CH 15.1

It’s been more than a month and a half since I shut myself in the room.

Similar to the first week, I barely stepped out.

Although I had to buy the necessary food and livelihood consumables, I tried not to get involved with others as much as possible.

Don’t let our eyes meet. Don’t speak.

While feeling down about myself, who’s steadily turning gloomy, I’m blankly spending my days.

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Naturally, there’s no way my staying shut in is accepted.

It seems that my absence from school was conveyed to my parents. They came over a number of times.

Mum tried to get me to tell her what’s wrong and tried to invite me out.

I would then shake my head and reject her.

Even she, who tried various things like getting angry or being gentle, has begin to sigh a lot.

It’s probably about time she loses patience.

My heart sinks heavily whenever the weekend comes.

I sigh when I think that I’ll see mum’s face again today.

My heart squeezes in pain when I see the despondency, disappointment and impatience in her eyes.

I can’t help feeling ashamed for shutting myself in and troubling my parents.

Translated at nakimushitl.wordpress.com

I’m sorry, mother.

I apologised numerous times in my heart.

However, I can’t go to school.

I’m running away.

Because I don’t want to choose anything, anymore.

Saturday morning.

Sitting on the bed alone, I hug my knees.

I thought mum would be here again today but surprisingly, only dad came.

It seems that mum couldn’t make it due to work.

I’m relieved that I don’t have to see mum’s face. On the other hand, I’m also perturbed at the situation of being alone with dad.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been alone with dad. Perhaps since elementary school.

Dad, who came to my room, sits down quietly without a word.

Unable to stand the silence, I switch on the television and the two of us watch the television that we don’t even want to watch.

“Yui. What do you want to do?”

As we watch the newscast that has been repeating the same things since morning, dad utters some words.

I drop my gaze after glancing at dad.

“… I don’t want to go to school.”

“I see…”

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Dad nods at my soft voice.

Silence descends again.

We remain like this for a while but dad suddenly stands up.

He then left for grocery shopping.

Dad went to buy some food.

He may be concerned that I’m eating less because I don’t go out much.

After dad put away the cup noodles, etc. that he bought, he brings out something from the grocery bag and goes to the kitchen.

Curious, I observe him. It seems like he started to cook something.

Looking at the clock, it’s lunch time.

I’m not really hungry because I didn’t move much but dad is probably preparing something.

It’s been a long time since I watched dad cook.

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“Done.”

What dad made was omelette rice.

A typical omelette rice.

Placing two portions side-by-side on the dining table and leaving a bottle of ketchup there, he calls me.

After placing our hands together[1], we add ketchup to our own portion.

I deliver it into my mouth.

“… The taste, is strong.”

Translated at nakimushitl.wordpress.com

That’s right.

Father’s cooking always have a strong taste.

It didn’t need the ketchup, huh.

“Father… you’re not going to ask me why I don’t want to go?”

“… Your mother asked you a number of times, didn’t she. Because you didn’t answer, Yui.”

“… Yeah.”

Sorry, father.

Sorry your daughter is like this.

Pretending not to notice my heart that squeezed painfully, I devote myself to eating the omelette rice.

The taste is strong so to thin the ketchup placed on it as possible, I dump the unwanted amount onto the plate.

“Do you remember that we went shopping together when you were an elementary schooler?”

Dad, who had been eating opposite me, utters.

At the sudden reminiscence, I go “Eh?” and look up at dad.

“When was that?”

“Summer. I really wanted to eat a popsicle so we went to the convenience store.”

“Ah, yes.”

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We rarely go shopping together.

I somehow recalled it when he mentioned buying popsicles together.

Dad suddenly brings up wanting to eat popsicles. I accompanied him because I wanted to eat it too.

“Even though we only intended to get popsicles, Yui also bought juice, bought this, bought that and ended up buying a lot.”

“… Yeah.”

That’s right.

Dad’s more indulgent than mum.

That’s why I willfully got him to buy various things.

“Yes… I thought my arms were going to fall off.”

Dad bought everything.

1.5L soft drink, cartoned fruit drink, jelly with fruits in it, pudding, chocolate cup ice cream, shoujo manga magazine…

I’ll carry ‘em all! With that thought I bought them but, on the way home, the plastic bag handles ate into my hands and was extremely painful.

The cicadas’ buzzing was annoying. How nostalgic.

“Aa. I said you were being greedy but in the heat, you walked all the way home with a tearfully face.”

“Yeah…”

Although I brought it upon myself, dad didn’t help me.

Somewhat remembering my feelings back then, I glance reproachfully at him.

And when I do, dad chuckles.

“Because Yui is greedy.”

