After closing the door, I immediately collapsed onto the floor.
I sighed deeply while looking at the ceiling.
“Liesss.”
Natsuhi-senpai’s words are stuck in my mind.
I could still feel the lingering heat on my face.
“Natsuhi-senpai……”
The first time I met him was in the Student Council Room.
At that time, I was being ignored and I thought he was a terrible person.
No, I actually met him when I was doing that kabedon on Kaede before that.
I remember being surprised that there was such an ikemen in school.
For Natsuhi-senpai, who hates homos, he probably thought that I was a disgusting person.
Despite that, ‘I like you,’ he said.
What in the world just happened.
As I thought, the theory that another person had been in his body is more convincing to me.
But I don’t want it to be another person.
Even though he told me he liked me……
“……Eh?”
What was I thinking just now?
It would’ve been better if the Natsuhi-senpai who said he liked me was fake. Then I would have fewer worries.
I feel like I’m standing in front of a door that shouldn’t be opened right now.
No way, it’s dangerous.
I’m not sure, but I should turn back.
I have a lot to worry about.
That’s it. Let’s think about Hina and Kaede’s situation first.
“Hmmm.”
I knew Kaede’s feelings, but Hina’s were unexpected.
So that was the reason they didn’t really get along.
We’ve been together since childhood, and she’s always been there to take care of me. So naturally, I never thought that she would think of me in this kind of way.
I’ll try imagining a future where Hina becomes my ‘girlfriend’.
Going to all kinds of places and events as a couple……
It doesn’t feel out of place, but……there’s nothing that makes my heart race.
Isn’t the future with your lover supposed to be more exciting when you imagine it?
I like Hina, but I think it’s a sibling type of ‘like’.
I’ll try to imagine Kaede in the same way.
Although I would become a homo, it would be fun to be with Kaede and I don’t think it’s bad, but…As I thought, we’re better off being ‘friends’.
I remembered that article I read before.
“If you feel lost, reject them.”
“When you reject them, don’t give them hope and end it once and for all.”
As I thought, let’s tell them my honest feelings.
Hina didn’t convey it to me directly, but let’s tell her what I was told.
I think it’s better to mention it earlier than to wait for someone to say it.
Let’s properly reject the people who gave me letters too.
I made my decision.
“For Natsuhi-senpai……what should I tell him?”
As expected, I returned to my place in front of the door.
“If you feel lost, reject them.”
I’m feeling lost now……right?
If so, I should reject him.
That should be fine but……
“Is that really okay?” I hear the voice of my heart say so.
‘But I should reject him, right? I’m at a loss and neither I nor Natsuhi-senpai are homos.’
I tried to put it into words to solidify my determination, but it felt more painful.
Where’s this pain coming from?
※※※[Part 2]
The next day arrived without much sleep.
”
”
The sky was sunny and the weather was fine, but for some reason, the air felt heavy.
Even the refreshing sunlight is annoying.
Since yesterday, I have been thinking about the same thing, ‘I should reject Natsuhi-senpai’ over and over again.
It’s like giving a suggestion to myself.
My brain is tired.
As I walked down the corridor, my eyes were drawn to the clear blue that entered my line of vision.
It’s Natsuhi-senpai.
I felt uneasy just looking at his face.
While I was distracted from staring at his face, our eyes met.
“!”
Natsuhi-senpai was walking towards me.
The moment I saw that……I ran away.
He clearly wanted to talk to me, and I pretended not to notice even though our eyes met.
I’m afraid to talk to Natsuhi-senpai. I get nervous.
Even now, my heart is pounding hard. I probably wouldn’t be able to speak properly.
He probably thought I was being weird for avoiding him but I couldn’t help running away from him.
“Sighh……let’s calm down.”
Even during class, I couldn’t stop thinking of Natsuhi-senpai.
What was he going to say to me a while ago?
I don’t think I’d be asked to give an answer to his confession; but if we did talk, he would probably say, “Did you think of anything with the few brain cells you have?”
