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“Haa…”
I sighed constantly as I sat on the bench next to the playground. I was as lonely as the chilly autumn. With my elbows on my thighs and my chins on my hand, I glanced down at the empty playground, which appeared even gloomier.
The bag I was still carrying on my shoulder was becoming heavier. It seemed like the weight of life itself. I pondered how I would get to school tomorrow. I was filled with tears and sadness at the same time as the thought. It was all because of my older brother. No, it was because of Lim Dae-han. No, it was because I was kissing in front of the apartment, but instead of stopping, I kissed Dae-han’s lips again because I like it.
I stomped my foot on the ground in the intense emotion that churned like a wave. But nothing was resolved.
“…”
I took my phone from my pocket. There were seven calls. All of them came from my older brother. Dae-han had just left one message, asking if I had gone into my house.
I couldn’t think of anything to say. I was a fool. I promised to tell him the truth, but I lacked the confidence to contact him. Then I have to inform him that my older brother saw us kissing. It was much more difficult to tell that my older brother insulted him by calling him a bastard.
I could have lied if I had to, but I wasn’t very good at lying.
My lips licked. Let’s just spend the night alone outside. Anyway… I’d be sitting here on the playground all night regardless. It was a playground in an apartment complex, so it should be safe. Life was always like that. Life was all about being alone. There was no need for family… or a brother.
“What if hyung tells our parents…”
My brother will tell them for sure. Ki Young-han was a person who would have woken up our parents if I was in the wrong and said that Ki Young-hyun was dating a man and ran out of the house when he scolded him a little.
Aside from my love for Lim Dae-han, it was nonetheless terrifying. How startled our parents would be if their youngest son, with whom they had spent their entire lives, suddenly became homosexual. And I had no idea what kind of reaction I would get. I’ve never had a conversation like this with my family. Also, even if it was just me, I used to fantasize about having a normal girlfriend until I met Lim Dae-han…
What if my parents find out? If they told me to break up with Dae-han…  No, what if Dae-han found out about this fact and left me in fear…
I closed my eyes tightly. Closing my eyes did not put my complicated thoughts to sleep. I really like Lim Dae-han… I don’t want to break up… However, I did not want to expose my current situation. It was a different feeling from liking him. That was something that everyone does. You don’t want to expose your embarrassing flaws to the person you like.
A loud voice could be heard at that moment. I opened my closed eyes. Three men who looked my age approached the playground. I looked over at the seat next to me. Next to me was an ashtray made of clay pots with a bench where four more could sit. They were heading in this direction.
The men approached me as soon as I thought about it.
It was not scary. But if there was a fight, it was between three people and me. I only shifted my body slightly. Should I just return home… I was angry at my older brother and hit him in the head, but it appeared that I would be better off staying at home. No. It was the same everywhere.
“Oh, it’s Ki Young-hyun.”
“…?”
When I heard the voice, I raised my head. One of the three people’s faces was familiar. He was my elementary and middle school classmate. His name was Lee Hyun-woo, but that didn’t matter. We were nowhere near one other, and Lee Hyun-woo had been a well-known bully since elementary school. I don’t want to get involved, I don’t want to say anything inappropriate, I just… Anyway, that’s why I glanced up and lowered my head again.
“Hey, someone you know?”
“A friend who lives in the same apartment,” Lee Hyun-woo answered when asked if he knew me. He took the seat across from me. Then he naturally took a cigarette. His companions sat next to him on the bench. I was already upset, but my body tensed as a result of an unexpected guest who appeared out of nowhere. Again, I was never scared.
“Hey, Ki Young-hyun. It’s been a while.”
Lee Hyun-woo grinned. I wasn’t sure what to say to him, but he looked like a real neighborhood gangster. It was even worse when he was wearing a short-sleeved T-shirt, which was usually worn when hiking on a sleeve without knowing the weather. Lee Hyun-woo, who dared to steal and put on the sweater I was carrying in front of me, stroked his dry, shriveled legs and spat cigarette smoke.
“Do you really know each other? I don’t think so.”
“Hey, that’s right. Young-hyun-ah, we know each other, right?.”
“… Yes.”
Lee Hyun-woo swung his cigarette-filled finger and tapped my knee with the back of his hand. I shrugged my knees in fear that the cigarette ashes might fall.
“Does your brother still look out for you?”
Lee Hyun-woo spoke in an obnoxious tone. My slightly tense eyes shifted to him. I was still very sensitive about my older brother.
“Your older brother came out to the playground and was so mean to me. A long time ago.”
“It’s because you’re bothering me.”
I also countered the sharp tone without realizing it. Lee Hyun-woo’s expression also hardened a little.
“Is it regarded as bothering to play with your friends? That’s how we used to play back then.”
“…You’re the only one who played like that.”
I used to spend all of my time playing on the playground when I was in elementary school. Lee Hyun-woo had been placed on the black list. Even if the kids were playing happily, when Lee Hyun-woo arrived, the group would be disorganized. Even if I was playing with the kids, he would come by and hit them one by one for no apparent reason, leading to a fight.
I was so angry about it. My older brother was probably in middle school or high school at the time. Anyway, I told my older brother about it, and he even skipped a supplementary class to scold Lee Hyun-woo really hard, just as Lee Hyun-woo stated.
“When I think about that time, I still get really pissed off.”
Lee Hyun-woo gritted his teeth. I looked at Lee Hyun-woo without saying a word.
“Looks like you got a bone in your throat.”
“…”
“Why. Go and tell your older brother again.”
The bridge of my nose twitched.  I couldn’t figure out why it was twitching like this. I clenched my fists tightly, spread them out, and jumped up from my seat.  After that, I grabbed Lee Hyun-woo’s neck. Lee Hyun-woo, who was helpless and raised his body, was about the same height as mine.
I was unmistakably a coward in fighting. I continued to grip his neck at this point. Lee Hyun-woo laughed and giggled to himself before becoming serious.
“Let go.”
“You picked a fight first.”
“Let me go.”
A stream of curses followed. Lee Hyun-woo raised his fist and smacked my cheek followed with a filthy swear word without hesitation. Smack, the sound was different from when I hit my older brother in the head. My head swung around and I fell to the ground. There was the taste of blood in my mouth.
“Ki Young-hyun. You shouldn’t touch someone who didn’t do anything and stay still.”
Lee Hyun-woo finished speaking and slapped the same cheek with his palm for no apparent reason. It wasn’t quite as bad as it had been, but it was still powerful.
Kaak-chui, Lee Hyun-woo, who collected phlegm by my side and spit it out, said, “Fuck, my palm hurts to death.” He was rubbing his wrists while saying it, and then he left with his friends.
My self-esteem was already hurt, and I had no idea why I had been slapped in the face at such a late hour. My face was flushed with humiliation.
I rose to my feet from the ground. I dashed forward and jumped on Lee Hyun-woo’s back without hesitation.
For reference, I’ve always lived by the law rather than the fist, and one patience rather than the law, so I was quite impatient in a fight.