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Past\nâYou must embrace his emotions.â\n
After a two-hour consultation, these were the words that left the deepest impression on Zhou Luoyang.\n
There was nothing he had to hide from Fang Zhouâs uncle. First of all, he trusted a doctorâs commitment to the moral code of their profession, and he trusted that he would keep this information private. Second, Fang Zhouâs uncle was a well-known scholar, and though he wished to return to his hometown, his professional ability could not be questioned.\n
âBy embracing his emotions, I mean that whether your friend is manic or depressed, you have to calmly put yourself in his shoes and try to understand him. You have to understand that all of his âabnormalâ behaviors are a normal part of his episodes and not like the behavior of those of us who are well. You have to trust that his sudden moods may not reflect his true intentions.â\n
Zhou Luoyang immediately said, âRight, he says to me all the time, âI donât want to hurt you.ââ\n
âYou must never put added pressure on him by saying things like, âThe world is so wonderful, yet youâre thinking about dying? Is that fair to your parents? Is that fair to your friends?â And donât remind him over and over that thereâs a lot of beauty to life. Because the patient canât experience that. During depressive episodes, he canât feel the love that you feel towards life.\n
âYou only need to offer your companionship and understanding, just like you would accompany a patient with a fever. Just know that heâs in a lot of pain at the moment, and thatâs enough. When he transitions into a manic episode, itâs even more vital that you stay calm and collected. He will hurt you without meaning to. As soon as you become aware that something isnât right, give him time alone and protect yourself. Donât start any disagreements; you want to avoid stimulating him a second time during this period of mania.\n
âWhen the manic episode is soon over, heâll begin to reflect on his actions and apologize to you. And this self-reflection can often launch him into another depressive episode. If he hurt you during his manic episode, heâll feel a lot of guilt and experience suicidal ideation for a period of time.\n
âHaving bipolar disorder is like constantly switching back and forth from being on the top of a mountain to being stuck in an abyss. Think back on it. Am I correct?â\n
Zhou Luoyang thought about Du Jingâs typical behavior and tried to recount it to Dr. Fang. Dr. Fang didnât ask who it was; he just walked Zhou Luoyang through the basics of how to interact with this friend of his during extreme situations.\n
Zhou Luoyang spent a long time processing this information. Dr. Fang urged, âAnd you absolutely must make sure he takes his medicine on time.â\n
âThank you. Thank you,â Zhou Luoyang said with relief. âCan he date? Will dating help him a little? Maybe boost his faith in life?â\n
Zhou Luoyang knew that love made it feel like sunshine was shining down on the dim and dreary reality. It filled you with hope for the future. The beautiful feeling of love could change you, as well as your entire life.\n
But Dr. Fang said, âIf his condition hasnât entirely stabilized, I donât really recommend dating or marriage. His primary doctor must have reminded him of this as well. Iâm sure he understands best what the situation is exactly. Judging by his actions, I would guess that he doesnât want to date, or even make friends.â\n
The hint was obvious; Dr. Fang was giving Zhou Luoyang a veiled reminder not to meddle in his business.\n
In the end, he added, âBesides, if he hides his disorder, it wonât be fair to his partner.â\n
âThatâs true.â Zhou Luoyang felt ashamed. Actually, he hadnât ever thought of hiding Du Jingâs disorder before. It was just that heâd always thought Du Jing was a very charming guy. Zhou Luoyang liked him very much, even as a member of the same gender, and could accept him for all that he was, including his disorder. So there was sure to be a girl out there who would love him enough to accept everything about him. \n
âIn short, donât make a mountain out of a molehill regarding his disorder, and donât try to do anything like forcefully pulling him out of an episode. What he needs most is companionship and understanding. As long as thereâs someone who can embrace all of his emotions, he wonât feel lonely and helpless. So youâre very, very important to him.\n
