Jun. My last name is Kang and my first name is Jun, but everyone calls me Kang Jun. Because Kang Jun sounds better than just Jun. Han Joonwoo, who they had placed me in the same class as for the first time in our first year, was the first to say those words. Afterwards, I became ‘Kang Jun’. Sometimes, there’s people who call me Jun, but I think it’s okay to talk about that story later.
During our first year, Han Joonwoo, who I had met due to us being in the same class for the first time, differed from me even if you looked at it vaguely. From aspects concerning physical appearance such as height and skin colour we were vastly different, and in terms of grades Han Joonwoo had taken a heavy seat in the lower vicinity of the entire school.
But did I ignore Han Joonwoo as soon as I saw him? The me who thought that everyone had an indisputable spot that matched their ranking would’ve normally done just that. However, strangely enough, I couldn’t do that to Han Joonwoo and only him. The Han Joonwoo whom I first met. At that moment, light brown eyes fiercely pressed down on me.
Han Joonwoo had a particular smell. I couldn’t identify that smell but his colourless scent captivated me, and like a fish drawn to bait I unknowingly spoke to him.
I often found commonalities between Han Joonwoo and Kang Jun. For example, we were people who stood out particularly well in school and outer things like the title of being the children of families that were very well off.
For example, our school was split into two sides; the rich neighbourhood and the poor neighbourhood.
I, fortunately, was from the rich side. Amid that, I even lived until now in the neighbourhood with the most expensive land price. I grew up as the extremely cherished only son of my parents and didn’t lack a single thing. Notably, the fact that my parents were people who were socially powerful was the same as placing a gold-like treasure on the small palm of me, who was newly born, so it’s easy to understand why I grew up to be a bit vicious.
Anyway, for that reason, our school could have rich kids and extremely poor kids all in one classroom. Han Joonwoo was the former. After finding that out, I struggled with joy. With a justification in mind, I approached Han Joonwoo without reservation and, naturally; we became friends.
I was good at studying; Han Joonwoo was good at fighting. So, the guys who used a bit of strength naturally gathered with Han Joonwoo as their center. Not even a month passed by when Han Joonwoo sat on the summit of the east building’s group. Like that, Han Joonwoo was called the most famous male student in the east building.
The door in front of me stayed closed shut for a period of time, but it opened as soon as I tried stroking my sore stomach with my hand. Between the gap in the door, I could see Han Joonwoo’s glowing red skin. That red skin let go of the door and the door that had lost its support closed again. Gradually, the door obscured Han Joonwoo. I wiped my mouth slightly with the back of my hand and entered the room before the door closed. I was desperate.
When I entered the room, I saw Han Joonwoo quickly sit on the bed. Han Joonwoo was wearing only one piece of clothing that stuck to his body and he had a cigarette in his mouth, chewing on the tip of it.
“Fuck. Dad’s making a fuss again. You answer the call and tell him something. Say that I was studying with you,” Han Joonwoo said while clicking the lighter. The cigarette didn’t light up.
The languidness after intercourse was clearly visible on the punk’s face. My stomach was still stiff and sore. I rubbed my stomach with my hand as if pushing it and approached Han Joonwoo, taking out the cigarette full of bite marks from his mouth and shot in a tone dripping with annoyance, “Why me?”
“Because we’re friends.”
Yeah, friends. Frieeends. Han Joonwoo’s tone, which elongated the ends of his words, made me particularly sad. I felt like my chest was getting torn into pieces. However, I maintained a brazen face.
“Just so you know, you have to pay me back no matter what.”
“Thanks.”
The smell of chestnut blossoms remained in the room. The unique and pure smell women held furtively irritated my nose. Truthfully, the reason I came to identify this smell was all Han Joonwoo’s fault too.
I heard from the guys who went to the same middle school as Han Joonwoo that he had been sleeping with girls since about his third year of middle school. Rumours say he lost his virginity with a classmate in the school bathroom.
Surprisingly, it was said that he appeared to be in his twenties at the time. Han Joonwoo had a mature appearance that did not look like a high school student. People who saw him for the first time thought that punk was an adult. With thick lines and strong facial features, he evoked a solitary atmosphere.
After entering high school, Han Joonwoo proudly walked around clubs whenever his lower parts felt bored. He had a lot of money, so he brought around an ID card I didn’t know where or how he got made with the first digits starting with adult numbers and showed it off proudly as if it were his own. It has been quite a while since he developed a habit-not-habit of having a one-night stand with any woman who he thought looked okay. It must have been a big thanks to his appearance that he could keep his debauched life undetected.
