/
The Arrival Of The Clown
What am I supposed to do? That single thought kept on filling my mind. It’s not as if I was particularly troubled by something. I just couldn’t forget about this sense of reserve that had grown between Wataru and me, and it made me feel anxious.
‘We’re not like that anymore.’
Since then…since then, something’s gone off the rails. Whenever I relax, his words play in the back of my head. I felt like I had grasped the meaning behind those words already, so why can’t I just forget about them? I’m sure Wataru must be feeling awkward all the same. But even so, I’m the one who’s constantly flustered, even openly showing it. His face that time , and every other face of his when he tried to fight the awkwardness of the situation, it’s all the same…and whenever I see him looking at me like that, I feel the deep parts of my chest freezing up, and my head turning empty.
I just had to end up behind Wataru after we changed seats. After that incident, I find it hard to even talk properly to him. And despite that, whenever he leaves the classroom, whenever he comes back, we end up meeting eyes. Once that happens, he would show me this apologetic smile that I can’t bear to see anymore. I know whose fault this is. I’m forcing him to show that kind of expression.
I wanted us to get along, nothing more. Yet, I myself am getting in the way of that. Can we never go back to how we were before? Can I never brag about Airi again, have him call her adorable, and hear about stories between him and his older sister? The idea that we could never laugh together like that filling my head makes me indescribably anxious and worried.
Just three days ago, when I stopped Wataru, I completely forgot to hold back and used the excuse of having to go shopping to run away. For some reason, something deep inside forced me to do so. I had to hide my embarrassed and boiling face from him. Feeling pathetic was all I could back then. And since I’m constantly lost in thought about that, my head filled by this uneasiness, ‘cracks’ started to show.
“…Ah.”
I made another mistake. I used the correction tape to cover up the area above the previously used correction tape. I’ve made the mistake three times already, not to mention on a single paper. With everything going on, I can’t properly focus.
Three times a week was supposed to be the promise that we’d help out after classes, but that already lost all meaning. Lunch break and the end of classes were supposed to be times for students to relax, so why do I have to work relentlessly like this? I’m not on the same level as Sasaki-kun or those two seniors, but I’m still annoyed.
“…Um, about this part here.”
“Ah, yeah. You have to—”
The third-years would answer each of my questions with kindness and detail. However, their voices sounded full of pain and regretfulness, it hurt just to watch them. What is going on…? They’re all good people. I don’t see them as individuals who would just push the work onto their underclassmen. And yet, everybody who is part of the committee could see that things didn’t make sense. We all start realizing that something beyond our control must have gone terribly wrong. However, our positions as first-years left us too weak to find out what exactly this was, forcing us to simply do the work we were given.
Eventually, a limit was reached. Discretion of the upperclassmen was weak, and they started showing clear discontent as they had their own work and were tasked to assist the first-years all the same. Albeit faintly, two sides were starting to build up.
‘~~~♪’
“!”
We heard a loud ringtone that was lacking any kind of decency considering the situation. Inoue-senpai almost seemed like that was a long-awaited notification, as she moved her long nails along the screen, operating her phone.
“What did Nakazono-kun say?”
“‘Come on over,’ he says.”
As I thought —was probably something everybody had in their minds. The soccer club managers Inoue-senpai and Ogawa-senpai realized that things in the committee weren’t working out, and instead opted to slip out all the time. The reason both of them could so blatantly leave us behind is that the soccer club as a whole voiced their discontent with the committee. After telling the club about the situation here, they riled up complaints left and right. Despite the two of them only helping in the collapse of the committee, they didn’t bother even showing any remorse.
Rather, it seemed like they didn’t even feel anything about this whole committee anymore. They made us feel like we were the ones troubling them. Pulled along by these two, the other second-years emitted their annoyance. The tension in the room became so vivid it made the hair of all us first-years stand on edge. We could do nothing except continue our work in silence.
“You too, Taka.”
“Y-Yes.”
