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Why
“All documents…are done!!”
“All right!!”
Followed by vice committee president Kimura-senpai’s scream of joy, all the other seniors joined in and raised their hands into the air. If they still had documents in front of them, they would have been scattered all around the room by now. Committee president Hasegawa-senpai was even crying. Thinking about it, she’s been working this entire time without any rest. Because I’ve watched that all this time, I can’t help but get emotional seeing her cry in joy like that. Half of me was still filled with doubts, unable to believe that there really wasn’t anything else to do. However, seeing all of the committee members scream in joy finally made it set in.
“We did it, Natsukawa!”
“Yep…!”
Sasaki-kun raised one hand, and showed me his palm. He seemed to be really happy, as his usual diligent attitude was gone, replaced by a more innocent joyful smile. I could see Inoue-senpai and Ogawa-senpai putting their hands together with bright smiles, which made me happy as well. I responded to Sasaki-kun’s request and shared a high-five.
Following that, I looked around me. There were some scary times throughout, but now everybody part of the committee was present. Ever since we changed the workflow and procedures, we committee members became a lot more positive and willing to work. Especially the third-years, as this would be their final culture festival. They just didn’t have any reason not to work hard.
“…Ah, Wata…ru…?”
I observed my surroundings, spotting Ishiguro-senpai and Wataru in the back of the classroom, almost like they didn’t want to stand out. I thought they’d be happy like the rest of us, but they just walked out of the classroom with their laptops beneath their arms. They did seem relieved at least, but…
—There’s still something else. I remember Wataru’s serious expression from back when he was helping with the visit of the middle school students during our summer break. With this incident, I realized that there’s a ‘work mode’ inside of Wataru, which became especially visible over the past few weeks here. Although it was the work of everybody involved, I’m sure that Wataru was the one who pulled us first-years along. He called himself a temporary assistant of the student council, but in reality, he isn’t part of either the student council or the culture festival executive committee.
I looked at the third-years again. They all had a reason. Even if the end was nowhere to be seen, they never had any choice of just abandoning their work. The same goes for a part of the second-years. They were filled with strong emotions and desires to not let this culture festival fall into ruin. But then…what about me? Of course, I felt the responsibility that I was given. I didn’t want to throw aside the work that was entrusted to me. Even back in middle school, when my family was going through all that trouble, I learned that as long as I keep working on the problem in front of me, everything will be resolved eventually. Or that’s what I should have learned at least, but…
I was worried. We had upperclassmen who threw away their work. In other words, we first-years had the perfect excuse to leave as well. I don’t think President Hasegawa or the other seniors would have complained. The reason I could still continue my work and stand strong is that I wasn’t alone. Unlike back then , I had people with me who stood in the same position, going through the same trouble as me. Because of that, I managed to tag along.
Why—is he working so much, trying to pull us along? At first, I thought it was for the sake of his older sister. When the culture festival executive committee’s in trouble, so is the student council. If the students are in trouble, they usually offer a helping hand, but when it comes to the school and management, the student council is forced to carry most of that, questioned why they didn’t realize this sooner, and ultimately scolded. In order to save his older sister from ending up that way, he’s acting as a temporary assistant of the student council, sliding in here to support us from the shadows—or so I thought.
‘Nah, that ain’t it. I’m not doing this for the sake of the student council, or you.’
That’s what Wataru said. But then…why? Knowing Wataru, I don’t think he would be volunteering to take care of the committee. Yet, he became an assistant to the student council, and is now helping us here…? Why is that? Maybe…he doesn’t have any particular reason? It’s not totally unthinkable. He may act disinterested and bothered, but he has the personality to just go with the flow. Even if it’s not his sister, I think he would offer his help to anybody as long as they asked. Doing it subconsciously without even thinking about it…sounds like something Wataru would do.
