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We sat in the living room after dinner. My parents were already pulling out their parenting diaries and photo albums. This was the purpose of coming here.
Showing the parenting diary to Seo-yu hyung while Sung-hoon hyung was away.
It wasn’t an easy opportunity because my older brother was almost always next to Seo-yu hyung. In fact, I was seeing it for the first time as well.
I’ve never seen a picture of my older brother when he was young.
S&S Director Choi’s! Photos from when he was a kid!
My older brother who was the most perfect, big, and handsome in the world when he was young!
Gasp, I was out of breath.
The parenting diary had ten books in total, and it was quite thick because it was also an album.
☆Jin-goo and Mia’s parenting diary☆
Click, I quickly snapped the cover photo. Despite the fact that my mother’s name was Kim Mi-ja, she was never addressed as Mi-ja. She didn’t even change her name though.
“Ah, Hyung. I’ll hug him.”
Seo-yu hyung was trying to put Jae-hoon on his lap, so I quickly grabbed him, but my father grabbed him back to hug him again. Instead of attempting to express his desire to be held in his father’s arms, Jae-hoon softly smiled and remained in his grandfather’s arms.
“Is it when Huung dad was only as old as Jae-hoon-i?”
“No, it’s not Huung dad, but when Sung-hyun hyung was only as old as Jae-hoon-i.”
What?
Who?
“Sung-hyun-i hyung!”
Jae-hoon laughed and jumped back into my arms, so I missed the opportunity to turn the table over.
“What! Why me? Wasn’t this Sung-hoon hyung?”
“I never ever said anything about it being your older brother’s. Even if I tell you to stop by, you never come so you must be mistaken.”
“What does it matter… hyung? Of course, you came to see Sung-hoon hyung’s album!”
“No, I came to see yours.”
“Oh, shit…”
“What did you just say?”
“I didn’t say anything, Mom.”
So I was in a position to witness my own perfect and flawless black history.
“You’ve looked a lot like me since you were a kid.”
“I know, right. You have the same ears.”
It was the voice of looking at an ultrasound picture.
“He looks good in everything, so he can handle any kind of clothes well.”
“Right. They fit so well.”
He was wearing a badge.
“I pondered whether or not to send him to the gifted class because he is so smart that he reminds me of myself.”
“Oh my God, how can you be so clever.”
The round hole was filled with a round brick.
My face flushed as I listened to the story, which was becoming increasingly embarrassing. Jae-hoon was listening intently to the conversations of his father, grandmother, and grandfather, but I had the impression from his glittering eyes and quivering lips that he understood everything. Jae-hoon would have made fun of me if he had been a year older.
“This is Sung-hyun’s 16th baby picture.”
“He was eight months old when this was taken.”
“Yeah, I remember. Honey, you ripped my hair out because of the severe pain that day.”
Except for me, it was a pleasant time.
Ultrasound photos took up one and a half volumes out of ten, and after that, one album per year until the first grade of primary school. I had no idea my house would have such a frightening and terrifying collection of my dark history. Of course, I was cute when I was younger, but it was just my dark history, regardless of whether I was cute or not.
“Ah, this. No way.”
Seo-yu hyung abruptly and hurriedly took out his cellphone. I caught a glimpse of an extremely attractive and adorable young man peering intently at the camera.
Haha, was this Sung-hoon hyung?
“Is this Choi Sung-hoon?”
“Yes, this is the sole photograph that Sung-hoon and Sung-hyun had taken together.”
“Did we take it together? It’s merely a photo of hyung by himself.”
“You are there too. Here.”
Mom pointed to the bundle of handkerchiefs in the right-hand corner of the photo. When I looked closely, I saw a very small newborn baby sleeping with his mouth open. I was so small that I simply resembled a cotton ball.
“Cute…”
Did you say cute when you saw me? Or your spouse?
Click, click.
Seo-yu hyung was taking pictures from various angles to avoid light reflections, but then my mother pulled the photos out of the album. My mother delivered the picture to Seo-yu hyung as he gazed at her with big eyes of surprise.
“You can keep it.”
“But you said it’s the only picture. Are you sure?”
“It’s also a picture of your spouse when he was young. I have a lot of pictures of my spouse when they were young, but you don’t.”
