Warm wind came in from the opened window, and made me sleepy.
It’s recess time, the atmosphere was very calming.
And I was also talking to my friend sitting behind me.
The topic was about my big brother ‘Sakurai Haruki’.
“It’s kind of strange. His temper is unusually pleasant these days. It’s like his thorns fell off him, he’s just calm.”
He would be restless one moment, and then he would suddenly smile quietly the next……
It’s like his head is becoming a field of flowers.
Even though everyone says he’s the cool big brother, I wonder what happened to him.
“Hey, what do you think, Fuu-chan?”
I asked Sasaki Fuuko, the person who I was talking with, for an opinion.
Fuu-chan was from a different middle school, but I’m glad that she’s in the same class with me now.
The amber pupils that shine brightly like the stars that decorate the night sky, and the undulating wisteria coloured hair that reached her shoulders gave me an impression that she’s mature.
But if you talk to her, she’s sociable and amusing. Other than that, she’s got a mysterious side to her. She’s a great friend.
“Maybe he’s got a girlfriend? Since Hina-chan’s older brother is really popular, it’s not strange for him to have 2 or 3 girlfriends.”
“About that……”
I’ve thought of the same thing before, and asked him myself. But he replied with “I don’t need something like that.”
I thought that he probably didn’t want his little sister to know, so I asked my childhood friend, Aki. He also said, “He probably doesn’t have one.” And that was the only information that I got.
“The person himself said that he doesn’t need a girlfriend. It looks like Makoto-nii who’s the closest to him doesn’t know anything either. Ah, maybe he has someone he likes now. But, it looks like it’s not like that too. Since he’s always with Makoto-nii.
“Eh!”
As we were quietly gossiping, Fuu-chan suddenly raised a small surprised voice.
I was thinking of what it was about, and looked at Fuu-chan’s face when……
“W-what’s wrong!? You look scary!?”
Her eyes were wide open, it looked like her eyes were going to fall out, and her mouth was trembling with fear too.
Her expression looked like it was as if ‘The demon killer drove her to a wall in a blind alley, and the moment she was going to be killed…’, that kind of look.
I didn’t know how to react and was perplexed, when her serious face suddenly came back.
And then she straightened her back, and put her hands together. She was staring at me like she was watching some political broadcast.
“What you said just now, tell me more about it.”
“Uh? Sure……”
And so, I started answering her every question. I told her in detail about big brother’s situation or whatever I heard around me about him.
“Your big brother looks very happy these days. But it’s not like he has a girlfriend, he doesn’t need one. However, he has someone he likes, and the person he’s with the most is Makoto-senpai……is that right?”
“Y-yeah……hm? Huh, huh?”
I realized something odd while I was drained from Fuu-chan directly looking at me with a sharp gaze.
I just noticed something.
”
”
“Even though he doesn’t need a girlfriend……someone he likes? Huh?”
“It’s a contradiction,right….?”
It felt like Fuu-chan’s eyes lit up brightly.
“Doesn’t that mean that even if they’re tied up together, he’s pointing out that he can’t become his ‘girlfriend’.”
“W-what does that mean?”
I don’t really understand why, but my chest is pounding.
Is it fine to consider about it, why does it feel like it’s not something good!?
However, fortunate or not, the chime rang and interrupted my thoughts.
“Fuu-chan!”
“Hina-chan……let’s talk about it after school’s over.”
Fuu-chan looked away from me, and started to prepare for the next lesson.
Simultaneously, the door opened and the teacher came in.
While I stood up to greet the teacher, my mind was confused.
※※※
“Hina-chan, have you thought of an answer yet?”
The day’s lesson was over, school is over now.
I accompanied Fuu-chan to the rooftop.
I don’t know if it was because nothing can interrupt us at a high place like this or not, but the wind felt strong.
While pushing away the disturbing hair that sticks to my face whenever the wind blew, I thought of something during class. It was ‘a conclusion that makes people look away’.
“What if he’s committing adultery with a married woman……or something like that. And also, his partner might be a teacher. That’s why he can’t publicly announce that he has a ‘girlfriend’, right!”
I thought about a lot of possibilities, but I could only think of a relationship that’s difficult to tell others about.
Maybe it’s a beautiful wife in the neighbourhood, a beautiful teacher, or how about someone else’s girlfriend……!
“I can’t support any relationship like that!”
I can’t imagine that big brother being involved in forbidden love.
But, big brother is not the type of person to play around like that.
He definitely came to like that person.
If it’s like that, I wonder if I should support him or not.
