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TMLP Ch. 45 — You Are the First
The sound of horses’ hooves clattering regularly pushed the silence away.
Inside the swaying carriage, I awoke from my slumber in the carriage’s vibration.
“Are you awake?”
I heard Caesar’s voice above my head, and I realized I was asleep on his shoulder.
His cloak was draped over my shoulders. How attentive.
“We will arrive at the duke’s estate soon. I was just about to wake you up.”
“Mmm.”
“I have a foreign business tomorrow, so there won’t be swordsmanship class. Do you know that, Master?”
“Mmm.”
“And the cake you said was delicious earlier, I’ve ordered it separately and sent it to the duke’s estate. Share with Leonard and Agott+h.”
“Haa.”
“Are you not awake yet, Helena?”
Caesar questioned my vague answer. His cheek was warm against my forehead.
I leaned back against him without saying a word, with my eyes open. He, too, didn’t say anything as if he was going to wait for me to wake up.
The sound of horses walking past the paving stones was pleasant. In fact, I’ve been awake for a long time.
“I’m going to confess.”
“You already confessed, Helena.”
At my words, Caesar spoke in a voice mixed with laughter. It seemed like I was still talking in my sleep.
“Not to you.”
“Oh, really? Then to whom? Who should I kill?”
I can’t believe you said this while smiling. He was saying it lightly as if it’s a joke, but it was probably not a joke.
I got up and faced Caesar and said.
“I want to tell Agoth. That I’m in love with Caesar.”
“She’s coming to kill me.”
Caesar laughed bitterly.
“What does that mean? Does my confession have to cause casualties?”
“If the opponent is Agoth, I can’t think of any other reaction.”
“That’s true, it’s to be expected…”
The two of us groaned at the same time.
“Well, liking me means that you need that level of determination.”
“I have to risk my life? How can you be such a difficult princess to have?”
“So, you don’t like it?”
Hmmm? I tilted my head.
Caesar’s eyes widened at the cute act that I had never shown before—actually, it’s hard to call it cute act, but for me, it was already an expression that I’ve pulled out of my will.
Then, soon, his face melted and he hugged me tightly. Very tightly..
“I will risk… my life…!”
“There, there. Be nice.”
Pat, pat. I patted Caesar on the back, and Caesar huffed. His breath tickled the back of my neck.
Was he holding back laughter or resignation? I didn’t ask until the end.
***
When should I say it?
I sat on the couch in the hallway, and thought as I watched Agoth open the hallway windows for ventilation.
If I was too serious, the atmosphere would turn heavy. But I didn’t think it  was something to say lightly.
‘Mmmm. Why do I find it harder than talking to my parents?’
Most of all, I was most worried about the fact that I had taught Agoth killing sword moves.
Well, since I’ve I taught Caesar the same thing, I guess it should be alright?
No, wait. Isn’t it more dangerous?
“Come to think of it, you’re not going to the Imperial Palace today.”
As I said nothing, Agoth talked to me first. I nodded lightly as I watched her open the window latch.
“Mm, it seems that Caesar has some foreign affairs today.”
“I see. I hope you can get a good rest. You’ve been busy lately, haven’t you?”
“I did…”
“Would you like me to bring you some snacks to your room? We still have the chocolate cake that Viscount Noct sent us yesterday.”
“Ah, that cake…”
I remembered the whole cake I had eaten at the cafe with Caesar.
Oh, I didn’t eat with Caesar. I was with Caesar, but I ate alone.
“How was it, Agoth? Did you try it yesterday?”
“Yes. Young Master asked us to eat together, so I ate a piece. It was really delicious.”
“Right? I knew it.”
Agoth’s response was good, so I sat up with a big smile.
‘This might be an opportunity!’
If I appealed to the fact that the cake was actually chosen and sent by Caesar, Caesar’s score in Agoth’s heart might rise a bit!
“That cake, in fact, was brought by Caesar.”
“Oh. Haha.”
Agoth raised one corner of her mouth and smiled briefly.
It should be an expression of gratitude, but her expression showed that she didn’t want to thank him.
“Does Agoth still hate Caesar?”
“It’s not that I hate him… It’s because he keeps trying to monopolize my lady.”