But if that were true…then that’d be amazing. He’s just doing it because it doesn’t take much effort? Did it because he can? We committee members had no idea what to do. We reached the point where we couldn’t change our methods anymore, and our only option was to continue the same way we had done thus far. Our seniors made that abundantly clear. This shouldn’t have been a problem that could be resolved that easily. There’s no way the people from the student council and Wataru could resolve that without working hard. They had to figure out the cause of the situation, as well as a way to break free from this predicament. Some sort of process was needed.
Yet, he just worked hard? Nothing more? I wouldn’t be able to do that. I couldn’t do that. I needed a reason. Back in middle school, it was my family. If I didn’t work hard, my family would end up in shambles. I could have relied on them. Mom and Dad would smile gently, and forgive me. But…I could see them suffering behind those smiles. I don’t think a bright future would have waited for me if I had just given in back then. That’s why I worked hard. For the sake of my beloved family and little sister, I could work harder than ever.
If not for this motivation, I would have broken down. If Dad hadn’t been tired like he was, I wouldn’t have made it through these endless days of studying. If Mom hadn’t been working part-time, I wouldn’t have learned how to do all the housework myself, and I wouldn’t have been able to help her. If Airi had been happy and smiling all day, I would have spent more time with friends. Met with nothing but benevolence, I wouldn’t have thought about anything, and never worked hard.
But what if…that thought process was wrong in the first place…? I’m confident in my studies. Because I played with Airi every day, I’ve become somewhat athletic. I can fix most frayed spots on clothes. I learned how to cook and do household duties. I could easily prepare dinner if need be. But, that’s just—
“……”
Is there anything else I can do? All of the things I’ve cultivated so far…were they ever useful? Didn’t I just rely on my position as a first-year? Assuming that even if I didn’t do anything, things would be resolved. Maybe the upperclassmen could come up with anything, and clear up the situation. Was there anything I could have done myself to improve the situation? Was I just useless baggage that only managed to aggravate her seniors more…while Wataru managed to do something so amazing?
“…kawa. Hey, Natsukawa…?”
“Huh…?! W-What’s up, Sasaki-kun?”
“I mean…we’re disbanding for today.”
“Ah…you’re right.”
I raised my head, finding everyone putting away their laptops and other tools. I guess the meeting ended while I was lost in thought. Naturally, Wataru had already left the room.
“Um…Natsukawa?”
“…Hm? What’s wrong?”
“I mean, if you have time…how do you feel about coming with me to the soccer club this time? We’re still doing practice right now.”
“Huh? But…”
This time? Oh yeah, the last time he invited me was during the visit of the middle school students during summer break. He invited me to check out the soccer club back then. This time I had planned for the committee work to last until the school closed, so I now have a bit of time, but…Behind Sasaki-kun, I could see the two seniors. Although they decided to help out the committee after all, ever since that incident, they never bothered with me. There’s a good chance they still see me as an annoying junior. I feel like it’ll just ruin the mood if I tagged along.
“Senpai—could I bring Natsukawa with me to the soccer club?”
“Huh…?”
I guess I’m the one who easily gets dragged along with the situation.
*
Thinking about it, I never had anybody directly that I could call a senior. My view of a senior wasn’t limited to somebody in a club, but rather to every upperclassman around me, at least back in middle school. I didn’t say it out loud, but I was always just thinking about myself, seeing everybody around me as selfish. I didn’t know if that is because of my life back then having been so unstable, or because I was just far too self-centered. However, I remember that I felt stressed far too much for me to handle.
Maybe I was just clumsy back then. However, that’s why I don’t really know how to interact with seniors. I don’t think things would work too well with those two seniors, even if Sasaki-kun is around. After all, I still remember how I messed up things before. Sasaki-kun called out to the two girls, and although Inoue-senpai showed a bewildered expression for a moment, she eventually nodded. I get that I’m not welcome. And yet, I tagged along to the sports grounds.
“Listen, Natsukawa-san.”
“…!”
As I was casually talking with Sasaki-kun while we walked ahead, Inoue-senpai turned around to talk to me. I remembered the sharp gaze she threw me back then, which made me subconsciously freeze up.