ââŚThis patient needs you to invest an entire lifetime of giving, of companionship,â Dr. Fang said seriously. âLuoyang, in my opinion, this is the hardest part. It isnât difficult for someone to be patient for a window of time, but it is difficult for someone to be patient day after day, year after year, forever. Many family members or partners who come to me for advice will inevitably experience bad moods themselves, and theyâre simply enduring it. But as time goes on, theyâre bound to lose control of themselves at some pointâweâre only human, after all, not gods. After giving and giving one-sidedly for so long, itâll be easy for your own emotions to spiral out of control, and for you to grow impatient or even shout at him in a breakdown. This will cause even greater harm to the patient. And this is even more fatal once youâve already established a very close emotional bond with him, so itâs better not to enter his life in the first place.â\n
âIâll definitely be vigilant about taking care of my own emotions,â said Zhou Luoyang.\n
Dr. Fang nodded and said, âDonât give up on him. Youâre a good child, Luoyang.â He took off his glasses and wiped them with his shirt. âIt was destiny that your friend could meet you. And it also marks a turning point in his life. I hope he can get better. You can have him come see me if he ever gets the chance.â\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nZhou Luoyang nodded and glanced at his phone. Du Jing hadnât replied to his texts all day today.\n
Embrace all of his emotions, Zhou Luoyang repeated to himself. Before he left for college, heâd never thought he would meet someone like Du Jing. \n
Giving one-sidedly? Zhou Luoyang felt that heâd learned a lot from Du Jing too, though. Especially in terms of interpersonal relationshipsâDu Jingâs main motto in life was to not bother maintaining any of the interpersonal relationships that he didnât need to maintain.\n
This wasnât a practice Zhou Luoyang was accustomed to. But after spending so much time with Du Jing, Zhou Luoyang was astonished to discover that there were many people out there who really didnât have anything to do with him, and they were only NPCs in each otherâs lives. Rather than waste time and energy trying to please everyone, it was more worthwhile to spend time with those who were most important to him.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nAt 8 PM, as he slowly walked home in the cold wind, Zhou Luoyang really wanted to turn back and tell Dr. Fang, âNo, Iâm not giving one-sidedly. Actually, he changed me.â\n
In the past, Zhou Luoyang would have invited several close friends out to eat dinner around this time. After ten, they would go clubbing or have drinks at a bar and watch a show.\n
But after getting used to being with Du Jing, the first thing he wanted to do once this long, exhausting day turned into night was actually to go home.\n
Zhou Luoyang checked his phone to see if Du Jing had replied yet. He hadnât heard a peep from him all day, which made him worried. Had this guy hopped on a plane and left? Why didnât he say anything? It was almost New Yearâs; should he go back to campus to check up on him?\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nThere was a car parked in front of his house. Du Jing was sitting next to the shrubs along the curb.\n
âDu Jing!â Zhou Luoyang was shocked.\n
Du Jing looked up at him but didnât say anything.\n
âDo you not feel well?â Zhou Luoyang never would have thought he would appear right here, right now with no warning at all. Zhou Luoyang knelt down in front of him and checked him over, gazing into his eyes.\n
Du Jing was still silent, and obviously tired. Zhou Luoyang didnât know what happened to him, but after just coming out of that consultation with Dr. Fang, he decided not to interrogate him.\n
âItâs too cold out here. Quick, come inside and we can talk. Come on.â Zhou Luoyang tugged at Du Jingâs hand and led him inside.\n
Du Jing was wearing a suit today, as if he was originally going to attend a formal party, but in the end showed up at Zhou Luoyangâs door.\n
Zhou Luoyang brought him inside and sat him down, then went to find slippers and changed him into them.\n
âHow did you know my address?â Zhou Luoyang was very worried, but he also couldnât hide his excitement at seeing Du Jing again. He and Du Jing had been apart for a week already, and in that week, heâd been kind of bored on his own.\n
Du Jing was quiet. Zhou Luoyang answered his own question: âOh right, my address is on the form.â\n
Before winter break, the dorm manager had them fill out a form with their home address.\n
âDid you eat dinner yet?â Zhou Luoyang asked. âI havenât either. Iâll find something to eat.â\n
Zhou Luoyang was living in a compact three story villa. After heâd been away for so long, it was now gloomy and cold. He turned on the underfloor heating, had Du Jing sit down, and said, âIâll go park the car in the garage.â\n