Inoue-senpai is the girlfriend of the soccer club’s captain. I don’t know just how much influence she has over the club as a whole, but I’m pretty sure that Sasaki-kun has no way of going against her. While I continued my work, I let out a faint sigh. Even so, there’s a reason I don’t think of these seniors as bad. At first, they were treating me and the other first-years with genuine kindness. They didn’t come here with the intent to slack off. That’s why they even come here still, despite everything. I can see good faith, so as long as they worked together with all of us, I’m sure we can still—
“Oh yeah, why don’t you come with us, Natsukawa-san.”
“Huh…?!”
That sudden invitation took me by surprise. I didn’t expect them to ask me, which is why I let out a bewildered response. Countless gazes immediately focussed on me.
“Oh yeah, she’s pretty cute, I’m sure the boys would be happy.”
“You said you’re not part of any club, right? Why not come check it out. Or rather, just join us already.”
“Stop with that~ She’ll steal all the boys from us.”
“I got Taito, so I’m fine.”
“U-Um…”
Inoue-senpai and Ogawa-senpai kept on discussing between themselves, whereas I didn’t know how to react. Hearing that random boys I don’t know would be closely looking at me like that only made me feel more scared than anything. I looked at Sasaki-kun, who gave me a somewhat hopeful gaze.
“I mean…how about it?”
Don’t ask me like that…Do you even understand the severity of the situation? I’d rather not have you slip away from your work at all, you know? I understand that you’re annoyed and displeased with this sheer endless amount of work, but ignoring it all and pushing it onto someone else doesn’t seem like the right choice to me at all. If I did that, I wouldn’t be able to proudly call myself Airi’s older sister.
“W-Well…I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
“Hm? Why?”
“Err…”
I was at a loss for words. However, if I didn’t properly turn them down here, I wouldn’t be able to look at my little sister again. I’m scared of becoming someone unbefitting of calling herself Airi’s older sister. Urged by this sensation, I didn’t have time to properly look for the right words.
“—An underclassman shouldn’t leave their work behind, after all.”
I’m sure I must have sounded eerily cold. At the very least, these weren’t things I should have said to these two seniors and Sasaki-kun. After all, considering that they did exactly that each and every day, it sounded like I was complaining. But of course, I only realized that when it was too late.
“…”
“U-Um, Natsuka—”
“Huh. You make it sound like we’re pushing our work onto you first-years and just run away. Well, you’re not entirely wrong. Sorry for inviting you.”
“Yep, you’re different from us . Not part of any club, you got your studies down, and a real goody-two-shoes. So boring, really. I feel like an idiot for even trying to be nice.”
Even if I corrected my statement, I couldn’t erase the hate I bought myself. In fact, nothing could be undone, as I said what was right. I brought up a logical argument, but it’s not wise to always argue with reason. I just blew out the small flame of goodwill towards this committee inside those two seniors, and changed this place to something they probably wouldn’t bother coming back to. If I had been more careful when choosing my words, this wouldn’t have happened.
“If you’re that desperate for work, then do this as well.”
“…Ah…”
As I was dejected at my own failure, Ogawa-senpai gathered documents and files from her desk, as well as from Inoue-senpai’s and Sasaki-kun’s, all putting them down in front of me.
“—Idiots. All of you.”
Inoue-senpai threw those final words at us, once again making me realize that I really made her hate me now.
“…You’re Natsukawa-san, right? I’m sorry about her.”
“Ah, it’s fine…”
Another senior the same age as Inoue-senpai apologized and grabbed all the documents I was previously given. Her expression looked defeated, like she was reflecting on the situation. I thought she felt the same as Inoue-senpai…
“Well, you know…”
She must have guessed what I was thinking, as she muttered these words in a meek voice, averting her face. I don’t think she even cared much if I heard these words, and simply returned to her seat. It’s Takeuchi-senpai. We never interacted much, but I remember her name from the nameplate on her chest. This tense situation I find myself in reminded me of how my family was a long time ago. I felt nostalgic for all the wrong reasons when I heard the door behind me open.
“…Huh? Sasaki…kun…?”
“Y-Yeah…”
Sasaki-kun appeared from the opened door, showing an awfully awkward expression. I thought he went off to his club with the other two, but now he put down his belongings at his seat, looked at all the documents stacked up into towers in front of me, and apologized to Takeuchi-senpai.