“Fuu-chan, tell me! What should I do!”
If it’s Fuu-chan who realized it earlier than me, she might know a good method.
I looked at Fuu-chan for help.
“Eh!”
When I saw Fuu-chan’s eyes, I felt nervous.
Why?
Fuu-chan looked at me with very cold eyes.
It’s as if I got stabbed, like I was being ridiculed, or as if she’s sad……
“Sweet……it’s so sweet, Hina-chan.”
“F-Fuu-chan?”
“……Shhhh, read this.”
It was a thin book.
It looked like the size of a notebook and it wasn’t that thick.
But it didn’t look like a comic book that was being sold in a bookstore.
I timidly took it, and flipped open the book.
“……Eh”
There were two young boys.
They were popular anime characters.
The design was a little different, so it might not be an official book.
I was a little worried that it might be illegal somehow, but it didn’t matter anymore.
There was something, something even more important.
”
”
“Wah, wah! F-Fuu-chan! So-something like this, they’re doing something indecent!?”
“That’s right, they sure are lively. They’re at it as soon as you turn to the first page, it’s a start dash.”
“Eh!? Ehhhhh!?”
I have already said this, but there’s two young boys.
Which means……that’s why!!
“Hyaaaa!!”
I threw the book without thinking.
It feels like I’m not supposed to hold it, or like I’m doing something embarrassing……
It’s like a mixture of shame and sin! I’m panicking!
“Of course……Hina-chan is that kind of person.”
“Eh?”
Fuu-chan picked up the book that I threw, and sighed deeply while patting the book to clean it.
“……I knew it. That there were people who couldn’t accept BL……that there were NL-only[1] people.”
[1] NL= Normal Love
“Eh, B? L?”
“Hehe……when I tried to catch up with it, I ‘disliked’ BL or rather it was ‘impossible’, I definitely thought there was something wrong with it. ‘Are you serious! Don’t act like you don’t know about it when you do, you’re honestly a dirty person right!’ was what I seriously thought.”
“Catch up? Fuu-chan, we’re the same age right? You’re sixteen right?”
“I mean, there can’t be any girls that hate BL! You’ll definitely be addicted to it once you read it. ‘It’s pitiful that you don’t know about it, I must teach you!’ was the mission that fell on me……But, I’ve understood after being swallowed by various waves. I’ve understood that this world has humans, and that each and every one of them has their own interests. Pushing one’s preferences onto others, what a foolish thing to do. And that’s why……”
As Fuu-chan glanced at me, she looked as if she were about to burst into tears.
But, I couldn’t understand.
I couldn’t understand what language Fuu-chan was talking in!
“I wanted Hina-chan to be in the same fujoshi family……”
“Family? Hm? I’m Japanese too though?”
“Why! Even though there’s such a feast near you! Why is it, Hina-chan! You’re wrong!”
“Eh? Eh?”
Fuu-chan closed her eyes, held her mouth and sat down.
I didn’t know why but for some reason, I was the wrong one. I just knew that Fuu-chan was sad.
“I-I’m sorry?”
I don’t understand anymore.
I don’t even understand what you were talking about!
“It’s fine! It’s fine! Even if the Berlin wall falls, this wall definitely won’t…..we don’t have the same opinion on this……but it’s fine!”
“Y-yeah……”
As I thought, I don’t understand her. But I patted her back, and soothed her till she calmed down.
※※※
“Sorry, Hina-chan. My switch just flipped. I’m fine already.”
“I’m glad. I thought an evil spirit took over Fuu-chan.”
“Hehehe.”
The both of us laughed.
I’m really glad.
It’s the usual Fuu-chan.
It seems like the issue just now wasn’t something serious. I was really nervous.
“Actually, what was that book? Why did you show me that?”
“Ahh, that. I was thinking that maybe Hina-chan’s older brother was like that with Makoto-senpai.”
“I see……Eh?”
So that was the intention. But the next moment I immediately understood, my brain froze.
Big brother and Makoto-nii doing ‘that’?
That kind of thing, is definitely that shocking thing that I saw just now.
It should be that thing that happens between both genders.
“Wh-what are you talking about, Fuu-chan. There’s no way.”
Even though I wanted to deny it with confidence……my voice was trembling for some reason.
It can’t be, there’s no way that they’re like that.
Surely they were really close when they were younger, but just because they were ‘close friends’, being ‘lovers’ is impossible……ah.
After thinking that far, I realized something.
“Definitely, even if they were dating, he can’t be a ‘girlfriend’……”
Fuu-chan smiled and laughed.
