Dr. Meng was very young and wore a pair of gold-rimmed glasses, possessing a handsome and dignified appearance. It was just unfortunate that he was reserved, serious in both his speech and mannerisms. With how solemn he was, he could even be a sculpture on display in an art museum.
He shouldn’t sit here and examine my x-rays, was what I thought. He should instead, be a movie star surrounded by a bunch of screaming, young, and ignorant girls while flashing his most attractive gaze.
“Mr. Pei, I suggest that you should inform your family about this.” He lifted his head to look at me in all seriousness.
Having seen a lot of eight o’clock TV series, I understood what this meant clearly.
“Is it cancer?” I asked.
He shook his head. “We’re not sure yet. You still have to undergo a biopsy test before there’s a confirmation, so there’s no need for you to despair too much.”
I laughed out loud.
Despair? I don’t even have any strength to despair.
Dr. Meng frowned at me. Maybe he had thought I was in too much shock and lost control of my emotions.
I vigorously shook my head at him, signaling that I was fine.
“When do I have to undergo the test?” I asked him.
He replied that the sooner it was done, the better it would be.
After agreeing on an appointment time with the doctor, I took a taxi back to my apartment.
The room was empty, the curtains were drawn tight, and there was no trace of anyone <sup>1</sup> Here, the author used “人气” which commonly refers to one’s popularity or “living force” but it is kind of weird in this context and seemed irrelevant to the overall sentence. Therefore, I took it as an expression illustrating that there is no one around. .
The shattered glass cup still remained at its place since the night before. I was too lazy to clean it up.
Sitting on the sofa and turning on the TV, it revealed the heroine suffering from a terminal illness. The two males were so overwhelmed with grief that they hardly wished to live; desiring to live and die together . It wasn´t touching at all.
Suddenly, I felt unparalleled pity for myself.
Pei JiYu, you detestable person, there is no one in the world who loves you.
Before going to bed, I fished out a bottle of sleeping pills from my coat pocket.
Last night, I had decided to end my life. However, while I was pouring a cup of water in the kitchen, I suddenly fainted and remained unconscious until today afternoon, with no one knowing any better.
Going to the hospital alone, I had also wasted a lot of money just to let others examine me thoroughly. In the end though, I only received the result of having a “50% chance of a terminal disease”.
There are only a few who can have a life like Pei JiYu, with twists and turns beyond expectations.
For a moment, I didn’t understand whether the heavens wanted me to die or not.
I told He Li that I wanted to resign.
Sporting an all-knowing expression, he spoke with contempt, “Pei JiYu, I was still wondering how long you could maintain this act.”
With me not giving any explanation, he took it that I acquiesced to his words.
“You have to remember that you are just a pet I keep. As long as you listen to me, you will get everything you want.” He Li then proceeded to pinch my chin. “Don’t be so greedy, or I will make you lose everything.”
I remained silent.
He pinched my chin harder and said, “Why are you not speaking?”
There was menace in his words.
So I obediently replied, “Yes, I will not be so greedy anymore.”
Who He Li was as a person, I should have known from the start.
It was a pity that I had been too obstinate for so long.
I had met him when I was facing a dead end in life. To me, a person at the bottom of the abyss, he had reached out a hand. It was just a whim, but I had thought that it was true love.
He had treated me as a pet, but I had treated him as a lover.
It turned out that I was too greedy. What a pity that I only understood that today.
Lu QingFan once told me that a person’s innocence only lasts for a period of time.
Fortunately, having woken up to reality completely, it was still considered not too late.
Lu QingFan had also said, “JiYu, you are so reckless that a day will arrive where you exhaust all your naivety. At the time, what should you do then?”
Now that I have used up all my naivety, what should I do?
What else can I do?
Naturally, I could only wash my face and dress up before going to the hospital to examine the unforeseen tumor in my body.
Dr. Meng said that the test results would be released in three to five days.
“Don’t worry,” he had also said, “it’s probably a benign tumor.”
That was to say that it could also be malignant. I mused to myself that every doctor seemed to be quite skillful in their way of speech.
“I had never thought that my life and death would one day have something to do with a small tumor.” I sighed emotionally.
“Even if it turns out to be malignant, you may not die.” Dr. Meng continued, “A lot of people end up surviving after undergoing treatment.”