“Well, sorry about before.”
“Huh…?”
She bluntly apologized to me. Not having expected that, I didn’t know how to respond. I was far too nervous, my head just went blank. I was scared to make her angry again, so I just stood still with my back straight.
“I mean, I get that you’re confused. Who am I to talk, right? Back then, I was just mad at everybody on the committee. But because of Taka and that guy, I sorta came to my senses.”
“Taka…? Wait, Sasaki-kun?”
“Urk…”
Judging from what they said, Sasaki-kun and a friend of his got into a fight…Maybe?
“Sasaki-kun, did you get into a fight…?”
“Well, call it a fight…He gave me a real earful, I guess.”
“Nah, he was dead pissed. I’ve never seen somebody like that. I had no idea how to even stop him, and I was scared…so I was wondering what we were even doing.”
“Yeah, me too…”
Right now, both Inoue-senpai and Ogawa-senpai seemed less like annoyed seniors, and more like small puppies that were cast out during the rain. They suddenly looked so small compared to before. And Sasaki-kun said that his friend was angry at him. At the very least, he didn’t seem like the repulsive guy, so I doubt it ended in violence at least. But even so, that friend of Sasaki-kun must have been really angry and scared that he managed to change the seniors’ behavior. I get it, though. I’ve gone through that once in middle school.
“Not to mention that this guy turned out to be the younger brother of Etsu’s queen…”
“E-Etsu’s queen…?”
So many unfamiliar terms were thrown at me. I understand that ‘Etsu’ is the way some girls in our class call Kouetsu High, but I don’t know who this supposed queen is. What if that younger brother is another first-year?
“So, well…I’m sorry.”
“My bad…”
“Ah! No! It’s fine!”
The two awkwardly apologized. From the way they acted and spoke, I could tell these apologies were genuine. I was a bit confused mid-way, but I wanted to at least show that I expected their apologies, albeit very awkwardly.
“Well, that’s how it is, which is why I invited you again. I didn’t want things to be awkward from here on out.”
“Ah, I see…”
Or so Sasaki-kun said, but it felt like things had turned awkward but for a different reason. Either way, I just nodded and forgot about it. The worst problem has been cleared up, so there’s no need to be worried about the smallest things.
*
With so much financial support offered to our school, it made sense that we had a proper soccer field set up on the sports grounds. There was a small slope from one side of the fence, and you could sit there while watching the practice. I thought I’d be the only person watching, but now that I was here, I could see several other girls too. The way they constantly cheered, I thought they were some fans at first. I was a bit jealous that they were all here as a group.
I imagined having Kei with me, but then I realized that she would never come with me to watch the boys play soccer, which made me laugh a bit. If anything, Kei would probably be running around with them on the field. Since this is my first time watching the soccer club, I thought they’d go straight into mock matches, but that apparently isn’t the case. Not to mention that Sasaki-kun only joined halfway today. They were doing dribbling exercises, pass training, and mostly working on the basics. Especially the first-years were focusing on that.
“Holy, look at that cute girl Taka brought with him.”
“That’s Natsukawa Aika, right? She’s famous even among the second-years.”
“Huh? But wasn’t she supposed to have a boyfriend?”
Though I have to say, I wasn’t feeling too great receiving all sorts of different gazes from the soccer club. If anything, hearing random seniors talk about me having a boyfriend or not made me feel scared. Especially since they didn’t talk to me either. Then again, not like I would know how to respond if they did.
From time to time, Sasaki-kun would wave at me from afar. When I responded, he would smile happily as his friends slapped him on the back. I just hope they don’t have the wrong idea about something…At first, I gathered a lot of attention from the club members, but once the training started for real, they only focussed on the ball in front of them. They did movements I wouldn’t see in soccer matches on TV, balancing the ball with their feet, and other techniques that I would never be able to replicate. Thinking about it, it’s been a while since I actually watched sports done like this outside classes. It already feels like there was something worth finding after coming here.
