Chapter 23

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Past\n“Old Yao really didn’t yearn for anything else at that point. I understood him and I helped him. I was going to donate the inheritance he left to a Chinese research institute that studied quantum effects, which I’d happened to come into contact with through work. Later, I thought about it and came to the conclusion that the task could be accomplished, though maybe not exactly as he envisioned it…”\n

“Why?” Zhou Luoyang suddenly asked.\n

Du Jing was stumped for words. Zhou Luoyang forged on as if there was no one else there. “Why did you leave without saying anything three years ago and join an intelligence firm?”\n

Their food arrived. Leyao silently scrolled through his phone.\n

Du Jing was silent for a moment before he asked, “Are you sure you want me to say it?”\n

At first, Zhou Luoyang wanted to say he was sure. But when the words reached his lips, he swallowed them back down.\n

“This is the kind of person you are.” Zhou Luoyang smiled a little sadly. “You do whatever you want, like deciding on a whim to go out in the middle of the night and sit on a bench.”\n

“Not really,” Du Jing replied. “I have my own logic behind what I do. It’s just that a lot of the time…”\n

“…Normal people can’t quite understand,” Leyao softly finished for him.\n

Du Jing nodded and raised his hand, high-fiving Leyao. Leyao smiled and said, “Gege doesn’t really get how I think.”\n

“Yet he always thinks of himself as someone who’s attentive to the smallest things and good at understanding other people,” Du Jing said.\n

“Hey!” Zhou Luoyang cut in. “What are you implying?”\n

The mood lightened. Du Jing looked at Leyao and sliced him some steak from their seafood and meat spread. Leyao’s eyes followed Du Jing’s wrist and the watch that Zhou Luoyang had given him.\n

Du Jing said, “Back then, there was a higher up at Changyi who I met through that research institute. It just so happened that he wanted to resign, so he recommended me to Li Liangyi and asked if I wanted to come back to China. And as it turned out, this person also happened to have the last name Zhou.”\n

“Also happened to have the last name Zhou?” Zhou Luoyang repeated.\n

“Also happened to have the last name Zhou,” Du Jing confirmed with a nod, passing the plate to Leyao.\n

“That was your reason for returning?” Leyao asked, smiling.\n

“It was one of them. But mostly it was because I missed him,” Du Jing said, gesturing at Zhou Luoyang, who was sitting next to him.\n

“And so you became your company’s celebrity agent, returned from abroad,” Zhou Luoyang said, relaxed enough now to tease him.\n

Du Jing accepted it without protest. \n

Zhou Luoyang asked, “What kind of company is Changyi?”\n

“An unofficial agency under national security,” Du Jing replied. “It went through a huge, cataclysmic overhaul, and now the state of affairs are much better. The best thing about being in China is that it’s safe.”\n

Zhou Luoyang understood. In comparison to the United States, Mexico, and Europe, China’s public security situation was better. After the economic reform in the eighties, contact with the outside world increased, but counterintelligence efforts within the borders of the mainland were very effective. This was in part because they had a comparatively foolproof system, and in part because China was racially homogenous, unlike other countries which had a great number of immigrants.\n

“How long do you plan on doing this work?” Zhou Luoyang asked. This was the question he was most concerned about right now.\n

“It depends. I need money and Changyi pays well, plus I don’t have to deal with too many interpersonal relationships. I do jobs for them, they reward me.”\n

“Is it very dangerous?” Leyao asked.\n

“It’s not dangerous,” Du Jing said—a misleading statement. “Risk and profit exist side by side.”\n

Judging by Leyao’s expression, it looked like he wanted to ask if Du Jing was in need of money, but he held it in.\n

Zhou Luoyang didn’t probe further. Instead, he remarked lightly, “I found a potential job. I’m going in for an interview the day after tomorrow.”\n

Du Jing knit his brows. “Are you sure? I still have money. I’ll give it all to you.”\n

Du Jing reached for his phone, but Zhou Luoyang cut him off with a “No.” He quickly followed up with a smile. “You’re already treating me to dinner.”\n

