Chapter 100

Chapter 100: 100

My head turns white. I haven’t been through that once or twice.

But the shock I’ve had is the biggest I’ve ever lived, and all I could do was blur while waking up my upper body on the bed from last night until I blurted.

I was confessed by Master Ilia. That was making me stop thinking. In the end, I was unable to reply to anything yesterday, and I could only drop off Ilaria, who was leaving, thinking about it.

I tried to sleep, but I don’t feel like I could sleep at all. I don’t know when I slept, and the time I slept is short. Just heavy head. Ever since yesterday, the expression of Illia has repeatedly disappeared.

“… Dear Ilia”

Why did Ilaria say that to me? Given that reason, I’m going to hold my head. Tightened enough to make my chest painful, driven by so much guilt that I want to stop breathing as it is.

Master Ilia still hangs on to my charm when I’m not aware to say I’m a vampire. To that abominable cursed power that favors me.

That’s why he said he couldn’t stand it anymore. Because I’m in pain. It’s all my fault. It is my fault that I suffer without being able to say no properly.

“It’s my fault…!

It hurts me to feel guilty about letting Master Ilia say such a thing. Because I am impudent, because I have fascinated Master Ilia. Because I’m here.

I can only squat while holding myself to the voice of my heart, which repeatedly blames me. I’m sorry, the words I repeat are powerless.

I don’t know what to do. I just can’t accept the heavy reality, and I can only close and cage in my shell.

“… Raini, can I come in?

I hear a knock. What I heard after that was the voice of Master Anis.

I don’t want to see anyone now. But it’s painful to be alone. Without speaking out of such contradictory thoughts, Master Anis opened the door.

Lady Anis looked at me for a moment, but immediately tightened her expression and closed the door. I walked straight over to the edge of my bed and lowered my hips there.

“… Ilia said today that Raini is not feeling well, so give him a break. That’s why I’m here to see how it goes.”

“… excuse me”

“Fine. My job is not stuffed with cuts. I’m more worried about Raini than that.”

Master Anis has turned his back on me because he has lowered his back to the edge of the bed. I didn’t want to be seen in my face right now, so I really appreciated Master Anis turning my back on me.

“… me”

“Yeah.”

“I’m, like, awesome, disgusted, I’m already, like, bitter, I want to disappear… annoyed, I just want to give it back, but I can’t, I don’t like it all anymore, I’m going to be scared”

“Yeah.”

It’s a rupture. I’m speechless, and I spin an interrupted word to wheeze. Even that word doesn’t make sense, and I don’t know why.

Still, Master Anis gaveled at me and asked me quietly. Never look at me, but he’s definitely there and he’s listening to me.

“I, no longer, I don’t know why, okay”

“… Did something happen with Ilia yesterday?

I cover my face with both hands in the inquiry of Lady Anis. Crushed by regret and guilt, my breath hurts. I just wanted to get easier, and I opened my mouth as if to confess.

“If Ilia doesn’t like me being told by a man, she can do it to me.”

“… Ilia?

“I’m in pain, I see, I’m in pain, but that’s because I fascinated Ilaria, and I, also, drove people, it’s important people, crazy…!

Hold your head with your hands that were covering your face, and I squat. Hold your own head with the momentum to your hair and spin your words with your final thoughts. With the momentum of my thoughts, my tears drop zero. Oh, I really hate myself for being so shallow.

Lady Anis didn’t say anything to me with groans and tears. I can’t stop crying zero falling tears and zero whimpering. Dear Annis, who had been quiet about how much he had done so, stroked my head.

“Raini, look up”

……

“Raini”

Master Anis calls me with a calming voice. I chewed my teeth off and raised my face with unstoppable tears intact.

Lady Annis was laughing like she was in trouble for some reason. It’s a delightful, but troublesome look.

“Raini, calm down first. Shall we take a slow, deep breath?”