At the corner of the field, I could see Inoue-senpai and Ogawa-senpai frantically walking around. They handed the people taking breaks some drinks and towels, and wrote something down. I guess there are a lot of things to do as the manager.
“Amazing…”
Yet another realization struck me. A lot happened, and they did apologize in the end, but in reality, those three really wanted to prioritize the soccer club over the committee. They probably wanted to have fun with everyone else, and yet they prioritized the committee over everything. They may have chosen to join the committee themselves for all I know, but I still can’t blame them for skipping the committee all those times. After all, since they didn’t participate in the club activities—they didn’t help anybody.
“Natsukawa!”
“Ah, Sasaki-kun…”
When a voice called my name, I realized that I had been looking down this entire time. All this retrospective and negative thinking seemingly made me forget to even watch the practice. Sasaki-kun must have been worried about me, as he came running with a concerned expression.
“Um…sorry, were you bored by any chance?”
“No, I had fun watching you all.”
“I…seeee? If you say so.”
Sasaki-kun had a sports drink bottle in his hand, wiping away his sweat with a towel around his shoulders. He kept a bit of distance between us, as he sat down. He was drenched in sweat, but he seemed like he was enjoying himself, which made me also happy. I can tell he really enjoys playing soccer.
“Hehe, you’re pretty cool.”
“Huh?! Err…y-you think so?”
“Yep. I understand why all the girls get so excited watching you.”
“Urk…I see.”
The girls always talk about their favorite type. Whenever they said ‘Someone who can get engrossed in something,’ I never fully understood what they meant, but I think I understand it now. Not just Sasaki-kun, but even the other boys looked like they were radiating joy.
“…Natsukawa, what were you thinking about?”
“Huh…?”
“Ah, well, you seemed lost in thought for a while there. Not like you have to tell me, of course.”
“Ah…”
I remember that he would wave his hand at me from time to time. I guess I must have been ignoring him at some point. I started to feel bad for doing so.
“I was just thinking that everyone is amazing. Sasaki-kun, Inoue-senpai, and Ogawa-senpai, all of you.”
“Amazing…?”
“Yep. The way you tapped that high ball with your chest, for example.”
“Nah, everybody could do that, you know?”
“If they’re in the soccer club, that is.”
It still is an achievement. It’s a strength leading to a special talent. Being able to do that is a skill. Of course, I’m too afraid to go that far, and won’t even try it.
“Inoue-senpai observed the field, handing out towels, and Ogawa-senpai gave orders to the first-year boys.”
“B-Boys…”
Looking at the bigger picture, being able to move somebody else. Even without any talent for soccer, they influence the club in a good way. I’m sure that this alone helped so many club members. I had never done anything like this before.
“Did I ever…do something…?”
Inside my head, I cursed myself for asking that question. I stole Sasaki-kun’s time, ruined his fun, and robbed him of his efforts. And without a doubt…I made him worry.
“Are you talking about the culture festival committee? You did so much, Natsukawa. Unlike you, I just slipped out so many times.”
“For the sake of the soccer club, right? In reality, you didn’t have to be part of the committee either way. You took over for Tabata-kun after all.”
“T-That…well…”
I’m not blaming him. I’m jealous of him. Finding something he can completely engross himself in, and still being willing to help as a committee member. He’s so calm yet determined. Slacking with something you’ve been entrusted with definitely is a bad thing. However, he eventually came back and worked just as hard as me. More than anything, he’s participating in his club without thinking about needless stuff like I am. He really is amazing. Watching him makes me feel like I’m the loser. Why? I worked the entire time.
“I think you’re pretty amazing, Natsukawa. You’re good at studying, you’re athletic, and the teachers value you highly.”
“……”
“Ah…Um, Natsukawa…?”
I was confident in that. I’m good at studying. Because I worked so hard in middle school, I can remember things fairly easily right now. I’m athletic too, yeah. It’s because I always played with Airi that I have good reflexes, and my legs are pretty fast. The teachers do like me, since I do everything they tell me to, and I never show any impoliteness. But, all of that is just…
“—Did all of that ever help anybody…?”
