Chapter 22

Chapter 22

A Chilling Tale has Begun

It’s too late to start regretting it now. Everything is my fault… But where did I go wrong?

Is it the moment that I first met Cecile Alldington? Or maybe it was when I met Leila Morton?

No, it should be way before that. I’ve been making bad decisions ever since I was a kid; I’ve never known the difference between what’s right and wrong. So this is probably all recompense for my past mistakes.

“You’re a sinner.”

That’s what my patron1 had told me.

And he couldn’t have been more right. I’ve been carrying the crime of patricide on my back for so long, and living off whatever crumbs of sympathy that I could pilfer from the people around me.

Day after day, I’ve been living a constrained existence under a mountain of debt that just keeps growing higher.

But I don’t even have the luxury, the privilege, of being dissatisfied with my life.

In order to survive, I have to throw a frivolous smile onto my face and curry favor with the masses. I have to play the superficial rogue, every day putting on a show just to hide my own weaknesses. And no one’s ever noticed before, that it’s all an act. Or if they have, if by some chance my patron figured out my true nature, he hasn’t changed. He still smiles whenever he sees me and acts like he doesn’t know anything.

Even at the academy I’ve been playing the part of the likable class clown up until now, since there’s no way I can cause trouble for my patron.

And as of yet, there’s no one that has endangered my act. There’s no one who’s seen through it; no one’s even bothered trying to see through it. And that has been my life up until now.

But then she appeared.

Cecile Alldington. Just like everyone else she has no idea that this is all an act. She knows nothing of my true nature. And yet she was the only one who would meet my perfect, fake smile with eyes full of disdain and contempt. Each time I would give her my best frivolous smile, but she would only ever reply with a scornful sneer.

She’s got such a terrible personality. And barely any friends. She’s the only one who openly despises me…. obviously ignores me. And as someone whom most people like and trust, if it came down to choosing sides, almost everyone would be on mine. Maybe there would be one or two exceptions who would side with her… Ahh, like that servant of hers.

But the point is, who cares if such a disliked, bad-tempered woman hates me? It’s no skin off my back.

But for some reason it still makes my chest feel weird, knowing that she dislikes me.

At some point, I had become scared of seeing those piercing, disdainful eyes that she would look at me with.

And to know that this woman might someday figure out my true nature…. If that were to ever happen I……

…..I what?

What am I trying to say I would do?

What would even change if she were to find out? At most, the way she looks at me now would be incomparably better than if she were to know what I’m really like.  She’d probably hate me so much that she wouldn’t be able to stand the sight of me anymore, but that’s not a huge change from how she acts now.

I’ve always been the one to one-sidedly go over to talk to her and she would always reply with the bare minimum that it would take to classify it as a conversation. Each time she always makes her dislike of me apparent, and she doesn’t even bother to look at me while talking.

And yet, I seem to have grown afraid of being hated by her any more than I already am.

I don’t want her to hate me. And so I keep desperately throwing myself at her, talking at her. I’m not sure how that’s supposed to help or why I even bother considering those sorry excuses for a conversation that we have each time, and yet…. when it comes to Cecile Alldington, I can’t help myself. I just keep calling out to her.

And through trial and error, I was eventually able to learn something: a surefire way to make her smile.

“What sort of guy is that servant of yours anyway?”

If I ask something like this, then Cecile Alldington’s face will light up as she boasts about her servant. She’ll smile happily as she talks with me.

And when I get to see that smiling face of hers, a feeling almost like relief floods through me. In those moments I feel quite comfortable and then I start thinking…

–Ahh, I’d love to just kill him.

A servant? How laughable. Isn’t that just a useful tool to have around? A master’s property, that’s all it is. To even consider treating such a thing as a human being? How ludicrous. As his Master, Cecile Alldington should be treating him with scorn, ordering him around, and resenting him to her heart’s content.

But no. When she talks about her servant, it almost sounds like she’s talking about her lover.

Ahh… Agh…! About a mere servant! Here I am, following her around like this just so that she won’t hate me…. all the while listening to how much she likes some servant…. He should just disappear. I just want to get rid of him!

“Ashley is a very precious servant to me.”

When I saw the shy expression she made when she said that to me, for a moment I forgot how to breathe…

Aghh, nooooo! Stop! Stop it! Oh please, just stop!

Even though I’m the one who you’re talking to, you’re thinking about someone else! Saying that someone else is precious to you…. Smiling for someone else!

Don’t you know how frustrating that is for me? And yet I seem to have fallen in love with this ignorant, oblivious, ill-tempered woman. She isn’t swayed by my frivolous smiles and obvious flirting, and even though she doesn’t discriminate against me for our difference in social standing like other nobles would, it doesn’t matter because this stupid girl won’t talk about anything, think about anything, besides her servant.

