Chapter 14 这爱可以有美好的一面吗？（上）Can this love have a beautiful side? (⅓)
Two people on a trip but it's not like a trip, sat in the hostel room. Shi Xi crossed his legs sitting on the chair near the window, he stared at the computer screen without other action. Sometime he wrote too much text but in the end, he doesn't know what he needs to write. Can a person write for a lifetime? Maybe when he's not tired of repeating the text, find a suitable time to stop is the best (time) to retreat. Guo Zhi sat opposite him, he looked down at Shi Xi's ma.n.u.script that was scattered on the table, a chaotic writing, old paper.
[He has an alluring appearance, he has a reputation, he has gold and silver jewellery, his body is wrapped in brocade silk and he has grieved loneliness. He brought a smile at guests, flirting in front of them and he brought the same smile making different men and women stain his body. This is his mask, remove it and he cannot survive. He laughed ah, laughed until tears flowed out his eye socket, no matter who holds him, or who he holds, it cannot help relieve his loneliness. At last, he decided to leave, he brought his loneliness and escaped, he felt it was easy in this way, he thought that everything will restart. But a person who wants to restart, this idea, in the final a.n.a.lysis is just a fine desire nothing more. He after all was caught by several brawny[1] people sent by the woman running a brothel, they shred his brocade silk, robbed his gold and silver jewellery, used a knife to destroy his alluring smile, his body was ravaged. At last the ice-cold point if a knife penetrated his heart, his blood gushed out, his body slowly became ice cold. He got his short lived freedom, he got his eternal death. He was kicked into a dirty ditch, submerged. G.o.d arranged fate for everyone, he thought he could escape but after escaping what can he do, he could have enjoyed his reputation, his gold and silver jewellery, he could've ignore this loneliness. He naively thought he could save himself but in the end, he cannot even feel lonely (anymore).]
[1] muscular, strong and powerful
Guo Zhi cushioned the paper under his elbow, he held his chin in his hands looking out the window: "Shi Xi, What exactly do you write fiction for?, is writing out heavy text in this manner just to make people also be(/feel) heavy?"
"This world itself is heavy."
"So ah," Guo Zhi moved his sight from out the window onto Shi Xi's face: "Help this world ease the pain ba, text can not only warm others but yourself too."
Their distance is separated by a table, Guo Zhi propped up his face looking at Shi Xi, his face had a cold smile.
At 11 o'clock they went out and sat inside a small restaurant. Both did not speak just quietly ate, Guo Zhi's words from his chest heaped up to his throat throat, he wanted to talk but he thought of his father's set house rules, when eating he cannot talk, it would be very bad mannered, this house rule bound his freedom.
House rules and the mood of wanting to talk to Shi Xi struggled in his heart, finally Guo Zhi bit the chopsticks: "Shi Xi." He only called out Shi Xi's name but his heart was incomparably jumpin for joy.
"What?"
"No reason, Shi Xi, Shi Xi, Shi Xi." He didn't stop calling Shi Xi's name, this house rule has long been broken, Guo Zhi suddenly felt rather relaxed. After knowing Shi Xi, he has done many things that he wouldn't have dared to do and thought off in the past.
"Shi Xi, maybe you are my angel."
"Do not ruin my appet.i.te when eating."
"I have not, look at that cute baby in their mother's arms."
"Shi Xi, What do you think is different about university and high school?"
"Shi Xi, how tall will I grow this year?"
Guo Zhi talked too many words in this meal, it didn't even matter that Shi Xi didn't answer, people are hurrying to and from the restaurant. Guo Zhi's face brought a smile talking about interesting things in the past, talking about life now, talking about Shi Xi. He held chopsticks making lively gestures, they sat there. Outside the French window is a crowd hurriedly pa.s.sing, inside the french window are noisy diners but it's as if everything around is blurred leaving only them clear.
We always have desires to confide to someone non-stop even if the language repeats, (even if it's) meaningless and only want talk to him.
After dinner, they stood under the scorching sun not knowing where to go, they did not have a purpose. A couple pa.s.sed by them, their face with happiness, their hands were tightly held together. Guo Zhi suddenly asked: "Have you thought about writing love?"
"What is there to write about,"
"That's because you haven't tried loving."
[T/N what are you suggesting Guo Zhi hmmm]
"Find a person over a lifetime, then what?"
"Then of course it's happiness!" Guo Zhi thinks that happiness is love's only outcome. He in this way naively continued to say: "Love is in fact beautiful, I feel that any/everything has its good side."
"Once we all have our own good, then what? That is still only a segment of memories, the road after that can you survive on the basis of memories?" Shi Xi smashed Guo Zhi's innocence, Guo Zhi was thinking of living in the moment and (what) Shi Xi cared about more was then[2]
[2] This means that he cares about what's going to happen after, he's thinking ahead whereas Guo Zhi is just thinking of living in the present/making the most out of living in the moment.
"Have you also had it?"
"I haven't"
"Then find a person to give you good ba." Guo Zhi kicked the stone on the ground: "Maybe you should find a girlfriend, try to fall in love. It will help your writing." This sentence is what Guo Zhi wanted to say but after saying it, he wanted to withdraw this sentence. He always does not understand feeling and he doesn't want to understand, perhaps he is afraid of understanding.
"Try, with who? You? Then will I be able to get the happy successful ending?" Shi Xi's string of answer a question with a question was easily asked.
Guo Zhi's expression was suddenly stiff, he desperately shook his head, in a firm voice: "I can't, I am a boy."
Shi Xi observed Guo Zhi's reaction, it seems he is aware of what, not knowing it's his innate evil at work or something else, he finally punctured Guo Zhi's feelings.
"But you've always liked me, isn't that right?"
This question came rapidly, it's rather painful. Guo Zhi's face paled, his hands lifted out of control severely slapping Shi Xi's face: "It isn't, what like. I do not like, i'm not a h.o.m.os.e.xual." Guo Zhi stared at Shi Xi, his tears uncontrollably flowed from his eyes, his whole body rigidly trembling. He rushed hysterically roared at Shi Xi: "I'm not gay, i'm not. I hate gays in this lifetime!" after speaking, he ran away staggering.
Once he wanted to see what Guo Zhi's only smiling face looked like when he cried, not Shi Xi has seen it, he rather regrets it.
Guo Zhi ran hard, so hard his fingers trembled unable to hold anything. He felt that not only was his body in pain but even his internal organs (heart, spleen, liver, lungs and kidneys.) were.
Will be given strange glances by other people, will suffer unspeakable abuse, will be regarded as a monster and become others pastime chatting content, will be reprimanded by everybody, everybody, including his own biological parents.
So can there be a bright side to this special love? No, no there isn't.