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<h6 class="has-text-align-center wp-block-heading">Content warning for ableism from side characters.</h6>\nPast\nIt all started late one night.\n
Zhou Luoyang realized that Du Jing hadnât posted to this Weibo side account for nearly half a month now. Whether this was a good or a bad thing he wasnât sure.\n
Had Du Jing found out that heâd been spying on it? Zhou Luoyang knew that what he was doing wasnât right. After all, secretly reading his roommateâs personal posts, which were practically diary entries, was verging on a violation of privacy. Many times he told himself he would quit and stop opening that webpage, but then he would sometimes see Du Jing sitting and staring off into space, and he would just feel so worried.\n
Ever since he was a child, Zhou Luoyang had never been the type to be terribly curious. When he discovered that side account, what had gripped him wasnât the desire to stick his nose into a new novelty. At first, heâd only been frightened by the words âI want to die more and more.â\n
The arrival of winter meant that the weather was getting colder and colder. Temperatures dropped sharply across all of eastern China. Perhaps because of the changing of seasons, Du Jingâs behavior became a little strange, as if his speech and thoughts had been frozen by the plummeting temperatures. That night, Zhou Luoyang didnât look at Du Jingâs Weibo. At eleven, he left a lamp on for Du Jing as he always did, put on an eye mask, and went to sleep.\n
Some time later, the sound of knocking startled Zhou Luoyang awake.\n
âWho is it?â After being woken up with a start from his dreams, Zhou Luoyangâs heart was ready to pound right out of his chest.\n
âItâs me!â It was the class monitorâs voice. âZhou Luoyang, are you sleeping?â\n
Bewildered, Zhou Luoyang got up and discovered that the light in the dorm had been turned off, and his eye mask had been taken off by someoneâhe didnât know when.\n
âDu Jing?â\n
The other bed was empty. All of a sudden, Zhou Luoyang felt like something was off. He quickly got up and turned the lights on, and sure enough, Du Jingâs bed was as empty as anything. He opened the door and let the class monitor in.\n
âOn the way back from the internet cafe, they found your roommate by the lake. That Du Jing guyâŠâ\n
At that, Zhou Luoyang suddenly heard a loud rumbling in his skull, but fortunately the rest of the class monitorâs sentence allowed him to keep calm.\n
ââŠHe was sitting by the lake and wouldnât talk to anyone. Is everything okay? Did you two have a fight? Would you go talk him around? Is anything wrong?â\n
Zhou Luoyang quickly got dressed and followed the class monitor downstairs. He apologized to the dorm supervisor and wondered how Du Jing had gotten out. Had he climbed down from the second floor? When did he leave? Why would he go to the lake all by himself in the middle of the night?\n
It was two in the morning. Strong gales swept through Hangzhou, and in the winter night that continued to grow colder and colder, pitch-black darkness blanketed the lakeside. On their way back to school, some male students from the mechanical engineering class happened upon a lone figure sitting by the lake and received quite a fright. After approaching the figure and asking some questions, they discovered that it was Du Jing, the guy who never spoke.\n
All Du Jing did was nod silently and dispassionately. He was always like this, day and night. But in the eyes of the other students, it seemed extremely strange.\n
They didnât know how to deal with the situation either, so they knocked on the class monitorâs door to let him know about it. The class monitor called Zhou Luoyang, but the call went unanswered, so he went looking for him to ask him to resolve the situation.\n
When Zhou Luoyang arrived, there were still a couple of male students keeping watch nearby.\n
They did not think well of Du Jing in the least. For the most part, they were doing this out of consideration for Zhou Luoyang. Of course, they also couldnât just turn a blind eye to a living, breathing person who was clearly in some kind of trouble.\n
Zhou Luoyang quietly thanked them. He indicated that he could take care of things himself and that they could head back since it was so terribly cold out. Athletic pants and a thin jacket did nothing to fend off the wind, and his teeth chattered.\n
âDu Jing?â Zhou Luoyang didnât dare get too close.\n
When Du Jing heard Zhou Luoyangâs voice, he suddenly turned around. Zhou Luoyang couldnât see his face clearly in the darkness.\n
âLuoyang?â Du Jing asked, puzzled, and walked toward him.\n
Zhou Luoyang nearly sagged in relief at this reaction. âWhy arenât you sleeping?â\n
Du Jing could hear the tremors in Zhou Luoyangâs voice. He quickly took off his coat and gave it to Zhou Luoyang. âItâs too cold! Go back, quickly!â\n
âI didnât see you in your bedâŠâ Zhou Luoyang said. âWhat are you doing at the lake all by yourself in the middle of the night?â\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nZhou Luoyang only felt a little bit better once they returned to the dormitory. His hands were so cold theyâd turned red. Du Jing wrapped a hand around Zhou Luoyangâs without so much as a by-your-leave. His other hand held a glass bottle filled with mud. This was Zhou Luoyangâs first time holding hands with a man, but Du Jingâs palm was warm, driving away his worries.\n
