Al’s hand was tracing my cheek, his hand wet. Then I realized that I was actually crying.
“So you really dread it to the point of crying. Sorry, I didn’t notice you feel tormented that much. I’ll contact the academy.” Al covered my cheeks with both his hands, and then kissed the corner of my eye.
“No. It’s not like that. I’ll go to the academy.” I shook my head sideways.
Al treated me gently. He tried to cater to my every whim. When I made a fuss to not go to the academy, he also tried to pull strings like now. Then we were told that it was compulsory, even Al was not able to do anything about it.
For Al, who knew nothing about the BL game, my refusal to go might only seem like my willfulness, but he still would do that far.
In the four years Al had been taking care of me, I already got used to him embracing me. I also obediently accepted being kissed on my cheeks or on my forehead. Well, when in front of other people, I would be so embarrassed I’d roughly shrug him off.
Also taking a walk while holding hands, as well as being fed with a spoon to my mouth, and feeling at ease whenever I leaned on Al. In these four years, all those had become normal interactions between us.
Al never failed to always be by my side. He touched me, he embraced me, and he kissed me.
……But, only that. Nothing further than that.
This kind of felt like fatherly touches towards a son. Even though we were now actually engaged…. We never kissed on our lips. Even when he forced me to take a bath together, he only washed my body. Countless nights we have slept together, but we only cuddled.
Was it because I’m a male, that Al was not interested in me after all? Since this was the world of a BL game, I naturally thought it was normal for the people here to love another of the same sex. Was it possible this was only limited to the MC Louie but not everyone else?
I tightly clenched both my fists. I knew my face was blushing. My heart beat like crazy. I was extremely embarrassed for what I was about to do.
“Al…. Urmmm…. You see, about that….”
“Hn, what is it?” Al’s hand left my cheeks, next he played with my hair.
“Tha-that ‘duel’ we had yesterday….”
“Oh, you mentioned that its name was ‘Othello’. It really was an interesting game1. Next time let’s play it with Bailard and the others. They’ll sure like it.”
“Ye-yes. That’s right. So I won this time…”
“Aaah, although it was my first time playing, I was completely defeated. Fania, you may ask for anything you want. Really, it has been a long time since we last had a ‘duel’.” Al smiled joyfully despite losing this time.
Would he still smile at me once he heard the terrible thing I was about to say?
“Al…. Urmmm…. Urm…… I, I want you to embrace me.”
“…………..EH?” Al froze hearing my words.
“I don’t mean embrace as in ‘hug me’, but…. se—-sexually…….”
Saying it by myself was truly embarrassing. I knew my face must be flushed red.
I understood that Al was only around me out of a sense of duty. However, the BL game would start tomorrow. So today might be the last day he was being nice to me, and looking straight at me.
Before Al hates me, before I turn mad from jealousy. I want to have a memory of Al and I together. Even after being away from Al and living by myself, maybe I can survive with this memory inside me.
“Sor-sorry. I know Al doesn’t look at me in that way. But, even only once….”
No, my voice turned smaller and smaller. I could no longer look at Al, so I gazed down.
“It-it must be disgusting between two men. I-I know you must find me a nuisance….Uwah!”
I shut my eyes tight to avoid tears, so I didn’t see Al. Suddenly, I was hugged in a tight embrace, my body bent backward.
“Why are you saying that!”
My body stiffened with Al’s strong words. At once, the floodgate of tears was opened.
“Sorry Al. I’m sorry.”
”
”
I am such a selfish person. A jerk who takes advantage on Al’s kindness.
“Do you know just how much I’m restraining myself?”
“Eh……”
“Fania is so slender, and your body is frail. Do you know how much I’ve been restraining myself because I know I cannot force you. Fania, you don’t know, you completely don’t know! If the brake inside me is no longer working, the one who’ll suffer will be you, Fania!”
“Urmm…..”
I couldn’t understand what Al was talking about. With tears still streaming down, I looked up at Al.
“That’s why! Ahhh, I’ll lose it when you make that face.” My body was stumped with Al’s loud voice. I didn’t know what I should do anymore.
Al drew his hand on my cheek. Maybe I was imagining, but that hand seemed to be trembling.
“Fania…. Fania also loves me, is that okay for me to think that? Can I think that you love me so much, that you don’t mind me embracing you?” Al who was called a selfish prince or an arrogant prince actually asked with an unconfident voice, it felt weird.
With the BL game starting, no matter how ugly a villainous noble son I would turn out, definitely this feeling will stay unchanged. Even if I were to be convicted, or sent to the labour camp, I love Al. I will never bear a grudge towards Al.
“Of course I love you…. I love you, Al. I only love Al.”
I gazed into Al’s eyes, and for the first time, I lay my feelings bare.