Du Jing suddenly paused and gazed at Zhou Luoyang, his face shuttered up. After a moment’s deliberation, Zhou Luoyang said, “I’ll see how work goes for now. If it doesn’t go well, then we’ll see.”\n

“You’re serious?”\n

Zhou Luoyang nodded.\n

Leyao could sense that something was amiss with the mood and asked, “Where do you live in Wan City? Didn’t you say you would move in with us?” \n

But Du Jing didn’t say anything at all. Zhou Luoyang felt a bit dispirited. It’s starting again, he thought.\n

“You don’t feel well?” he asked.\n

“No, I’m fine,” Du Jing replied. “Eat. I’ll drive you back when you’re done.”\n

Leyao glanced at his brother, surprised. Zhou Luoyang gave him a look of reassurance. He still had something to say to Du Jing, but he knew he had to do it privately. He wasn’t sure whether his words would be too harsh or if they would upset Du Jing.\n

And just like that, dinner turned awkwardly silent. When they were done, Du Jing footed the bill and drove the brothers home, but he didn’t follow them inside. He stood outside the doorway and told Zhou Luoyang, “Sorry. I injured your self-esteem today.”\n

“It’s not like that.” \n

Finally, Zhou Luoyang had a chance to straighten things out. He wanted to take advantage of this opportunity to say more, but Du Jing said, “Spend more time with him.”\n

Without giving Zhou Luoyang the chance to explain, he turned and headed down the stairs.\n

Zhou Luoyang kneaded the space between his eyebrows, frustrated.\n

“Is he having a difficult time financially?” Leyao moved back and forth about their apartment freely with his wheelchair.\n

Zhou Luoyang thought, He isn’t. The reason he’s working for money is because we are.\n

“Leyao.” Zhou Luoyang took a seat on the couch and waved him over. He wanted to have a proper chat with him, as well as to massage his legs for him to prevent atrophy.\n

Leyao stilled. It seemed he could already predict what his brother was going to say.\n

“Du Jing is my very good friend,” Zhou Luoyang began.\n

“Gege, do you remember what we agreed on?”\n

“Yes, but I still care about how you feel because you’re my little brother.”\n

<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nWhen Leyao woke up after the car accident, the first person he saw was his gege, and only his gege. Very quickly, he came to understand that all his loved ones were gone.\n

Zhou Luoyang kept him company in his hospital room until one day, he pushed his little brother outside in a wheelchair. As they wandered through the garden of Tokyo University Hospital, Leyao asked him, “Will we live together in the future?”\n

“Yes,” Zhou Luoyang replied. “Gege will take care of you. Mom and Dad aren’t really gone. They’ll be by your side too.”\n

“Then promise me one thing,” Leyao said, smiling, “in order for me to accept.” \n

“What is it?” Zhou Luoyang asked.\n

“Whoever you want to be with, whatever you want to do, you have to promise you won’t worry about me,” Leyao said.\n

Zhou Luoyang nodded without a second thought. “I promise. But you’re not a burden to me, so don’t think that, Leyao.”\n

<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nInside of the living room, both brothers were quiet.\n

Leyao suddenly said, “I’m just curious, if you guys are so close, why did you separate three years ago?”\n

Zhou Luoyang had a difficult time finding the right words to explain. He didn’t want his brother to misunderstand. Finally, he answered, “Du Jing and I had a fight in our third year. Maybe he sensed that his disorder was a bit serious, or maybe he didn’t want to ruin our relationship? Whatever the case, he just left.” \n

“Did he sense something and was afraid you liked him? So he distanced himself from you?”\n

Zhou Luoyang: “……”\n

You really are suited for joining the FBI, Zhou Luoyang thought. This had been a sore point for them once. And Leyao had picked up on it after only observing him and Du Jing interact three times.\n

Maybe in those later days, Zhou Luoyang had already begun crossing the boundaries of friendship. He could feel it, and so he worked hard to keep it under control and not think about it.\n

Du Jing could feel it too, and their interactions started to feel a bit unnatural. \n

