chapter 45

Answering half-heartedly to Tim that he would never drink beer, it has been three hours since Jude returned to his old apartment. Jude shook his head irritably at his still-sounding heart. His voice, which he heard over the monitor, shook his brain like a small earthquake.

– You don’t know anything about me.

Why did the words, among his other words, which were all filled with mockery and laughter, sound so sad? When he said it coldly, with the gravity of just notifying the person who will take his own life, or the anger that his name was stolen, why did it sound so painful? He shook his head roughly and fell on the sofa, and someone knocked on the door.

TangTang, a small sound rang in his ears. When he saw the phone time as he was dumbfounded by the sound – It was past 12 o’clock – Jude approached the door. Turning the doorknob, Jude narrowed his eyebrows to a certain conviction.

“……you weren’t sleeping?”

His usual smiling face appeared from behind the door. Looking at him without expression, Jude lightly clicked his tongue and turned around. He could clearly feel the presence of him following in. Sitting so naturally on the old sofa that Jude loves, Alvin looked at Jude. Signalling with his eyes to have a seat – Jude sat a little distance away from him, shaking his head with a flutter.

“Why did you open it?”

The answer to the sudden question was superficial.

“Who won’t open the door when someone knocks on it?”

“You knew it was me.”

“……since you’re already inside, stay a little quiet. Then, let me ask first.”

“What is it?”

“You… why were you caught by me then? No, why did you give the police a lead in the first place? You could hide it so that anyone didn’t know enough.”

“Oh, that one.”

Alvin paused for a while. For a moment, turning to Jude and looking at the floor, Alvin slowly opened his mouth. It was the slowest and most prudent way he had ever said.

“I thought I wanted to find someone.”

“Who? Someone you know?”

“No, someone like me. Anyone who can catch me should be able to predict my behaviour and think like me. If anyone caught me before I killed her, I thought it would be someone who understood me by feeling, not by going through the steps like profiling. The rest could be done by observing. Since time was running out.”

“……….why would you want to find someone like that?”

“Well, wouldn’t it be similar to what I said in the hospital before? I’m sick and tired of acting in sync, and I feel suffocated to be surrounded by people who love my mask. It wasn’t bad to continue experimenting on people alone, but there was a limit to it. The limits to meaning, the limits to emotion, the limits to interest. That’s why I took a small gamble. Just in case I get caught. I was really suffocated. With boredom and an unknown emptiness.”

“Today you……that one you told him he didn’t know you at all…”

Jude’s slight stammering spread a smile around Alvin’s lips.

“Oh, you caught it. It was similar to then. He ended up just loving my mask that he made. He didn’t understand me. I didn’t leak a clue to the police for entertainment. There was a sense of desperation, and there was also a small thrill of gambling. What’s that, what do you call it, anticipation?”

“And you … what did you say to him then? You said something more.”

“Before I answer that, you answer, too. Why did you open the door knowing it was me?”

Jude groaned in embarrassment at the persistent blue-grey eyes. There was one solid answer coming to his mind, but it was unpredictable how he would take it. But it wouldn’t work for him to pass it on like a lie. Eventually, brushing his hair, Jude said sparsely.

“Just……. Today you, would you say that you are strangely touching……..”

“I’m touching?”

“What should I say……just, a little pitiful. It’s weird that people don’t know anything about you……and I, too, don’t know anything about you……yes, I admit, it was crazy.”

It’s not that I don’t know. He cut off his words and shrugged, and Alvin strode up and hugged Jude’s shoulders. A slightly lower body temperature reached over his shirt coolly, and Jude stopped talking. He was a criminal, and he got very special attention. There was no one who didn’t know him, there were quite a few people who were his fans, and there were even fan sites centered around him. On the other hand, people with intense hatred, too. Without any warning, Jude heard a whisper in his ear. In his voice, there was a minute smile.

“Of course, at that time, I’m glad I leaked the clues to the police. If I had known you were coming, I would have done it earlier.”

“……….you’re good at smearing detective names. You mean you can leave prison at any time?”

“Aha, I’m sorry. Earlier, you asked me what I said to him, right? I’ll let you know.”