When I thought about that, my face burned as I remembered the scene where I was confessed to.
To hide my blushing face, I placed my elbow on the desk, supported my chin with my palm, and looked far away……
I felt restless the whole time.
If possible, I wanted to roll around while screaming on the bed.
”
”
Let’s cool down a little.
I decided to go to the rooftop during the short rest break.
“Amachi.”
As I hurriedly went up the stairs, I was stopped from behind.
“……”
This voice is……I could immediately tell who it was.
I couldn’t mistake it for a teacher’s anymore.
Immediately, the sound of my pounding heart grew louder.
I’ve already stopped and I can’t make any excuses like, “I didn’t notice you,” but I can’t turn around.
I stepped forward to escape, but……my body wouldn’t move.
Natsuhi-senpai grabbed my arm and I wasn’t able to move forward anymore.
I was surprised and turned around unintentionally. Our eyes met.
I thought Natsuhi-senpai would get angry and say, “Don’t ignore me,” but I couldn’t see any anger on his face.
Far from any anger, I can’t see anything.
I have no idea what he was thinking. He was expressionless.
It can be said that he was being ‘the usual Natsuhi-senpai’; but when I saw that look, I felt worried.
“It’s about what I said before.”
“!”
Of course it was about that confession.
I was nervous about what he was saying and held my breath.
While I stiffened my body, I waited for his next words.
“That……you can forget about it.”
“Eh?”
After saying that, he let go of my hand, turned on his heels with a cool face as if nothing had happened, and walked away.
“……”
I could only silently watch his leaving figure.
I think he said, “Forget about the confession,” but……What does that mean?
Act as if nothing happened, is that it?
“……You’re f*cking kidding me.”
When I realized what his words meant, I clenched my fist in anger.
The force was so intense; my fist shook fiercely as my anger slowly built up.
He thoroughly played around with me……just what does he want!?
What does “Forget about it,” mean!
Even if you’re told to delete your memory, it doesn’t disappear as if you press the delete button and it replies, “Yes, I understand. Beep!”
That’s obviously impossible; that person’s so stupid!
I went up the stairs with a sigh, slammed the door open, and went out to the rooftop.
“I’m so irritated……What’s with that guy……He should just become bald.”
I wanted to scream with all my might.
But that alone can’t dissipate this anger.
As I grabbed the fence on the roof and internally spilled a grudge against Natsuhi-senpai in my heart, my knees suddenly bent due to the impact from behind, and my line of sight fell.
Who in the world is doing this ‘Knee peek-a-boo’ when I’m so irritated right now!?
When I turned my sharp gaze to the back, Kaede stood there with a nonchalant expression.
“……So it was Kaede.”
I’m still awkward with Kaede.
The anger disappeared instantly and was replaced by confusion.
When I stared at Kaede wordlessly, Kaede put his hand on the fence and stood next to me.
“What’s wrong? Isn’t it unusually serious when you’re irritated?”
“It’s nothing……”
It’s not something I can explain to Kaede, and I can’t say it even if it wasn’t Kaede.
“It doesn’t seem like it’s about me.”
He looked into my face and grumbled.
“I know a lot about Akira. But lately, we’ve been distant……and it’s been difficult to read you. And that’s so lonely. That’s why……let’s go back to when none of this happened?”
It seems like Kaede came to make up with me.
We’re still avoiding going to school together. On top of that, even though we’re together in school, we’re not as close as we were before.
I also want to make noise and laugh like before, but……
“Hey, Kaede.”
Before that, there’s something that needs to be clarified.
In my own way.
“I think of you as a friend. It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. As a friend, I want to get along with you, but we can’t be together like this if you want to change my mind.”
“That’s……does that mean Akira will never change your mind?”
“Ahh.”
It’s not like there’s no way he can change my mind, but I just don’t think it’s possible and I think it’s better to say so.
There was also an example that said, “Don’t give them hope”.