Zhou Luoyang himself couldn’t quite say if it was love, exactly, or if they’d just gotten used to each other and it was something akin to familial companionship. Ultimately, he just attributed it to some sort of misconception. \n

“But I didn’t,” he said. “Do you think we seem like gay partners?” \n

“I can tell you have a great relationship,” Leyao replied.\n

“That’s because he doesn’t have anyone else to rely on,” Zhou Luoyang said in the end, “emotionally.”\n

“Then what about you?” Leyao asked. “We’ve been talking about him all this time, but what do you think?”\n

Zhou Luoyang didn’t answer. He was still deep in thought.\n

Leyao smiled, however, and said, “Whoever you accept, I accept. Gege, you don’t need to worry too much about me. It’s just…I just think…”\n

Leyao, too, was struggling to find the right words. His expression was identical to Zhou Luoyang’s.\n

Zhou Luoyang looked at his younger brother, his feelings complicated. They’d been different since birth. Leyao grew up in Japan and was deeply influenced by Japanese culture. And the one thing Japanese culture emphasized most was: \n

Don’t inconvenience other people.\n

There was a sense of personal responsibility rooted deep in everyone’s hearts. From something as big as derailment of the Shinkansen to something as small as sorting the trash, everyone worked their hardest to avoid inconveniencing other people. Japanese blood flowed in Leyao’s veins, and he maintained the courtesy and politeness that was characteristic of Japanese people.\n

“It’s just what?” Zhou Luoyang asked, pressing his palm into his brother’s calf. “You’re free to say whatever you want to say. I won’t take offense. We’re family.”\n

“It’s just…” Leyao finally said, “gege, you haven’t been very kind to yourself over these past few years, have you? You’ve been living for other people’s sake, haven’t you?”\n

Zhou Luoyang looked at Leyao in surprise. He didn’t know why his brother would say that.\n

Leyao studied him, troubled. “When you were in school, you had to look after Du Jing; now, you have to look after me. It must be very exhausting, musn’t it? What I mean is—have you ever thought about what kind of person you really want to be, if you weren’t held back by these burdens?”\n

“No, no!” Zhou Luoyang rushed to explain. He felt the urge both to cry and to laugh. “Why would you think that? I’ve never thought of you or Du Jing like that before! You’re both very important people to me. I’ve never felt like you were—”\n

Leyao interrupted, “Right, you’re just used to it now. Even with Grandpa’s store, you always feel like you’re responsible for it. It’s always ‘who should I become’ and not ‘who do I want to become’—”\n

“No!” Zhou Luoyang repeated firmly. “Leyao, I’m very sure about what I want.”\n

Leyao studied his brother quietly. Zhou Luoyang gave his head a hard rub. “Everything I do is something I’ve decided myself that I want to do. No one’s being forced into anything. I’m perfectly happy doing this.”\n

“Alright. I’m just worried things will be even harder on you with two sick people at home to care of.”\n

“He’s not always like that. Sometimes I can’t help but feel…ah, forget it,” Zhou Luoyang said, feeling a little guilty.\n

“Are you worried that you’ll cause him more mood fluctuations? But I think he knows that very well, too, and yet he still can’t leave you. You really are very important to him.”\n

Zhou Luoyang had always felt guilty over the past few years. Now and again, he thought back to the past. Had they been too attached to each other, so that later on, his every word and action carried greater importance to Du Jing, indirectly causing his condition to worsen in the end?\n

“Let him move in,” Leyao said. “I’ll get along with him well. Besides, I’m rarely at home anyway. If you don’t think he’ll be bad for you, then that’s best, of course.” \n

“Okay.” Zhou Luoyang nodded. He could tell Leyao was a bit tired by now, so he pushed him back to his room.\n

“When did you run into each other again?” Leyao asked before the lights were turned off. “Did he contact you right after returning to China?” \n

“What?” Zhou Luoyang had been lost in thought just now, but he quickly understood what Leyao was asking, and he explained, “It was the day I went to meet with a potential business partner, September seventh.”\n