“The reason why they’re together every time, it’s because they’re lovers. When he’s with his lover, your cool older brother would definitely be happy right?”
“I-it can’t be……”
I really want to deny it.
But there’s nothing I can say to deny it.
That’s definitely because there’s a me that found the right answer in my mind.
“Well, you can call it a fujoshi’s joke.”
“Fujoshi?”
“My mind is rotten. The ‘Fuu’ in ‘Fuuko’ is a fujoshi’s ‘Fu’. Fufu ‘Fu’[1].”
“……?”
[1] I can’t believe she actually did a pun with fujoshi’s ‘Fu’. Normally I’d translate ‘fufu’ as ‘hehe’, but apparently she’s making it a pun by adding ‘Fu’ behind her giggle. Even Hina doesn’t understand *facepalm*
The Fuu-chan who’s mood suddenly went up, was talking about the thing called ‘BL’.
It’s called boys love, and it’s about love between boys.
It’s an ultimate love that surpasses the wall of gender.
And now, my big brothers are angels dispatched by god.
Honestly, my mind can’t catch up with this.
“If you’re troubled with BL, ask me about anything.”
“S-sure……”
I wonder why, she’s reliable but at the same time, she’s also unreliable.
Nevertheless……
What should I do, is big brother really a BL?
Asking the person himself is kind of shady.
I guess I should ask Aki about it……
Ah, speaking of Aki……speaking of Aki!!
“Fuu-chan sensei! I have a question immediately!!”
“What is it, Hina-chan!”
I leaned my body forward, raised my hand, and asked when I had the opportunity.
I didn’t want to rely on her, but I realized something important.
“Well! Well……I’m saying this as an example. If a boy makes sweets for another boy, and if he picks that boy up every morning, and also whenever a girl is near him he interrupts them……is that BL?”
I was curious about something.
I have someone I like.
It was my childhood friend, Aki.
That Aki made a new friend recently.
He’s Kaede-kun who’s in the same class as Aki.
I don’t know when, but he was always there whenever Aki and I were together.
Even though they go to school together, every time we’re together, Kaede-kun would join in. On the contrary, there were times where I’d get left behind too.
Even when Aki and I talk to each other in school, he would interrupt us. There were many times where he would be right next to Aki when they’re out of school.
I thought Kaede-kun hated me so he was bullying me or something, but listening to Fuu-chan’s BL conversation, I came to realize that he probably wasn’t.
“Kaede Akira, huh.”
“Fuu-chan!?”
Even though I wasn’t saying it out, she guessed it right. My heart leaped out.
How did she know?
I wonder if she has super powers or something.
“Hehe, Hina-chan. For you to realize this now, you’re slow. I’ve already paid the bill.”
“W-what does that mean?”
“He’s a BL. My BL sensor sensed it.”
“N-no way……”
It’s a shocking truth that such a sensor exists.
Not like I want one though.
“Why didn’t you tell me about it!?”
“Since I’ve said it now, do you understand?”
“Th-that’s……sorry.”
I probably didn’t understand.
On the contrary, I would’ve thought that Fuu-chan was saying weird things and avoid her.
And when I realized that I was saying selfish things, I dropped my shoulders in disgust of myself.
Fuu-chan laughed, and rubbed my head.
“But, isn’t it great that you understand now? From now on, you’ll be able to fight with him consciously. If you’re too careless, he’ll be taken by Amachi-kun though?”
“I-I don’t want that!”
“Well then, you’ll have to do better. By the way, I’m supporting Kaede Akira now.”
“You can’t do that to me!”
“It’s because I worship live BL. Ah, but, if you tell me about your older brothers and take a picture of them, I might cooperate with you though?”
“Uuuu…”
I want her to cooperate with me.
Because I don’t know anything about BL, I’d like to think of a Kaede-kun counterplan or consult with her about it, but I can’t just sell big brother like that……
“What are you going to do?”
What should I do, I don’t know!
There’s too much information at once, my brain’s going to burst!
“P-please let me put it on hold!”
I’d like to calm down and think about it.
I’m scared that I’ll say something outrageous if I’m flustered right now.
“Sure. But, if you’re not quick, Kaede-kun won’t wait?”
“I-I know!”
Ah…my head hurts……
The world is awfully wide……
※※※
I found myself lying down in the living room with my head buried into a bead cushion.
A mark that said ‘New’ popped up in my head. It was filled with new information that I collected, and my feelings towards Aki.
I remember talking with Fuu-chan on the rooftop, but I don’t have any memories of how I came back home.
That’s how confused I am.
