“There's no going back, no matter how hard I try, nothing changes. How am I supposed to overcome this? How am I supposed to live in this hell?”
The sound of grinding teeth was followed by the figure that had been crouching being suddenly lifted up. The sheet that had been draped over him fell, revealing his face. I was shocked, my eyes widening. His forehead was red.
“Your forehead...”
He grabbed my hand, which was fumbling in the air. He then firmly grabbed my face, which was startled and looking at him. His bangs, which had been hanging down, were pushed up.
Instinctively, I pushed him away. Stop it! Don't!
“Let go—!”
“Look at me!”
He tried to grab my wrists and face, and I twisted my body to avoid his hands. In the struggle, I ended up falling onto the bed. He quickly climbed on top of me, as if determined to hold me down.
His bangs were tangled, constantly revealing his face. Don't look. Please, don't look at me. I pushed his face and hit his shoulders, trying to push him away, but it was useless. He grabbed my face, which was trying to escape.
His dry fingers gripped my hair, causing a sharp pain. He leaned in close and shouted.
“Look at me!”
Only then did I open my eyes and meet his gaze.
Our breaths intermingled. Seeing his murky emerald eyes, I remembered that he was blind.
Right, this man can't see me. He can't see me. A wave of relief washed over me.
“How am I supposed to live like this? What am I supposed to believe in? Do you think you understand my heart? Do you understand the fear of not being able to see anything? Do you understand the frustration of not knowing whether someone is being kind to me, plotting against me, trying to harm me, or trying to protect me?”
His eyes were filled with venom. The hand that was gripping my face was trembling. It wasn't fear, but anger.
“My life is a failure. There's no light in front of me.”
He was lamenting his situation.
“You could try...”
He snorted. So that's all you can say. His eyes were filled with disappointment.
“Be strong, you can do it, you can overcome it with effort. I don't want to hear that anymore. It's all just words. You haven't lost your sight, so you can say it easily. Don't spout such ridiculous nonsense. My eyes will never see again.”
Each word he spat out conveyed his anger. His rapid breaths were filled with fear.
“So what am I supposed to do? What can a blind cripple do...”
His face was gradually contorting, looking sad. Like a child left alone in an empty place. Despite all his wealth, honor, and power, why was he so sad? I could only gauge his sadness but couldn't truly understand it.
He's right. In the end, I'm just an outsider.
“So you want to die? Alone, withering away.”
“Why not? If I choose death over life, isn't that my right?”
“I guess so.”
“...”
I grabbed the back of his hand, which was holding my face. His hand was still cold.
“You can choose.”
I could have said something smooth and shiny, but I didn't, because his pain was too deep. I stopped. Trying to comfort him would be arrogant.
“Life isn't a fairy tale. They say God gives everyone trials they can bear, but I don't believe it. It's so hard. Whether to continue enduring or not is my freedom. Since you're wielding that freedom, there's nothing I can do.”
“...”
“Just let me know before you die. I don't want to suddenly have to clean up a corpse.”
I need time to prepare mentally too.
I removed his hand from my face and pushed his chest. This time, he was easily pushed back. I quickly slipped out from under him.
The moonlight outside the window was still bright. I wanted to show it to him. But even if I opened the curtains, that light wouldn't reach Vincent.
“I'll stay by your side until then.”
When I turned around, Vincent had a dazed look on his face.
“I'm not afraid, you know. You can kill me whenever you want. As I said before, no one will come to avenge me if I die. You don't need to worry.”
“...”
“And one more thing, you're wrong. Sometimes the world you can see is even more terrifying.”
Like a mother who abandons her child and runs away, a child who dies from abuse by their father, a child who starves from poverty, and a child who is sold to a brothel by their own father.
And my life.
“You have a lot, don't you? You have a future. So why don't you try to breathe and make a little effort now? To live a little happier each day.”
“...It's all useless.”
“I'm not saying you should do something right away. Just try it as if it's your last. Whatever it is. Eat on time, take a warm bath, wear new clothes, and go out.”