This is hell.

I know I’ve lost the right to do things such as like someone.

But even so, just for a little bit. Just until graduation. Just for a little while, I’ll keep following Cecile Alldington around.

I like you.

I’ve told her that so many times. Always with a playful tone of course. And over and over again I’ve been rejected. Always in her usual tone of voice, with her habitual manner.

So just for now. Just for now.

Since I’ll only be able to spend time with this woman that I’ve unwittingly, unwillingly fallen in love with for just this one moment. And if after that, I continue to see her only in my dreams, I’m sure that little bit can be forgiven. Even though I’m not sure who I am supposed to be asking for forgiveness from.

I think the moments that I get to spend with her, I might not have been faking my smile at all. It feels like I’ve finally been able to attain happiness for a time, so these past months have been like a dream to me. And before I knew it, I started wishing that it would never have to end.

But that’s impossible. Hoping for such things was out of line.

I shouldn’t have let myself be influenced like this. Even just hoping to be remembered by another person is asking too much for a sinner like me. Because everything is all wrong now.

This chapter is scrapped from readlightnovel.org

My world has become deformed. And to fix those deformities… that’s right. There must be a sacrifice. An unbearably precious sacrifice.

Because this world has become warped, I’ve lost the ability to think properly. Against my character, against my true nature, I’ve become attached, started to worry about Cecile Alldington.

“……I suppose I could lend you my ear if you need to talk….”

Cecile Alldington had said to me the other day with a unwilling frown on her face, but the blush on her cheeks gave away how shy she was actually feeling.

Ahh, what a blunder. Because I fell in love with a woman like you, my world is falling apart…. That would probably be an unreasonable thing for me to say, huh.

“You know I……”

“Yes?”

“You……… No, never mind.”

I really like you.

“It’s not good for you to bottle things up like that, you know.”

“So uncharacteristically nice. Whenever you’re being cold to me, I should just try acting troubled next time.”

Just why did I have to fall in love with someone like you? If it would have been a more sly, calculating woman, we could have used each other. There might have been a way for us to both live…

But I just had to fall for this simple, foolish idiot. Because of her terrible personality, she’s just like a privileged young noblewoman who’s never seen anything but the beautiful things this world has to offer. There’s no possible way for us to be able to continue to live together. But there’s nothing I can do about this. It’s likely already too late.

Everything has been thrown into disarray. My world has become deformed. And to fix those deformities… that’s right. There must be a sacrifice. There needs to be a sacrifice.

I’m sorry. It’s already been decided. Cecile Alldington. You’ll have to be that sacrifice.

It’s too late to start regretting it now. Everything is my fault… So at the very least, I’ll follow right after you. I’ll kill you, and then follow right after you.

How funny. I actually feel a bit guilty. But somehow there is another feeling as well, almost like elation.

I’m sorry. Cecile Alldington. You’re going to be killed by me. But even though I’m apologizing, I still feel quite happy. Even if you had lived, we wouldn’t have been able to be together. Even if we both survived, I would have been in jail while you were off living somewhere that I didn’t know about, building a happy life together with some other man.

But if you’re dead? There will be nowhere that you could wander off to that would be out of my reach, right?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m going to end up involving you in my crimes.

“If you have something that you want to say, then would you mind just saying it? Mister Arkwright.”

“Okay? Please let yourself be charmed by me.”

She’s wearing a simple dress that best accentuates her beauty and is standing off to one side of the ballroom like a wallflower. After I had continued to stare intently at her without speaking, she had broken the silence by asking me what I wanted, and now she is dubiously quirking up one eyebrow while looking in my direction.

“It looks like you are pretty much back to your old self now.”

“What’s that Darling? Were you worrying about me? That makes me so happy. Are you becoming interested in me then?”

“Not at all.”

She’s probably waiting for her servant. She had said before that she was coming with Ashley to this rehearsal ball. The girl that I had randomly chosen to be my partner had already left for the lounge earlier, saying that she was getting tired. If it’s now, I could probably escort Cecile Alldington away from here very easily. Even though she would likely refuse to leave if I asked.

“Then just come out and say it, shall I? Thanks to you, I’ve had a break through. I just need to think about everything from a positive perspective.”

How can I best protect Cecile Alldington?

….There’s no longer any need to feel guilty over killing her.

That’s right. With her death, I’ll finally be able to obtain her. So instead of feeling guilty, it’s something that should be celebrated.

Then I suppose if that’s the case, “I’ll have to give my thanks to Leila Morton.”

Since this tragedy was brought about by both she and I after all.