âThe turtleâs in the car.â Du Jing finally spoke.\n
Zhou Luoyang hadnât thought Du Jing would bring even the little turtle. The plastic tank was sitting in the passenger seat. He parked the car and popped open the trunkâit was completely empty. Du Jing didnât bring any luggage.\n
He took the turtle inside and placed it on the warm window sill. He glanced at Du Jing. Du Jing was sitting blankly on the couch.\n
âLetâs eat frozen dumplings,â Zhou Luoyang said. âIâll buy food tomorrow. Have you not eaten all day?â\n
Du Jing sat down at the dining table, and Zhou Luoyang poured him something to drink. He didnât remark on his silence and simply scrolled through his phone, minding his own business, just like when they were at school. Du Jing ate very slowly, but he ate quite a lot, and finished off eighty percent of the large plate of dumplings.\n
âTell me the truth,â Zhou Luoyang said. âHow many days has it been since you last ate?â\n
âThree days,â Du Jing answered, his face wan and pale.\n
Zhou Luoyang: ââŚâŚâ\n
Zhou Luoyang fought the urge to berate him fiercely. âWhy didnât you eat?â\n
âDidnât want to,â Du Jing replied.\n
Zhou Luoyang wanted to boil another package of dumplings for him but then thought better of it. This guy hadnât eaten at all in three days; it was best if he didnât eat too much at once.\n
âThereâs tangyuan<sup>1</sup> in the fridge,â Zhou Luoyang said. âYou can grab something to eat if you get hungry at night.â\n
Du Jing nodded. Zhou Luoyang said, âYou didnât bring a change of clothes? What happened to your shirt?â\n
Zhou Luoyang had noticed it when Du Jing sat down at the table and the light hit him. He leaned forward and pulled apart the lapels of Du Jingâs suit. His shirt was stained with no small amount of blood.\n
âI cut myself,â Du Jing said.\n
âDo you feel very uncomfortable?â Zhou Luoyangâs guess was that Du Jing had self-harmed in order to help himself deal.\n
Du Jing shifted his gaze away and didnât reply. Zhou Luoyang said, âLuckily I happen to have some. Go shower. Weâll sleep together again tonight.â\n
Zhou Luoyang figured that Du Jing most likely hadnât gotten any sleep for days on end. He rummaged through a wardrobe and pulled out a paper bag containing a brand new set of pajamas and underwear. He handed them to Du Jing and ushered him to the shower.\n
âDonât open it,â Du Jing said.\n
âI bought it for you,â Zhou Luoyang said. âI was out the day before yesterday and saw them on sale, so I bought them.â\n
Du Jing looked unconvinced, and Zhou Luoyang said, âTheyâre all in your size. Youâll see when you put them on, right?â\n
Du Jing nodded and went to shower and get changed. They really were bought for him.\n
âLuoyang!â Du Jing suddenly hollered from within the bathroom. \n
Zhou Luoyang pushed open the door and entered. âDid the water stop again?â\n
Du Jing was already in the middle of his shower. He turned, gazing through the glass door at Zhou Luoyang. âTalk to me.â\n
Zhou Luoyang didnât know whether to laugh or cry. He hung up Du Jingâs suit and said, âIn a moment.â\n
Du Jing seemed to feel a lot better once he was standing under the hot water. Zhou Luoyang grabbed his shirt, settled on a cleaning method, and dug out a spot remover. When he looked at Du Jing again, he noticed an inconspicuous cut on his arm.\n
Zhou Luoyang didnât mention the cut. Instead, he asked, âWhat were you originally going to do today?â\n
Du Jing said, âMy department was having a get-together, and I was going to stop by. When I left the dorm I suddenly lost interest, so I came looking for you.â\n
A question, an answer. Both of them were very calm. Zhou Luoyang turned to look at Du Jing. The glass door was fogged up, and he could make out the vague silhouette of his naked body. It was very pleasingly masculine.\n
In the end, Zhou Luoyang couldnât stop himself from asking, âIs your hand okay?â \n
Instead of answering the question, Du Jing said, âWhat are your plans?â\n
Zhou Luoyang said, âI donât have any plans. Do you?â\n
âYouâre not going to Japan?â Du Jing asked.\n
Zhou Luoyang said, âI didnât really want to go in the first place. I donât have anything to say to them.â\n
Soon, Du Jing was done showering. He put on his underwear and stood behind Zhou Luoyang, watching him wash his shirt.\n
âIâm not manic anymore,â Du Jing said. âIâm a lot better now.â\n
Zhou Luoyangâs reflection in the mirror smiled. âThe past couple days, you were worried youâd start a fight with me while you werenât feeling well, right?â \n
âI donât want to hurt you,â Du Jing said. He took the cotton swab that Zhou Luoyang handed him and cleaned his ears. They quietly gazed at one another.\n