“Survive?” I laughed. “How many years can you live? Even if you really survive, you would have to take the medicine on time and go to the hospital every month for examination. Being unable to smoke and with a strict control of your diet, no one will look at you as a normal person. You’ll also tremble with fear that the old illness will reoccur. What’s the point of living so carefully?”
Dr. Meng looked up at me with a steady gaze and said seriously, “Mr. Pei, you are too pessimistic about life. As long as someone lives, there would be infinite possibilities. However, once someone dies, they wouldn’t have the chance to feel happiness again.”
But when people die, they also won’t feel sad or disappointed again.
I didn’t share my thoughts with him.
Even if I had told him, he may not have understood, as after all, there is only one Pei JiYu.
Perhaps I was really pessimistic about life.
As someone who was greatly disappointed, I had no respect for the sacred act of living.
Perhaps I had prayed too devoutly before, as it was only now that I felt thoroughly dispirited.
When bidding farewell to Dr. Meng, I came across Lin Ming at the hospital entrance.
Beside him, there was He Li who was accompanying him.
They came in as I went out, and we coincidentally met each other head-on.
I felt really awkward.
Lin MingJiao was timid and weak, like a porcelain doll that had not been broken. He was pitiful, lovely, beautiful, and young. If I were He Li, I would have also chosen him.
Why did I not understand that before? I had even insistently questioned him face to face regarding this issue but in the end, I had only humiliated myself.
If I had known a little of my limitations then, I would have packed up and slipped away from He Li silently after knowing of the existence of Lin Ming.
At least I should have feigned ignorance, closed my eyes, and continued to be He Li’s obedient pet till he was sick of me. Then he would have sent me away with a large sum of money.
How naive I must have been to ask him – do you love me or not? Once, I even blocked Lin Ming at the door in order to force him to leave He Li.
There is no second fool in the world who is more stupid than Pei JiYu.
When Lin Ming saw me, he huddled up in fear. He probably remembered the slap I gave him.
He Li pulled Lin Ming’s shoulder towards him and wrapped him in his arms, seeming like he was protecting a glass baby.
In the past, he had treated me just like that, with such caution and care. However, later on, for Lin Ming’s sake, he had also hired people to slap me ten times. My face was so swollen back then that I couldn’t meet up with anyone for over a month.
He Li had said to me then, “This is to teach you a lesson and let you know some propriety. Pei JiYu, it was I who favored you so much that you forgot your identity.”
No, I didn’t forget. It was just that I hadn’t figured this out from the beginning.
I was like a clown on the stage, putting up an ugly performance to tease the audience until they convulsed with laughter. Despite that, I had naively thought that their laughter meant that they like me.
Tut, how foolish I was.
“JiYu, why are you here?” He LiXian asked me. He was a little surprised.
It was as if I couldn’t get sick and visit a doctor.
“Oh, I have a cold so I came to get some medicine,” I lied.
Was I supposed to tell him the truth? That I have a tumor in my stomach and the doctor had asked me to test it to see how many days I have left to live.
No, no, no, no, I couldn’t say that. It would just make him detest me for no reason.
He’d frown and say distastefully, “Pei JiYu, you’d even come up with such a method just to arouse my sympathy.”
No, no, no, it was painful to just think about it.
I used to love this man, but now he covered me all over with cuts and bruises. His thoughtless words would crush me like grass straws.
“The weather is cold so you need to wear more layers.” He looked at my slightly old coat. “I’ll let someone send some money onto your card. It’s time for you to buy some new clothes for the winter.”
I nodded. “Yes, I will.”
He already disliked that I was not bright enough. In his eyes, I was just like old and worn clothes. There was no need to wait until the end of this winter, for he would throw me out like a pair of worn-out shoes.
He Li did not say anything more. He walked past me with Lin Ming and did not give me any further glances.
I stood still silently until their backs disappeared around the corner of the corridor before running away from the hospital door quickly.
My hasty movements caused a lot of dissatisfaction from passersby. I proceeded to dodge into a dark blind alley before crouching in the shadows of the buildings on both sides. I was tightly clutching the woolen coat around me, but still ended up shivering from the cold.
It was really cold this winter, but I was dressed far too thinly.
So I shouldn’t blame him for wanting to get me a new coat.
1
Here, the author used “人气” which commonly refers to one’s popularity or “living force” but it is kind of weird in this context and seemed irrelevant to the overall sentence. Therefore, I took it as an expression illustrating that there is no one around.