CH 12

Shape of the Heart

Starting tomorrow, there’s summer break~ From here on out, I can go play to my heart’s content, without having to study each and every day. Summer means ocean, festivals, fireworks, I can even go on a trip! I wonder what I should do first~~~

“—And so, why am I here?”

“This is my home, got a problem with that?”

“Home…This is more like a residence, you know?”

If I was asked to give an example as to how this home looked, it was like Isono-san’s1 place. Of course, you know which one I’m talking about. Despite it being fairly modern, it still has this old-school look to it. Like a Heisei jump. More importantly though, despite me visiting a girl’s house like this, my heart isn’t racing at all. If anything, it’s the opposite compared to Natsukawa’s place. Rather than feeling excited, I feel exhausted and dejected. But, I do feel quite the passion from a certain direction.

“It is a normal house, but I understand that the plot is quite different. See, there’s a dojo over there.”

“Isn’t that a dojo over there?”

“Didn’t I just say that?”

Don’t just assume that I can accept this fact just by hearing it once. I needed two attempts for that. Ohh? I hear a lot of wild hound barking coming from that building? What a large family you have, Senpai.

“Hold on a second, why do I have to visit a dojo right before summer break.”

“It’s not as tough as you might expect. You probably have the wrong idea about martial arts. That’s why I wanted to give you a feeling for it.”

“……”

If it’s just that- then—Wait, did you really think I would fall for that!? Not doing any martial arts at a dojo is just even more fishy! Also, what kind of feeling are we talking about? Eh, are we going down that route—

“Excuse me!

“Eh, e-excuse…Wait, huh!?”

I really wish she would have warned me before swinging open that door like that. Instead of opening her part of the sliding door, she instead pulled mine open, so only I could be seen. As a result of that, some scary-looking old man, probably the master, and other bulky men were all staring at me.

“Ha ha ha, Sajou.”

“Senpai, this is probably the first time I ever wanted to raise my hand against a girl.”

“Sorry about that. This is just a small joke for the people who come to visit. Both Yuyu and Ayano had some funny reactions. Especially Yuyu, let me tell you.”

Who the hell is Ayano…Ah, that Mita-senpai who’s always with them? What is this person doing? Ah, that teacher person is looking over here in annoyance. Why are you glaring at me? Okay, Sajou’s going home. Please, let me go home.

“Um, Senpai? Things are different from what I imagined. You’re bringing a boy home to a karate family or judo family or whatever!”

“That is quite the suggestive way of phrasing things. It’s true that we have a skilled martial arts master here, but he only trains those who show the necessary talent, and they all wish to train this themselves.”

“I-I can’t believe it…!”

“Believe it.”

Choosing this path because they wanted to…! There are those who chose this without being forced by their parents when they were still young…!? Or is it just like that one Olympics athlete said, and he was dragged along so he might as well aim for the top!?

“We don’t teach martial arts here, but spiritual arts.”

“‘Spiritual arts’?”

“Depending on the situation, people’s performances change. For example, that they’re stronger or weaker during the real deal of something.”

“Yeah, I know about that.”

“Spiritual arts aims to control this performance, and squeeze out the best possible talent in the situation desired. Rather than teaching sports, we’re like a classroom.”

“So this is like studying? No thanks.”

“I heard from Kaede, you know? You only play games at home. You won’t become stronger just by staring at your screen.”

“No, that’s not—Hey, don’t grab me like that! Shinomiya-senpai? What are you planning on doing with me!?”

“You’ll get better at games!”

“You just came up with that, right!?”

Rather than trying to run away, I just want to go home. However, that public morals committee president grabbed my sleeve, not allowing me to. Why are you giving me this challenger smile? This is spiritual arts, right? I don’t see you being able to hold back in front of Inatomi-senpai either!

“Please, just let go of meeeee!?”

I suddenly heard the loud impact of a wooden kendo sword, to which both Senpai and I froze up in shock. I’m sure I might have been able to escape at that time, but because of the surprise, my body wouldn’t move as I wanted it to. When I turned around, I saw that old man instructor-looking guy who had slammed his wooden sword on the ground, glaring at me.

“—You two are close.”

“Yesh!”

I’m sure that this must have been the world’s best response ever. The step I took forward in order to escape from Shinomiya-senpai’s grasp was about as loud as the wooden sword being slammed on the ground.

“I won’t ever approach her anymore!”

“Sajou.”

Why are you acting all high and mighty now, Shinomiya-senpai. If you don’t bow down to him, you’ll get slaughtered. Look at that presence of his, I’m on the level of a swallow here, he could split me in two no doubt. Eh, I’m not dead? Or…am I already dead? (*Still alive)

“Rin, who is that brat?”

“He’s my junior, Sajou. I want him to join the public morals committee.”

