Despite the precious opportunity to talk to Crown Prince, not wanting to see them together I rushed out of the room as if running away.
I was no good. Even though like this I canât fulfill my assigned role.
I shouldâve been prepared to not be upset seeing that woman⊠no, her close to Crown Prince.
Despite that, it was too much for me to endure and it turned out like this.
One of the royal guards stationed in front of the room called out to me.
When asked whether I finished my business, I vaguely nodded, and was told to follow to the general area.
The royalty quarter is not a place where Iâm allowed to act freely.
Since she received the Kingâs Flower, surely she can walk around nonchalantly⊠Together with Crown Prince.
ââŠâ
Just imagining it made my chest hurt, unconsciously I hung my head.
Seeing my obviously strange state, the royal guard asked me if Iâm alright.
As I nodded and noncommittally said Iâve been affected by those two, he strangely agreed.
âAh, His Highness went there a while ago. Itâs certainly astonishing watching it firsthand. His Highnessâs infatuation with Princess Consort is a famous story even among us royal guardsâ
For your own sake itâs better to pretend not to look . Despite the exasperation on the royal guardâs face as he said that, he showed a positive sentiment towards those two.
From that I realized sheâs already recognized as the princess consort inside the castle. Even if I understand it canât be helped, I couldnât help but find it painful. I clenched my fists tight.
I shouldâve given up, I shouldâve clearly understood itâs hopeless, and yet why couldnât it be me, I wondered.
The answer is extremely simple.
Because Crown Prince chose her. Thatâs all.
âThere we go, we have arrived. Is the carriage arranged?â
â⊠Yeah, itâs already standing by, so itâs okay. Thanksâ
I thanked the royal guard who escorted me to the general area and parted from him.
The carriage is just nearby. While enduring the chest pain, I boarded the marquis houseâs carriage that had already been waiting.
While sitting on the seat in the carriage alone, I looked back on my todayâs actions.
Ultimately, did I succeed. Did I fail. I shouldâve more or less accomplished the mission âBecome friendsâ that I had thought impossible.
I was honestly surprised how easily she forgave me for taking such insolent attitude the previous time, but what I seek for is not her ability as the Crown Princess. I donât care about that.
I just want Crown Princeâs love to be mutual, thatâs all.
â⊠I wish I couldâve endured a little longerâ
Looking at it like that, today my result is zero.
Itâs been several days since then. Perhaps the relationship between Crown Prince and her may too have changed a little. For that reason, I shouldâve stayed there and grasped the accurate understanding of the situation. ButâŠ
âI couldnât see itâ
The gaze Crown Prince directed at her.
The sweet expression he wouldnât show to anyone that said he couldnât help but hold her dear.
Having that flaunted so close, the love I shouldâve given up on ached.
Even though I understand itâs impossible his heart would turn to me.
His whole heart is hers, he only showed us the obligatory smile. Seeing the enchanted smile directed at her, we understood well how devoid of meaning the smile turned towards us was. We couldnât not understand.
Still, itâs the reality I fell in love with him. Even if I understand this love was shattered, my heart still continues hurting.
I couldnât stand that situation.
Thinking back on that scene, I let out a large breath inside the carriage.
âIn the end, I didnât understand anythingâŠâ
Even though I had intended to resolve myself, after all my heart didnât leave unscathed.
I scorned such me for my foolishness. At the same time, I lost strength thatâs been in me all the time.
At that momentââââ.
Suddenly, I noticed. I unexpectedly saw what I couldnât see.
â⊠AhâŠâ
I slowly opened my eyes in astonishment.
At that time, I vigorously pushed on unable to forgive her for not being self-aware regarding Crown Prince. But, thinking about it very carefully, my feelings arenât such excessive selfish expectations of her. I finally noticed.
Because, in the end my wish is to make her abandon that love, itâs nothing but such a most selfish thing.
For that reason, I wanted her to go through something scary.
No matter who you ask, itâs an awful thing.
âI see, isnât that right⊠Somebody like me has no qualifications to say anything about their problems, I shouldâve known that from the start⊠To only notice something so obvious this late, how foolishâ
If I had thought normally, I shouldâve noticed. Itâs not a matter for me to interfere with. Itâs a problem the two of them should solve.