Though if you pick each of his facial features apart; eyes, nose, mouth, they couldn’t be said to be the best but put them all together in one area and they truly create the image of a mysterious, handsome man. That atmosphere was so delicate there was no way it could come from a high schooler so most people thought Han Joonwoo was around twenty-five.
Pretending to look for someone, I shook my head. Truthfully, there wasn’t any meaning. It was because I felt nauseous to the point of wanting to throw up enduring the heavy atmosphere flowing after intercourse without a word.
“And Go Yohan1?”
“He went home.”
“……”
“No matter how much I think about it, that bastard’s real crazy. Funny bastard.” Han Joonwoo cupped his chin and laughed. I furrowed my brows.
Go Yohan was the second bastard I hated most.
That bastard didn’t get close to Han Joonwoo until our second year. I’d rather die than admit it but since they went around together, it’d be right to classify them as friends. At the time Han Joonwoo was the most famous person in the east building, there was also a rumour that Go Yohan was the most famous person in the west building.
However, we had never met. We only caught glimpses of each other’s faces sometimes in the cafeteria on the first floor of the building between the west and east building.
When one punk next to me in the cafeteria nudged me with their elbow and said “him, he’s Go Yohan,” I felt a bit curious and stood on the tip of my toes to take a peek. There, in the midst of black-haired people, there was a tall, sharp-looking punk that stood out. As soon as I saw him, I knew he was that bastard.
“His personality seems dirty.”
When I said that, one of Han Joonwoo’s underlings answered, “Yeah, a bit. He really just does whatever he wants.”
I just nodded my head when I heard that punk speak mockingly.
I hate to admit it but for whatever reason, I could see why he naturally took the role of Han Joonwoo’s competitor.
Conspicuous gloominess. That was my first impression of Go Yohan when I first saw him.
And then, just like a coincidence, our eyes met. It was strange for Go Yohan to feel my gaze. In the cafeteria swarming with black-haired guys, there wasn’t just one or two people looking at that punk, so the coincidence of him meeting eyes with me of all people was enough to make my mood sour. Those long eyes contained thin pupils. Amazingly, it was something that small that was noticeable. I opened my mouth with the same reflexive instinct as flinching when getting hit by a stone.
‘What are you looking at?’
Maybe he saw what I was mouthing. Go Yohan narrowed an eye. Truthfully, I was a bit scared, but I pretended like nothing was wrong and turned my head. And I spoke to the punk next to me as if I wanted him to hear, “But he looks a bit like a snake.”
After that, Go Yohan and I sometimes made eye contact, but we pretended as if we didn’t know each other and passed by each other. When we made eye contact, Go Yohan would lower his head and avoid my gaze before lifting his head again and looking me in the eye. Go Yohan did that nine out of ten times, and one in ten times I would get absorbed by that gaze. I didn’t know how many times it had been now because I gave up counting starting from the eighteenth time.
Like a miracle, Han Joonwoo and I were in the same class again in our second year. While secretly being excited about the fact my relationship with Han Joonwoo would continue, I met with a familiar face. It was a truly surprising and insane event. And simultaneously, I had a proper look at the face of that famed figure for the very first time. Go Yohan.
The one who spoke first was Go Yohan.
“Hey, let’s eat together.”
Damn it.
And, just as everyone imagined, those two became friends. Han Joonwoo was a man who knew the taste of popularity, and Go Yohan, who was secretly called his rival, was very manly by Han Joonwoo’s standards and was a popular punk among our peers. Han Joonwoo and Go Yohan’s friendship was something that would naturally occur.
Among our classmates, the topic of who would win if Han Joonwoo and Go Yohan were to butt heads came up all the time. In my opinion, those two punks would never fight. If Han Joonwoo and I’s appearances were incompatible, then Go Yohan and Han Joonwoo were two birds of the same feather.
However, there was only one difference between the two who were so similar.
Go Yohan had a side to him that would strangely act like a good student. Someone like him, who had ears pierced with holes.
For example, if Han Joonwoo were to feel horny, he’d embrace whatever women he liked at that time and spend the night with her. When the other guys would ask about the myth of the night, he would proudly describe that strange dawn. However, Go Yohan would sneer at the words of the males in heat. Sometimes, he would even ask if touching someone’s chest was really that good and grab the chest of the chubby guy next to him as if wanting to pop it and press it. When the punk whose chest was grabbed would squirm in pain and yell, he’d snicker and let go.