So you really were aiming for that, huh!? Then again, the second you dragged me here, I knew that something was off! Why would I need to train my mind and spirit anyway! Also, isn’t that pretty fast!? There’s still a few more months!

“Oh…? I was wondering who my granddaughter would bring here, but it’s a junior. Huh.”

“Wait, don’t just get the wrong idea! I only took him here in order to train his mental strength!”

“!?”

What was that!? She actually sounded like a normal high school girl there for a second! Shinomiya-senpai can talk like that!? That’s right, be a normal girl in front of your gramps! And if possible, keep that going even from now on—

“Brat.”

“Eeek!?”

I’m a swallow! And right in front of me is a scary grandpa! Him glaring at me with his sharp gaze is terrifying! I feel like a salaryman in the middle of the week! Society is a demon lord’s castle!

“Brat…your name was Sajou, right.”

“No, it’s Yamaza—”

“Hm?” Shinomiya-senpai glared at me.

“Sajou, yes.”

I misspoke. I can feel my life being on the line. Grandpa closely inspected me, and changed his gaze like he was looking at an insect. Why are you looking at someone with these eyes right after meeting them for the first time? Is this the time for me to be reincarnated into a different world as a martial arts fighter? I’m sure he could finish me off with a single slice. He’s a skilled fighter, and I’m a beginner after all.

“What a weakling.”

“That’s why I want to train him.”

“Do you think he can get stronger?”

“That’s why I’m trying to go home right now.” I threw in.

It’s a constant back and forth between me and Senpai. If possible, I want this old man to just hate me, and forcefully kick me out. Though, I feel like that will only end painfully for me…Also, what is that old guy staring at for a while now—Senpai’s hand grabbing onto my arm?

H-Hm…Senpai, just relax a bit, you’re going to break my arm at this rate. This gaze is as sharp as a laser beam. Let’s stop with the skinship like that. Is this what you should be doing as the public morals committee president? This is an illicit relationship.

“Brat, what is your relationship with Rin?”

“My older sister is a friend of hers.”

“That’s not it!”

—Eh, I’m wrong?

*

Senpai’s friend is my Big Sis, and when I told him that I was that person’s younger brother (Skipping the long talk), Grandpa said ‘The relative of one of my granddaughter’s few friends is always welcome’, and softened his attitude. ‘I can tell that you’re not strong enough to actually attack my granddaughter in any way’, he even added some weird logic, and I already feel like my heart has been trained enough.

“Being able to use spiritual arts in the modern age has a lot of benefits. Standing in front of other people, participating in a discussion, giving a presentation, dealing with an annoying superior, all these situations can lead your head to end up blank, but a trained person can keep their calm mind.”

This grandpa actually has some common sense? What happened when he was younger? He’s definitely a late-bloomer.

From what I heard, this doesn’t sound too bad. Losing my temperament couldn’t hurt. Seems like it has a lot of appliances as well, so I might actually be a bit curious.

“How much have you trained yourself, Shinomiya-senpai?”

“Ever since I was a child, so I don’t even remember.”

“Yet, you immediately go into spoiled mode when you’re with Inatomi-senpai…”

“This and that are different. You can freely love whatever you want. Watching small birds or flowers with a deadpan expression would be pretty boring, right?”

So you’re comparing Inatomi-senpai to small birds and flowers. I feel like I might just be able to write a poem about this. When I envision Inatomi-senpai reading it, I can see her having a lisp. Weird? Her appearance didn’t change, and yet I get hung up on her voice so much. Inatomi Yuyu (VA: Inatomi Yuyu).

“You know the term ‘Concentration of Mind’, right. It has strong resemblance to Buddhism, and if you look that up in a dictionary, those professionals explain it as something like that. Just think of it as many different types.”

“H-Huh…”

I was told in a cross-legged position like I was meditating. They call it zazen, but since I couldn’t come up with anything, I just sat there cross-legged like I normally would. But, that seems to be just fine. If anything, putting my legs on my knees just leads them to freeze up, and that won’t allow me to feel the vibrations in the air, which would be the improper way or something along those lines. Not like I had any intention of doing that anyway. Since this didn’t hurt or was any uncomfortable, I just listened carefully.

“The ‘Observation Style’ heightens your observation, just as the name suggests. It’s split up into two-types, one being ‘Concentration of mind’, whereas the other is called ‘Mind extinguishment’.”

Ob…eh, what? Could you maybe say that again, I couldn’t catch that. Shinomiya-senpai must have seen me in confusion, and delivered an explanation.

“Just think of these two as vertical graphs. If you have ‘Concentration of mind’, you can control the various graphs that represent your emotions to keep them at an average level. You might think that ‘Anger’ and ‘Sadness’ could go out of control, but you can just control them by adjusting other emotions.”

