I was told that she died instantly. At the time of death, I saw her move a little, but that was all the doctor could say.\n
It could have been an illusion. An illusion of my desire. But either way, itâs the same.\n
My mother is not coming back.\n
I canât talk to her anymore.\n
I canât apologize to her anymore.\n
I felt like I was going crazy. Only then did I realize that I had done something I couldnât take back.\n
Why hadnât I tried to face my mother more?\n
It was no different than if I had killed her. What did I want to do, to bring about such a result?\n
The junior high school entrance examinations were indeed shitty. I had a lot of bad experiences. As a reaction, I tried to do things that I had never done before.\n
But that doesnât mean that I should be rough like this.\n
I donât know how much burden Iâve put on her. How much worry did I put on her?\n
It was only after I lost her that I understood the weight of it all.\n
At the funeral, both Sayaka and my father cried. As I listened to them cry, I felt as if I was being blamed. Itâs all my fault. She searched late into the night for me and tried to protect me at her own peril.\n
I was the only one who lived happily, and my mother was the only one who died.\n
I couldnât accept that fact.\n
My relatives and neighbors knew about my bad behavior.\n
Even if they didnât tell me directly, I could feel their eyes on me. The voices I heard leaking out of the room were all bad-mouthing me.\n
What a helpless child. Itâs his fault she died. I wish he had died.\n
I didnât feel angry at those words. All I could think was, âYeah, thatâs trueâ.\n
I couldnât look up. All I could do was keep my head down during the funeral.\n\n\n\nIt was from that day on.\n
Thatâs when I started to stay indoors.\n
The accident was recorded on the tankerâs video recorder. So the police asked me very few questions.\n
I didnât want to talk to anyone. I never talked to anyone except the police. Whenever I tried to talk, my brain would start working on its own. My brain kept trying to show me the worst scene I had ever seen.\n
Every time an ambulance passed in front of my house, I covered my ears.\n
Donât remind me, I chanted in my mind. I huddled and closed my eyes. There was nowhere left for me to run. No matter how hard I tried, reality would never change.\n
I thought about my mother.\n
No matter how much I treated her like crap, she never gave up on me. She always cared about me and thought about me. More than once, she tried to listen to me. It was all my fault that I didnât talk to her and kept this frustration to myself.\n
I donât even know why I was so stubborn.\n
âEven now, I sometimes remember the despair I felt.\n
I spat out bubbles in the river.\n
The delinquents beat me up and threw me into the river, and I felt like it canât be helped.\n
This is what I deserve.\n
Wounded, trapped in a dark world, and sinking.\n
No matter how I try, I canât get back to normal. Itâs not just about my mother. I, and everyone else, have to accept what is lost as lost.\n
Despair is a terrible feeling.\n
I thought I would never be able to act cheerful again. Because of the guilt. I wouldnât be able to feel happy.\n
I thought I was going to die with this feeling in my heart.\n
âŠâŠ, but it wasnât.\n
Iâve been able to rebuild my life like this again.\n
I can crawl up from the depths of despair and live again for a new purpose.\n
The suffering and pain have not completely disappeared.\n
But I am still able to move forward.\n
The door to my room opened.\n
Light shined in.\n
I look at the hand that is extended to me and finally decide to take it.\n
Both Sayaka and my father are important people to me.\n
I opened my eyes. I donât care if it hurts from the water, I opened my eyes.\n
I put strength into my body.\n
The blood starts to flow again. I slowly regained consciousness.\n
I could feel something hot burning inside me.\n
I could hear my heart beating. Iâm still alive like this.\n
At the bottom of the river, my right hand touched something. I grabbed it and looked up.\n
I moved my arm and struggled. There is a faint flicker of light on the surface of the water. I wondered if it was the light of a street lamp. I swam hard in that direction.\n
Gradually, the light gets closer and closer.\n
I reached for the light.\n
My body rose to the surface.\n
Then, once again, I emerge from the water.\n\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator is-style-wide">\nTN: Well, the work is yet to be completed.\n\n