“How can you say that? Is it because I’m a boy?”
“Like I said, that doesn’t matter.”
“Then……do you have someone you like?”
“Eh?”
He asked something unexpected and I was dumbfounded.
I imagined the future where I would tell Kaede I didn’t like him, but I didn’t expect him to think I rejected him because I had someone I liked.
“Use that small brain of yours to think of an answer. Then you can come to me.”
“!”
The moment I was asked that, the image of Natsuhi-senpai came to mind.
That’s not it……!
‘I intend to reject him,’ I thought and erased his image from my mind.
“……I see.”
When I was silent, Kaede muttered quietly as if he was convinced.
No, don’t get me wrong!
“I don’t have……anyone like that.”
“Didn’t I say so? I know a lot about Akira. Even so, I want to have a one-sided crush on you. I don’t mind having a one-sided crush forever, so I want to stay by your side.”
“……That’s not good. It wouldn’t be good for you.”
Having a one-sided crush is the same as not moving forward.
“Not good for me? Even though I’m saying I’m fine with it.”
“I want Kaede to be happy.”
“Being next to Akira is my happiness.”
This kind of ‘happiness’ is so lonely.
This might sound selfish, but I want Kaede to be happy with someone else.
“If I don’t lie and say, ‘I don’t like you,’ you won’t let me stay by your side?”
It’s so painful and cruel to say such things, but I shouldn’t compromise with that.
When I stayed quiet, Kaede hung his head low and crouched on the spot.
“……You go first.”
He might be crying.
Kaede is quite a crybaby.
The reason why we became friends was that he was crying.
“Okay.”
It’s hard to leave him crying like that, but I went back as I was told.
Love is difficult.
I think that this tough decision will benefit Kaede, but Kaede doesn’t think so.
Is it better to grant what that person wants just because he’s okay with it?
He may say that now, but one day he’ll meet someone and naturally separate from me.
‘There’s no need to forcibly reject his idea,’ I thought, but……
I think I should do what I think is right.
If I don’t decide so, I’ll be at a loss.
It would be much easier if I could talk like before without worrying about anything; I could go with the flow even if he’s being clingy and pretend I didn’t know his feelings.
I can’t, though. I have to be firm with him.
And the problem is……
When Kaede asked if I had someone I like, why did Natsuhi-senpai come to my mind?
The only answer I can think of is, “I like Natsuhi-senpai.”
……Is that so?
Even so, I feel like everything’s over before it even started.
It wasn’t so easy before this.
What does this mean?
Does it mean that he didn’t think anything of me?
Then why did he go and say such a thing?
‘I said it because I felt like it, but when I thought about it, it felt different so I canceled it’?
“I feel sick.”
It feels uncomfortable to be clinging to murky fog.
The frustration was gradually being brought back once again.
※※※[Part 3]
The next day, our eyes met again.
“……What should I do?”
Even if we ran into each other, I have never thought about what to do.
I can’t remember how it was until now either.
Most of the time, I feel like I’ve dropped by and talked about things I don’t even like then left, but……I can’t do that now.
I thought he would ignore me again, but……
“That’s not good.”
Things aren’t exactly the same as before, but I try to act as normal as possible.
I don’t want to approach him. Nonetheless, when I’m at a distance where we can talk, I just greet him.
“Good morning.”
“……Aah.”
Natsuhi-senpai stopped walking, but I didn’t say anything else to him.
Instead, I went straight to the classroom.
Natsuhi-senpai looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t stop me from walking away.
It probably wasn’t a big deal.
If you have anything you wanted to tell me, you would probably contact me on your phone.
Before this happened, I used to communicate with him using my phone even if I had no business with him. However, even that seems difficult to do from now on.
At least, I don’t feel like contacting him even when I don’t have any business with him.
Sure enough, Natsuhi-senpai didn’t contact me.
Even if we meet in school, we only greet each another.
It’s so awkward that I stay away from places where we might bump into each other.