“Err…what about your club?”
“…I stopped.”
“Huh…?! You quit?!”
“N-Not that way! I just…”
“Ah…okay.”
He stopped. Of course, he didn’t quit the club as a whole, but he stopped skipping out on work with the other two. He explained that with a guilty look in his eyes. I felt disappointed that the other two didn’t come with him, but I also felt relieved to know that Sasaki-kun was still Sasaki-kun.
“Say, Natsukawa.”
“Yeah…?”
“How…do you feel about Sajou?”
“Huh…?!”
It all happened far too abruptly. Since we were still behind with all our work, I figured that we’d just both focus on getting stuff done. Yet he threw that bomb at me out of nowhere. I once again let out a loud shriek, so I apologetically lowered my head towards all the sharp gazes directed at me. H-Hold on…why would he ask me that?
“Um…What?”
“…Sorry, it’s nothing. Forget about it.”
“Err…”
Following that, he kept his gaze still averted from me, and dove into the mountain of documents. I don’t really get it, but he seems oddly dejected about something. I guess I should just let that slide for today, and not talk to him.
“…Sajou was here a few minutes ago.”
“Huh…?!”
That comment left me even more bewildered, earning me the displeased gazes of everyone around us. I simply kept my head low, not daring to look around me. I wanted to give Sasaki-kun a judgemental look, but I also couldn’t let him find out that something awkward was going on between me and Wataru, so I gave up.
But, still…Why would he…? Even when I tried to guess any emotion from Sasaki-kun’s expression, he kept his eyes down on the documents in front of him, not continuing. It’s almost as if he didn’t want to talk about it any further. That kind of stance is the only thing I could think of.
“……”
For some reason, I was filled with a wave of inexplicable anger. I barely felt anything when Inoue-senpai pushed the work onto me and just ran off…and yet, when Wataru’s involved, I found myself plagued by a strong feeling of discomfort.
“Did Wataru…Did that guy say something to you?”
“Huh…? I mean, he did, but…Huh? Natsukawa…san…?”
“……”
Sasaki-kun must have felt like something was off, as his head shot up, his eyes filled with confusion. I think my attitude and expression were as calm as before, but I found myself surprised at how low my voice got during that comment. I became aware of my selfishness and scolded myself in silence.
—Why only Sasaki-kun?
Even if things were a bit awkward between the two of us, he came to this room, and actually talked with Sasaki-kun, yet didn’t bother to even come to greet me. He could have just shown his face or said hello…He could have just… helped me …
“N-Natsukawa…?”
“Ah…”
Sasaki-kun’s worried voice pulled me back to reality. I guess I was just staying still without doing any more work. Not to mention while looking at Sasaki-kun. Depending on how you looked at it, I was practically glaring at him. I wanted to apologize, but eventually gave up on it, and just looked away. I was forced to ask myself. Was it really something that should spoil my mood like that? Normally, Wataru shouldn’t have anything to do with the executive committee…so maybe he just passed by this room, and ran into Sasaki-kun. How selfish could I be to expect him to help me? There’s nothing weird about this. However, instead of just passing by without talking to Sasaki-kun, he decided to talk with him, and that was my gripe.
“Hmph…!”
I let out a grunt to keep the anger and frustration inside of me under control. The disappointment that he still didn’t come to say hello despite all of that annoyed me. We’ve known each other since middle school. We’ve known each other longer than he did Sasaki-kun. Much longer…My cheeks started to feel hot. I put both my palms on my cheeks to calm myself down. The only way to regain composure in this situation was for me to simply focus everything on my work.
*
“As we’ve announced last Friday, today’s work will be put on hold, and we’ll conduct a meeting instead.”
It was another Monday, right around the time our own class started preparing for the culture festival. The air inside the culture festival executive committee office felt a lot different from usual. Hasegawa-senpai, the president of the committee, stood at the front. I knew that things were going south, and I did expect for us to eventually talk things out but seeing this differing scenery inside the room made me realize that this wasn’t the bad kind of meeting.
