Jiang Chen emptied the bento box in less than ten minutes, after which, he even bossed me to throw it out when he was done. As I was outside, carrying the plastic bag with me, I happened to chance upon the sanitation worker auntie again while she was taking out the trash, she greeted me kindly, "Little girl, has your ‘gift’ been sent out?
Her voice calling me little girl made my heart feel very comfortable with her, hence I replied truthfully, "Actually, I didn't come here to give him a ‘gift’, I'm just delivering his meal."
She insisted, "Did Doctor Jiang give you a scolding? Don't be scared, no family has one member, no matter young or old, who isn’t suffering from an ailment, give something to the doctor so your heart would feel at ease, I've been working in this hospital for quite a few decades, I've seen this scenario countless times, rest assured I will not run my mouth."
I gave it a thought, if I didn’t explain things clearly, it would surely tarnish Jiang Chen’s medical ethics, something I really don't care about, what I couldn't take was how this auntie indirectly cursed my family, so I said with my whole chest, "Actually, it's like this, Doctor Jiang and I used to be a couple, and until now there's still a bit of affectionate ties."
The auntie looked at me, clearly a little bit taken aback, and then sized me up meticulously for quite a long time. In the end, she let out a sigh and wheeled the trash away. Right before leaving, she mumbled under her breath, “So young, it turns out it was to get her mental illness looked at.”
When I returned to Jiang Chen's office, he was engrossed in writing something, I walked over and knocked on the table hence he looked up.
I told him, "There's nothing for me to do, I'm going home."
Jiang Chen's right hand was holding the pen, scribbling on his notepad, his other hand was used to turn over its leaves, he said with nonchalance, "Chen Xiaoxi, if you walk out that door right now, we're over."
I thought that the content of his words sounded very intense, it should have been expressed with feelings likened to waves surging forth, yet he said it so flatly like stagnant water, all was said in one breathe without any slight pauses, one can seriously consider this as a talent.
I was standing. He was sitting. But even though I was towering over him, I also felt like my imposing aura was rather losing ground a little bit. I was looking at him. He was also looking at me. But even though we were so close, I couldn't even guess what's going through his mind.
I said, "There's no need to put it so seriously, I just saw that you were quite busy, didn't want to disturb you."
Jiang Chen's fountain pen was twirling between his fingers, he said, "Doctor Su told me, you called me this morning to clear the air, so I'll make myself clear right now as well, and you can leave when you're done listening.
I swallowed a lump in my throat, and let out an "en" to indicate that I was fine with it.
He asked, "Three years ago, it was you who suggested of breaking up, right?"
I replied yes.
He added, "The reason of our breaking up was because of my mom, is that right?"
I replied yes, but immediately took it back and said it also doesn't seem to be it, and that actually I wasn't too sure of what I've said.
He threw the pen on the table with a thump, and my heart tightened all of a sudden, that's probably a very expensive Parker pen.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, and said with a hint of weariness, "Chen Xiaoxi, tell me, have you ever thought about me in the past three years?
This conversation was fast becoming emotional, I wanted to speak, yet it seems like I was choking on something.
The first week after I broke up with Jiang Chen, almost every night, I would suddenly rouse from my deep sleep, strands of hair sticking on my moist cheek and neck, when I'd touch my pillow, and the chest area of my duvet with my hand, it would feel wet.
It was too painful for me to bear, I really wanted to go back and beg him, say it’s all my fault, and that I’ve changed, I’ve changed……..
As a matter of fact, I really went over to see him. One morning, I stood across the hospital, around lunch time, I’ve seen him with his colleagues chatting and laughing until they arrived at a small restaurant nearby to have their meal. I looked at his smiling face from afar, I could even see his dimple, filled with such radiance. I felt hatred, I felt bitterly disappointed, I felt so foolish, I thought I should have rushed to the middle of the road and get run over by a car, I don’t believe that he would still be able to continue eating his meal right next to my blood.
At that time, lots of thoughts flashed through my mind, but in the end, I chose to return home – I wanted to buy a pineapple bun at the bakery downstairs but probably because I was crying so hard which astounded the world*, it frightened the kind-hearted lady boss who gave me three instead, and even told me how there's no difficulties in life that one couldn't overcome. If I could act well enough, I'd go there every single day to cheat her on those bread. (T/N: Used when a person's words and/or actions are unusual that most people are shocked.)
Longing for someone can tear one’s heart as well as rip one’s lungs. So much that some people dare not touch these words — longing for someone. I’ve always said I was never a brave person, I’m afraid of pain, I’m afraid of sadness, I’ve put my longing towards him in a box, and affixed a seal, “If you dare open this you will suffer in pain to death, serves you right."
It was truly effective, hence, I haven't thought about him.
Jiang Chen hit the table impatiently, the tone of his voice was harder, "Is the question really so difficult."
I was suddenly filled with hate that could topple the mountains and overturn the seas, I doubled my fist, clenched my teeth very fiercely, and spat out a word, “Difficult.”
He sneered, "Chen Xiaoxi, why really are you so bold with your convictions?
Sneering, are you? Who didn’t know how to do that, once I bare my teeth I become the Emperor of Sneering they talk about!
I “humph”-ed a few times as I sneered, and asked in reply, "What about you? Why didn't you look for me? Why didn't you coax me? Why did you really break up with me when I suggested to break up? Why did you ask me if I was thinking of you or not? Why are you sitting while I'm standing….."