“Good night,” Leyao said, smiling.\n

“Good night.”\n

Zhou Luoyang turned off the light. He didn’t know why, but he almost felt as if that last question was a little bit paranoid. Leyao didn’t think Zhou Luoyang and Du Jing had run into each other much earlier and then decided to send him away to live at school, did he? But he quickly chased that thought away, telling himself not to wildly speculate, and he didn’t explain himself.\n

He collapsed tiredly onto his bed. \n

That’s right. You two’s words and actions have their own logic to them, and it’s just that oftentimes the average person doesn’t understand it. \n

Zhou Luoyang had thought he already understood Du Jing very well, but it still made him sad to hear Du Jing say that today.\n

<hr class="wp-block-separator">\n“Who should you become” and “who do you want to become”…Du Jing had asked him the same thing once.\n

It was the winter he found out about Du Jing’s disorder. Hangzhou was very cold that year. Final exams ended just as quickly as they arrived. Zhou Luoyang never worried over his studies; he bagged a high score easily. Du Jing, meanwhile, got the highest score in his entire department.\n

Zhou Luoyang rarely saw Du Jing doing practice problems—his roommate’s IQ simply drove him green with envy. All he had to do was read a book front to back, casually do the after-class exercise problems, glance a few times at the blackboard during class, scribble a little in his notebook, and he’d understand everything. Many of the classes Zhou Luoyang took for his major were in the morning during the first or second blocks of class. He had a hard time getting out of bed, so Du Jing sometimes went to those classes for him. But as it turned out, he, an automation student, was better at mechanical engineering than Zhou Luoyang himself.\n

As for the CET-6¹, Du Jing didn’t even buy prep books and still passed it on his first try. Studying with Du Jing filled Zhou Luoyang with endless bitterness.\n

Du Jing was innately gifted, while Zhou Luoyang relied on his hard work. He always felt like he was chasing after Du Jing, trying to catch up to him but utterly spent. And even still, Du Jing had to stop and wait for him from time to time.\n

“You don’t want the scholarship?” This was Zhou Luoyang’s first time hearing of anyone giving up the scholarship that was awarded to the student with the highest score.\n

“I’m leaving it for someone who needs it,” Du Jing said.\n

<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nAfter finally finishing his last exam, Zhou Luoyang thought about how he and Du Jing would be apart for all of winter break, and suddenly really didn’t want that.\n

“Where are you spending your winter break?” Zhou Luoyang started looking into buying tickets.\n

“I haven’t decided yet. You?” Du Jing’s condition had been better recently. After he opened up to Zhou Luoyang, a sort of ease settled between them, and they became much more comfortable in their interactions.\n

Zhou Luoyang thought for a moment. “I haven’t decided either. How about…”\n

But Du Jing asked, “You’re not going to Japan?”\n

They’d both grown up with parents in their second marriages, and so there was a sort of tacit understanding between them. This tacit understanding didn’t need to be voiced aloud; Zhou Luoyang had sensed it the very first day they met.\n

“Maybe I’ll go to Nara for the onsens? Or I’ll go back to Wan City to visit Grandpa.”\n

Zhou Luoyang’s father moved to Tokyo after remarrying, his mother was rarely in contact with him anymore, and his grandfather and aunt lived in Wan City. In all honesty, Zhou Luoyang didn’t really want to go to either city.\n

“Japan’s winters are very nice,” Du Jing said. “I haven’t been before. Maybe I’ll go back to southern California or Barcelona.”\n

Zhou Luoyang remembered—Du Jing had neither family nor a place to stay in China.\n

“How about you come celebrate New Year’s at my home?” In the end, Zhou Luoyang extended Du Jing an invitation. “I’ll be the only one home.”\n

Zhou Luoyang’s family had a home in Huizhou just for him, so that he would at least have somewhere to go during summer and winter break. When he went home, he could meet up with classmates and go out to eat or hang out together if he didn’t want to stay home alone for too long.\n