Zhou Luoyang glanced at the bottle of mud Du Jing was holding and asked, âYou went down at two in the morning to dig for this?â\n
Du Jing hummed in agreement. âI remembered to do it all of a sudden. I couldnât sleep anyway, so I just sat by the lake for a while.â\n
âInsomnia again,â Zhou Luoyang noted, caught between laughter and tears. âYou couldnât have gone in the daytime?â\n
The two returned to their room. Zhou Luoyang sent the class monitor a text to let him know everything was fineâit was just a false alarm. Du Jing poured the wet mud into their heated turtle tank, smoothed it out, then washed his hands. Theyâd picked up this Chinese pond turtle off the side of the road when they were walking past Leifeng Pagoda<sup>1</sup> once.\n
At the time, this little guy had crawled its way past the guardrails and was peering this way and that, trying to avoid being stepped on by pedestrians. Someone had clearly bought it to set it freeâwho knew how it had slipped out?\n
Zhou Luoyang picked it up and put it in his bag. He was planning on releasing it back into the Freeing Pond<sup>2</sup>, but Du Jing stopped him, his reason being that there were a lot of yellow-bellied slider turtles in the Freeing Pond, and he was worried it would get bullied.\n
So Zhou Luoyang brought this ownerless creature back to their dorm and ordered a heated tank online. But it always refused to eat, perhaps because of its new environment. So Du Jing said, âLet me think of an idea.â\n
The idea he came up with was to create a miniature imitation of its natural environment and add in some plants, and perhaps that would soothe some of the little pond turtleâs fear of this unfamiliar new world.\n
After sorting everything out, the two went back to bed. Zhou Luoyang could still see Du Jingâs phone screen aglow over on his bed, casting its light onto Du Jingâs handsome, transfixed face.\n
âCan you fall asleep? Want to sleep over here?â asked Zhou Luoyang.\n
âI can.â After posting on Weibo, Du Jing turned off his phone screen.\n
Before going to sleep, Zhou Luoyang couldnât resist taking a peek at the first Weibo post on Du Jingâs side account in half a month.\n
[I hope this little guy can keep hanging on tenaciously, just like me.]ă\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nThe next morning, Zhou Luoyang was still wondering about the meaning behind that Weibo post, as well as Du Jingâs frame of mind when heâd sat all alone by the lakeside in the cold wind. Was he just an unconventional person, or was he feeling unwell and couldnât control himself?\n
âHey, Luoyang.â\n
In his mechanical engineering class, a classmate sat down next to him and asked, âWas everything okay with your roommate last night?â\n
Zhou Luoyang recognized him as one of the people whoâd found Du Jing sitting alone by the lake and quickly nodded. âHow about I treat you guys to lunch? Last night, Du Jing was justâŠâ\n
The student glanced at the podium, where their professor was going over key topics for the final exam. This was the last class before New Yearâs. Du Jing had gone to participate in his archery orgâs activities. At noon, the org was going to hold a group lunch, and at night, Zhou Luoyang had invited him out to celebrate New Yearâs with him.\n
âTake a look at this.â He interrupted Zhou Luoyang and sent him a BBS<sup>3</sup> article on his phone.\n
[Is someone with such serious mental illness allowed to attend university?]\n
Zhou Luoyang found himself at a loss all of a sudden. He looked at his classmate, and the classmate beckoned for him to keep reading.\n
Zhou Luoyangâs first thought was: Did Du Jing post this? But as he kept on reading, he realized that it fortunately was not.\n
The poster was an ordinary student whoâd remained anonymous. They described âsomeone with a mental disorderâ who lived below them in their dorm building:\n
Thought something was off about him ever since military training, because he would wash a kettle over and over again. He would spend nearly twenty minutes every day washing that kettle. Some people have also unintentionally caught sight of him taking large amounts of medication every day.\n
Itâs said he always sits in the last row and wonât talk to anyone. Heâll flip through his book from the first page to the last page at lightning speed, then go back to the first page. He often has an eraser wedged between his ring finger and little finger. His gaze is gloomy and chilling. Heâs fully dressed when he comes to class, but he always carries an extra coat. Some people have watched himâthey say he brings that coat to class for no reason, that he leaves without ever putting it on.\n
Rumor has it that the window seat in the last row is his designated seat. In the drawer of that seat, they discovered neat rows of pull-tab cans that had their tops cut off with a box cutter. Some people have inspected them and found that the rims of the cans are razor-sharp and bloodstained.\n
