This will be a continuation of “Chapter 19: The Final Turning Point”.
—–
I entered the quiet living room and laid down on the sofa.
I went to school but came back without attending any classes.
It shouldn’t have been a long time since anyone was here, but the air was so stuffy that I felt uncomfortable.
I want to ventilate the house, but I don’t feel like opening the window because then I’d have to move.
“Sighh……”
The scene where Hina and Kaede were arguing was being replayed in my head.
I suspected that Hina had feelings for me.
Seeing how much Kaede competed with her,there were many hints.
Even so, I thought I was being too self-conscious. Maybe it was jealousy in the sense of affection as if my dear siblings had been taken away, but it seemed different.
“Hina, huh……”
What was Hina to me?
Family, friend, and……younger sister, I guess.
She might be an ‘older sister’ figure to me since she always looks after me.
As I thought, I only feel brotherly affection towards Hina.
I admire Natsuhi-senpai. It’s not a romantic feeling either, but he’s an ideal of the same sex.
At first glance, he seems cold but he is actually really reliable, gentle, and cool.
I’m happy that such a person likes me, but……
Whether I can return the same feelings or not, I don’t think I can.
Kaede……
I remember the words Kaede said.
“I did my best to convey my feelings to Akira! I’m doing my best to make him fall for me!”
Kaede was proactive and verbally expressed his goodwill to me.
I’m always confused by it though.
I think that I’m too childish to catch up with Kaede.
In the end, I went around in circles and laughed dryly at the conclusion that I was the wrong one.
I understand Kaede’s feelings……I’m trying to.
But thinking of the bold and daring Kaede who always shouted his feelings for me without fear, my heart clenched.
I turned away from Kaede’s feelings.
I disregarded it.
What I’ve been doing until now is the same as disregarding it.
“……I’m the worst.”
On the contrary, ‘It’s a real homo!’ I even treated other people’s affairs as an interest too.
“Trash……I’m such a jerk!”
In atonement, I slammed my head against the wall.
Although this is my second life, and I should have lived longer than Kaede, but why am I so stupid?
(T/N: Exactly, Akira, exactly.)
“Idiots will only be cured when they die”, it seems like the saying is true.
While I was resting my head, I heard a sound.
The intercom is ringing.
It’s not time for school to be over yet.
I thought it might be mail or something, so I opened the front door without hesitation.
The moment I made eye contact with the person behind the door, my body froze.
The person who I had just been thinking about appeared in front of me.
“Kaede……”
Kaede looked at me with a mournful expression.
“You, what about school?”
“……Akira too. Even though you were there in the morning, you were gone before I knew it.”
As I thought, it seems like he knew that I went to school.
I didn’t get found out when I was going home, but I guess it was more unnatural instead.
“……I wasn’t feeling well.”
It hurts to lie, but I can’t just say that “It was because I saw that scene”.
“Because of me?”
“Ehh!?”
If I say it’s Kaede’s fault……I guess I can say so.
It was as if he had guessed my thoughts and I unintentionally reacted.
“Akira is really easy to read.”
Kaede laughed, amused.
Although I might be amazed at myself(?), I’m just not good at telling lies.
I averted my eyes to avoid him. Kaede leaned in close to me.
“When you said I was noisy that day, are you still mad about that?”
“……? Ahh, on the phone?”
I left him alone so I was in the wrong too, and Kaede apologized.
I don’t care, but it was after that that I started going to school alone to avoid Kaede.
So Kaede might still be concerned about it.
“I’m not mad.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
When I laughed, Kaede raised his face as if he was relieved.
“……Then, let me in? I have something to talk about.”
I was at a loss for a moment.
I think he wants to talk about ‘his feelings for me’, or ‘my feelings’.
I haven’t organized my mind yet.
That’s why I was wondering if I should ask now, but……
“Sure. Come in.”
All I did was run away from Kaede.
If I don’t listen to him now, I’ll end up running away again.
Although I still have some doubts after letting him in, I decided to start by facing each other.
I was going to the living room, but Kaede said he wanted to talk in my room, so I went upstairs.
Big brother never comes back at this time, but it might be better to talk in the room without worrying about it.
I asked if he wanted anything to drink, but he didn’t want any so I entered the room without doing anything else.
“I wanted to sleep here when I stayed over that day.”