“… I’m greedy?”

“Yes. Even though you knew you’d have that much trouble, you walked painfully, carrying them with both arms full.”

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I’m greedy.

Those words fall into my chest with a thump.

However, it’s kind of irritating when it’s dad telling me this.

“I’m not greedy. This is normal.”

“Aa… that’s right. It’s normal.”

Dad gives a perfunctory backchannel as he delivers omelette rice to his mouth.

I burst out laughing at his completely unenthusiastic reply.

Dad looks at me probingly.

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“Do you want to return home?”

He spun his words slowly.

I thought it’s about time those words were said to me.

I can’t stay in this room forever.

I know that.

It’s probably thanks to the idle conversation I had with dad until just now.

Those words simply resound in my heart without causing any defiance to sprout.

However, without looking at dad, I quietly mutter.

“I don’t know.”

That’s right. I don’t know.

Is it better if I leave some physical distance by returning home?

But would returning home mean that I chose my parents?

If Chako disappears because of that…

Unable to find the correct answer, my eyes wander aimlessly. Dad removes his gaze from me and looks at the television.

As usual, the same old subject drifts.

Translated at nakimushitl.wordpress.com

“Father and mother[2] will come here next Wednesday.”

“Un.”

“Whether you decide to stop or continue, we need to give the school an explanation.”

“Un.”

“Can you go?”

I close my eyes at dad’s words and give a small sigh.

I don’t want to go.

I want to continue running away like this.

――But, I can’t continue to cause trouble like this.

“… Un. I’ll go.”

I give a small acknowledgement.

It will surely be fine.

I’m only going to school to talk a little.

It’s not choosing anything.

It will be fine.

It will be fine.

I continuously repeat “It will be fine” to my afraid heart.

Looking at such a me, dad eats his omelette rice silently.

He then returns home in the evening.

Translated at nakimushitl.wordpress.com

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The appointed Wednesday.

As per notice, my parents came and we’re going to school.

I place an arm through the sleeve of the uniform I haven’t seen in a while and put on a red, checkered ribbon.

Together with my parents, we head to school.

Class had already begun in school so there’s less people and a still atmosphere hangs in the air.

At the air of the school I haven’t felt in a while, my heart throbs from anxiety.

When I follow behind my parents who wore formal suits, I see my homeroom teacher around the entrance of the new school building.

He exchanges some words with my parents.

For the time being, I bow and pay respects to him.

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He then walks off towards somewhere.

I was sure we were going to converse in the staff room or principal room in the new school building but it seems that’s not the case.

I keep my face down even as I follow the teacher and my parents.

Chako’s nearby.

So is everyone.

They should be in class so we shouldn’t come across each other but I pray desperately in my heart.

Please, don’t let me meet them.

Don’t let me catch anyone’s attention.

Perhaps my backward-looking prayer was heard. We arrive at our destination without meeting anyone.

“This way please, the director is waiting.”

The teacher’s voice resounds.

Where he guided us to was the innermost of the old school building.

It’s a detached-looking house standing quietly in a place away from the main gate.

I didn’t think there’d be a building like this directly next to the rarely-used 2nd sports ground.

As I stare at the door in surprise, my parents enter it.

I hurriedly enter too. My homeroom teacher follows from behind and slowly closes the door.

With our shoes on[3], we’re guided to what looks like a reception room. There’s a man inside.

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“I give my utmost apologies to be taking up your time.”

“Please don’t, I was the one to call you over after all.”

In comparison to dad’s stiff and tensed voice, a kind and soft one sounds out.

The man invites us to sit on the sofa.

From the innermost sits dad, mum and I. Across the table sits the director and my homeroom teacher.

The self-introductions begin and each of us gave our names.

I’d been looking at the floor without letting my eyes meet anyone’s. However, my face raises in shock at the completely unexpected name.

“I am the acting director, Kamo Tomoyuki.”

I look at him with widened eyes.

His long, milk tea-coloured hair is tied behind him.

Eyes of a pretty light blue are looking at me kindly.

He’s apparently the director although he seems young, like he hasn’t reached his 40s.

My eyes turn away in a flash from the kind-looking light blue and stare at the floor with my brows knitted.

My heart throbs loudly and painfully.

Before I knew it, my breath was stuck and the oxygen can’t circulate properly.

Why.

How come.

Translated at nakimushitl.wordpress.com

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[1] The action done before a meal, usually accompanied by saying itadakimasu.

[2] Just in case it sounds confusing, this is Yui’s dad referring to himself.

[3] Most Japanese homes have this area by the entrance where visitors take off their outdoor footwear (and sometimes change to indoor slippers) before they enter the house any further.