Hm? Ah, yeah, wow, this sure is amazing. I’m so calm, and thanks to that, I can talk to gals even from now on. That being the case, looking forward to spending time with you. No no no no no, listen here…I’m really happy for the explanation, but…graphs? Negative emotions? When’s A, B, or X coming out next? This sounds like a math equation.

“At the same time, ‘Mind Extinguishment’ allows you to completely cut off any emotions. If I were to use the example of the graphs from before, you could completely put all of the values to zero. By the way, these kinds of qualities were seen as a danger back in the era of the warriors. After all, this would allow you to kill people with no remorse or regret whatsoever. Now that we are living in a peaceful time and this being allowed, it makes you more of a super human than anything.”

Hmmm!? Did she just say something mighty violent?! Something about killing or whatever…What are you going to teach me? Something violent like that…I can’t do that, you know? I’m more about Love & Peace. I love white pigeons and New York. Ahh, now I’m craving some pigeon sabré.

“Either way, today we will observe just what disposition is a better fit for you. You don’t need to think about anything, just turn your heart into ‘nothingness’. Doesn’t have to be by definition either, it has to be your own ‘nothing’.”

“Eh? Huh?”

“Why are you so surprised! I told you to create a ‘void’ inside your heart!”

Eeek. He slammed the wooden sword on the floor again. Because of the shock, I almost let out a shriek yet again, but I somehow managed to hold that back, and just closed my eyes, emptying my heart.

…I slowly felt myself dozing off. My plans for this summer break popped up in my head. Well, they weren’t big plans or anything, I was just thinking about playing games, sleeping in, and maybe working part-time. With my current allowance alone, I won’t be able to buy that new game I want. Yeah, I really should search for a part-time job…

No, wait a second. How do you even empty your heart? They told me like it was nothing, but I ain’t got the foggiest. Um…ehm…

‘………Wataru…’

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!? Why!? Why did I suddenly end up with some lewd fantasy about Natsukawa!? Am I suddenly horny for no reason!? Is my adolescence suddenly coming back!? No wait, I’m still in the middle of it! Calm down…calm down, me! When this happens, you need to think about some boring stuff. Calm down, my short and small son!

Crap, I can’t focus at all. The more I try not to think about it, the weirder the fantasies get in my head. Let alone inside my head, I can’t show any of this on the outside…Alright, focus up.

‘………Kaede.’

‘………Haruto.’

Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!? Why did Big Sis and Yuuki-senpai suddenly…Gah!? Gross! I feel disgusted for actually having this kind of fantasy! Why did that pop up in my head anyway!? What is wrong with me!? Who am I!? A hottie!?

“Hmm…hey, open your eyes.”

“Huh? …!?”

“~~~!?”

Senpai sounded a bit bothered, so when I did as I was told, I found her right in front of my eyes. I couldn’t let out a voice caused by the shock, and just stared back at her…Eh? Why is she so close? Our noses were about to touch. Is this some kind of guidance? Why is Shinomiya-senpai shaking?

Oh right! I guess it makes sense for her to panic when a boy and a girl our age acted like this! What was that hair touching of Natsukawa about!? She wasn’t flustered at all!? I kind of understand that she doesn’t hate me, but now I’ll just get my hopes up because of that…!?

—Ah, it’s summer break. Now it won’t be awkward for a while. I’m glad…Ahh, so lonely.

“S-Sajou…!? Why do you look like you’re about to cry!?”

“I see…I won’t be able to meet her for a month…”

“What are you talking about? Me? Is it me!?”

What did I even do last year…Natsukawa didn’t have a smartphone yet, so…Oh yeah, I saw her during an evening shopping trip, and started to track her after that…Wait, doesn’t that make me a stalker? These memories are worse than I would have expected…And I think I was carrying her shopping goods, I remember my arms shaking.

Natsukawa Aika…Ahh, even the fantasy in my head is cute. Isn’t it crazy how reality and fantasy actually match up for once. This never happened before…

…Ah, my memories from the end of spring are coming back. I saw myself in the mirror with my brown flashy hairstyle, and uninteresting face. With this odd matching that I had, I started to feel grossed out just by remembering it. I feel like I was full of doubts…Why was I even working this hard?

That’s right, it’s not me, it was never me. Look at the goal, let alone Natsukawa, there isn’t even…Yeah, didn’t I think about it? Even if I was next to her, all the other guys would just be annoyed with me. That’d just wear me out, as well as Natsukawa…

“—yy——jou!!”

That’s why I just want a normal daily life, one you could find anywhere…

“—Hey! Sajou!”

“Whaeh!?”

I suddenly felt something shake me, which is why I let out a weird voice.

“What is it!? An enemy attack—Wait, what?” I accidentally ran my mouth.

Probably because I played too many FPS games.

“Don’t give me that! Your eyes were like the void itself!”

“H-Huh…? Doesn’t that mean that I succeeded…?”