Kaede muttered as soon as he entered the room.
“But wasn’t it fun since big brother was there?”
“Un. It was fun but I like Akira, so it would’ve been better if I was alone with Akira.”
“……”
Even if you say that, I don’t know how to reply to that.
As I was thinking of going with the flow and sitting down anywhere, Kaede moved.
Not knowing what he was going to do, my eye followed him and he collapsed onto my bed as if leaping onto it.
Lying on his face, he seemed to be relaxing.
“……Oi, what are you doing.”
“I’m collecting what I couldn’t last time……It smells like Akira.”
“It doesn’t smell that bad.”
What do I smell like?
I shouldn’t smell like anything!
Anyways, besides sounding like a pervert, it’s rude.
“I didn’t say that it stinks. It smells good……it’s comforting.”
“……Is that so.”
Don’t just say that without hesitation, I’m having trouble answering.
“But when I think about the fact that this place has been polluted before, I get irritated.”
I didn’t get what he was saying, and when I turned to Kaede, his face was red from anger as he looked at me.
“That girl slept here didn’t she?”
“Ahh……Hina? Well, it was just for a while though.”
By the way, that was the reason Kaede kept wanting to stay over.
”
”
“Together with Akira?”
“No way. I slept on the floor.”
“But you slept in the same space.”
He’s right,but it’s not like anything happened.
“Akira.”
When I heard my name and turned around, Kaede stood up and beckoned me to come over.
I was still standing by the door so he’s probably telling me to sit near him.
I moved as I was called, and when I approached him……
“Uwahh-!”
Kaede, who raised his upper body from the bed, grabbed my hand and pulled me down.
“What is it!?”
I fell over with the sudden strong force and Kaede fell on his back.
In that case, I would fall on top of Kaede……
It’s dangerous, I’ll hit Kaede at this rate!
I hurriedly ripped my hand out of his grip and put it on the bed.
I managed to avoid the collision, but……we were about to butt our heads, okay!?
“That was dangerous!”
When I turned to look at Kaede to scold him for doing that, Kaede’s face was just below mine.
I have both hands on the side of Kaede’s head to support my body.
When I realized our positions, it looked like I pushed Kaede down.
“I was attacked by Akira.”
Kaede was laughing with the same devilish expression that I saw when we were in the ferris wheel and the classroom.
“You……”
I glared at him.
With how we interacted so far, Kaede should’ve been bullied till the end……but it’s different today.
Before I knew it, his expression had returned to the vulnerable one I saw at the entrance just now.
“You don’t like having these things done to you?”
The big eyes that had my reflection in them were shaking.
I can answer that one.
“I don’t dislike it.”
We’re both guys but I don’t feel disgusted. If anything, it makes my heart flutter.
But I still can’t answer the questions that may be beyond that.
That’s why I’m at a loss and I don’t know what to say.
“I like Akira……I can’t stop it.”
While I was silent, Kaede stretched his hand out.
A pale and beautiful hand wrapped around my neck and the weight of Kaede was hanging on me.
He was clinging to me from below, and my shoulder that was supporting that weight felt like it was about to drop down.
When that happens, I’d end up crushing Kaede.
“Kaede, let go.”
“No.”
I couldn’t bear the weight so I used my elbow on one side.
Kaede’s body rested on the bed.
Perhaps it was easier because of that, the arms around my neck tightened.
The distance between us instantly shortened, and the space between our bodies was filled.
He buried his face into my shoulder and it tickled.
The hair touching my face smelt good, but it’s troubling.
“I like Akira. Since a long time ago.”
“……Eh?”
‘A long time ago’?
If he’s talking about when I enrolled in Hana-Shikien, then that’s a weird way to say it.
I tried moving my body away to ask him what he meant, but I’d end up crushing Kaede if I moved my arm.
But this isn’t a posture where I can listen to him talk.
I have to escape somehow……
“Don’t, just listen to me like this.”
He firmly secured my neck and stopped me from moving.
It doesn’t seem like he wants to move from this position.
I can’t calm down, but I decided to listen to him with a calm mind.
“I remembered. It was Akira from the beginning. Makoto-senpai was my ‘love at first sight’ because I liked Akira.”
“?”
I have no idea what he was talking about.
”
”
He’s saying it as if he liked me before big brother.