Pompous, and Lady Anis gently strokes my back. The hand that held my head when I raised my face shook at my lack of location, and Master Anis held my hand with one empty hand.

Until I settled down, Master Anis held my hand all the way and stroked my back. I was able to calm down a little bit while taking a deep breath as Ennis told me.

“Calm down?

“… Yes. Sorry, dude.”

“Fine. Well, let’s talk to me for a little while.”

……

“You know, Raini. I’m so surprised right now, I don’t know if I should be happy or lonely.”

Lady Anise’s expression still seems complicated. I know I’m just as surprised as I say myself. Because I could see the colour of confusion in Anis’ floating expression.

“Oh well… I don’t have that Ilia. I’m surprised, and I miss you a little… but I’m still glad.”

“Huh…?

“Raini says Ilia cursed you with her own power, but I don’t think so. To be more precise, I think it would be nice to be cursed.”

“Why…?

“Ilaria’s not obsessed.”

Master Anis groans lonely.

“I wonder if I understand it properly these days. Ilia is going crazy as a person because she wasn’t properly loved. I also think it was because of me. Because our relationship is so narrow that we can live without caring about others.”

“… Ilia also said that she was useless.”

“Yeah. I’m the one who did that, right? I don’t regret it, and if I’m going to regret it, I’m just going to piss Ilia off, so I’m going to make sure I never do. But I can’t overshadow the fact that I kept my relationship with Ilia distorted and left that distortion behind.”

“… wasn’t that something you couldn’t do?

“That’s right. I can’t change the past, and maybe I make the same choice over and over again. I can’t give up Ilaria, I can’t bend my claim. That’s why I can’t change Ilaria for you. I think that’s what my relationship with Ilia is all about. ‘Cause we both think we don’t have to change.”

Master Anis laughed in nature and said so. That was a heartfelt smile. It’s a look that comes to mind that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

The relationship between Master Anis and Mr. Ilia continues to this day because they do not need to change from one another.

“We didn’t ask each other for more than we needed. If you think it’s preferable, that’s enough, so long as we don’t catch each other’s breath…. but I met Yufi and Ilia met Raini. Our relationship doesn’t have to change, but our relationship with our surroundings changes. I feel lonely, but I can’t help it. And I’m glad from the bottom of my heart that Ilia likes people no matter what they’re like.”

“Dear Anis…”

“Even if I can protect Ilia, I can’t change it for you. Otherwise, we don’t have to be different from each other. That scares me, too, and I’m sure Ilia doesn’t want me to either. I don’t mean to be complacent, but I’m the closest person to Ilaria, right? And we can be most comfortable with each other. He said it would be enough to have this guy.”

With the hand Lady Annis was stroking my back, holding my head in. If I can hold it against my chest, I can hear Master Anis’ heart.

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“It’s nice to have a relationship that’s sweet that you can stay in an easy relationship and stay the same, though. But I can’t go anywhere, I can’t change, because I don’t need to change. I thought Yufi and I were happy that things had come to pass, but on the other hand, I was so worried about Ilia. Because I wanted to change.”

“… Was it?

“Yeah. So I was really horrified that Ilia would say she enjoyed caring about Raini and taking care of him. Any relationship would have been nice, if Ilaria could have changed.”

“… is that the attraction of vampires, even if they are directed to like me?

“But I don’t think Ilia would have changed if I hadn’t. If I can’t change, Ilaria stays the same if I do. Just follow me with respect, and it won’t be a forward relationship from there. I don’t ask for a hang-up to change…. I miss you.”

Ennis tries to match my temples and pack the distance. The hand attached to my head gently combs my hair with my fingers.

“I can change, there is now because there was Uffi who asked me to. I can’t give up, but I’m chasing the dream again that I gave up. Because I knew it was happiness. So I think it would be better if Ilia had someone like that. I’d love that if it was Raini.”

“But that’s how Ilia feels, not what she wanted…?