“Help any…Huh?”
Ah, I must be such a bother to him right now. I’m just troubling him again. We may have both been committee members, but it’s not like we’re particularly close. In fact, we’ve barely gotten to know each other. There’s no way he would know the answer to that question.
“But…you’re…you know…”
“…”
“Um…well…you are…”
I have to stop him. I have to apologize. I’m just a nuisance to him. I shouldn’t be asking somebody else about this. It’s my own problem that I never really polished myself. In a way that I would actually be able to help someone. What will I gain by hearing someone else’s answer now? There’s nothing more pathetic than that. I’ll just cut it off here—
“Sajou…might know?”
“…Huh?”
I didn’t expect that response. To think that name would come out of Sasaki-kun’s mouth at this very moment. But, I also don’t know why he would say that Wataru would know. Instead of completely stopping this conversation, I was more curious about why he felt that way.
“…Why?”
“I mean, he did a lot, right?”
“A lot…he did.”
This incident was resolved quicker because he supported us first-years and pulled us along. Since he stood above me in terms of ranking, he should know how I looked to the others around me. But, I don’t want to know the difference between them and me.
“Not to mention…he probably knows more about you than…me…no?”
“…!”
That…is true. Just as I know more about Wataru than I do about Sasaki-kun. That’s how things should be. We’ve known each other since middle school, and we’ve spent a lot of our days together. He was unexpectedly knowledgeable and helped a lot of people on the committee. I’ve seen for the first time how reliable he can be……Why? Why did I only learn about that now? I’ve been with Wataru since middle school. On top of that, he always told me things about himself. As much as he knew about me, I should know about him as well. So, why did I only learn of this right now…?
“I mean… he’s liked you for the longest time , right?”
“…Ah…”
Sasaki-kun seemed oddly down when saying these words.
*
Wataru liked me. It already was the case when we first met. He looked into my eyes, and said ‘I like you,’ and I still remember that event to this day. However, back at the time, I didn’t have time to worry about romance and love, which is why I pushed him away in a cold manner. Even so, Wataru didn’t give up and approached me many more times. Thinking about it, he’s the only person I showed my feelings and problems to at school.
By the time we entered high school, I managed to settle down a bit, both as a person and in school, and I was starting to look forward to what high school had in store for me. I knew Wataru would be with me, but back at that time, I just saw him as a nuisance. I may have been excited about the new school, but I still wasn’t too interested in getting a boyfriend or experiencing love. I believed there was nobody I could love more than Airi.
I managed to smoothly make it into my new high school life. He stood out all the time, all because he kept on following me. This made me stand out all the same, which led to the people around us remembering our names. Finally, I found a good friend in Kei. Thinking about it now, I managed to get close with Kei because Wataru was with me. The only reason I never thought about it until now is that it seemed so natural to me. He was an annoying existence, but I always saw him with me. That’s the guy he was. That’s why I was so lost and confused when he suddenly distanced himself from me. Said that he’d given up on me, but I wondered if we could still be friends.
—If not, I probably wouldn’t be able to bear it. I had a place to belong to with Wataru. He created an opening inside of my heart that not even Kei or Airi can fill. The first time I felt the ‘sadness’ from that was during the middle schoolers’ visit this summer break. He wasn’t just a nuisance anymore, he was someone important who should be part of my daily life. That’s why I was terrified to think he wanted to cut off our connection.
After we entered the second term, on a certain day once classes ended, Wataru strongly declared that the two of us aren’t in that kind of relationship. I’d never seen her face before. Back then, I really thought he didn’t like me anymore. And I realized that I always forced him to be considerate around me. I found out that I never really considered his feelings. I just didn’t know what to do anymore.
Or rather, I didn’t try to understand. I started hating things I didn’t understand, but I was scared to find out. Even if I reached out with my hand, my legs stopped me. Not knowing became the norm for me.