The wind along the way somewhat blew away a little of my drunkard-ness. When I was back home, I could clearly speak out these words which carries joy, "oh, we're home."
But I'm guessing Jiang Chen was very delighted about my drunkard-ness because it was as if he got a new toy, the excitement was clearly shown on his face. He rest me on the sofa carefully, then he squatted down before me and asked, "Chen Xiaoxi are you drunk?"
"Yeah~" I was being cooperative.
"Do you know who I am?"
"I know~"
"Who am I?"
"Boyfriend~"
He laughed and pinched my cheeks, "What is your boyfriend's name?"
"Jiang Chen~"
He said, "can you not add "ya" to your words?" (T/N: Starting from xx's "yeah" she had been ending her answers with "ya" which, I am really not sure how to change it to English, but basically, it's just like a slang that you add while trying to act coquettishly. Refer to ep 23 please HAHAHA.)
"I can~"
He laughed and came forward for a kiss, stayed in contact with my lips and said, "do you know what you are saying?"
"I know~"
He laughed loudly this time. I believe he is somewhat drunk too, or else why didn't he realise how stupid this conversation is?
Jiang Chen asked me afterwards, "do you want to sleep?"
"I don't want to~"
"If you're not tired then sit here with me for a while."
"Ok~"
Jiang Chen was sitting on the floor with his head resting on my lap, he said, "you are so obedient every time you are drunk."
I said, "Yes~"
He laughed again.
He said, "Chen Xiaoxi, if I were take advantage and propose to you while you are drunk, would it seem like I'm very despicable, and taking advantage while you are vulnerable?"
I said before, I am a very sober drunkard. So I know I've been waiting for his proposal for a long time secretly in my heart. My mum said before, the highest praise a man can give a woman is a proposal. Alright, this was not said by my mum, I forgot who said it, I'm drunk, don't have too much unnecessary expectation from me.
I suppressed all nauseousness from being panicky, or maybe it's just nauseousness from drinking too much. I said, "I won't~"
He nodded, "oh."
I rubbed my ears, looking forward to his next sentence.
Nothing, he didn't say a thing. Jiang Chen yawned and leaned on my knees, eyes closed.
I blinked my eyes that were blurry due to the alcohol, not understanding anything. In my settings, this moment Jiang Chen should be making use of this perfect opportunity and propose to me. Then I will raise up my noble forehead and tell him I'll consider. Then he will say, "what's there to consider, you are drunk, just accept fast." Then I'll say alright. Then all this looks a bit reserved but it's all caused by the alcohol.
I find that Jiang Chen's actions did not match the context of the first half of the conversation. I hiccupped, smacked on his face and said, "Propose~"
He opened his eyes and looked at me, "you?"
"Ya~"
"Alright, I agree." He said.
I felt an exceptional anger. In this conversation, the subject and object were mixed up and although my mind was clear, but there was still an alcohol influx and I couldn't understand anything. So I grabbed onto a bit of his hair and said, "I don't understand I don't understand~"
He smacked my hand away and stood up, sat on the coffee table that was infront of the sofa. His face came really close to me, so close until I could only see mini me in the reflection of his pupil.
He said, "Chen Xiaoxi, you just proposed to me, I only agreed because it was you, do you understand?"
I suddenly see the light, "I understand~"
He flashed a brilliant smile, "Are you happy?"
"Happy~" I followed his smile.
He praised me by patting on my cheeks, "so clever."
I had a feeling that something was not right, but ever since the kindergarten teacher who taught me to draw a flower retired, I had never received such an earnest and sincere praise, so I was even happier.
The next day when I woke up, I thought about what happened last night when suppressing the headache from my hangover. I turned my head to see the Jiang Chen who was sleeping so soundly. I stretched out my finger to outline his silhouette. While someone is sleeping, you are more likely to see the boyish side of him. The boyish image seemed so appropriate on Jiang Chen's sleeping face. I couldn't help but sigh, he is so handsome and lovely, but why does he have to be crazy and cruel and merciless while deceiving the foolish me?
I bought back breakfast and saw Jiang Chen watching the morning news on the sofa, he indifferently took a glance at me and said, "I thought you escaped marriage."
I acted as thought I didn't understand, I waved the breakfast in my hand and said, "Breakfast."
