she didn’t like me asking her, because she aimed at my calf with her kick. Through my many years of existence, I managed to avoid it. She clicked her tongue, and averted her face again.
“…So, what was that for? If you need something from me, you’d just send me a message, right?”
“No, well, that’s…just now…”
“Just now…?”
“Your talk about siblings at school.”
“Ah, that?”
She’s on about those fake worries I just made up at dinner. Honestly speaking, this late into the game, I don’t really care about my relationship with Big Sis. I just feel like changing with Natsukawa would be much better. Though I didn’t expect she would actually take that seriously.
“Do you always talk about this sort of stuff at school?”
“Nah, not really. Just happened to be the topic.”
“But, you realized that we’re different from other families.”
“……?”
Eh, is she actually bothered by this? You’re kidding, right? Are you telling me that Big Sis, always living with a ‘We have our rules, they have theirs’ mentality, is actually concerned about her appearance to others? If she was, then she wouldn’t have dressed up like a blonde gal before.
“…Well, we’re pretty different, I guess. Put bluntly, we’re not even that close.”
“Huh? Even though we’re talking right now?”
“…I guess you wouldn’t understand, Big Sis.”
“……”
Leaving aside the fact that I was lying about my worries, the fact that we aren’t a normal brother and sister is the truth. The Natsukawa sisters don’t fight, and if you leave aside Yuki-chan’s obvious obsession for her brother Sasaki, they’re normal as well. I feel like the Ichinose siblings are probably the closest despite their age. The common point between them is that they don’t fight.
“Eh, you’re actually bothered by that? Really?”
“Huh? No, not really…”
“Then what is it?”
“That’s…”
Big Sis for some reason seemed oddly hesitant to come clean. Seeing that kind of reaction, I can’t help but get my hopes up. If she’d just say ‘I’m sorry for everything until now’, I might just let things be done and washed away.
“…Listen.”
“Yeah…?”
“Are…we actually on bad terms?”
“Eh…you’re asking that now? Well, besides recently, we’ve clearly been on bad terms.”
“Besides recently…? So we’re on good terms as of late?”
“I mean, if we were, we wouldn’t be discussing this kind of stuff. But, we’re talking normally like this, so even if we don’t get along, we’re still ‘normal siblings’, right?”
“So, what about us being on bad terms?”
“A normal older sister wouldn’t beat up her younger brother. Of course we’re on bad terms.”
“……”
Did I pull that off? A-Ahhh, it feels so good…! To think the day would come where I could corner Big Sis like this. Reflect on it, reflect on it!
“I see…So?”
“Hm? What do you mean?”
“What’s it like at other people’s homes…Not like this?”
“Huh?” I looked at Big Sis in disbelief.
I must have had one hell of an expression, because Big Sis flinched, and averted her gaze, putting her hands behind her. Hey now, don’t touch my bed like that.
“At the very least, there wouldn’t be such a heavy atmosphere like we’re having right now. We’d probably smile more as we talk.”
“…Heavy?”
“You don’t get it? Not even after looking at my face?”
Rather, if our exchange so far seemed normal and peaceful to her, I think she should get checked out at the nearest hospital. If we actually found such a difference in our values after being siblings for 15 years, I think it’s already far too late to do anything. If anything, I’m shocked she sees herself as an actual older sister despite how she’s been treating me.
“In the end, siblings like us eventually grasp their relationship and power balance after years of staying together. That’s why you end up forgiving the other, even if they’re being a bit naughty. Why’s there any need to go on about that kind of stuff this late.” I argued.
“……”
I doubt it’s that common for siblings in middle school to be awfully close, but you would at least come to a mutual understanding. I’m mostly aware of Big Sis’ personality and her patterns of action, but I can’t say for certain that the same is the case for Big Sis. She’s more like a queen only caring about herself.
“So…what were those guys doing then?”
“Eh?”
“What…have they been doing towards their siblings?”
I felt like I heard a faint bit of hostility in her words. Looking over, she seemed displeased, as she looked down at her knees. It was an odd scene. Either way, I have a really bad feeling about this. Emergency, emergency. I have to carefully choose my words from now on. Although she’s been a lot more tame lately, she could break out in a fit, throwing fists.
“So far…Um…well…”
“……”
What did they do so far…I don’t know what other siblings are like. What kind of exchanges do they have? The Sasaki older sister and younger brother are fairly close in age, but their mental age is completely different, so they’re not a good reference. Though, I doubt they are excessively close. Is there even a difference depending on who is older and younger in terms of sex…?
‘—W-What about…cleaning your ears…?’
…Ah.
“Ear cleaning maybe?”
“Huh?”
“Huh?”
What am I saying? I myself felt bewildered at my words. Big Sis doing that? Impossible. What if she suddenly feels like doing that…Big Sis is clearly off today…No, there’s no way, right…
“…They do that?”
“Well, they did that before, at least.”
They clearly don’t. What is with that question? Though, I feel like there was a different nuance in that ear cleaning. They’re not doing anything weird, okay. I mean, the only sample I have are the Natsukawa sisters.
“…Well, I did that for Big Sis before, I guess.”
“H-Huh!? When!?”
“A few years back when you still had blonde hair. You brought an ear pick with you, and had me clean your—”
“I-I don’t remember that! Not at all!”
“Wah, hey…Don’t throw my pillow at me!”
She seemed to be panicking about something, as she grabbed my own pillow to hurl it directly at my face. What are you doing to my partner…Also, are you treating that as your dark past now? I felt conflicted back then myself, okay. Namely, terrified and fearing for my life.
“…Wouldn’t it be the opposite normally?” Big Sis spoke up.
“You only realize that now?”
Ahh, it’s been so long, really…Big Sis, you’ve grown up so much.
“Also, all the orders I had to obey until now…Aren’t I actually more of an older brother?”
“Huh? Don’t get all self-important now.”
“Then why don’t you do something that an older sister would do?”
“Urk…!”
Provoked, Big Sis glared at me with an expression of disdain. H-Hey now, can you stop holding down your right hand with your left like you can barely hold yourself from punching me? Terrifying. Do you have the power of the demon lord sealed inside there?
“…Enough.”
“Eh?”
“Enough with this.”
“Gohu!?”
When I returned a question a soft but heavy impact slammed right into my face. THIS IS PILLOW. Maybe my pillow is the biggest victim today. How can you throw that so accurately despite throwing a fit?
By the time the pillow dropped to the ground to give me back my vision, Big Sis had already disappeared from my sight. Is she some close-combat professional…What kind of teleportation power was that? Won’t you teach your younger brother a bit?