“‘Observation Style’ isn’t that gross!”

“Gross…”

Just by hearing ‘Eyes like the void itself’, I felt my chuunibyou soul burning up, but hearing from a girl that it sounded gross hurt quite a bit. Actually, that’s a big shock. Where’s that cute face from before now?

“For crying out loud…what were you thinking?”

“I mean, I was just trying to empty my heart—”

“You weren’t even close to that, brat”

“…Excuse me?”

Grandpa spoke up from the side. Wasn’t he contradicting himself? I mean, why was I mediating in the first place then? I became desperate, and started thinking about nonsense. They were mostly wicked desires, huh. If not thinking about anything was impossible, I would have at least wished for some healthy thoughts instead.

“There’s no way a thinking living being like a human can not think about anything. I was just telling you to ‘empty your heart’ so that we would find out what you’re thinking.”

“They were mostly wicked desires.”

“Towards Rin?”

“No, not at all.”

“Why!?”

I mean, ever since I met Natsukawa, she’s pretty much the only person who can make my heart skip a beat for real. It’s true that Shinomiya-senpai was pretty cute just now, but I definitely didn’t skip a beat or anything?

“So you’re the ‘Mind extinguishment’ type.”

“Eh, am I some super human?”

“Rin made it sound like that, but not quite. Hearing ‘mediation’, you generally think of some holy ritual, but ‘Mind extinguishment’ is fairly rare. Yet, you keep lying to yourself, with retrospective thinking—Jesus, the youth of today.”

Eh, he’s angry at me? Isn’t it good if I’m the ‘Mind extinguishment’ type? Being able to empty my heart like that, isn’t that pretty amazing? Or, is that some forbidden talent that shouldn’t exist in today’s world? Also, lies…Well, the last part might have been one.

“The ‘Mind extinguishment’ type…It reflects the strength to clear the inside of you depending on the situation. You didn’t try to clear and erase anything, and just pushed it aside, you fool.”

“…!”

“G-Grandfather…I didn’t bring him here only for him to get lectured.”

“Ahh no, it’s fine, Senpai.”

‘Push it aside’…Yeah, that makes sense. I’ve known about this. I knew about my inferiority complex, but isn’t it fine if I’m just aware of the position and rank that I have in society? It’s true that I had no intention of aiming for something higher, but that just saves me from going through the potential pain when failing. Of course, things change if it’s about my salary.

“So, what is the criterion for the ‘concentration of mind’…?”

“It is ‘the strength to put yourself outside of you’…In other words, to look at yourself from an objective point of view. Basically, you write this reality into a book, and read it as an average reader.”

“I-I really thought that Sajou was more the ‘concentration of mind’ type…”

“Even if you had any kind of basis for that, was this guy always a ‘related party’?”

“Ah…”

Is he talking about my first meeting with Shinomiya-senpai and Inatomi-senpai? In truth, I wasn’t a related party back then. I only talked on and on from an outsider’s perspective, that’s all…I see, with my fantasies just now, I really was seeing myself as a participant of the story, so I didn’t succeed in the ‘concentration of mind’ at all.

Looking at it from the position of a spectator, it really is someone else’s business, and I can see my eyes just ending up devoid of any emotion. This spiritual arts…isn’t half bad. But then, what was that fantasy about Big Sis about? No, I’ll just forget about that.

*

Just as they announced, once they understood my thought process (?), I was freed. Because I felt some obscurity within myself, I think it was a great opportunity to look at myself. Not to mention my way of sorting out my heart—I was only thinking about myself, but I’ve learned that there are other ways of doing this as well.

However, the only thing that left me dejected was Senpai’s grandfather giving me a gaze along the lines of ‘Don’t ever come here again’ when I wanted to honestly thank him. Though, I feel like he’s just bad at dealing with today’s youth in general. Leaving Senpai aside, of course.

“You know, Senpai.”

“W-What is it, Sajou?”

“I feel like being a public morals committee member might be too heavy for me.”

“T-That’s…”

With me learning about many other ways of approaching things, even if I could use that as a measure, I don’t think I could reach a natural way of thinking about this. Being called an inexperienced fool by that grandpa, who probably laid the ground stone for the current public morals committee president’s way of thinking, I don’t think I could fit into the public morals committee which requires reading of ambience and human relationships. Even more if Inatomi-senpai or Mita-senpai already experienced this kind of thing.

“Anyway, I’ll be seeing you once the second term starts, Senpai.”

“Ah……”

I split up with Senpai, and left through the gate—Wait, gate? Can you call it a gate in this case? It’s like I left an official institution.

It’s not like I had a sudden change of heart. Even so, a nostalgic feeling from my previous days when I still thought I had a chance with Natsukawa came back playing in my head, almost as if to haunt me.

1 A reference to the anime Sazae-san