I leaned back on my chair and stretched my body lightly. Before I knew it, there was a large iridescent cloud outside the window. The sight captivated me as I stared at it, trying to trace its outline.
āWhat am I even doing?ā
I took a glance at my phone, sitting on my desk. I knew that there was no way thatĀ heĀ would call me at this hour, but I couldnāt help but get my hopes up.
Then, I picked up my pencil again and resumed my studies. I couldnāt be lax in my studies, lest the other participants of the upcoming exam would overtake me.
Since I had no real plans for the summer vacation, I decided to just follow what I normally did in my holidays. I woke up and went to bed at the same time, studying and resting at the same time and taking a short walk or listening to music for a change of pace sometimes.
If I were to study all day long, I wouldnāt last more than three days, so I set a schedule on when to rest.
āHowās everything going?ā
āIām doing well so far. As long as I keep this up, I should be fine.ā
āNo, I didnāt ask about that, but your health.ā
I was licking an ice cream in the living room when mom approached me with a concerned look.
āDonāt worry, Mom, Iām doing fine.ā
āIs that so? Well, thatās great then. I donāt really care about your entrance exam because I know that youāll do just fine.ā
āThank you, Mom. Iāll do my best!ā
If I got accepted into the university I wanted to enter, would my mom be happy about it? She had been worrying about me for so long, I wanted to make her happy just for once.
I wouldnāt go into the same university as Sui. Our courses were different in the first place and our grades were also different. After we graduated, we might never see each other again.
Back when I confessed to him, I did something that was out of character for me because of the strong feelings that I experienced for the first time. Just remembering it made me feel embarrassed.
His confused expression was engraved in my memory and I couldnāt get rid of it even if I wanted to. I never expected him to make that kind of face. I probably never told him about my feelings before this.
Ifā¦
Back then, he accepted my confessionā¦
I wonder what would have happened?
What a silly girl I am, asking myself such a stupid questionā¦
Honestly, I just didnāt want to leave him.
The thoughts of him graduating and going away to a place I didnāt know, a place where he could be away from me, made me feel bitter. I knew that no matter how much I tried to reach out to him, he would never stay by my side. That was why I wanted a clear connection with him, so he would never leave my sideā¦
I knew that I sounded overbearing, but this was the only chance I had and I would probably never get the same chance later in my life. I believe that everyone would act the same as me if they were in my shoes.
* Ā * Ā *
{When will you have the time?}
āAnytime. I have no plans for the vacation.ā
{Oh my~ You arenāt going on dates with Sui?}
āO-Of course not! Why would I even do that?!ā
{But didnāt you two have one a while ago?}
āT-That one wasā¦ It wasnāt a date, okay?!ā
{Hm~ Really?~}
āA-Anyway! Back to the previous topic!ā
Tsuru called me and told me about the matter of the study group.
{Then, youāre available for the whole month, right?}
āYes.ā
{What about the place? Any ideas?}
āI donāt knowā¦ At someoneās house, maybe?ā
{Alright, Suiās house then.}
āNo no no no!ā
{Eh, why?~}
āā¦There..ā
{I canāt hear you~}
āIām too nervous to go there!ā
{Kya~ Youāre so cute, Arina~ When did you become this cute?~}
Just kill meā¦
If we were to study at his house, Iād be so nervous to the point that I wouldnāt know what I was reading. I knew that I went there back on New Year, but I didnāt remember anything that happened back then, so it would be awkward if I were to go now. Besides, I wasnāt sure how to handle Ugin. Not to mention that I would be botheringĀ himĀ a lotā¦
{Alright, Iāll come up with something fun for us~}
āAnything is good as long as Iām not going to his house. I wonāt go there. Ever.ā
{Got it, got it~ Alright, talk to you later~}
If I had to go there in the end, I would need to buy some sedative. Iāll make Tsuru kill me if I were to do something shameful.
I put my hair back and decided to go back to studying.
āIāll do my best!ā
I stretched a little before going to my desk again.
* Ā * Ā *
Two days later.
Like previous days, today was also hot. The cicadas sure were amazing, they could still sing energetically in this kind of weather. I would pass out after a few minutes if I were them.
I took refuge in the living room because our AC was in there and decided to watch a show about ghosts. For your information, I didnāt believe that they existed.
Suddenly, my phone rang. Tsuru called me.
āYes? Hiwa here.ā
{Arina? Take a deep breath and listen to me calmlyā¦ Ugin-chan called me earlier andā}
The news struck me like thunder. I heard clearly what she said and I thought of my next course of action too, yet I did nothing.
Silence.
Please, someone, anything, make some noiseā¦
I fell to my knees. A deep sense of despair entered my chest and made me unable to stand up.
I had to go.
Yes, I had to go to his side. I had to be by his side.
But the door got further away from me. I couldnāt see properly because of the headache and my breathing got rougher as more time passed.
The world was simply cruel. What did he do to deserve this? Was it a punishment for me? For being greedy, for wanting to be by his side? First, my memory loss and now thisā¦
When he tried to approach me, I left him in the cruelest way possible and when I approached him, he was the one who left me insteadā¦
{Sui is currently in a comaā¦ The cause isā¦ Cerebral ischemiaā¦}
From her tone, Tsuru didnāt seem to be lying. This wasnāt one of her pranksā¦ But I wished that it wasā¦
A sharp pain gouged my chest. Before I knew it, tears started dropping from my eyes and weak sobs leaked out of my mouth. I held my mouth tightly, but it was no use. I couldnāt hold my voice back.
If he were to dieā¦.
That thought came to my mind and made me cry even louder. I knew I should stop thinking about that, but the dark thoughts kept coming and occupied my mind. What if I never hear his voice again?
The world was so unfair. I hadnāt even heard his answer yet.