Chapter 101

Chapter 101: 101

I’ve just been swayed all along.

My soul was free only while my mother protected me.

Even every trivial wish didn’t come true. Still, I’m still alive.

It’s hard, it’s painful, and I still have to move on. But the truth is… what I really wish for.

“… sooo, ha”

Take a deep breath to calm your feelings slowly.

I knocked on the door in front of me, conscious not to let my hands tremble.

You reacted to the sound of a knock or the door opened slightly. At the end of the open door, I breathe in the gaze directed to check on me.

Confirming me, the slightly open door further opens. Ilia in qualitative personal clothes looks down at me with no expression, not a familiar samurai outfit.

“… Raini?

“May I have your time? Dear Ilia,”

“… go ahead”

Less words, Master Ilia invited me into the room. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll go into Ilaria’s private room.

I don’t have anything that looks like personal belongings in Ilia’s private room, and I get the impression that only what I need for my life is neatly placed, such as closets, beds, and magic props to drink tea in the room, which is a bit lonely.

“… Shall I make some tea?

“No, we’ll talk soon… so”

Although Ilaria tries to prepare tea as a distraction, I control it and stare straight at Ilaria.

Master Ilia pulled the chair silently. When I sit in a chair, Master Ilia also pulls the chair and sits with me across the table and turns around.

“So… what’s the story?

“I came to give you an answer last night.”

… so quiet that it hurts my ears. Master Ilia is staring at me, not making it faint as if he had held his breath.

The quieter I am, the stronger I feel the sound of my heartbeat. I took a short breath to spin the words as I felt my heartbeat quicker.

“… Dear Ilia”

“… Yes”

“Master Ilia made that suggestion because I’m pathetic?

Iliah’s eyes narrow in my inquiry and he turns into a gaze that stares at me. But that gaze was quickly missed. Without strength, Master Ilia drops his shoulder.

“… don’t you deny it?

“… because if that’s what they took, then maybe that’s what my emotions are”

Ilaria smiles bitterly as she mocks herself. The gaze that deviates from me is intact, staring into the void without force.

“If it’s annoying, you can forget about it as a nuisance.”

“Wait, please! It’s not!… Sorry, I can’t afford it either and I can’t say it well. It’s not that I want to blame Yilia, or that I don’t believe you. But I’m also afraid to believe it.”

I am desperate to see my body tremble and I am about to sound my back teeth. Grab an arm to hide the tremor and stand up your nails. The pain only calmed me down a little.

I didn’t think I could believe people’s favors so far. But don’t face it. I don’t want to run away. Some were entrusted to Lady Annis. But more importantly, my wishes, which Lady Annis made me realize.

But it’s what I say about that wish… very, very scary.

“… Raini. You don’t have to.”

I raise my face unexpectedly to a surprisingly calm voice. Because I didn’t think for a moment that was the word that Master Ilia uttered.

When I looked up and saw Ilya’s face, Ilya had a look I had never seen before. He was sweet, but he seemed to suffer, and he smiled so lonely.

“It’s painful both to be unable to believe and not to believe. Now that I thought you rejected me, I know exactly why you tremble. If you’re going to be the one to raise your mind, you’re going to have to be the one.”

“Dear Ilia…”

“At least I’m in your mind enough to let you get the word wrong, right?

Without spinning words, I nod small. If you don’t care about Ilya, you’ve never bothered me so much. There was no contradiction between making it so painful and wanting to believe but not wanting to believe.

“… have I troubled you?

“Oh, no, it’s not! This is my fault……! I’m just getting scared on my own and unbelievable…! It’s not that Master Ilia is bad!

“If what I wanted to do for you bothered you, I think I should have shut my mouth, Raini.”

“- I’m happy, I’m in trouble!!”

Unexpectedly I said to scream. Illia-like’s intricate expression collapses, causing her eyes to blink wide.

My emotions for deciding on such an Ilia don’t stop, and I stare at Ilia.

“There’s no reason you don’t like it when they think you’re going to be a lover for me, trying to do something for me! You know me! Know what kind of monster I am! Know what I did to you! But I can’t believe I’m accepting… why are you saying that! Don’t you expect…!

“… Raini?

“But I’ve only been betrayed for what I’ve been expecting! Even if you tell me you like me, I curse you for betraying me on your own. Everybody blames me for being bad! Even though I want to believe people, and normally like them, and I don’t want them to hate me. You don’t have to be special, but everyone makes me special on their own, and at the end of the day, they curse you for being bad!

Even when I was an orphan, even after I became a courtier. Someone liked me, couldn’t live up to my expectations, and thought I’d betrayed you. You shouldn’t like someone, you shouldn’t think of anything special.

The only thing that seemed honestly special to me was about your mother. That happy memory was what I depended on.