Heâs always the first one to pack up and leave, whether the professor is finished with the lecture or not. When thereâs only one open door in the classroom, heâll walk out the door up front as everyone watches.\n
Whenever heâs not in class, heâs in his dorm room. He never comes out to group dinners and never replies on WeChat. Earlier on, you would see him and his roommate coming to communal classes together, but both stopped showing up later on.\n
Some people later noticed him awake in the middle of the night on multiple occasions. Heâll pace aimlessly outside the dorm building sometime past three in the morning. At around three of four, heâll start talking to a tree.\n
Or in the dead of a winter night, heâll simply sit on a bench by the lake.\n
People say that when he started school, his records said he has bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression. When this type of disorder acts up, will its patients self-harm or commit suicide? How frightening.\n
Zhou Luoyang knew that this had to be describing Du Jing.\n
Underneath it, there was a comment from the Office of Academic Affairs: [The studentâs feedback has been received. We will carry out an investigation and provide a fair response as soon as possible.]\n
Further down, there were more anonymous comments: [I know who youâre talking about. I think thereâs something wrong with him too. Walking around in the middle of the night is just too scary.]\n
Anonymous comment: [Automation, right? I know him too. Maybe heâs sleepwalking?]\n
Anonymous comment: [Is it that scar face?]\n
Anonymous comment: (Comment removed by administrators)\n
Anonymous comment: (Comment removed by administrators)\n
Zhou Luoyang: ââŠâŠâ\n
Zhou Luoyang was well and truly furious when he read the last couple of comments, and he was unable to speak for a long while.\n
âThat bottom comment was asking if his name is Du Jing,â the student said. âThe mods deleted it. But quite a few people are asking if he got depressed last night and wanted to try something.â\n
For a moment, Zhou Luoyang didnât know how to respond. Finally, he settled on: âHe wasnât. Itâs not like heâs affecting anyoneâs daily lives. Why do they have to go on the BBS to gossip about this?â\n
âI agree, I completely agree,â the student said. âNo one knows who the original poster is. Iâm just worried about you. Is it true heâs on medication? Whatâs his disorder anyway?â\n
At first, Zhou Luoyang wanted to say, âI donât know, he didnât tell me.â But then he thought better of it and said instead, âI didnât ask him. I didnât want to ask about someone elseâs private business.â\n
âHe hasnât done anything to you, has he?â the student asked. He was one of the people in the class who got along quite well with Zhou Luoyang. âDo you wanna change dorms next semester?â\n
âNo need, heâs very normal. We use those cans to plant plants in our dorm,â Zhou Luoyang said stiffly.\n
His classmate patted him on the shoulder sympathetically and nodded, dropping the topic. Incensed, Zhou Luoyang logged into his own account and reported each and every comment on the grounds that they violated student privacy. Then he typed out a long string of âother reasons for reporting,â but after some thought, he deleted it all. Five minutes later, he was still just as heated, and so he clicked report again and typed out an additional reply to the post. After reporting it five or six times, he finally felt a bit better.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nAfter his first and second lectures ended, Zhou Luoyang decided he might as well not attend his next one. Everyone was resting in their seats. He stuck his book under his arm and headed out the front door without taking his leave.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nâWho posted this?â Zhou Luoyang arrived at the door of the automation classroom and held up his phone for Du Jingâs class monitor to see.\n
All the classes that day were going over what was going to be covered on their final exams. The class monitor took the phone and gave it a glance before quietly replying, âNo clue. Iâve kept an eye on everyone, and I donât think itâs anyone from our class. Even though everyone feels like he doesnât get along with the rest of us very well, it hasnât gotten to the point where anyone would do something like this. Some of these statements are only rumors. Iâm not sure if you noticed, but itâs all hearsay. I trust that itâs not anyone from our class.â\n
They had obviously all seen this post. Zhou Luoyang was silent for a beat. Then he asked, âHas he offended anyone else?â\n
âYou would know better than us. We hardly ever interact with him. Why didnât Du Jing come to class today? Was everything okay with him last night?â\n
âHeâs still sleeping in our dorm.â\n
Zhou Luoyang walked past the class monitor and made his way to an automation student he knew. He stuck his phone out in front of him, showing him the webpage on the screen.\n
The student only glanced at it briefly before looking back at Zhou Luoyang. He furrowed his brows and shook his head. What he meant was: Zhou Luoyang, the professorâs still up at the podium.\n