A short voice whispered in Jude’s ear. Jude’s eyes widened for a moment, then closed after a while. Outside the window, thin raindrops began to tap on the glass. Isn’t the sound of rain the most musical nature you can usually hear? Thinking blankly, Jude turned to the window, not pushing his body away. Once again, the voice sounded softly in the rain.

“Jude, can I call you?”

“If I say no, you aren’t going to call me?”

“Gee, that’s harsh.”

A soft laughter mixed with the sound of rain. Hudeudeudeuk, the rain began to hit the window as hard as if it was about to come in. Will it rain tomorrow morning, I don’t want that. Thinking lightly, Jude closed his eyes. What he just heard left a lingering impression on his head like a long drum vibrations.

-Me, it’s not true that I’m not afraid of anything.

The sound of rain intensified, and Jude began to feel drowsy. He had to go to bed early, but he couldn’t stop his tumultuous heart.

“-de, Jude!”

“Oh, uh, yeah?”

Turning his head, Jude stared at his partner’s slightly frowning face under the orange lights of the bar. It wasn’t the typical expression of a man who enjoyed a drink after work despite the police’s tight leisure, and Jude asked with a shrug.

“Why?”

“It’s not why. I’ve called you so many times, but there’s no answer. Did you know you’ve been kind of dazed lately? What’s wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong. I guess I’m bewitched, too. You know, I feel restless.”

He tried to pass it over as a joke, but Jude’s sincere partner asked with his eyes wide open.

“Do you? What do you mean, out of the blue, you want to get out of your solo career?”

Smiling vaguely, Jude drank instead of talking. Tim sat close with a surprised look.

“What? Really? What’s going on all of a sudden? You haven’t said a word about wanting to date a woman for five years. Why? Did you meet someone nice?”

“Oh, no, no. Is it an easy job for a police officer to date? We’ve got to be called in and run out to see blood every time.”

“What’s wrong with being a police officer? When we first met, the title of a police officer works easily.”

“Oh, hell. So it was Rita who dumped you?”

Tim was at a loss for words. While giggling, Jude tapped Tim on the back feeling a slight apologetic. The name of the woman with curly brown hair, who broke up with his partner two years ago in a dignified manner, seemed unexpectedly capable of shaking Tim’s spirit. Looking at Jude with a sullen face, Tim murmured resentfully.

“What a cruel fellow. You know how depressed I was at that time.”

“Well, I know, I know. I had to take care of everything back then. It was a good time because I could always get involved in the drinking party of a reckless Tim, even though it’s true that I had a hard time cleaning up after you.”

“Is that what we’re talking about?”

“Ahahahah, sorry, sorry. But still? Tim, you’re unexpectedly a virgin, aren’t you?”

“What’s the surprise, it’s not unexpected.”

“Come on, that’s how popular you look. Would you listen to that? There’s alcohol left. Drink, drink. Mr. Timothy Maxwell with a broad heart.”

Tim, which looked at Jude with a puzzled look for a moment, soon shook his head with a smile.

“You can’t stop me. I feel like being a fool in front of you.”

“Isn’t that a compliment?”

“Yes, it’s a compliment. Drink up, I’ll go to the bathroom.”

Playfully slapping on the side of Tim standing up from his seat, Jude waved his glass with a smile on his face. In the glass glowing in amber, the ice crashed into it with a clear sound. Very slowly, he spills the cold, light orange liquid into his throat, and Jude squints his eyes. Under the transparent glass surface that sparkled with lighting and alcohol, a familiar smiling face seemed to emerge.

Alvin Jones. The smile disappeared from the blond detective’s face. He was just a criminal, and for Jude, he was just someone that needs to be caught in terms of work. There was no resentment or other feelings in between. Until the first few weeks of knowing his name, it was undoubtedly true. Criminal, police. What more explanation is needed.

-You know you’ve been kind of dazed lately?

I was spacing out. It was a bad sign. However, it was also difficult for Jude to control himself. It was a reaction to being invaded. Yeah, I was being invaded. The hand that held the glass was slightly strengthened. He climbed up to the top of a wall that no one had ever done over the years, step by step, smiling, reaching out his hand, and stirring it at will. And somehow, ever since he appeared, memories of his childhood, like a vision, have been bubbling up to the surface. Reflecting on it, he couldn’t help but feel flustered.

