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The prep school was over and the city was getting dark.
I thought I should go straight home, but my feet were going in a different direction from home. I didn’t want to move, but my feet were moving. The intention is in my feet, not in my head, and I continue walking with an ambiguous destination.
I turn a few corners and almost bump into someone walking down the street looking cold. I wanted to pretend I didn’t know where I was going, but I could see the signs and knew where my feet were heading, even if I didn’t want to.
After walking a few dozen meters, I reach the bookstore where I forgot my wallet and was given 5,000 yen by Miyagi.
Lost in a place where automatic doors seem to open and not open.
Do I go in, or do I just turn around and go home?
I am not so driven that I have to rush home and study.
「Come to think of it, I don’t remember buying it yet.」
I remember that I have not yet bought the magazine that Umina always reads. School starts tomorrow. It doesn’t bother me if I don’t have it, but it’s something I’d rather have if I’m going to fit a story in, so I head inside the bookstore.
I walk around the large store.
I don’t have so much time that I have to buy a magazine and leave right away. I take another lap around the bookstore and head sluggishly to the magazine section.
「It’s over here, no?」
About a year and a half ago.
I was a sophomore and met Miyagi here, still asking for orders in exchange for 5,000 yen. Although I sometimes break my promises, I don’t think our relationship has changed since then.
But that doesn’t mean that it hasn’t changed at all.
There have been a number of events and some things have changed. But I don’t feel that the roots of our relationship have changed significantly.
This winter break is no different.
The consideration is a kiss instead of 5,000 yen, but the relationship doesn’t seem to have changed much.
I stop in front of a shelf lined with magazines and pick up one of the books with fancy writing.
I flip through the pages and put it back where it belongs.
After repeating the same thing several times, I head to the cash register with the magazine that Umina buys every month.
There is a wallet in my bag.
No 5,000 yen comes out from behind my back, and I payed for it myself and receives the bag containing the magazine.
I look at my phone and see that not much time has passed yet.
My feet move of their own accord toward the shelf of mangas.
Walking leisurely up to a shelf full of comic books, I see a familiar back. It had to be Miyagi, although she was wearing a coat I had never seen before and a scarf she didn’t usually wear.
I hadn’t even looked at her for two rounds.
Miyagi is checking out a new book and doesn’t notice me.
I am just as lost as when I entered this store.
I didn’t come to the bookstore to meet Miyagi, but if I approached her, she would think I was here to see her.
Coincidence.
By accident.
Not by design.
I came to buy a magazine and Miyagi was just there.
I put up excuses in my mind and grabbed the bag containing the magazine tightly. I did not come to see Miyagi, but it’s true that I thought she might be there.
I am not happy with our current relationship.
I complained that she cannot be approached without making a number of excuses in this way. I don’t know if it’s the same kind of dissatisfaction, but Miyagi also seems to be dissatisfied with the current relationship. Otherwise, she wouldn’t want to sleep with me or check my pendant. If things were the same as before, she wouldn’t ask me to help her study during the winter break or tell me that I can stay over.
I take a small breath.
「Miyagi.」
I call out to her at a volume that does not disturb those who are selecting books. But Miyagi does not look at me.
It seems as if she is ignoring me even though she can hear me, or it seems as if her voice is just too low to be heard.
My feet start to move as if I should just walk away.
And I am disappointed in myself and in Miyagi, who does not turn around.
We know how to get rid of dissatisfaction.
We just need to make a few changes to our commitments.
For example, she could decide that it’s okay to talk to me at school.
For example, she could decide that it is okay to see me on her days off.
For example, we could become friends.
There are a number of other things I could change, but I don’t have the courage to make a major change in my commitment. The amount of courage I have in me is only enough to call out to Miyagi again.
「Miyagi.」
When I shouted a little louder than before, Miyagi turned around and called me,「Sendai-san.」
「Did you come here to buy manga?」
Standing next to her, I looks at the book Miyagi is holding in her hand.
「Yeah. What about Sendai-san?」
「I’m here to buy my usual magazine.」
When I show her the bag in my left hand, she replied,「Oh, I see,」and the conversation breaks off. Miyagi takes a few steps away from me and picks up some mangas. My eyes are drawn more to the scarf covering her neck than to the manga.
「Okay, I’ll go to the register.」
Miyagi says, as if declaring that she will go home first, and starts to walk away. I silently follow her.
「
Sendai-san. I’m going home after I buy this.」
Miyagi stops her foot.