“Is it Raini who decides that?

A voice similar to a sharp reprimand makes me shudder. Master Anis gives me a really angry look, trying to grab my shoulder and face it back from the front.

“It’s not like I don’t even know what it’s like to think Raini’s scared. I know what it’s like to take responsibility for yourself. But, let me still say it. – Please, don’t turn away from Ilaria.”

“Turn away, turn away…?

“I don’t know exactly what Ilia’s trying to do. Even today, is things a little weird? I only knew as much as I thought. Ilia would never talk to me. I’m sure it won’t even be Ufi. Ilia would never rely on people…. I can’t”

I take my breath away with the last words of Master Anis in his painful voice as if he were exhaling blood.

I was out of sight of Master Ilia…? I feel like my heartbeat is bouncing at Lady Anise’s point.

“It seems amazing to me that Ilia still said what she wanted from me. It’s not necessary in my job, it’s not what I have to say out of duty. I just don’t want the words I wanted because I don’t like Ilaria to be unobstructed.”

“… Dear Anis, but I…”

“I know you think Raini is afraid of his powers. I think that feeling is important. But don’t forget. It’s just like my magic. What matters is how to use it. So don’t forget, you let Ilia take a step with that power. It was a pleasure for me to be surprised.”

Master Anis tells me to pray as if to me. The voice is gentle everywhere and makes me feel my feelings for Ilia. Anis really said it was about Ilya.

“Accept how Ilia feels, I can’t say. But don’t run away from facing each other. Tell him if you need time. I really can’t. But tell him. I won’t say anything, because I’m sure it’s the cruelest…. Still, if you feel good about accepting Ilia at all, I want you to walk with me”

“… What does Ilia look like to you, Anis?

“… it’s hard. Though it’s easiest to understand to say obedience. But it sounds like a family, and yet it’s not. I really can’t say. But I’m pretty sure he’s important.”

“… What do you think of my fascination with Ilaria?

“Hmm. Nothing at all? Because that’s force majeure. But if Raini’s charm cut me off and Ilia wanted to be someone other than me, it could also be my lover, or I wanted to be… I guess I’m a little sorry.”

Words came back that weren’t what I expected, and I accidentally circled my eyes. I don’t think that Master Anis will regret it, and I stare at Master Anis.

As a little lit up, Master Anis looked so complicated that he said it was hard to put into words whether he thought it was even him.

“It’s not like jealousy, and maybe it’s not appropriate to say that I’m really sorry. But in words, I’m sorry…. I guess it’s because you’ve been by my side the whole time. Yet you walk away from me one by one. I regret it, I don’t hang up, but I’m so happy.”

Like trouble, but Master Anis did make me laugh. That smile is so cute, it takes my eyes off me.

Like I gave you a hard emotion to say in a nutshell. That, but it’s never unpleasant. Makes me think I’m more respectful.

Lady Anis truly cares about Ilia. I hope for that happiness. But to Ilaria’s happiness, Anis can only push her back. Because I’m the one who should take it.

“… Dear Anis”

“What?

“… I’m going to drown, it’s painful. I’m just as scared. Me, even when I’m happy, I don’t know if I can stay happy… that’s what I’m afraid of. I’m scared……!

It has always been painful. It’s been hard. It was like drowning, scratching algae every day.

I was happy to be here. I was really happy. I wanted to spend this time like this.

Losing this happiness scares me more than anything right now. I tremble, I squat, I want to reject everything.

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“It’s okay…? What do you mean, you’re okay?

“Because I think you’re scared. I don’t care what you can do, like me, but I don’t think that’s okay. I’m sure you won’t overlook yourself or anyone who thinks you are. So don’t forget that if Raini helps you, there’s someone there to help you.”

“… Anis, Dear…”

“Hey, Raini”

He releases the question so that Master Anis sticks his core in his arms as he hugs him like he’s about to lean over.

“Who do you want me to come and help…?