“This pig’s chest is even bigger than a woman’s? Touch his breasts. Hey, you look so unsightly though. Wear a bra before you go around. You walk around as if you’re presenting your breasts. It’s rude, really.”
And he’d say these vulgar things.
However, he was different because even though he was like that, he’d say that he dedicated his chastity to the God of the future as if he were preparing a scene. Han Joonwoo asked Go Yohan if he wanted him to forge his ID card for him, something which he never even asked me, but Go Yohan would refuse his demand by saying he was quite good at doing useless things.
The group of punks, which included Han Joonwoo, found Go Yohan’s unusual side quite amusing, but I didn’t like it very much. The reason was simple. It was because he was close with Han Joonwoo. And those two went around together as if they were close friends. It was just for that reason. I just disliked it. I was overrun with jealousy.
Still, I got along with Go Yohan one way or another. My strength was that I could hide my feelings no matter the situation. And, Go Yohan was close to Han Joonwoo. Yeah. The center of all my human relationships was Han Joonwoo.
Truthfully, the days where I think myself to be suffocating and exceedingly stupid took up more days than the days where I thought about Han Joonwoo. Even so, I was still like this.
Han Joonwoo only threw a few words at me, who was sitting in a random chair, before going into the bathroom to wash up; during that time, I spent the time thinking about this and that. After a few minutes went by, Han Joonwoo’s phone rang. Han Joonwoo, who had washed up during that time and got out, picked up the phone that was left on his bed and threw it at me; I caught it. Then, I heard the voice of Han Joonwoo’s father on the other end.
I cleared my voice. Just because I wanted to seem better.
“Yes, this is Jun.”
-Jun-ah? Are you perhaps with Joonwoo right now?
“Ah, yes.”
-Really? I guess this ahjussi was worried for nothing. I thought Joonwoo couldn’t get a grip on himself again and went around to play. Yeah. Our Jun-ie’s voice is very handsome too.
“Thank you.”
-It’s nothing. Are you doing well?
“Thanks to you. Is ahjussi doing well too?”
-Yeah, but the way you speak is so classy. It’d be nice if our Joonwoo could speak as prettily as you. That kid has no manners. Oh yeah, are you studying together with Joonwoo?
“Yes. It seems like Joonwoo forgot to contact you. We’ve been busy because exams are coming up soon.”
-Are you going to continue studying together then?
“Yes. He’ll continue to be with me.”
-Yeah, if that’s the case then I’m relieved. I feel relieved when he’s with you.
“Not at all.”
-No, if he’s with Jun-ie then he can’t do anything bad.
“It’s really nothing. Then, I’ll be going to school with Joonwoo.”
-Yeah, then take care. Keep being close with my son. Don’t fight.
“Yes, then, I’ll be hanging up.”
Lies came out with no trouble.
After hanging up, I threw the phone over to Han Joonwoo; Han Joonwoo thanked me with short words and wore his clothes. I turned my back on the spot and headed back home. Han Joonwoo said nothing to keep me from leaving. Just “see you later.” That was it.
It was natural. Our relationship was only to this extent. The situation in which you and I’s relationship seemed this realistic was this deep. And the reason I was walking so hurriedly was also for that reason.
So, on the way back, regrettably different from before, even my throat hurt. I hurried down from the elevator and roughly checked the name written on the license plate of the long-awaiting taxi before getting on. After blurting my home address, I hit my chest in order to calm down my indigestion.
“Student, is there something wrong?”
The driver, who kept glancing through the rear-view mirror, asked in a tone full of worry. Hearing those words, I beat on my chest that seemed to be bruised again and barely managed to speak, “No. It’s just that my upset stomach isn’t getting any better.”
“I have digestive medicine; do you want it?”
“It’s okay. There’s no need. I already had some, but I’m still like this.”
Then, the back of my head hit the seat.
Everything was a wreck after I caught the disease. My entire life was ruined. Being gay was both the subject of fear and ridicule, to the point where cursing gay people was often rampant amongst boys. Of course, I also said those things and agreed.
Because of that, the moment I realized I came to like a man during my first year of high school, I thought my life fell off a cliff. I thought it was the moment where everything I said came back to devour me. However, these events have since become nothing. I didn’t know I’d come to miss these many, hellish days.