âI donât know,â he said. âAt first we were wondering if it was you who posted it.â\n
Zhou Luoyang truly didnât know whether to laugh or cry. He sighed.\n
This was a large class. The two automation classes took it together. Everyone noticed that Zhou Luoyang had come, and they all subtly raised their heads, looking up at him.\n
âZhou Luoyang, if somethingâs the matter, why donât you wait to ask once class is over?â the professor said.\n
The class monitor texted him, Luoyang, the counselorâs looking for you. He wants you to go to his office. You should probably go.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nIn the meeting room, the counselor, the universityâs vice president, and the old professor that Zhou Luoyangâs grandfather knew were all present. When Zhou Luoyang walked in, he nodded at the old professor and greeted, âGrandpa Qi.â\n
âHello, Luoyang. Howâs your grandfatherâs health?â asked Professor Qi.\n
âHeâs alright,â Zhou Luoyang said. âHeâs been recuperating ever since his stroke the year before last. Now he can walk around again, although he canât do anything too strenuous like taking the stairs.â\n
He and Professor Qi werenât very close. When he was younger, theyâd met a handful of times, but that was the extent of it. After coming to this school, heâd never paid him a visit at his home, either, since Professor Qi didnât really like people going to his house.\n
The only thing Zhou Luoyang really knew was that he and his grandfather had been kept in the cowsheds<sup>4</sup> together. But this retired professor had high seniority in this school, and he typically wouldnât be summoned over nothing. That meant only one thing: they really had planned on holding a meeting today to discuss Du Jing. Zhou Luoyang had only been called over in passing.\n
âSince they suggested it,â said the counselor, âI invited you as well.â\n
The counselor had a doctorate in engineering, and he looked just the way one might expect of someone with a doctorate degree. He was in charge of the two mechanical engineering classes and the two automation classes. In total, these four classes amounted to a little over 140 students. Zhou Luoyang had received a special favor and roomed in the Tingpu building, so he rarely ran into him. In fact, he hardly ever came into contact with any faculty; the university had quite a laissez-faire attitude toward its students.\n
The vice president, on the other hand, was a severe middle-aged female professor. She asked, âWhat were you up to just now, Luoyang?â\n
Zhou Luoyang had only ever seen her at general assemblies, and theyâd never spoken before. But the vice president called him Luoyang, which clearly meant she was shortening the distance between them on account of Professor Qi. \n
The counselor thought for a moment and asked, âHas Du Jingâs recent situation worried you?â\n
Zhou Luoyang was still thinking over his answer when Professor Qi said, âDu Jingâs grandmother was once a very good friend of mine. Later, she left the country for a period of time. His mother eventually got ahold of me through some acquaintances and hoped that I could look after him on her behalf. This child is very stubborn inside.\n
âI asked the faculty heads to have you two live together,â Professor Qi continued, âbut I didnât tell you about his pain. Please forgive me for that, Luoyang. Youâve always been a kindhearted person, ever since you were a child. My motive was that I believed you and Du Jing could become friends.â\n
âI just donât understand,â Zhou Luoyang responded. âHe hasnât gotten in anyoneâs way, so why would anyone go onto the BBS and complain about him to the university? If he doesnât like the collectivist life, then he shouldnât live it. Must everyone become one with the collective and live in perfect harmony? What decade are we living in? Why havenât the administrators deleted the post even after I reported it so many times?â\n
âThatâs not what we meant,â the counselor said. âYou misunderstand. Zhou Luoyang, he has a certain degree of impairment, psychologically speaking. Has he told you about his disorder?â\n
âI never asked.â\n
âHe has a condition called bipolar disorder. Itâs a mood disorder. But when he was admitted to our school, I looked over his case history and saw that he generally doesnât have any issues living day-to-day life,â the vice president said.\n
âBP is very highly heritable. Research on this disorder is still in its early stages, both domestically and internationally. Itâs not considered schizophreniaâof that you can be reassured,â Professor Qi added.\n
âI wasnât not reassured,â Zhou Luoyang responded. âHeâs been taking his meds every day, a lot of it. His mood has never gone out of control before, and heâs never attacked anyone.â\n
The counselor said, âYes, thatâs right. I looked at his case historyâheâs currently in the observation phase and needs to keep up with his medication and treatment. Itâs just that his running out in the middle of the night is indeed a little bitâŠâ\n
âJianlan,â Professor Qi called out to the vice president.\n
The vice president nodded and assured, âSir, you donât need to worry.â\n
