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At the age of eighteen. I learned one thing while rushing through my perilous adolescence. Nothing in my life worked out the way  I wanted it to.
The uncomfortable vibe I had unwittingly felt slowly became real and seized me. My older brother sat down on the bed as soon as we entered the room together. I drew my chin up and raised my eyes in front of my older brother. I looked around and asked.
“What about Mom and Dad?”
“In their bedroom.”
“Oh…”
I shook my head since I had nothing to say.
He seemed to be spitting fire from his eyes as he looked at me. I was pierced for no apparent reason, and I slowly bowed my head in response to my brother’s stare. I looked at the white socks I was wearing. I had no idea what was wrong with him. I was embarrassed for occasionally scolded for no apparent reason, so I simply wriggled my toes. After a moment of silence, my older brother spoke up.
“What did you do outside?”
“…”
As soon as he finished speaking, I stopped wriggling my toes. My blood had completely drained from my body, and my muscles appeared to have stiffened. I looked at my brother while protruding my top lip like a bird. What did I do outside? After being upset by Dae-han before coming in, all I did was kiss him a few times.
But I couldn’t tell my brother that. Instead, I swiftly diverted his gaze to the side and then locked my gaze on my brother’s. My brother frowned when I couldn’t respond. He then asked once more. It was a harsh tone that was far from curious. He knew everything.
“What were you doing outside, with that bastard?”
“…”
“Aren’t you talking?”
“…Hyung, did you see it?”
That was the most I could say. Obviously, no one was around. I would have sensed a human presence if there was one. Perhaps not. Perhaps I didn’t notice him since he was up there. Nonetheless, because it was a quiet apartment complex, I must have sensed the presence of a light turning on.
I blinked my eyes in front of my older brother. He breathed deeply and swept his hair. Unlike me, my brother’s light brown hair was spread between his fingers.
“Is this the time for you to flirt? Studying all night is not enough.”
“…”
“And then you go out with a guy.”
“…”
“And with that bastard too.”
I could have endured that if my older brother had said something demeaning about me. Contrary to my social standing and knowledge, I could have suffered if the vulgar language that did not enter my mind at all was directed at me.
Because he was originally that kind of person. I knew that he was a human being who didn’t know how to interact with people and merely spewed out what was there. I also shared a house with my older brother at one point.
‘Young-han, what should I do about him?’ my parents asked my older brother, who had caught me like a rat. ‘What are your plans for your social life later?’ ‘Young-han is all right. Don’t even consider getting married. Because I feel bad for the woman who will be your wife.’ I was terrified when they continued to say things mixed with concern, but it was okay.
But it was difficult when the arrow was aimed at Dae-han rather than me. I was irritated to see my older brother who didn’t know much about Dae-han and judging only by his outward appearance.
“…”
My expression stiffened without me realizing it. I focused all of my attention on my gaze, yet my nose twitched.
“… He’s not like that.”
“What do you mean no?”
My brother snorted as if he needed to finish his sentence quickly. I could put up with the persistent attitude of disdain. However… Today I was more than twice as irritated as usual. I was having a difficult time with Lim Dae-han, and my older brother made it even more difficult for me. But my brother seemed unconcerned about me and continued to speak.
“What are you staring at? Are you mad at me for calling your boyfriend a bastard?”
My stomach was boiling. If water had been placed on it, it would have already boiled and steamed.
I didn’t say anything. Swallowing the anger, I bit my lip. My eyes were puffy. Suddenly all the trials seemed to have been poured out on me. I’d rather have a separate conversation with Dae-han even if I come home a little late today.
To be honest, I didn’t want him to attend a career class. His grades have greatly improved, and his family is not financially strapped, therefore I’ll tell him to study for the college admission exam. I wished to spend my early twenties with him. I was going to postpone being hit by work by saying that I want to spend my time like other university couples, even if they don’t become campus couples. Then it wouldn’t have bothered me at all no matter how much my older brother was grumbling in front of me right now…
“Does he planning on going to college?”
“…”
I raised my head in response to my older brother’s question. My brother was seated on the bed and I was standing, so my gaze must have been higher, but I’m always discouraged in his presence. Why do you have to ask that? I pursed my lips, then gently closed my eyes and shook my head.
“If he doesn’t go, then don’t go. Why bothering someone else…”
I raised my head in response to my older brother’s statements. I was taken aback, and my voice quivered automatically as a result of the feelings I couldn’t control.
“Why, why do you say that…?”
“What?”
“Hyung saw it, too. Me and him kiss, kissing. But why do you say that?”
My voice rose without me realizing it. My older brother said sullenly, “Keep your voice down. Our parents will hear.” But it didn’t matter to me.
I clenched my fists tightly. My cold hands trembled. My older brother doesn’t know anything about Lim Dae-han.
After I dated Lim Dae-han, he didn’t drink, he didn’t smoke, and he studied hard.  He went to school all the time, kept in touch with me every night, and always took me home. He never went out at night for drinks. And no matter how much I insisted on sleeping at his house, I only slept for one night. Because he was afraid my parents would be worried.
So, my older brother didn’t have the qualifications to say this and that about Dae-han.
“Hyung… You don’t know anything about Dae-han.”
I gasped for air, as I was about to cry. My nose was twitching, but first and foremost, my eyes were swelling with tears. I couldn’t figure out why I constantly wanted to cry as soon as I get a little emotional. I would never be able to defeat my older brother in my lifetime. No, I never thought of winning in the first place.
However, controlling my emotions became tough as the tears began to flow. I spat out a word that was stuck in my throat.
“Hyu-, hyung, don’t be nosy about my life.”
I then raised my fist and hit my older brother on the head. Kwak, there was a sound.
“Ugh.”
A voice came out from my older brother. It was the first time I had hit my brother in anger. I thought it would be cool, but it made me feel even worse.
I was a pacifist who tolerated the fist on occasion, but I preferred the law over the fist. And I couldn’t believe I was swinging my fists like that.
“…”
And then there’s Ki Young-han…
I slowly lowered my head, which was turned towards my brother. I stared down at my trembling fists.
“You punk…”
He covered his head with one hand and tilted his head with an annoyed expression on his face.  His sharp eyes become menacing. He stood up slowly, chewing his lower lip. When my older brother stood up, I die. Obviously, curses would be pouring out from him, or maybe, maybe he was going to hit me this time.
I stared at my older brother, shocked, and took an awkward step as if hooked in a chain. Then, without looking back, I left the room and ran out of the house. I couldn’t even put on my shoes properly when the front door flung open, “Hey, Ki Young-hyun!” My brother yelled at me. If I got caught, I’d die.
At the age of eighteen, it was the first runaway in my life.