「Okay.」
「Why are you following me?」
「You didn’t say bye-bye.」
I understood that she wanted to leave without me, but there was no greeting that this was goodbye for today.
「Bye-bye.」
With that said, Miyagi starts to walk away.
I follow her again.
But this time, she doesn’t say anything.
Miyagi pays and receives the bag containing the manga. She then leaves the bookstore without looking back. As I was walking behind her, I heard a cold voice.
「Don’t follow me.」
「Why?」
I ask Miyagi, who only shows me her back.
「I don’t want to be seen walking with Sendai-san.」
「You don’t meet people you know that easily.」
「I might meet them, you know? Sendai-san, you are so quick to say random things.」
「Why don’t you just walk a little?」
「A little?」
Miyagi stops dead in her tracks and looks back.
「A little.」
「
Well, maybe just a little walk.」
It’s not a very welcoming voice, but it’s not a voice I don’t like either. I say,「Well, here’s fine then,」and take three steps to go next to Miyagi.
「Where is that?」
「Where I’m at right now, no?」
I don’t know either, because I haven’t decided where that is.
Miyagi has not pursued it further either.
We somehow started walking together, and I tugged on Miyagi’s scarf, which had been bothering me since we were in the bookstore.
「Isn’t it unusual to see you wearing a scarf?」
「This is not unusual. It’s cold today.」
But even on a day so cold that it looked like it might snow, Miyagi was not wearing a scarf. In my memory, she sometimes wears a warm coat, but not a scarf. Shivering is not a reason to wear a scarf. So “because it’s cold,” is not a reason to wear a scarf.
「Can I borrow that for a second?」
I tug at the scarf again.
「I don’t want to.」
「It’s fine.」
「I said it would be painful if you pulled it.」
Miyagi says depressingly and pushes my shoulder. Still not letting go of the scarf, Miyagi stopped and sighed so loudly that everything in this city seemed to turn white.
「I’ll take it off, so let go of me.」
Following her troublesome voice, I honestly let go of her hand. Then the scarf was immediately removed and came to me.
「
This scarf, what was this for?」
I stare at the turtleneck knit that has appeared from under the scarf.
「I told you it was just cold right now.」
「I thought it was to hide that.」
This is foul play.
Why Miyagi wears a scarf, which she usually does not.
It was to cover the hickey I had given her a few days earlier, and I knew that once the scarf was gone, I would be able to see the marks that might still be there.
「It’s gone.」
Like me, Miyagi did not say what she was trying to hide, but she did not say what had disappeared.
「Really?」
「Really.」
「Let me see it.」
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「I don’t want to.」
I hear a voice colder than the winter wind and the scarf disappears from my hand. Miyagi pushes the bag containing the manga toward me and rewraps the scarf. Then she took the bag as if to take it away and slowly walked away.
I was a second-year student, and I was retracing the path I first walked with Miyagi.
Miyagi, who was silent and did not speak then, is still silent now. But unlike then, I don’t mind the silence now. Nor do I wish I had gone straight home.
「Sendai, how long are you going to follow me? This isn’t your home.」
I can hear the discontent in her voice and know that Miyagi does not feel the same way.
「You told me to stop there, right?」
「Because I’m already there. Bye-bye, see you.」
Miyagi spits out thorny words with white breath.
「Wait.」
I grab Miyagi’s arm as she is about to walk away.
「I’m not waiting. Let me go.」
「If you want me to let you go, show me your neck.」
「I told you I didn’t want to.」
「I want to see it. Let me see it.」
If it’s gone, I’d like to put it on again.
This time, I don’t want it to disappear for much longer.
So that it will be visible at school.
「Absolutely not.」
Miyagi slaps my hand, which grabs my arm.
「Stingy. I’m not asking you to take off your clothes, so that’s fine.」
I have no choice but to let go, but then I complain because I’m not satisfied.
「If you asked me to take off my clothes in a place like this, you would be something more than a pervert and you could be caught. I mean, I’ll call the cops on you, so why don’t you get caught?」
「Really, Miyagi is so harsh.」
We are the same whether the marks we wear remain or not. I know that such a thing won’t change our current relationship, but I wish something would change. Otherwise, I don’t think Miyagi would have met me when she was accepted to the same university as Utsunomiya.
「Sendai-san. I’m really going home, so don’t follow me.」
「Okay. See you.」
There should be something else to say, but the only words that come out of my mouth are these.
「See you.」
Miyagi waved her hand without saying farewell to me.
I waved back and Miyagi started walking toward home.