If it had been an act of malice to confuse him by someone else, he would have taken the knife and cut them off. Strangely, however, indeed, the reluctance to push him was more than expected. Is it because the other is approaching beyond his walls, with frankness? Even so, to not cut him off means that….

“Well, hey.”

Unconsciously unwinding his hardened face, Jude turned to the side where the voice was heard. The man, who was not very big in stature, was staring at Jude with a smile of unknown intention. How long have you been sitting next to me?-Surprised by the faint presence of someone, Jude looked into the man’s eyes. Like a mantis, the eyes looked strangely unfeeling.

“Do you believe in angels?”

The blond detective, for a moment, was genuinely dazed.

“…what?”

“Angel. The messenger of justice from God. Do you believe in angels?”

“Ah….haha, ha. I don’t know.”

“You don’t believe it?”

Showing no sign of being hurt, the man asked Jude again with a smile. It was almost certain that he will ask again, and Jude nodded awkwardly. Barely blinking, the man asked again.

“Why don’t you believe it?”

“Eh … well, I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it, and I’ve seen a lot of things that are too ugly to believe that God exists…..”

“What do you do?”

I’m someone who does a lot of what you’re doing to me right now, trying to get answers under pressure, that is, interrogation. Of course, murmuring inwardly, Jude took a glance at Tim’s disappearance and answered.

“I’m a policeman.”

“Ah, it’s the police! So what I do might help you.”

“……..what are you trying to do?”

Bringing people into the arms of the Lord and lowering the crime rate? At the insincere question, the man leaned close to Jude and whispered, as if telling him a secret to overthrow a country.

“I heard the voice of an angel a few days ago.”

“……….oh, is that so?”

“The angel said to me, having had many years of faith and immune to all kinds of persecution, he said he would give me a chance of unparalleled glory.”

“Oh, is that so? That’s great.”

Crying anxiously at his partner who disappeared to the bathroom -Tim! Tim! It’s my fault! I’ll never bring up anything about Rita again! I won’t even say a name with an R in it!- Jude lean his body to escape the breath of the man whispering nearby, but the man continued his words regardless of Jude’s attitude.

“Detective, do you know what an angel does?”

“Oh, talking to God.”

“It conveys God’s will, but it also punishes those who rebel against God. It is an angel, a divine messenger that literally embodies God’s will on earth instead. An angel that is so beautiful, so noble, so strong, that no one can dare to harm…… a holy being that we all have to be in awe of…”

A fanatic? Looking at the man, Jude held his handcuff in his pocket and opened it. It’s not as tiring to be held up by a fanatic. Seeing the excited eyes looking at something far away, Jude became a little more nervous. Maybe he didn’t even take ‘medicine’. Then I’ll be really tired.

“There are many unbelievers and criminals in the world. You know that, right?”

“Well, yeah.”

I don’t care about the unbelievers, but I know a lot of criminals. If he answered sincerely, he was afraid that the conversation would be too long, but the man turned his eyes around and said to Jude, as if he didn’t pay much attention to Jude’s answer in the first place.

“The angel told me. If I kill those who disobey God, he will give me wings in that number. The wings of an angel! He said he would let me be a beautiful and noble beings who convey God’s will. He said I could stand at the same height as them and look down at the world!”

So, if you kill 100 people, he’ll give you 100 wings? How do you carry them all? Swallowing silly questions down his throat, Jude asked the man, looking suspiciously at him.

“……you’re, taking medication?”

When he finally put the unbearable question out of his mouth, the man shook his head enthusiastically.

“Oh, no, no. I’m perfectly fine right now. I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve been so lucid. This must be the power of an angel, it’s amazing.”

Although he seemed strangely excited, his clear eyes and fine complexion did not make him seem drunk. His pronunciation was also clear. Then is the brain itself weird? That’s even worse. Jude, who was carefully looking at the man for signs of being a mental patient, was a little surprised by the man’s behaviour the next moment. He grabbed Jude’s arm and asked Jude with a nervous glint in his eye.

“So, tell me, because you’re a detective, you know a lot of criminals, right? Let me know. Who deserves to be punished the most? It’s good for the police if I get angel wings, isn’t it?”

“No, no, wait, let go of this…”

“What? Let me know. I will definitely make them my wings. Come on.”