âGo lie down,â Zhou Luoyang said. âLetâs go out and have fun tomorrow.â\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nZhou Luoyangâs room was on the third floor, and it was very spacious. The two of them lay on top of one big bed, with Zhou Luoyang on his stomach reading a book and Du Jing on his back staring into space.\n
When Zhou Luoyang looked up, he unintentionally met Du Jingâs eyes.\n
Sometimes Du Jing is like a large child who canât take care of himself, Zhou Luoyang thought.\n
âYouâre not meeting up with your classmates?â Du Jing asked.\n
âHow can I meet up with them every single day?â Zhou Luoyang responded airily.\n
âDid your ex-girlfriend come back?â\n
Zhou Luoyang turned a page of his book and shot him a glance. âWhy?â\n
âI wanna see her.â\n
Zhou Luoyang didnât know whether to laugh or cry. âWhat do you want to see my ex for? What are you thinking?â\n
âI want to know what kind of girl is worthy of your love and can still trample your heart in the end.â\n
Zhou Luoyang absent-mindedly remarked, âSo you want to rip off my scab.â\n
âThatâs not what I meant,â Du Jing said, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden.\n
âHer entire family emigrated.â Zhou Luoyang turned over, holding up his novel, and glanced at Du Jing over the edge of the page. âYou were doomed to be disappointed.â \n
Du Jing didnât say anything else. Zhou Luoyang turned off the light and said, âSleep.â\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nZhou Luoyang hadnât managed to fall asleep this entire time. Nearly three years later, he lay in the big bed of this rented room and recalled these memories little by little. That year was the first year he and Du Jing celebrated New Yearâs together. On the twenty-eighth day of the twelfth lunar month, they went to Huizhouâs market and bought a brush and ink and red paper. Zhou Luoyang had learned calligraphy when he was younger and could write beautifully. He wrote his own Spring Festival scrolls<sup>2</sup> and the characters fu for good fortune and chun for spring.\n
Du Jing watched. He rolled up his sleeves, exposing the healed cut on his hand, and ground ink<sup>3</sup> for Zhou Luoyang.\n
Fang Zhou invited Zhou Luoyang to a get-together, and Du Jing dropped him off outside of the restaurant, while he stayed in the car. Zhou Luoyang didnât pressure him into going inside with him, but a while later, Du Jing texted him saying he wanted to come upstairs as well.\n
Zhou Luoyang introduced Du Jing to his high school classmates, telling them he was his roommate. That evening, Du Jing got along fantastically with them, like any normal person, and no one asked about the scar on his face or gossipped about his background.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nZhou Luoyang turned the light back on.\n
Many years had flashed by in the fleeting time between the light being turned off and then back on.\n
Life passed as quickly as a white horse gallops past a tiny crackâin only an instant.\n
He got up from the bed and put on a jacket and slippers. He stood outside Leyaoâs room for a moment, listening, making sure his brother was fast asleep, before he left the apartment. The street lamps illuminated the way as he wove through the neighborhood, finally arriving at the garden.\n
Sure enough, Du Jing was sitting on the bench, staring into space. He had earbuds in and was listening to music. When he noticed Zhou Luoyang walking towards him, he raised his head ever so slightly.\n
âCome sleep upstairs,â Zhou Luoyang said. âWhyâd you decide to sit in the garden? I had such a hard time finding you. I thought maybe you werenât even here.â \n
Du Jing pointed, and Zhou Luoyang looked up. From here, they could see perfectly the light in Zhou Luoyangâs room on the other side of the neighborhood. \n
Zhou Luoyang pulled Du Jing up off the bench and led him up to his apartment.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nâ Book 1 ¡ Past ¡ End â\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nFootnotes:\n
<ol>Sweet little glutinous rice balls, typically stuffed with black sesame or nothing at all. [Back]Chinese New Year is also known as the Spring Festival. Spring Festival scrolls are vertical banners with couplets written on them that you hang up during New Yearâs. [Back]Traditional ink comes in a solid inkstick, which you grind in an insktone with a little bit of water to make liquid ink, which you can then dip your brush into. [Back]</ol>\n<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nTranslated by beansprout. \n
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