“No, it’s okay. When you get back, you’ll want to meet up with classmates and sometimes go on impromptu outings. It won’t be very convenient to have to stay together,” Du Jing said.\n

A couple days ago, Zhou Luoyang’s high school classmate Fang Zhou had called him, and Du Jing had heard.\n

“Then…I’ll just buy my own ticket,” Zhou Luoyang said. “I’ll come back early.”\n

“I’ll drive you there?”\n

“No, no, look, I already bought the ticket.”\n

Du Jing fell silent. A solid minute later, he said, “Then I’ll send you to the station.”\n

Du Jing led Zhou Luoyang to the off-campus parking lot, hands stuffed in his pockets. He pressed a button on his car keys, and the headlights of a Mercedes-Benz GLK lit up and its doors opened.\n

Zhou Luoyang was shocked. “When did you buy this car?”\n

“The day before yesterday. You said this car was cool, so I bought it,” Du Jing said easily.\n

“We don’t usually need to use a car, do we?”\n

“I originally wanted to drive you back to Huizhou,” Du Jing said, “and we could stop and see the sights along the way, but you already bought your ticket.” \n

Zhou Luoyang: “……………………”\n

“I’ll return it,” Zhou Luoyang said. “Come over for New Year’s.”\n

“You don’t need to,” Du Jing said. “You already bought it.”\n

“I can return it…”\n

“I said you didn’t need to!” Du Jing repeated.\n

Zhou Luoyang could sense Du Jing’s agitation, so he stopped.\n

“I may have entered an episode recently,” Du Jing said a moment later. “I didn’t mean to talk to you in that tone of voice just now. I couldn’t control myself. Sorry, Luoyang.”\n

Zhou Luoyang looked at Du Jing, worried. “It’s okay. I actually like it better when you lose your temper at me instead of forcing yourself under control. Are you manic right now?”\n

Du Jing nodded. “I often don’t feel well when things turn out in a way I don’t expect them to. Don’t mind me, I’ll be okay again after a while.”\n

“You should’ve told me.”\n

Stubbornly, Du Jing said, “You’ve already bought your ticket. But it made me really happy when you invited me to celebrate New Year’s with you.”\n

Du Jing lived overseas for many years. His stepfather’s family didn’t celebrate Chinese New Year’s, and when he was a child, all he and his mother did was to make and eat dumplings by themselves on New Year’s day.  \n

“If you don’t end up going to Spain or the States, you have to come visit me,” Zhou Luoyang said as he bid Du Jing goodbye outside of the station.\n

Du Jing nodded halfheartedly. Zhou Luoyang said, “That’s a promise.”\n

“Okay,” Du Jing agreed. “Take care.”\n

Zhou Luoyang entered the station. After getting his ticket checked, he shuffled to the side of the enormous waiting room and gazed out the three-story-high glass wall. He spotted Du Jing still standing outside in a trance.\n

Zhou Luoyang dialed Du Jing’s phone and said, “Turn around.”\n

Du Jing turned and looked around for a good minute before finally catching sight of Zhou Luoyang. The agitation on his face immediately smoothed away as he did his best to pull himself together, raising an eyebrow at Zhou Luoyang.\n

“Why aren’t you heading back?” Zhou Luoyang knew that Du Jing must not be feeling well right now; he was only pretending to be fine.\n

“I won’t have anything to do back at the dorm, anyway,” Du Jing said, walking up to the glass wall and gazing back at Zhou Luoyang.\n

“I’m still kind of worried. What about…”\n

“I can take care of myself,” Du Jing reassured. “You don’t have to worry.”\n

Zhou Luoyang lifted his hand and gently rested it on the surface of the glass wall. Outside of the station, Du Jing lifted his hand as well and pressed his palm to Zhou Luoyang’s palm, separated by the glass.\n

“Love you,” Zhou Luoyang said seriously. “See you later.”\n

Zhou Luoyang was always very straightforward. But Du Jing was a shy person, so he switched to English when he replied, “Me too.”\n