“Hmm.”
“That’s what happened yesterday. You left without me, the servant. It must be because of him, right?”
I couldn’t say no.
Since it was a date, wasn’t it a little bit too much if I brought a servant with me? Speaking of it, it was annoying that Caesar’s guards were clinging to us the whole time.
“And I know he has a talent for swords, but do you know how much he ignores people?”
“Really? He got along well with my brother.”
“That’s because our young master is kind. That guy scoffed at me so as not to disturb my lady’s reputation!”
“Oh dear. Did he? You must have been upset.”
“Well… I also rebutted that His Highness is ‘the number one public enemy who annoys my lady’, so it’s okay.”
You never lose against the crown prince, Agoth. You’re indeed the child I brought.
This is a big deal, by the way. The resentment between the two of them seems deeper than I thought.
In the end, I groaned in deep agony.
“You know, Agoth.”
“Yes, my lady.”
“Just in case. If I were to be in a relationship with Caesar… What do you think?”
Clack.
Hukk, Agoth broke the window handle! Calm down, Agoth!
Agoth looked at me, trembling. I never knew that the human pupil could shake so much.
“I-I-I-In a… r-r-relationship…”
“Agoth, breathe.”
I’m doomed. Did I press a button that shouldn’t be pressed?
“Ah— ahaha. Right. Just in case. It’s alright. If that happens… nevermind. Yohohoho.”
My face went blank.
I closed my eyes with a Hmm. If I say it now, it seems that Agoth will faint.
But how long am I going to stay silent? She’ll be even more disappointed if she caught me later.
‘I have to tell her.’
I took a deep breath, then opened my eyes again and looked at Agoth.
“Agoth, I’ll be honest with you.”
I sat up straight and said to Agoth.
“What do you mean, lady?”
“It’s not ‘if’.”
“Pardon?”
“Caesar and I.”
Tung. Tung, tung.
The window handle that was in Agoth’s hand fell to the floor. I followed the broken handle rolling over with my eyes.
There was an unpleasant silence for a while. I gulped down my saliva in the turbulent air. The atmosphere felt like something was about to explode.
After a while.
Agoth slumped in front of me, grabbed the hem of my skirt, and shouted.
“Why do you have to be with that sly snake!?”
“Uhukk!”
Agoth began to shed tears like chicken dung. No, wait. Why are you crying all of a sudden?!
[T/N: I have written the same kind of note three times including this time but I forgot if it’s this novel or the other, so here I go again with the short version… Chicken dung-like-tears is a metaphorical term for very thick tears.]
“Why?! Why on earth does it have to be His Highness?! I mean, it’s such a waste! There are many better men! If you look for it, there must be a lot of good people like young master, so why!?”
“But I can’t marry my brother.”
“Marry?!”
Agoth looked like she was going to faint. Yikes, was marriage also a taboo word?
“Are you already engaged?! Are you getting married soon?! Are you going to the Imperial Palace?! You’re not abandoning me, are you?!”
“What? No. Why would I abandon you?”
“Please don’t abandon me! Hwaaaaa!”
Ah.
Agoth still feared being abandoned.
I got off the couch and sat at eye level in front of Agoth. As I sat down on the floor, Agoth shuddered.
I smiled as I wiped Agoth’s tears with the back of my hand.
“We haven’t even talked about the engagement yet, let alone the marriage. And even if I go to Hell instead of the Imperial Palace, I will take Agoth with me.”
“Really? Are you serious?”
“Sure. Of course.”
Only then did relief creep into Agoth’s face. Did this kid think that Hell is also good as long as she’s by my side?
“And I wish Agoth can like the person I like, because Agoth is someone I like, too. Can you do that?”
Agoth was silent for a moment.
She just stared at me with tears in her eyes.
She seemed to be lost in thought for a long time, and soon bowed down. Tears that had collected splashed down on the floor.
“I actually knew. It was just a shock to hear it in person.”
“Yes. I see. You knew— Mm?”
What?!
“Ah, you knew?!”
“His Highness likes you. I can’t tell but notice because he shows it so openly, and since I’m so close to you… how could I not know about your feelings… Sniff.”
Wow, can it be like this?
Did everyone in the world really know my feelings except for me?