“...”
“If you get scared, you can run away again. You have a place to hide. You can stay hidden here until you calm down, and then come out again. You have wealth, power, and servants who care about you. What are you so afraid of?”
“All of it... is terrifying. Wealth, power, attention, this mansion.”
“It's better than having nothing.”
At least you can run away.
“You seem to be mistaken. A life without these things is even more terrifying.”
I've often seen people who can't see. A baby born blind and abandoned by their parents, an old man who had to have his eyes removed due to illness, a young head of the family who lost his sight in an accident but still had to support his family. They have to live in the dark forever like Vincent. But they can't huddle in a comfortable room like him.
To survive, they have to work. Hunger is more terrifying to them than the fear of not being able to see. They have to endure neglect, criticism, and ridicule to beg for a little more life.
Everyone lives in hell.
Some are poor, some have bad parents, some are victims of accidents, and some live in a world they can't see. Everyone faces tomorrow.
“Little by little, change will come. Whatever it is. Like light shining into this dark room.”
“...”
“Did you know the moon in the sky is incredibly beautiful?”
I want to show it to you.
If you see it, maybe you won't think about dying anymore.
Vincent didn't lift his head at my words. He wrapped himself tightly in the sheet again. I reached out and lifted his face. A ray of light entered his murky emerald eyes.
Beautiful.
His eyes, filled with moonlight, sparkled.
I've never been this close to someone before. Everyone always looks at my face with disgust, so I always avoid their gaze by looking down.
Alicia, the third, often looked at me with embarrassment. My father would click his tongue when he saw my face. I was afraid to meet their gazes. That's why I never cut my bangs. My long hair would at least cover my ugly face a little.
But now.
“Don't bow your head.”
My heart was pounding. Maybe it's okay. After all, this man can't see. I can be honest. So for the first time, I faced someone up close.
To let my emotions reach him as much as his reached me.
“This is real.”
I stroked his red forehead. His skin was torn and bruised. Maybe he hit his forehead against the wall in his nightmares to keep from sleeping. Maybe he wanted to know that this was reality.
“Be brave.”
You won't like it, but I'll try to make an effort. After all, there's no way back since I was sold for gold.
Whether I live or die, it will be here.
By the side of this blind master.
Secretly.
His emerald eyes, filled with confusion, trembled. Slowly, his trembling fingertips wrapped around my face. His gaze, which had been misaligned, gradually focused on me.
Our eyes met.
“You...”
And at that moment, my face was suddenly turned to the side by a strong force. In the blink of an eye, my vision was flipped. Then my body fell backward. With a thud, a familiar pain shot through the back of my head.
...What, what's going on?
I lay on the floor, blinking my eyes. I've been in this situation before.
“I've noticed you talk too much.”
A calm voice echoed. Only then did I gather my wits and sit up. He was already lying on the bed, still covered in the sheet. There was no trace of the trembling from his nightmare.
“Didn't you hear me tell you to watch your mouth?”
And a calm warning.
For a moment, I wondered what was happening, seeing his usual insane self.
“Be more careful next time.”
“...I will.”
So, his dirty temper is back.
I rubbed the back of my head, which had hit the floor, and looked at him with a calm face. He slightly furrowed his brow.
“Stop staring. I'll pluck out your eyes before you know it.”
Anyway, I can feel it. I immediately lowered my eyes as he warned. I felt drained. I slumped my shoulders and wiped my face.
I watched him bury his face in the pillow and then got up. I took a step toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Oh, I'm going back to my room.”
“Why?”
“Huh?”
“You said you'd stay until I calmed down.”
“You seem calm enough.”
“Not at all. My heart is still racing. I'm still scared.”
“...”
What, after someone says something nice to you! I felt a surge of emotion but closed my mouth, remembering who I was dealing with.
“Stay here. Until I fall asleep.”
“Sure, sure.”
I answered without enthusiasm, and he immediately frowned. I didn't care and sat back on the floor, staring at the moon through the curtains. I imagined beating him up in my head.