I had encountered Kururi Kurumizawa, but then Shiho disappeared instead ⦠and from there the peaceful routine was disrupted.
I never dreamed that a romantic comedy that had been so peaceful would be so turbulent.
There was no way I could have predicted that I myself would change so much.
I loved Shiho so much.
I was going to devote myself only to her.
But I betrayed her.
I am ashamed of myself. Iām ashamed of my weak will and I disgust⦠myself.
Now I hate me.
Thatās why I hesitate to touch Shiho.
This is who I am ā and I have come to deny myself, as I used to do.
āIām⦠Iām sorry.ā
By the time I had finished my story, I could no longer look at Shihoās face. I was afraid to look at her face, let alone make eye contact, so I turned my head down.
I was scared.
I didnāt dare to know what she was feeling.
Was she hurt?
Was she sad?
Was she disappointed?
Was she dismayed?
Either way, I didnāt want to admit to myself that I had made her feel that way.
I could not accept this reality.
So, I wanted to remain unaware and hesitated.
Even that is the same as ārunning awayā and I still feel ashamed of myself.
Ah⦠as expected, itās no good.
Iām in a loop of self-denial, and no matter what I do, think, or say, I will never forgive me.
āIām really, really sorry ⦠for betraying you, Shiho.ā
I confided everything to her.
I told them honestly about studying together, sleeping together, the kissā¦, and everything else.
I couldnāt hide it.
Even if this hurt herā¦, it would hurt me more to hide it from her.
Shiho wanted to know everything about me.
Then, explaining everything was the only way I could redeem myself.
āIf I had been able to reject her more firmlyā¦, if I had abandoned my weird obsessions and rebelled against my mother,⦠if I had been able to care for Shiho more and more,⦠if I had been able to care for myself moreā¦!ā
Absolutely, this would not have happened.
I canāt stop feeling. I know that saying āwhat ifā is meaningless, but I couldnāt help but say it.
I donāt know what I want myself to do.
Do I want forgiveness?
Or do I want punishment?
Or do I want encouragement?
Or do I want her to tell me that she hates ⦠me?
Because if Shiho said that to me, I would give up.
Because if she rejects me, Iāll just throw it all away and not try to do anything.
So, do I want ⦠her to deny me, just like I deny myself?
āThese thoughts go through my brain.
Then I felt somewhat relaxed.
Yes, if she hates me, everything is over.
Even the god of romantic comedies would be disgusted with me if the main heroine hates me.
Nothing would change anyway.
Iāll just be another mob character like before.
If thatās the case, well, ⦠whatever.
A feeling of desperation makes me abandon my thoughts.
For a moment, I looked up, desperate to get away from it all.
Shiho confirmed ⦠what kind of feelings she had for me.
But ā unlike me ā she was always straightforward.
āI forgive you.ā
The emotion Shiho was expressing was not what I expected.
She was smiling gently.
āKotaro-kun, you canāt forgive yourself⦠so Iāll forgive you instead.ā
āI forgive you.
The moment she told me that, my knees suddenly collapsed.