Looking to my left, I saw Inoue-senpai and Ogawa-senpai. I thought they wouldn’t show up again after what happened, but I guess I was wrong in that. I knew they were good people deep down…But of course, my naivete only lasted for a brief moment.
“Additionally, the student council president will be giving their input on the future of the culture festival execution committee’s working principles.” President Hasegawa commented.
“I’m a temporary assistant of the student council executive branch, second-year Ishiguro. Let’s work together from now on.”
Two male students stood next to Hasegawa-senpai. Judging from the color of their neckties, one of them was a second-year, and the other was a first-ear. The senior’s name is Ishiguro. What a strong name—I was only thinking for a moment because the boy standing next to him gathered all my attention.
“I’m the…assistant of the temporary assistant of the student council executive branch, first-year Sajou. I look forward to working with you.”
The boy, all too familiar to me, politely lowered his head. It’s the familiar back of the head I just looked at during the previous class. His brown hair changes color every time a bit of sun hits his head. Met with the sudden appearance of Wataru, Sasaki-kun and I looked at each other in shock.
“You’re an assistant yourself…What the hell is the assistant of an assistant?”
“We’re still not on the same level. Also, whenever I end up in a position with responsibility it always comes back to bite me.”
“I’m not letting you slack off, you hear me?”
“…Aye.”
They were having a discussion that only left me more confused. But, it’s been a while since I’ve seen an interaction involving Wataru like that. I found myself happy that people close to me had arrived in this stiff atmosphere. However, there are far too many things I wanted to ask him.
“Anyway. As you can probably see from how we’ve prepared the room, we will proceed to digitalize all work going forward by using the laptops stationed here. The contents of today’s meeting revolve around details regarding the change of workflow, the current situation of the executive committee, and how we plan on fixing the problems present.”
While listening to Hasegawa-senpai’s explanation, I practically glared at the guy who didn’t dare to make eye contact with me. And at the same time, a single complaint filled my chest.
—You could have at least told me…
*
“As explained, the outside supporters…namely Hanawa-senpai’s family will be supporting us. We’re at a time when the individual classes will soon begin their preparations as well, so that would be the only method for the executive committee to finish their work in time. Right now, we’re on a schedule that should allow us to barely make it. To bring value to this culture festival, this would be our optimal scenario. We might even achieve the extra bonus.”
Why? For what reason? These thoughts filled my head. I understand that the student council has his older sister, but…would you normally go this far? However, this single doubt was completely erased after listening to the entire picture. I was surprised, to say the least. I thought that we were just late in preparing everything, and that it all came back to the committee. However, the reason for this chaos was actually many reasons combined. Especially the part about the friction between the former and current student council surprised me.
‘Currently, the biggest problem was President Hasegawa’s false judgment, namely to not inform the student council. Be it the trouble in the past or the workflow that Teacher Oneda forced onto you, the student council decided that it was too much to handle for a single committee president.’
Ishiguro-senpai showed no restraint while explaining the circumstances. Because of his business hairstyle, refined facial features, and height that surpassed any average male student, he seemed like a company worker or higher-up. I can tell that he’ll be a reliable senior, but what kind of person is he…I had no idea Wataru had connections to him. Maybe it’s related to his older sister…
“……”
Contrary to Ishiguro-senpai, Wataru simply stood still, not saying a word. He didn’t comment on anything his senior said, which made me wonder why he was even there in the first place. What can a fellow first-year even do…I subconsciously compared him to myself and grew anxious.
*
“—So, the files you need will be inside these folders. You’ll copy that in the same folder, and change the name as shown in the sample. All that’s left is to look at the documents given to you, and fill out the necessary information.”
“Ehm…Sorry, one more question…”
“Oh yeah, that’s—”
“………”
Wataru gathered all the first-years around him, diligently explaining things. His main duty of being here must be different from the other seniors, as it was relatively simple. But even so, just looking at the workflow we’ll be dealing with from now on, the amount of takes us is completely different.