But Kaede should’ve liked big brother soon after enrolling.
If so, when did he start to like me?
“You don’t remember me?”
When I was confused, Kaede relaxed his arms a little and made some space between us to the point where I could see his face.
My reflection was in his serious eyes that seemed like he was praying for something.
I knew that what I was being asked was ‘important’.
I want to answer, but……I don’t know.
“What are you talking about?”
The moment he heard my words, I knew that he was disappointed.
He turned away from me and looked far away with a resigned look on his face.
“……I see. As I thought, it would be better if a girl was next to Akira.”
I apologize for forgetting something important to Kaede, but if you give me some hints, I might remember.
I would like him to tell me more about it, but Kaede stopped responding to my words as if he had been trapped in his shell.
“Like I said, what’re you talking about? If you don’t talk properly……”
“Isn’t it something you never cared about since you don’t remember!? Even now, I’m no good because I’m not a girl right!?”
He suddenly started screaming, exasperated.
What’s wrong?
When I was confused by the change, I was forced to lean sideways and fell off the bed.
Because I fell on my back, it hurt.
“That hurt!”
When I was wondering why he was suddenly angry, I fell from the bed. I don’t understand what’s happening.
“!?”
As I was about to get up, this time Kaede got on me.
While I was dumbfounded at what he was doing, my upper body was pushed down and I returned to the floor.
As a result of being pushed vigorously, the back of my head hit the floor, and a dull sound was heard.
It hurts……The place I hit is throbbing.
“You……That’s enou-”
I was planning on saying “That’s enough”, but……I wasn’t able to finish saying it.
Before I knew it, Kaede was the only one in my field of vision.
So close……No, we’re not just close.
The distance is zero.
I can’t breathe.
Because my mouth is blocked……by Kaede’s lips.
I didn’t know what had happened, but I started to understand the situation and panicked.
Moreover, it’s agonizing.
“Nnn-!”
If nothing is done, I’ll die from lack of oxygen.
Although I protested(?), I was ignored and Kaede wouldn’t stop.
In my head, I was surprised that Kaede was unexpectedly strong, such as ‘Is this the first time?’ Or “Is he really Kaede?’ but it’s getting harder to breathe, I can’t afford to think about it anymore.
This is bad, I mustered my strength and pushed Kaede away.
Then Kaede’s body separated from mine.
“Hah-!!”
I inhaled deeply and adjusted my breathing.
The accumulated anger disappeared and I only felt surprised.
I looked up at Kaede, and he looked down at me while straddling me.
It seems like Kaede was out of breath too.
Perhaps I was worried(?) about my mouth, I covered it with the back of my hand.
When our eyes met, he smiled and muttered――
“Forgive me with this much. If I do this, won’t it at least be memorable for you?”
I was frozen in place and couldn’t reply.
I gazed at Kaede as if he was a landscape.
Kaede looked at me and chuckled, then stood up.
He opened the door, placing his hand on the doorknob……
“Bye-bye, [Akkun].”
He said and left the room.
I still couldn’t move.
After a while, I heard the sound of the front door closing.
……[Akkun]?
I was called that when I was little.
Did I meet Kaede at that time?
I feel like I’m about to remember something.
I can’t see it clearly, but a vague outline emerged in my mind.
But that’s it.
Rather than that, it’s better to chase Kaede now.
Even though I want to……my legs won’t move.
I don’t know what to say after catching up to him.
What do I think of Kaede in the first place?
I decided that I can’t respond to Hina, Natsuhi-senpai, and the people who sent the letters’ feelings.
But I can’t think of an answer for Kaede.
Why?
While lying down, I covered my eyes with my arms to think.
”
”
It’s probably ‘the end’ with Kaede now.
The ‘goodbye’ just now is definitely genuine.
Kaede won’t talk to me anymore.
That’s why he did something like this, I thought.
Kaede’s face when he bid goodbye to me came to mind.
“I don’t wanna say ‘goodbye’ like this.”
I’m sure the answer has been there for a long time already.
However, there’s a wall that’s making it difficult to easily accept everything.
As I thought, it’s ‘gender’.
What’s the most important thing to me?
What is it that I don’t want to lose?
Not budging from the floor, I continued rolling on the floor while holding my head without chasing after Kaede.