I softly leaned back, and just like Iâd thought at the start, thought itâd be good to wish for their happiness from afar.
I tightly closed my eyes. I wanted to cry that I only noticed it this late.
âAah⊠Whyâ
Lamenting the surging regret, I covered my face with my hands.
Why havenât I noticed until now. I shouldâve had so many opportunities to turn back.
I was so stupid I even forgot myself in a fit of jealousy, as things are Iâd rather disappear.
I gripped my left upper arm.
Touching there, I was struck with terror that the thing at that time wasnât a dream, that it really happened.
ââââ A few days ago, as a proof of contract I had a magical mark forcibly engraved.
And now itâs hiding inside my upper arm.
When I touch it I feel it insist on its existence with heat.
âIf you fulfill your role, itâll disappear. Itâs just here to make sure you fulfill your promise. You have nothing to worry about if you donât intend to play tricks, right?â
The words of that person resurfaced in my mind.
Itâs fine, youâre just preparing a prank, she said that, but will it really end at that.
My sole comfort is that that personâs social position is well known.
Thatâs why having received her invitation I felt like listening to her story, and after hearing her request eventually agreed, even if reluctantly.
I didnât actually want to nod, still I understood the atmosphere was such that I wouldnât be allowed to leave if I didnât.
Right of veto didnât exist from the time of the invitation.
To be driven by such shameless and trifling jealousy, how foolish of me.
Why didnât I calm down myself a little more. Thinking normally, the invitation itself should be impossible and yet.
Why was I so jealous of her. Sheâs loved by Crown Prince.
The shame is unbearable. But, itâs too late for anything.
Joining my trembling hands, I prayed with all my heart. I donât even know what Iâm praying for anymore.
âPlease, please, let it not be an awful thingâŠâ
If it ends as that person said, thatâs fine. Thatâs the best.
Itâll end up as a needless anxiety and a funny story.
But, supposing it doesnâtâŠ
Whenever I remember that unpleasant smile, a shiver runs down my spine.
Honestly, I absolutely donât think itâll go according to the talk.
Still, I hugged myself and frantically shook my head.
â⊠No, Miriallia. You canât. You canât think thatâ
Thatâs right, itâs pointless to think about it.
Because, I took that personâs hand, Iâm already an accomplice.
I, I have to carry out the assigned mission.
Otherwise, IâllâŠ
âSurely itâll end as she said. Iâll only help a little⊠Right, thatâs allâŠâ
I desperately pretended not to see the unpleasant feeling swirling in my chest.
I repeated to myself to believe. Otherwise, I couldnât stand it.
I already donât think one bit of making her self-aware.
Rather than that, what to do from now on is the problem.
What exactly will it cause, itâs frightening to even imagine.
Rather, I want to kneel before her and Crown Prince and confess everything.
But, I canât do that.
In this magical mark of contract I was given, thereâs also a part that prohibits revealing information. Knowing itâll get used, I canât report anything.
If I do, even a little, surely Iâll die. Itâs not like I was told that directly, but I understand that somehow.
Iâm bound hand and foot, I canât make a single move.
I know itâs the result I invited with my rash behavior. But, itâs too much.
I wish Iâd rather never noticed it. If I stayed foolish like before, I wouldnât be tormented by the feelings of guilt.
As I awakened, I canât even drown the anxiety in jealousy.
While my tears spilled, I noticed a very simple fact.
â⊠Ah, surely I wasnât loved because Iâm so weakâ
I was reminded of the strong light in her eyes.
I understand from only talking a little. With her strong will, surely she wouldnât do something like this. With that alone, I felt I understood why I hadnât been chosen.
I hate that she was chosen by Crown Prince. And Iâm even more jealous.
Then, I got angry she didnât respond to those feelings.
At first, it really should have been just that.
â⊠I wonder why it has turned out like thisâ
Where in the world did I make the mistake.
When I noticed, it had come this far.
I reap what I sow. I know, but I canât say it.
âSomebody, somebody, save meâŠâ
Before I do something that canât be undone.
I perfectly understand itâs a convenient wish. Even soââââ.
Before the words that my shivering lips spun could reach anybody, they were drowned out in the clattering sound of running wheels of the carriage.