He threw the remote control aside, lied on the sofa and said joyfully, "Chen Xiaoxi you proposed to me last night, don't act dumb."
I glared at him, didn't make a sound with my sunken face.
I laughed and said, "I saw your household registration booklet in your drawer, mine is with me too, why not we both take an hour off, we'll be the first couple at the civil affairs bureau, and open up the day for them?"
I said with a poker face, "What are you talking about? Time to eat breakfast."
He didn't give up, "don't act as thought nothing happened, I know you remember."
Know your head.
You don't know that a proposal is one of the most important event of my life. You don't know that in my mind I imagined music and fresh flowers and marriage proposal on bended knee and tears. You don't know I have been portraying every expression, action, tone, and words in my heart. I don't know no matter how much I fantasize, no matter how the proposal will happen, a proposal should be done by you, from you.
Thinking back on this journey with him, I've always been the one who is trying hard to chase him. Barely a few people around us approved of me and him, they have always been saying things like "it's easy for girls to chase boys"*. As though he just accepted me conveniently. Actually, it was not, they do not know how much effort I put on him. In order not to miss going to school with him, I waited for him at 6AM in the morning. In order to attend the same university as him, I strived hard to improve on my drawings. My bed was filled with sketches. In order to be with him, I acted as though I didn't understand the look in his mother's eyes when she was looking down on me. (T/N: In Chinese, there's a saying (女追男隔层纱，男追女隔座山) which means for girls to chase boys is like a distance of a yarn, but for boys to chase girls is like a distance of a mountain. It's easier for girls to chase boys, but difficult for boys to chase girls.)
However, he didn't even want to give me the proposal that makes me feel cherished and wanted.
The more I thought of it the more grievances I felt. Warm teardrops cascaded down my cheeks.
Jiang Chen seemed to have gotten a shock, he pushed himself up off the sofa with one hand and jumped over the sofa back rest, ran to my side and hugged me. "Why? What happened?"
I avoided his hands that were trying to wipe my tears, I pushed him away, "I won't marry you, I'm not marrying."
He frowned, "what happened?"
I opened my mouth but didn't know what to say. I could only cry. I still remember Jiang Chen's sweater analogy, I believe he loves me, but I couldn't explain to him the sudden frantic feeling I was experiencing, I was scared, scared because I was the one who said I like him first, so I have to be the first to initiate in everything. I was scared, scared because I was the first one to take that step, so he would think by right every first step should be taken by me. I was scared, scared that I love him much more than he loves me.
He tried to pull me into his arms again, I shook my head and took a few steps backward, till my back hit the door.
Jiang Chen seemed as though he was trying to restraint something and took a deep breath, "are you like this because of my mother? You don't have to worry about her, I already told her clearly. She's like that, like a thunder that roars but little rain falls. She won't be able to change my mind. Furthermore, we won't be staying with her after marriage, it will get better after a while."
The thing that I was worried about the most suddenly became the thing I was least worried about. I am angry and sad, I couldn't care less who your mother wants you to marry…. Alright, I won't care for now who your mum wants you to marry….
When someone is sad, it is easy to end up in a dead end. I looked at Jiang Chen's frowny face and know he must have started to hate me. He must be thinking I'm ridiculous, he must be wanting to break up. Not sure who said this, but a woman bringing up break up a hundred times can never rival to a man bringing it up once. Although there is a suspicion that this was said to belittle woman's EQ, but Jiang Chen doesn't want me anymore…..
After being aware of this point, I realized who proposed is no longer important. Life really changes in a flash. Sometimes the thing you thought was important, suddenly wasn't as important anymore.
I felt giddy like the sky was spinning, I leaned on the door and slowly slid down, I said, "I don't want to break up…. don't be angry….."
Jiang Chen squatted down along with me, he seemed puzzled and asked me nonstop, "what happened what happened?"
"My head hurts," was the last sentence I said before I lost my consciousness. If I knew I would faint after saying that, I would have changed it to something else. Like, "Let's get married", "I will marry you", "I am really proposing to you right now."
Too bad there isn't 'if', there isn't 'if only I knew', there isn't 'starting over', there isn't 'going back in time'. The logic behind human's choice of words is so strange, we always use these words that are of no help, as though it would bring anyone comfort.