The man’s grip was stronger than he thought, so Jude narrowed his eyebrows slightly. He’s a small man on the surface, but where did this power comes from, as the pain spread from his caught arm. Eventually, he put down his glass and reached out his hand to take the man’s hand off by force, and a voice hit his ear.

“You, who are you?”

It was a stern, slightly angry voice. With the mixture of perplexity of one who did not understand the situation and the vigilance against the sight in front of him, Tim strode to their side. To the partner who stood and asks with his eyes- “What’s going on?” -Jude just shrugged awkwardly, as he had nothing to explain briefly. When Tim’s eyes, which changed a little more overbearing than how it was interpreted, turned to the man, the man suddenly let go of Jude’s arms in a hurry as if he was covered in cold water. Massaging his tingling arm, Jude looked back at the man. The way he shakes his head around was completely different from before.

“No, I, I just……nothing.”

As he jumped up from his seat, the man quickly put the money on the table and walks toward the bar door. Jude grumbled briefly, staring blankly at the back of the door as if he was being chased by something scary.

“What? Why is he scared of Tim and not scared of me? Do I look like a pushover?”

“No, that’s not the problem. What’s with him?”

“Oh, I think it’s …… a religious person.”

“A preacher? What, was it too much to just get him out of here? Then why did he look at me and leave? He can just explain.”

“Wasn’t it because he was afraid of your eyes, Tim? The way you stand there and look down is overwhelming.”

He spoke lightly to disperse the tense air, which had solidified into an unusual shape, but Tim still sat facing the bar’s door with suspicious eyes.

“Why does a man who does nothing wrong go out like he’s running away? Did nothing really happen?”

“Well……I’ve heard some unpleasant things, but I think he just said it innocuously.”

“Unpleasant words?”

“Don’t mind what he says.”

Just as he was thinking about telling Tim, a sturdy bartender approached in front of Jude and spoke. At Tim and Jude’s gaze, the bartender, who was wiping the glass, grinned and picked up the money the man had left behind.

“It’s not a day or two when people come here and say weird things. Religion is good, but that’s a bit of a bad case. Well, he doesn’t seem to be an ill person, and he doesn’t seem to have much issue about fighting, so I just leave him alone. It’s not that good because the bar seems to be overcast, but customers are customers.”

“Oh, really? Did you do this often?”

“Sometimes I almost got hit by drunken people talking about strange religions. He’s a nobody, don’t worry.”

Tim nodded disapprovingly. Then when the bartender, who greeted him to have a good time, ran to the sound of his order over there, Tim turned to Jude again.

“So, what did he said? The end in the world is coming?”

“No, he’s going to kill someone and become an angel.”

“……….what?”

Tim’s eyes were distorted by suspicion. In his gaze asking for explanation, Jude opened his mouth in a casual tone.

“No, it’s nothing big. He heard the voice of an angel. He said that if he killed an unbeliever who committed a crime, he would give him the wings of an angel as much as that number. He’s asking me if there’s a punishable criminal. He said isn’t it good for the police if he has angel wings?”

“So, what did you say?”

“What should I say? Then, should I have kindly provided the criminal’s name and address? If he has angel wings or something, I’m the one in a much more trouble. Before I said anything, you came and he just left. That’s all, alright.”

“But still, killing people isn’t something you’re going to talk about to someone.”

While watching Tim’s serious face, as his eyebrows keep narrowing and his hand touching his chin, Jude slapped him on the back and burst into laughter.

“Oh, forget it. He’s already gone. Even the bartender said he’s used to people like that. Let’s not care, okay? If you look like this even on break time, you’ll be sick with heartburn then you can’t be a detective anymore.”

Tim, who had been tilting his head several times with the detective’s face on, soon relaxed his shoulders and raised his glass.

“……yes, it’s no big deal. Let’s drink, since we’re here. Oh, and since you’re talking about heartburn, you should control yourself. You just got out of the hospital. How many cups have you had? Although insipid, you drink faster than I do.”

“Oh, that’s not fair! Now, wait, what’s with the sneak taking? Tim!”

“I’m buying it anyway, right?”

“No, that’s not the problem. Don’t you think it’s too much to give and take? I’m feeling better now, I’m really feeling better. I haven’t had a beer in ages. Tim, okay, I’ll drink slowly. Are you listening? Tii-mmm!”

* * *