“Lady Anis showed me the way like this. Master Uphilia forgave me. Master Ilia taught me how to live! Even though that’s enough, I’ll have to do something later!… any more, sweet, no, yet…!

I don’t want you to be nice, because once you’re sweet, you know you can’t get out anymore. I know I’m not strong. I can’t be like Lady Anis or Lady Uphilia.

At least stay out of the way. If that’s going to happen, push those people on the back, and if you can support them, that’s fine. I don’t even get it, I’m in the way of it. I’m miserable and desperate.

“… is this really what I’m good for…? Isn’t that just sympathy…? If you just think I’m pathetic…!

“Raini”

Soon there were zero tears. My voice is also shaking and crying. To me like that, Master Ilia takes a seat and meets me in the forehead.

Keep your hands on my cheek and glance over my cheek as my fingers wipe my tears.

“I’m inhuman, Raini. I just accepted that I was comfortable and at Master Anisphere’s side. Because that was convenient. But you’re not. You chose it yourself, didn’t you? He wants to be on his side, more useful. I was fascinated by you to find out. You can’t just serve… your heart will be filled.”

“Dear Ilia…”

“I didn’t understand it, even if it was an emotion that everyone could have. Because I’m a missing person. But I think you told me and I changed a little bit. By growing up, I was taught what lies ahead of me. I felt the meaning of what I had stacked up. You made me realize that.”

Master Ilia speaks to me as if to labor. I’m trying to tell you what Illia found out about what I’ve done.

“Raini was there so I could know a lot through you. You seem to be a man, and you think of someone, and you are very honorable for trying to move on no matter how scared you are. I want to help you because I thought your hard work was lovely.”

“………………”

“If you can work hard, laugh, and serve Master Anisphere and Master Uphilia together like this. That must have been a happy thing. That’s why I want to protect you from what you’re trying to hold back.”

Master Ilia releases her forehead and stares me straight in the eye. I pull my lips into one letter and tie them together. Out of sight so as to escape from Master Ilia’s gaze.

“… I’m a vampire…?

“Yes.”

“If you make me your lover, you’ll make me, Master Ilia, special, won’t you?

“I don’t mind.”

“I’m gonna want a lot of blood, and I’m gonna hurt you for that, and I’m gonna say a lot about it.”

“I will make it happen”

“I… next time people betray me, I don’t know what I would do…?

“… does Raini think I’m going to betray him?

I lowered my eyebrows like Master Ilia was depressed. I hack and shake my neck well left and right to deny it.

“I’m scared that I’m going to die… because I don’t want to lose it anymore…”

“I will try not to make Raini anxious”

“… Me and Anis, I’m going to ask you what’s important.”

“…………… how could you ask such a question”

“Don’t you choose me?

“… as hard as it gets, it’s certainly hard for me.”

“… that’s right. I have a bad personality, really.”

Master Ilia frowned like she was in trouble, but she exhaled immediately before holding me tight.

In a sudden embrace, I can’t do anything aggressively, and it fits into Ilaria’s arms.

“But you won’t be happy if I choose Raini for that inquiry.”

“… what makes you think that?

“Because you care about all kinds of people, Anisphere and Uphilia. Isn’t that why you can’t give priority to yourself? I’m sure if they chose, you’d think they’d let you choose, wouldn’t you?

I was going to be unable to breathe into Master Ilia’s allegations. Tears come up, my breath cramps.

I can’t deny it. Because I also floated the same imagination that Master Ilia said I had.

“So don’t tell me something like that to try. Don’t compare your worth to people, Raini. You are fine. You don’t have to impose anything on yourself for a reason, for a value. I’ll come with as much of that as you want. I have no hesitation in protecting you. So please protect me.”

Master Ilia was holding me tight. Release my body and put your hands on my shoulders. Pack the distance so you can keep face to face…… drop the kiss so you can make contact with my lips.

By the time I zero my fine exhalation, I will be able to understand what was done to Ilaria and strengthen myself. But… I don’t hate it.

Again and again, Ilaria drops the kiss so that she pecks and touches each other. Every time we touch each other more than once, some kind of paralyzing sensation runs through our spines and forces fall out of our bodies.

My last remaining reason began to resist where I was about to unwittingly dream. Put your hands on Ilia’s chest and distance yourself to push back.

“Dear Ilia, why, kiss……!

“I thought it would be quicker for you to act and teach your body because you don’t seem to believe me wholeheartedly when I say protect you. You swallowed faster than I taught you.”

“No, but that’s why…!

“Don’t you like it?

My cheeks get hot all at once in response to an inquiry from Ilia. I don’t want to, because I think I am. But I can’t tell you how embarrassed I am.

