The ringing of the mobile phone in my pocket broke the rigid atmosphere between the both of us. I felt disheartened and ended up stepping back to answer my phone.
Lu QingFan asked me in an unusual and loud voice, “Pei JiYu, where are you?! Why didn’t you stay in the hospital? Do you know what happened?!”
As if it was a response to him, my heart suddenly ached. I asked him urgently, “How’s Father?”
After a few seconds of silence, Lu QingFan finally spoke. He said, “Father stopped breathing a few minutes ago. The nurse informed me but I couldn’t find you anywhere. It was Meng SiQi who told me your number…”
Suddenly, my sight darkened, and there was a buzzing sound in my ear. Lu QingFan seemed to be saying something but I couldn’t hear him.
Darkness then engulfed me slowly, isolating me from the world as I entered a trance.
I saw Father and Mother coming hand in hand while looking like how they did when they were young. Standing not too far away, they were smiling gently while they looked towards me.
I knew in my heart that they had come to say their goodbyes to me, and I felt even more anxious. I wanted to run towards them to make them stay, but when I lowered my head, I found out that my whole body was wrapped in silver chains.
When I looked up at my parents again, they had already turned around and left with each other. I became so anxious that my forehead was damp with sweat, but my hands and feet remained bound and I couldn’t move.
As I struggled to open my eyes, I realized that it was just a nightmare.
However, even in reality there were still nightmares.
As soon as Qiao Lang saw me wake up, he said, “You have such a disease, but you kept it from me.”
In his hands were my box of painkillers.
“You misunderstood. I only use those pills for headaches.”
I had no intentions to let him know. After all, that was my own personal business and he had already become an insignificant person in my life.
“Don’t lie to me anymore. When you were unconscious, I called for a doctor. He said you had the symptoms of having undergone chemotherapy.”
There might be an excuse for hair loss, but not for the red spots on my body. Meng SiQi said that it was caused by thrombocytopenia <sup>1</sup> I did a search and found out that the red spots are most probably caused by thrombocytopenia. It is a condition in which you have a low blood platelet (colorless blood cells that help blood clot through clumping and forming plugs in blood vessel injuries) count. , a condition induced by chemotherapy.
“I’m leaving, my father has died in the hospital.” Without any care towards him, I lifted the quilt and got out of bed.
However, Qiao Lang grabbed me and held me tightly in his arms.
With his voice trembling, he said, “I don’t want revenge and I don’t want the Qiao family to pay for what they’ve done anymore. I don’t want anything but you by my side. Pei, I regret it so please don’t leave me again.”
Suddenly, I felt sorrowful. In a trace, I went back to four years ago, where there was a lonely boy sitting in a corner of the public square. With the shadows of white pigeons flying reflected in his eyes, I knew that he was waiting for someone to take him away.
I almost fell in love with him, but fate had many twists and turns. In the end, I still had to leave him there waiting alone.
I was not the one he should wait for.
“Qiao Lang, I had everything four years ago, so I could bet everything on you. However, now Pei Jiyu has nothing and I can’t give up anything for you anymore. You can wait all your life, but I don’t have enough time to return back to you.” I whispered, “Qiao Lang, it is I who doesn’t want you this time.”
After that, Qiao Lang had locked himself in his study, refusing to come out. So, Qiao Yi ended up being the one who sent me out.
Zheng YiJia had also left with Chen ErXin first. In the end, Qiao Yi didn’t go to her.
“It’s incredible that Qiao Lang would let you go. How did you persuade him?”
Qiao Yi was very surprised that Qiao Lang was willing to let go.
He continued with a laugh, “I thought that he would do anything to keep you here.”
I was suddenly fed up with his cynicism towards the world.
“I just let him know that time cannot flow backwards. Even if he is willing to give up everything, we can’t go back to four years ago.” I continued, “No one will always wait for you to regret. If you miss them this time, you will never be able to turn back and there will be no such thing as starting over. Do you understand this Qiao Yi?”
Stunned at my words, he was rooted to the spot.
As the Qiao family driver opened the car door for me, I glanced in the direction of the study. Qiao Lang was standing at the window and his tall, thin figure was like a shadow, blending into the dark background.
I gave him a silent goodbye.
The car left slowly. As I watched the falling snow outside, it felt as if all traces of the past would be gradually buried along with it.
On the day of my father’s funeral procession, I didn’t attend.
During my way there, I had fallen unconscious and was rushed to the hospital by Meng SiQi. When I woke up, it was over with the dead already resting in eternal peace.
“After all these years, he was finally able to be with Mother. I think my father has been waiting for this day for a long time.” After all, Father’s only last wish was to be buried with Mother.
“I didn’t manage to see him one last time.” I looked at Meng SiQi. “In this life, I owe my father the most. I always indulged in his affection but did not fulfill my fidelity towards him. I’m not a filial son.”
My conscience was condemning me.
“He will forgive you.”
I shook my head. “No, I’d rather that he never forgive me. I don’t deserve his forgiveness. I’ve always let him down, he shouldn’t have such a failure for a son.”
Meng SiQi put a hand on my shoulder. “You’re tired, take a rest.”
“I can’t fall asleep.” Holding my head in my two hands, I said painfully, “I’m afraid that everyone will leave me in my dreams. When they leave, I will remain there, unable to go anywhere.”
“JiYu, your moods are very unstable recently. If you go on like this, it will affect the treatment.” Meng SiQi’s expressions contained slight worry, “Do you need me to prescribe some sedatives for you?”
“I don’t know. Meng SiQi, I don’t know what to do. It must have been that I was always doing things wrong, so everyone doesn’t want me. I can’t keep a single person with me. I must be reaping the fruits of my actions where no one will forgive me.”
I got emotional and began to talk incoherently.
“Calm down, JiYu.” Meng SiQi hugged me tightly in his arms while whispering comfortingly in my ear, “You still have me.”
He patted me on the back lightly. “I’ll always stay by you. No matter what you do wrong, I’ll forgive you.”
Meng SiQi then told me to take some sleeping pills, and I was finally able to fall asleep after a while.
The next day I went back to the apartment. Meng SiQi was originally worried about my mental condition and wanted to stay with me but in the end, I managed to convince him to go to work.
Our meeting only led to me bringing him many troubles. My emotional state had always been weak and I was too dependent on him. In the long run, it would inevitably make him neglect others.
Even if everything was his will, I didn’t want to be his emotional burden.
I should gradually learn to be independent with my heart. After all, it was unrealistic to expect love or comfort from others forever.
If I failed again, it was not unreasonable either.
1
I did a search and found out that the red spots are most probably caused by thrombocytopenia. It is a condition in which you have a low blood platelet (colorless blood cells that help blood clot through clumping and forming plugs in blood vessel injuries) count.