I tried to remember the anxiety I should have felt a while ago, but I canāt even put together my hazy thoughts.
I felt weak and if Rodo wasnāt supporting me, I wouldāve fallen off his knees.
Iām thrilled by the l*stful eyes that pierced me.
(I was kissedā¦)
Whatās more, something thatās too rich that canāt be tolerated by a beginner.
Saliva spilled from my loose mouth.
Rodo licked it.
(My body shudderedā¦)
I can feel that Iām er*ct.
My waist is also heavy and hot.
I donāt have to look to know what the hard thing under my hips is.
(ā¦I, will I be embraced like thisā¦?)
If Iām pushed down now, I probably canāt resist.
Being embraced for the first time is scary, butā¦I also wanted it.
However, no matter how long I waited, I wasnāt pushed down.
Not just my first kiss, even though both the second and third was stolen and he knew Iām er*ct, even though Iām glaring with greedy eyes, he didnāt go further.
ā¦as expected, is he thinking of doing it after marriage?
When I was kissed for the first time, it was gentle, as if to relieve my anxiety.
I chased his lips when he tried to move away, probably because I wanted it.
ā¦I didnāt expect it to turn into something so rich, like entwining my tongue.
When I realized that we just had a deep kiss, my face become hot.
He asked if I didnāt like it, but I couldnāt hate the kiss from my beloved whom Iād marry later.
When he asked, ācan I do it again?ā, I was thrilledā¦but just nodded and I was given a passionate kiss again.
Itās natural that since Iāve never dated anyone, Iāve never kissedā¦
ā¦my hips moved.
But I couldnāt even say I wanted him to kiss me, so how else could I say I wanted him to touch me.
In the first place, I never thought that a kiss would make me like this.
Am I that vulnerable to pleasure?
I was kissed many times without any more words, but now I donāt have the courage to look at Rodo.
With just a glance, I can feel a thrill travel down my spine.
I didnāt think it would be so embarrassing to face Rodo, who has such a muscular face.
I donāt even know what kind of face I should make.
So Iām embarrassed to look at him.
āKou.ā
When he called out, my body jerked.
I didnāt hate it at all.
ā¦did he misunderstood that I hate it?
I didnāt want to see his face, but I donāt hate kissing. Unfortunately, I canāt even say that so I can only hug Rodo.
āKou. ā¦Kou, I love you.ā
Being hugged, he sweetly told me.
I thought I had to try not to be seen as gay as much as possible in my family, so I never thought that Iād get to hear someone openly whisper love like this to me.
ā¦Iām so happyā¦
āKou, too. Rodo, love you.ā
Itās frustrating that I canāt even say it properly.
I have to learn more words.
Iām not good at pronunciation, so I often donāt understand what others say other than Rodo.
Powerful and thick arms surrounded me, gentler than I could ever imagine.
I had never been hugged like this.
Until my younger brother was born, I could feel the overprotective asylum from my parents.
But after my younger brother was born, that didnāt mean that they repelled me.
āāI just canāt stand it.
After becoming aware of my orientation, I started to draw a line.
So itās been a while since I was hugged like this, like Iām an important treasure.
Besides, Rodo showed no strong interest in anyone other than me.
He only treats me especially.
Iām very happy with just that.
āāRodo, who treats me especially, only loves me.
ā¦well, thatās why I didnāt want to leave Rodo.
(I want to go to the bathroomā¦)
At least to dissipate the heat.
But I canāt get down from Rodoās lap.
Rodoās arms also didnāt come off, but above all, I donāt have much strength.
However, I canāt @te on a personās lap.
As expected, I canāt be that open.
āāeven if the other person is Rodo.
I never thought that a kiss alone would make me so h*rny.
I heard he had lovers beforeā¦
Iām not going to ask a 156-year-old who his partners were, but are all the people in this world like this?
He might be single for a long time, but I donāt think itās strange if he had a few lovers in the past.
In other words, itās not strange even if he had some experience.
Itās different from me, a beginner.
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(Rodo isnāt satisfied with meā¦?)
Suddenly, my thoughts went astray.
If youāre dealing with experienced people, they might be quick to give up on me, a beginner whoās afraid to be embraced.
He said he likes me now, and heās keeping pace with meā¦but will he hate me in the future?
As for doing the deedā¦I couldnāt even buy s*x toys, because when Iām @ting, I only put my fingers in shallowly. I donāt think I can accept the evil-sized Rodoās thing right away.
Itāll take a long time to get used to it.
ā¦no, not just time, it might even take days.
Would he be impatient with such a partner?
Would he think itās a hassle?
āābut I definitely donāt want it to hurt, and I donāt want to be embraced if Iām traumatized.
However, since Iām a beginner, he might not touch me at all.
I was kissed, but even when he knew Iām er*ct, he didnāt do anything else.
(ā¦what? Should I just put up with the pain and accept it?)
But that would make me feel only pain.
If that continues for a long time, the relationship will not last long.
ā¦at this point, if I endure it for Rodo, he might be the same.
A relationship in which either one continues to endure will soon break down.
I have no choice but to put up with it or Rodo will put up with itā¦and right now, Iām just indulging in Rodoās patience.
(Iām thinking only about myselfā¦)
When I fell into self-loathing, the fever quickly retreated.
Rodo probably noticed that too.
He looked worried and peered into my face.
(Donāt cryā¦)
Iām worried I might cry again.
I donāt want it to be mistaken to mean āI didnāt like itā.
Am I emotionally unstable because of the accumulation of various things?
I hugged Rodo to hide my crying face and to tell him that I didnāt dislike it.
āRodo, like.ā
When I said so, he gently stroked my head.
āRodo also likes Kou. Just Kou.ā
I couldnāt stand those words and tears spilled.
Itās painful that my anxiety never disappeared even though I gave him the words I wanted to say.
[Now I want to take Rodoās hand more than my family.]
I unintentionally spoke in Japanese.
Itās not that I donāt want to see my family anymore, but if Iām told I have to separate from Rodo to see them, then I wonāt.
Right now, the feeling of wanting to be with Rodo is prevailing.
āRodoā¦ā
I rubbed my head against the hand thatās stroking my head.
Rodo didnāt look sad today, probably because heās spoiling me.
Maybe Rodo understood my anxiety.
Since he has similar anxiety.
(If Iām embraced and weāre connected, will this anxiety be alleviated a little?)
Certainly, Iām afraid of the act, but if my anxiety disappears, Iād be happy.
If heās willing to endure for meāā
āMarriage, afterā¦embrace, will you?ā (After getting married, will you embrace me?)
Just when I thought so, I unknowingly said it.
Rodo had a surprised face.
ā¦but he immediately nodded with a smile.
Looking at that face, I felt my chest become warm.