âHe often has insomnia,â Zhou Luoyang said. âA lot of the time, heâs unable to sleep all night. Iâll be sure to remind him not to go out. If the other students feel that heâs disturbing them, Iâll ask him about renting a private apartment with me.â\n
âIs it that serious?â The counselorâs specialty wasnât in psychology, and he was startled by his words.\n
âBipolar disorder is a disorder that involves both mania and depression,â the vice president, Li Jianlan, explained. âIt requires medication to keep it under control. With our current standard of treatment, if all goes according to plan, patients will need to take medication for their entire lives. Heâs in a particularly difficult situation, one in which he experiences mixed manic and depressive episodes.â\n
âIâve never seen him have an episode,â Zhou Luoyang said. âHe just doesnât seem to like interacting with people very much, thatâs all.â\n
âHeâs likely staying very vigilant as well.â Professor Qi took off his glasses, and the vice president handed him a cloth lens wipe so that he could clean them.\n
âLuoyang,â Professor Qi began after a moment of contemplation. âThe human heart is very complicated. Perhaps the poster has never had any interaction with him. Perhaps theyâre complete and utter strangers. Maybe there wasnât even any reasoning behind all this. But if you had experienced the era we did, you would understand that many condemnations arise for no reason at all. Theyâre born from the most insignificant passing thoughts.â\n
The counselor immediately added, âTo tell the truth, a student climbing over the gates and walking aimlessly back and forth outside the dorms in the middle of the night really tends to unsettle people. Also, the box cutter and the cans really are a bitâŠâ\n
âI understand,â Zhou Luoyang said.\n
In fact, those who knew Du Jing were the least likely to talk about him behind his back. Zhou Luoyang understood this as well, and he believed Du Jingâs classmates. Even though everyone maintained a respectful distance, he could tell from military practice that everyone was nonetheless accepting of him.\n
âDo you chat with each other in your dorm?â the counselor then asked. âDoes he have any peculiar tendencies? For exampleâŠâ\n
âWe do,â said Zhou Luoyang, âall the time.â\n
Zhou Luoyang didnât tell them about the Weibo side account, nor did he further elucidate Du Jingâs âordinarinessâ. After all, the three people in front of him were all brilliant, and repetitively emphasizing this point would only make him seem lacking in confidence.\n
The vice president said, âIâve considered whether we should have Du Jing live alone, but if he doesnât get any human interaction for long periods of time, perhapsâŠâ\n
âI like the way things are right now.â Zhou Luoyang wasnât at all angry that theyâd hid Du Jingâs disorder from him. If he were to decide for himself, he wouldâve requested to live with Du Jing after getting to know him anyway.\n
The counselor asked the vice president and Professor Qi, âWhy donât we have him move in with me and move Zhou Luoyang into a different dorm room?â\n
âThatâs not necessary,â Zhou Luoyang said. âI like him. I really like him.â\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nFootnotes:\n
<ol>Literally âthunder summit.â Located by West Lake. [Back]Many Buddhist temples have a Freeing Pond (æŸçæ± ), where believers can set free animals such as fish or turtles. According to the Great Treatise on the Perfection of Wisdom, killing is the greatest sin, while not killing is the greatest virtue. For each animal one releases, one gains merit, which brings good and agreeable results, determines the quality of the next life, and contributes to a personâs progress towards enlightenment. Leifeng Pagodaâs Freeing Pond has lots of turtles! Please see the bottom of this page for a picture. [Back]Bulletin board system. In this context, itâs basically like a forum for the students of their university. [Back]During Chinaâs Cultural Revolution, academics and intellectuals who were deemed ideological deviants would be detained in what were colloquially known as âcowshedsâ (çæŁ) because of their poor living conditions. There they would experience humiliation, re-education, and sometimes physical punishment or struggle sessions. (Ji Xianlin wrote a book about his experience in a cowshed if youâre interested in reading more about them.) [Back]</ol>\n<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><figcaption>Leifeng Pagodaâs Freeing Pond. The turtles are crowded along the edge of the island.</figcaption></figure>\n<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nTranslated by beansprout. Emotional support provided by yunyun :>\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nhi welcome to my soapbox đ so uh typically you donât want to actually pick up wild turtles and keep them as pets or set captive turtles free, because thatâll transmit diseases between captive and wild turtles, mess with native and invasive turtle populations, and cause all sorts of other nasty problems. but theirs is a unique situation.\n
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