“BL……huh. I don’t know……”
Don’t boys like chest and butts?
Aren’t big ones better!?
There’s none, boys don’t have any?
They’re hard,you know!?
“Ahhhh!”
No matter how much I think, I can’t settle down.
I thought about it too much that I’m starting to hate it.
“I’m back.”
As I was hitting the sandbag as a replacement of the beanbag, big brother came home.
“……Welcome back.”
“Mn.”
I think he went to Makoto-senpai’s place again today.
It might just be my imagination, but I feel like his expressions has become much gentler than before.
I got irritated when I saw the grin on big brother’s face.
In general, if Fuu-chan’s right, I’d like to disapprove of their relationship.
For both of the cool people to date like that, there’s no room for girls then!
I chased the big brother who quickly went into his room.
“Hey. Big brother!”
As I forcefully opened the door without knocking, I saw big brother taking off his uniform and hanging it.
“Ah? What’s wrong, Hina? Making such a scary face.”
I thought he would get angry and tell me to open the door quietly, but he didn’t hit me or warn me either.
I hesitated for a moment and was thinking about how I was supposed to ask big brother, but my brain was tired of thinking and gave up on the idea of saying unnecessary things.
“Big brother, are you a BL?”
It’s big brother, so I don’t need to hold back!
I’m asking what I want to ask!
I gave up on everything and just straight up asked him about it, but big brother gave a stupefied look.
“Huh? BL? What’s that?”
“Boys love. It’s apparently love between boys.”
“……Huh?”
……It’s strange, big brother’s face is strange.
His face until just now looked like he genuinely didn’t know the meaning, but the moment he heard that sentence, his eyes were swimming.
“Big brother, are you going out with Makoto-nii?”
“Huh? Eh, huh? What are you saying……”
“Big brother, you look pale though? Your sweat, it’s amazing you know?”
He began to pointlessly look around.
Even if you look around like that, nobody is going to help you.
Isn’t it completely obvious?!
“It’s not particularly……You’re just imagining things. Actually, I’m busy right now.”
“Are you running? Does that mean I’m right!?”
I knew it.
Fuu-chan was right.
After all, I’ve never seen this kind of big brother before.
BL exists, it really exists……
“What do you mean running……Hina?”
“Uu……”
It was true.
In my heart I thought ‘It would be better if they weren’t like that’.
Despite that……it’s been proven in such a familiar place.
Tears naturally welled up.
“Hina, don’t cry. Explain properly……”
“Aki too?”
“Eh?”
BL exists.
Fuu-chan was right about that.
Which means, when Fuu-chan said that Kaede-kun was aiming for Aki, that was right too!
“Will Aki become a BL too!?”
I clutched big brother’s collar without thinking.
“What? He’s not involved.”
“But he’ll be taken by Kaede-kun!!”
”
”
“Ah? Ahh……Well Kaede is……”
“As I thought it’s like that! He’ll become a BL with Kaede-kun! Uu……Uu……Uwaaaan!!”
I don’t want that to happen!
Even though I liked Aki since we were children, and I was the closest to him!
I absolutely don’t want him to be snatched away by a boy!
It’s too unexpected!
“Don’t cry! I said don’t cry! Big brother will cooperate with you! Okay?”
Big brother was rarely this flustered, and on top of that, he’s kind.
He comforted me while patting my head.
When I looked at big brother, he had a troubled smile. He looked so good that I got irritated.
“Cooperation, really?”
“Yeah.”
“Mn. Then, the fact that big brother’s a BL, I’ll keep it a secret from mom for you.”
“……O-oh. Please do.”
He had a very complex look on his face.
But, to keep the relationship going, I think he has to tell everyone about it someday.
I wonder what Makoto-senpai will do.
It’s none of my business, but I’m worried.
※※※
“Uu…it’s dark……and narrow……”
I could see a little light, and stacked up cardboards in front of me.
I tried to push forward for more space, but it seems like there’s no gap around me, so I can’t move.
It can’t be helped, I’ll endure with this since I came here on my own will.
It’s a little dusty though.
I’m hiding in Aki’s house closet right now.
This closet is made effectively utilizing the dead space below the stairs, and is located in a place where the living room can be seen.
Now, big brother and Makoto-nii are chatting together.
“It’s hot.”
The both of them are peacefully watching tv.
If I didn’t know what BL was, I would think nothing of this view.
But, since I knew now.
The scene of them exchanging looks and laughing together can only be seen as a sweet moment between lovers.
I took a picture without thinking.
“Oi, Hina. What are you taking a picture of?”