“But…”
I was silently watching Seo-yu hyung to see if he would decline the picture. After some consideration, Seo-yu hyung expressed gratitude and accepted the picture. He had a really joyful expression on his face as if he had been given a precious jewel. A beautiful smile spread across his face.
I had an idea and decided to offer Seo-yu hyung all of my older brother’s pictures, the most gorgeous and perfect extremely domineering Alpha in the world.
“Mom, is that the only picture you took of Hyung when he was young? I’m sure there must be a picture of himself.”
“He has been living separately since he was young, so I don’t have any. But, there’s still his graduation albums.”
“Where is his graduation album?”
“It hadn’t been home at some point. Did he bring it while moving?”
Seo-yu hyung, who was listening with his eyes twinkling, made a sad face. I quickly picked up my phone.
“I should ask Kyung-min hyung. Since he’s abroad, I’ll tell him to bring it as soon as he comes back.”
My older brother and Kim Kyung-min, who was a classmate in elementary school, live close to the school. He’s a hyung that really wants to fit in in our place, so if I called, he’d come with the album and a gift.
“Can you do that?”
Seo-yu hyung smiled again with his eyes full of anticipation. I then told him to trust me. At the same time, I feel a little more at ease… I felt as giddy as I had been the day before the picnic. I wished Kyung-min hyung would come soon.
Seo-yu hyung smiled as he looked at my black history parenting diary. Everything from my childhood was retained by my parents. The crooked calligraphy practice book, as well as the designs that looked to be done with the left foot. When Sung-hoon’s hyung drawing of Superman was discovered, the entire family took a picture.
Seo-yu hyung couldn’t stop smiling the entire time he was seeing it.
Well, it wasn’t too horrible that my amazing and perfect black history made Seo-yu hyung smile.
* * *
“Choi Sung-hyun, don’t you come to your home often?”
Seo-yu hyung asked a question as soon as we walked in to put Jae-hoon to sleep. I was expecting it because my father had mentioned that I didn’t come home very frequently.
‘It’s dinnertime now, I’ll have to tell them to bring in Yachae and Chaeso.’
‘As the days become longer, the dogs become more excited to play. You have no idea since you don’t come home.’
‘The robot vacuum cleaner has changed. You originally used Uncle Grey’s brand.’
‘It was broken, so I had to replace it. You never come home, so you don’t know.’
‘What’s this? A deer statue? When did you travel again?’
‘It’s been a long time since I bought it in Dubai. You don’t come home very often, and you’ve forgotten what’s in the house.’
Dad responded that way to everything I said. It was like a parent who blamed everything on video games. As he made it clear in that way, Seo-yu hyung would have been seeking an opportunity to ask.
“Dad is weird. I got my own place as I became older and more self-sufficient, so how often does he expect me to visit?”
“Hey, you must not have returned for long enough to make your parents sad.”
“Not so long. It’s only two-”
“Even if it’s only for two months, it can be frustrating for parents.”
“No, only two… ”
“Sung-hyun-ah.”
Seo-yu hyung called my name and lowered his gaze. The shadows cast by the lengthy eyelashes were very pitiful.
“You have to be good while they are around. You have no idea when… or what will happen to people.”
“…Okay. I will come often.”
It was so unfair.
It had only been two weeks since I came, damn it.
But I couldn’t tell him. I was terrified Seo-yu hyung would cry at any moment because he was so soft and cried so much.
If it had been my older brother, he would have been much more disappointed because Mom and Dad were both upset that they hadn’t seen each other in almost two weeks. He was the type of person who would do something like that.
“Dad… Sleep…”
“Okay, let’s go to sleep.”
Seo-yu hyung smiled as he patted Jae-hoon’s chest.
“But it’s definitely nice to have a parenting diary. I should write as well.”
“You haven’t written it yet? You should have written it since Jae-hoon was in your stomach.”
“I was trying to write it. I attached a few ultrasound pictures and wrote a diary, but it was difficult to keep up. Choi Sung-hoon told me not to write it if I was having a hard time, so I stopped.”
“From now on, work hard on your writing. Don’t overdo it like my mom and write ten books at a time.”
“What do you mean overdo it? What’s wrong with your way of talking?”
“Don’t you have a parenting diary of yourself?”
I asked with anticipation, but Seo-yu hyung shook his head.
“No. I just have photo albums from my childhood.”