“I see… You knew…”
Oh, I’m suddenly losing my energy. What happens to my nervous energy before this dangerous confession? Ahaha.
“…?”
Agoth held my hands as I was shedding a dejected smile.
I turned my head and looked at Agoth. Agoth was still staring at me with a tearful face, but her eyes were determined.
“You must be happy.”
That’s a strange thing to say. I don’t think that’s grammatically correct either.
[T/N: I have no idea how to explain this. But that one sentence is somewhere between Please, be happy, You will certainly be happy and You have to be happy, at any cost. It can sound forceful or hopeful depending on how the receiver perceive it.]
But I couldn’t point that out. At least, I think that Agoth’s sincerity was sufficiently conveyed through that strange sentence.
I tilted my head and smiled bitterly.
Agoth’s affection was overflowing, and somehow my heart was full.
“Yes, I will.”
“Ugh… This Agoth wants to make the lady happy too!”
But the bluff was short-lived. Agoth finally burst out crying and clung to my neck.
I burst into laughter as I hugged Agoth. Agoth is so cute that I can’t help it.
Do you know?
Of the few things that make me happy, I can never leave you out.
I want you to know.
This little, soft, yet strong girl of mine.
***
A few days later, Caesar came to the duke’s estate at Leonard’s invitation to dinner.
Even if it was an invitation, there was no sense of incompatibility since he was the crown prince who used to walk in and out of the duke’s estate like his own house.
After dinner, I watched Leonard and Caesar play chess. Leonard had a winning streak, and Caesar grumbled as Agoth and I only supported Leonard.
And late in the evening.
When I cleared the chessboard, Caesar and Agoth were nowhere to be seen.
“Brother. Where have you two gone?”
“Agoth went out to fetch the tea, and His Highness… I’m not sure. Did he go out to get some air?”
Mm, he went out alone? Is he up to something?
As I stopped my hand and groaned, Leonard burst into a light laugh.
“Helena.”
“Yes?”
“Did you tell Agoth? About your relationship with His Highness.”
“Huh? Ah… how did you know?”
“Well, I just knew.”
Leonard smiled quietly. It was kind of an empty laugh. I knew what the smile meant, so I felt like my heart was cracking open.
I cuddled up behind Leonard and hugged him gently. Leonard did not refuse. After all, he was the older brother who never turned me down.
“But for me, my brother is the best in the world.”
“Ahaha, that’s a pleasure.”
Leonard grabbed my arm and gently stroked it.
“I’m always on Helena’s side.”
“Mm.”
“It’s just… it will be a little lonely.”
“Mm.”
I know. Now I know.
Losing people. Someone going away. To cherish. What it feels like. What kind of weight it is. What temperature it is.
“Thank you, Leonard.”
For the first time, I called him by name.
Leonard just caressed my arm without saying a word. For a very long time.
***
I went out to look for two people who didn’t return, and found them in a dark hallway.
It was hard to say that I found them, because Agoth’s voice was so loud.
“If you make the lady cry, I won’t let you go!”
“Yeah, yeah, I know.”
“You must obey her unconditionally! Don’t ever complain!”
“I am already doing that.”
“I won’t forgive you if you cheat on her!”
“Cheat? Say something that makes sense.”
“Then I’m going to kill you!”
Whoaa, did I just witness a scene of mutiny?
I hid in the corner of the hallway and overheard their conversation.
“I’m really going to kill you! If you make her cry, I’ll kill you!”
Are they going to fight again?
But Caesar was not angry.
“Yes. I’d gladly accept it.”
He patted Agoth’s head, and gave her a rare, friendly smile.
“On the contrary, I will ask that of you as a favor. Because there is no one else who can do it but you.”
Was that sentence the trigger?
Agoth covered her face with her hands and sat down before bursting into tears.
Caesar did not comfort her. Just quietly, waiting for Agoth to stop crying.
I, too, leaned against the wall, just quietly listening to Agoth crying..
‘Oh, why didn’t I know this until now?’
I.
Maybe I should have known a little earlier.
The warmth between people. How to trust. How to rely on someone.
‘I have to be a kinder person.’
For the first time in my life, I made that decision.
Because my little girl’s tears were so honest and sweet.