Jiang Chen was a bit confused by my series of questions, so it took him a moment before he stood up slowly. When I saw him standing up, I panicked. I took a few steps back and said, "Why are you standing up?"
But he instead, suddenly smiled, reached out his hand to grab my wrist, dragged me forcibly, pushed me to sit on his chair, and then said, "Now, you're the one sitting while I'm standing, happy?
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, I think Doctor Jiang's sense of humor came off a bit awkward, even though I was known for having a rather odd 'haha point' but I really couldn’t laugh at it no matter what. (T/N: haha point means the threshold of which one can laugh like how having a low haha point means someone is easily amused.)
With his hands propped on both armrest, I was caged between him and the chair. This action is rather nice, very ambiguous, like a set for when an ordinary male lead wants to act like a rogue towards the female lead.
He smiled and leaned close to my face, stopping at a distance where I could feel his hot breath fanning my face, "You were the one who suggested about breaking up, why should I lower my voice and stifle my anger in order to coax you?
I shrunk down in my seat, "You're a man, shouldn't you coax me?"
He was gazing at me calmly, "At that time, I felt very tired."
I've also calmed down a lot, "You were tired for a long time."
Those words sounded very sarcastic, but there's really nothing much to it, it just slipped from my mouth, that's all.
He let out a sigh, "I actually looked all over for you."
I was shocked when I heard it, and worked hard to rack my brain for my memories of those days for fear that at which intersection which male friend have I hugged or held hands with or blew the dust off my eyes, by which resulted to a misunderstanding, but there was none. Those days, I was wandering around like a spirit. Unless they're fans of the movie 'Ghosts', men would never want to be near me, so I retorted with confidence, "You're talking nonsense, where did you try to look for me?
He was about to say something when his phone that was placed on the desk suddenly let out a ring so he turned around to look at who was calling. And then in a blink of an eye, I found him facing me while he leaned his body over me. I held my breath. Here it comes, here it comes, the time to act as a rogue has come. His hand went pass my shoulder and my heart gave a vicious contraction. But in fact, he was only trying to pull out his white coat that was hanging from the back of his chair. He was donning on his white coat while explaining to me, "Emergency room's number."
The phone on the desk with it most simple ringtone started ringing again, Jiang Chen grabbed the phone and answered it while walking outside, knocking the door open and then knocking it shut. I'm alone in a room filled with loneliness, I think the timing that was picked for when the phone would ring just now was too good, was there a director who yelled action somewhere?
I was thinking he won't be back for quite a while, so I boringly pushed my feet against the floor, driving on the wheels attached under his working chair, and sliding it all across the room, but my last slide came off a bit too hard, and I suddenly heard a clicking sound — the chair went out of balance and I befriended the floor, followed by the chair, with my forehead hitting first.
It was truly a pretty strong hit, if one would capture a shot of it from a distance, it would be sort of how a fish would look like, right when the chef is about to kill it, placing it on the chopping board while it flips everywhere, and then giving it one clean smash to make it lose consciousness.
I held unto the chair on the ground for a while, in a daze, it took me a long time before I was able to handle it. When I slowly stood up, I thought I have to go to the emergency room to look for Jiang Chen, I'm in an emergency too, if undetermined intracranial hemorrhage from cerebral concussion was deemed as one.
I followed the hospital signage, and was moving slowly, feeling the wall with my hand. Deep inside I was really scared, this cerebral concussion and intracranial bleeding have something to do with body fluids and so on. If I walk rapidly, perhaps these brains or blood would slosh tremendously making it gush out.
With great difficulty, I've managed to arrive right at the door of the emergency room, I supported myself with the wall, and whimpered for the inside, "Jiang Chen, Jiang Chen. Come out quickly, I'm Chen Xiaoxi."
Jiang Chen didn't come out, instead it was a nurse, she yelled at me with a scowl on her face, "This is a hospital! A hospital! Why are you so loud!"
I dare not say that she yelled louder than I did, I'm afraid she'd quickly yell even louder that the sound waves emitted would go through my eardrum, and send vibrations to my brain. Also, my head feels very fragile at that moment.
So I said slowly, "Can you please help me call Doctor Jiang Chen?"
She casted a glance at me, "Doctor Jiang went to the restroom."
I wasn't expecting this answer, I thought that when he went out in a hurry just now, there must be something like a fractured head with blood gushing out, the intestines eviscerated from the abdomen which needed prompt treatment. I can't believe he still has time to empty his bladder…..
The nurse went back inside the emergency room, I leaned against the wall, waiting for Jiang Chen to return.
The hospital’s incandescent lights were glaringly pale as always, but I believe that my complexion was perhaps even paler, because Jiang Chen started running a hundred meter dash towards me. I thought it was very romantic, just like how Yi Ping* ran towards Shu Huan at the train station. We were just swapping roles. (T/N: She's referring to the ending scene of Romance In The Rain, a 2001 drama starring Zhao Wei as Yi Ping and Leo Ku as Shu Huan.)
I seem to softly collapse into the arms of Jiang Chen, he was supporting my head with one hand, the other was trying to pry open my eyelids. His hands shaking like that, I was, however, scared that he was going to poke my eyes blind.