I’d like to see it.
I’d like to see it!
Seo-yu hyung’s childhood photo!
“Is the album at home now?”
“Yeah, Sung-hoon took my elementary school graduation photo and made a frame for it with good quality… Technology these days is amazing.”
“Show me too! Why don’t you show me? Hyung, you’re so mean. Aren’t I family?”
“What is this nonsense? Shut up. You will wake Jae-hoon up.”
“How can you not show me your elementary, middle, and high school graduation photos? It’s really disappointing. I thought we were close. How can you only show it to my older brother?”
“Hey, you didn’t show me yours either.”
“I’ll show you now.”
I hurriedly left and brought my four yearbooks from my room. From kindergarten to high school. After looking at the album, Seo-yu hyung admired my shining appearance. It was fortunate that Jae-hoon sleeps well even in noisy places.
“Wow, you look really young. You look like a middle school student.”
“It was in middle school.”
“You went to a foreign school.”
“Yeah, until middle school. You have to show yours now. Even if my elder brother warns you not to, show me. All three elementary, middle, and high schools. You promised.”
“I don’t have a graduation album from high school… Anyway, I’ll show you when I get home. It’s not that hard. And it didn’t come out so shameful that Choi Sung-hoon told me not to show it. He thought it was cute.”
I was speechless for a moment, but then I came to my senses.
“Lie, my older brother would never say the word cute!”
“Of course, he didn’t say it was cute, but his eyes said that. We’ve been living together for so long, so sometimes I can barely read through his eyes. Surprisingly, he even put it in a frame. I’m afraid I’ll make a frame with Choi Sung-hoon’s graduation photo.”
Seo-yu hyung made a strange noise and laughed. The corners of his lips curled and his brown eyes twinkled with joy.
He was a capricious older brother who doesn’t know that he was pretty, but at other times he showed it like this. I looked at him, who had become prettier because he was loved so much, and he asked me to leave cause he would put Jae-hoon to sleep.
Of course, he would’ve been cute. He was so cute, pretty, and lovely.
So, I was disappointed to know that there was no picture of his high school graduation.
For a brief minute, it felt as if my floating heart had sunk. When I came out of the living room with a gloomy heart, I noticed Mom and Dad playing with Yachae and Chaeso.
“What about Seo-yu?”
“Put Jae-hoon to sleep.”
I sat down next to my mom. Dad picked up an apple with a fork and held it out.
“I’m not going to eat. I’m full.”
“You don’t even come home often, so you’ll get full quickly.”
“Oh, stop it Seo-yu hyung will misunderstand. He heard what you’ve been saying.”
“Then will you come home often?”
Damn it, every two weeks was often. I wondered if he wanted me to come once every two days.
I tangled my mother’s arm without answering.
“If you have anything to say, say it quickly. Don’t whine like a child.”
As expected, my mother was quick-witted.
“Hey, mom. Seo-yu hyung, does he have any thoughts of going to college?”
“…”
Mom raised her head. I continued speaking while facing the calmly repressed gaze.
“When I met him in university earlier, he was very amazed. It’s his first time going to university. I offered to show him around, but he declined. He remained standing at the front gate. It’s like he’s in a place he shouldn’t be.”
“…”
“I guess he didn’t even graduate from high school… There are a lot of older students these days. Some of my classmates are twenty years older than me—”
“Sung-hyun-ah.”
My mother stopped me and smiled. It was a calm smile.
“Are you feeling sorry for Seo-yu?”
“…”
I honestly had no idea why, but I didn’t give an answer.
I didn’t even know why I couldn’t answer, but my mother rubbed my head as if it were usual for me to not give an answer.
Mom didn’t say anything after that. She threw a stone in my head and left me alone to be confused.
‘Are you feeling sorry for Seo-yu?’
I seemed to get motion sickness at the heavy question thrown lightly.
Shouldn’t I feel sorry?
It may be deceptive to take pity on someone who was happy right now.
But.
I felt sorry for him.
I felt really sorry for him.
No matter how much I thought about it, Seo-yu hyung was pitiful.
I mean, I witnessed him taking off his shoes and approaching the railing on Mapo Bridge on a rainy morning. No matter how brightly Seo-yu hyung smiled now, his appearance would overlap with the one I saw before.
I, I couldn’t imagine that…