I don’t like being kissed, I’m rather going to be tolerated. ‘Cause I’m glad. I’m glad you think so. But I’m just as scared.

It’s the last time I drown in this warmth. Because I think so, my body is trying to resist. But some of me don’t want to resist, and everything doesn’t match and I can’t move.

If I can’t resist, Ilaria will plug my hand into my knee and hold me. I scream small, but Master Ilia put me down to bed without worrying.

“Ya… Ma’am, come on! Come on…………! No, Dear Ilia……!

“What can’t be done? Answer me clearly.”

“Well, that’s… Kiss, kiss…”

“Why? Is it because you don’t like being made of me?

“Oh, no…! I can’t!

“I know that”

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“Huh!?”

“I thought you were unhappy that they were me, but it seems so different. Then I decided that you had a cause to fail. You should be thoroughly educated as your educator.”

“Hey, education… I think this is something different!

“Then try to convince me. For reasons sufficient for me to be convinced.”

and the sound of the bed roaring. Ilaria, arrayed to be covered in me, narrows her eyes and looks down at me.

When I’m looked down in those eyes, I can’t resist. ‘Cause this is the eye of Master Ilia when he’s coaching me. I know it’s my fault, and I can’t move anymore.

“So shall I start my first class in a long time”

“… so what happened in the end?

“Hiya!? Nah, what is it!?”

“Hey!? Raini, I’ll drop the pot!?”

“Awww!

To an enquiry from Lady Annis, who was thrown abruptly, I was about to have a catastrophe with the tea I had prepared blurry.

Even today, I am out of the palace because of sanatorium. Lady Anis came to me sitting there not doing anything at the salon, so I was about to prepare some tea. I almost ruined it all…

“… So, I ask you again, what happened? You went to Ilaria’s room yesterday, didn’t you?

“Ugh… uh, the…”

“Yeah.”

“…………… Um”

“Yeah……?

“……………… I can’t go to your daughter-in-law anymore…………!

“What do you mean?”

I’m turning bright red. I squat to hide my face. Master Anis looked baffled by my reaction.

Oh, the “class” after that…… uhh, so embarrassing that it’s going to explode if I remember…!

“What, you got your hands on me…? Outreach Ilia, that’s quick…?

“Awww…”

“So, are you sure you want to be safe?

“……… no”

“Hmm?”

“… reply, I didn’t…”

“……………… Huh?

Master Anis leaked the bass voice as much as he wanted. I can only shrink to the limit, and I drop my head.

In the end, I did not make a clear reply to Yilia. I couldn’t. So I’ve crossed the line, but you don’t think it’s clear as a relationship…

Explained elsewhere, Mr. Anis zeroed the tea from the edge of his mouth.

“…………… wait. I’m getting a headache? Did they get their hands on you?

Nod small.

“But you haven’t responded?

… nod small.

“Huh? So they just got their hands on me…?

“Well, that, too, I didn’t refuse, because…”

“How did that happen!?”

“Awwww…!

“Awww, not if you’re talking about it!? Huh!? You’re not forced to!?”

Cocksucking, I nod over and over again. Then Master Anis sighed heavily, as he said, incredible.

“… I wasn’t expecting to hear back either”

“… what shall we do?

“What should I do?!? Huh? Why didn’t you reply? You went to reply to the confession, didn’t you? Why are you telling me you’re getting your hands on me before I respond?

“… it’s my fault. Well, I can’t make it clear…”

“… but only my hands were put out?

“… Yes”

“Sorry, I don’t know what that means”

“Me too…”

“Why!? Why really?!?”

Ugh, Master Anis looks so unintelligible…!

Don’t even reply, and yet you crossed the line, I still suck……!

“You’re making me too obstinate…”

“Duh, what should I do…?

“Ask me? Ask me that!?… Enough, come confess the other way.”

“………… duh, how”

“I’m gonna hit you, okay?

Master Anis is holding his fist with his sitting eyes and breathing. I let my eyes swim and take my gaze off Master Anis and shake my body softly.

“It’s not like you hate Ilaria, is it?

“Well, that’s… yes, but…”

“It would be nice if it were. Ilaria will be fine, come sweet thoughtfully.”

“… but me”

“Raini”

“Yes?

“What happened to Ilia yesterday?

Boom, and I felt an explosion in my head. The sight of yesterday comes back clearly to Master Anis’s inquiry, and his face is dyed bright red.

I’m going to drown, and I want to wander off and disappear. What I remember is the look on Ilaria’s face and the feel of her fingers……

“Ahhh…!

“… why can’t you come this far and reply…?

I couldn’t even reach the voice of Master Anisphere, who groaned in a heartfelt wonder, and I could only hold my head and be bored.

Until I can call Ilia “lover”… it’s going to only take a little longer.