Zhou Luoyang hung up and returned to his home in Huizhou feeling worried. Du Jing was still in the dorms, and Zhou Luoyang would text him every morning and noon. Du Jing responded promptly to each message. Zhou Luoyang knew he hadn’t left the university yet; he was living there alone, and every day he read books at the library.\n

At night, Zhou Luoyang would video call him and make sure he was doing okay. During the calls, each of them would set their phone down and do their own thing—Zhou Luoyang gamed at home, while Du Jing did what he always did in the dorm: shower, read, feed the turtle, and sleep.\n

<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nOn the evening of the twenty-seventh day of the twelfth lunar month, Zhou Luoyang and Fang Zhou went out to a bar to get drinks and shoot dice. Du Jing called Zhou Luoyang before Zhou Luoyang could video call him first. After rejecting it, Zhou Luoyang sent him a text that said: I’ll be home late today.\n

“Oh? You’re dating?” Fang Zhou asked when he noticed the incoming video call.\n

“My roommate,” he explained.\n

“Who are you trying to kid? Video calling this late at night,” Fang Zhou scoffed, “how could it not be a girl? Gimme, let me see.”\n

“It really isn’t!” Zhou Luoyang denied. “Wanna see for yourself?”\n

Fang Zhou skimmed the chat log between Du Jing and Zhou Luoyang. He couldn’t mistake the tone of the messages—they were definitely sent by a man. And he could tell too that they weren’t dating. The corners of his lips twitched. \n

“You’re very close,” Fang Zhou observed somewhat enviously.\n

Truthfully, there was a reason Zhou Luoyang had invited Fang Zhou out for drinks. “Right, I remember your uncle’s a psychiatrist. I wanted his advice on something. Could you help ask for me?”\n

“Why do you want to ask him? He’s nearly gone nutty himself.”\n

“I wanted to ask his advice about…something related to depression.”\n

Fang Zhou was alarmed. “Are you alright?”\n

After some deliberation, Zhou Luoyang said, “A…friend from class has depression. I wanted to ask how to interact with someone like that.” When he saw Fang Zhou’s face, he tacked on, “It’s a girl.”\n

He didn’t want Fang Zhou to know Du Jing had this disorder, since they might meet each other in the future. By saying that, he could draw Fang Zhou’s suspicions away.\n

And sure enough, Fang Zhou inquired, “A girl you want to get together with? Has she been formally diagnosed?”\n

“I don’t like her like that, exactly,” Zhou Luoyang said a bit guiltily, averting his gaze. “I just want her to be able to live a little more happily.”\n

“You know, Luoyang, I don’t mean to be insensitive, but you’re better off not dating someone with depression. It’s really draining. Once you make your decision, it’s a lifelong thing; you can’t give up.”\n

Zhou Luoyang repeated, “I don’t like her like that. We’re just friends right now. Don’t worry, I can handle it.”\n

“Alright, I’ll contact him for you,” Fang Zhou said, resigned.\n

Zhou Luoyang could immediately guess what Fang Zhou was thinking. “You know you can’t convince me, so you’re hoping your uncle will be able to, right? I really wasn’t planning on getting together with her. I just want to understand it better.”\n

Fang Zhou didn’t buy it, not even a little bit. “If she’s really just a normal friend to you, why would you go out of your way to ask about this? Be honest. Do you like her?”\n

Zhou Luoyang had no choice but to resort to silence in order to prevent Fang Zhou from digging more information out of him.\n

“What kind of girl is she?” Fang Zhou asked, scooting closer.\n

Zhou Luoyang took a sip of his drink and shot Fang Zhou a threatening glare—Keep prodding and I’ll make you regret it.\n

<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nFootnotes:\n

<ol>The CET is a mandatory English proficiency exam for university students in China. There’s the CET-4 and the CET-6; CET-6 is the harder one. [Back]</ol>\n<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nThis is the very first VIP chapter of Tiandi Baiju on JJWXC, so I just wanted to take the time to remind everyone to please purchase the novel on JJWXC to support the author if you can! The guide on how to do so is at the very top of my novel info page. \n

<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nTranslated by beansprout. Edited by opal.\n

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