“Nothing muchhh…”
“He’s coming home soon. You’ll get found out, you know?”
“Okayyyy…”
I want to cuddle with Aki and watch tv while we’re teasing each other too.
Damn it, my big brothers are so unfair.
I’m hiding here for one purpose.
My big brothers are cooperating with me.
“I want to know what Aki thinks of me.”
Big brother who cooperated with me asked me what I wanted to do, and I answered with that.
“I’ll ask him,” was what he said, but I wanted to personally listen to his answer with my own ears.
I want to listen, but if I was there, he probably wouldn’t share his true feelings.
Therefore, I decided to use the strategy called ‘I’ll hide and secretly listen while big brother is asking’.
By the way, Makoto-nii is not aware that I’ve found out about their relationship.
It’s because big brother said “I’ll tell him when the time’s right, so pretend that you don’t know about us yet.” And that’s what he requested.
There’s a lot of things that I have to get over with. It’s difficult.
At first I didn’t like it, but I started to think ‘I hope both of them are happy together’, and chose to support them.
“I’m back.”
It seemed like Aki came back, so I slowly closed the opened door.
It might be difficult to hear if I completely close the door, so I cautiously left a small gap that can’t be seen.
As I peeked out from the small gap, I saw Aki taking off his uniform blazer and throwing it onto the sofa.
Makoto-nii scolded him, saying that it would get wrinkled, so he reluctantly went up to his room and changed.
I was worried that he won’t come back afterwards, but there were snacks so he said that he would come back down after changing. I was relieved when he said that.
As expected of Makoto-nii, no mistakes.
I could hear the sound of footsteps coming down from the stairs after a while.
And as I peeked out, Aki came down in his sleepwear.
(H-hey, Aki! Really!)
His jersey pants were sliding down and I could see his underwear, and his t-shirt too. It was a situation where you could see both his chest and stomach right down the collar.
While I had the impulse to help him put on his clothes properly, I was surprised.
My impression of the Amachi brothers up till now, was that Makoto-nii was ‘beautiful’, and Aki was ‘cute’.
Makoto-nii is a reliable person, but Aki has a spoiled side to him and there’s also a part of him where he’s genderless but……
(Of course, he’s a ‘boy’.)
He’s completely grown taller now, and he’s not muscular, but he was firm in his own way.
He was a proper ‘boy’.
“Really, what did I come here for. I’m looking at Aki’s body too much.”
A boy……moreover looking at the body of the person I like, I became even more embarrassed of my beating heart.
I almost made a fuss by myself until I remembered my original purpose.
Some time passed, so I quickly listened.
Their conversation right now was just the part that I wanted to listen to.
“Hina? Even if you say how, Hina is Hina.”
The fact that I’m listening to him talking about me while he doesn’t know that I’m here makes my heart beat fast.
It’s beating so fast that you can hear it from outside.
I am me, what does that mean……!?
“Well, of course she is, but I’m asking what position is she in your heart.”
I wanted to clap my hands for such an accurate question.
Good job, big brother!
That’s it, that’s what I want to hear!
“Even if you say that. Hina is Hina, and she’s not more or less than that……she’s like Hina the perennial sundrop[1], something like that.”
“What are you saying?”
(What is he saying?)
[1] Another word play: ヒナ属ヒナ科/ヒナマツヨイグサ = ‘Hina’matsuyoigusa no ‘Hina’ but it obviously wouldn’t make sense in english.
I retorted the same thing as big brother.
I forgot that Aki had this side of him too……
My heart tightens when he’s like this too, but it’s an important situation right now so I’d like to restrain myself.
“You mean that there’s nobody who can replace Hina?”
Makoto-nii……!
As expected of a female’s instinct!
So this is Makoto-nii, the ‘Uke’ position that Fuu-chan taught me about!
“That’s about right. She’s not just a friend or a childhood friend, nobody can replace her.”
I could feel my face going red.
My ears were hot too.
What should I do……I’m so happy……
I’m so happy that I could cry.
“But recently, Kaede is loitering around me though!”
“““!!”””
――Bang!
I was banging my head against the wall.
“What!?”
“Isn’t just a sound from outside?”
“Speaking of which, it’s very noisy outside today!”
My big brothers, thank you……
They were covering for me, their kind feelings have reached me.
I’m happy.
As I thought, I want both of them to be happy together.
But, I’m sorry.
”
”
I, will betray.
I’m selling both of them.
“Fuu-chan sensei, please help me!”
I sent an SOS message with the ‘nice picture’ that I took just now attached to it.