While watching the broad and confident—or rather usual Wataru, I found myself staring at him with disbelief almost. I didn’t know since when I stood there with my mouth half-open, but I quickly covered it up in shame. Wataru began talking with a girl from another class. He then taught another student something. He carried a laptop under his arm like he was used to it. He didn’t rely on a mouse, but instead used the small touchpad beneath the keyboard, controlling the laptop. Rather than his explanation, the slick movement of his fingers caught my attention first. All of these were sights from Wataru I had never seen before.
“So…how are things going over there, Sasaki, Natsukawa?”
“W-We’re fine…”
“…”
“Gotcha.”
Hearing my name, I frantically looked away from his fingertips. I raised my head, which led to me and Wataru interlocking gazes. I felt guilty for my actions and immediately averted my eyes. This only made me feel more embarrassed, so I could only nod along with Sasaki-kun’s comment in silence. But even so, I can’t forgive myself, and just blurted out the one thing I was curious about.
“S-So…Wataru, what are you doing here…?”
“It probably became apparent in Ishiguro-senpai’s explanation, but those ‘outside supporters’ and interacting with them isn’t something we first-years can do. We received all the important documents, material, and data, so things we can do are organize the information, and proceed with the work the student council gave us. I guess I’m just…the bridge-builder?”
“I-I see.”
It was a straightforward answer. I felt embarrassed that I couldn’t even give a proper response. I don’t know why I’m so nervous and restless. If things were just awkward between the two of us, I could just focus on my work and interact with him that way, and yet…
“Anyway, we should use the last bit of time we got left. Ah, I have some mice over there in that box, so just grab one.”
“Ah…”
With Wataru’s words as a signal, everybody sat down on their seats, starting to work with the laptops. Compared to their usual expressions, they now showed hopeful smiles. The marathon with no end in sight had passed them, and they had finally found out what to do in order to make it through this hell. Even I myself felt that. At the same time as I felt relieved, I found displeasure burning inside my chest that wouldn’t go away no matter what. I know I’m being greedy here. Even so, just saying ‘Okay, time to go our separate ways again’ is something I couldn’t allow to happen. My body wouldn’t let me end it here.
“W-Wataru—Eek!”
“……Err, well…what’s up?”
“A-Ah, well…”
Right as I took a step forward, Wataru turned around faster than I had expected. I tried my best to stop in time, but my hand that attempted to grasp his arm was met with empty air, and I fell onto him. I was immediately greeted with Wataru’s distinct and nostalgic scent, but the alarms going crazy in my head urged me to move away before I could really take it all in.
Ahhhhhhhhh!
The embarrassment made my inner me scream in terror and pain. I could feel my head boiling. I carefully looked up, and although Wataru responded, he had his face away from mine, covering his eyes with his hand. His reaction was far too honest, it made my blood boil even hotter. I tried to remain calm and somehow managed to put my words into a coherent sentence.
“So…you’re okay…right?”
“Am I okay…? Ahhh.”
Just what was I even asking about? Despite me asking the question, I didn’t know the exact meaning behind my words. Or rather, there were too many I couldn’t figure out which distinct one it was. At the very least, I wasn’t just asking about his work here at the committee. And yet, ignoring how vague and unclear the question was, Wataru thought about it for a moment while looking up at the ceiling, and then looked down at my eyes.
“Probably? Not like I can tell.”
“Geez…what kind of answer is that.”
Wataru showed a faint laugh, and after confirming that he was okay, I turned around and headed to my seat. Of course, I had many more things I wanted to ask him, but simply hearing these words was enough to make me feel relieved.
“Phew…”
I guess I shouldn’t have worried about other people. The second he walked into this room, he was the same Wataru as always. I don’t see any reason to be worried. I just decided that maybe something was wrong, worrying for no reason. I have to calm down a bit. I grabbed a mouse and faced the laptop screen at my seat. Sasaki-kun was already engrossed in his work.
I’m not really used to working at a computer, but since I often look up videos online, I should at least be fine using the keyboard. I did as I was told, and double-clicked on the file in the folder to open it up.
“……”
Every time I remembered a step of the procedure, Wataru’s face flashed up in my mind. After all, he was the one who explained everything to us. I had tried my hardest to listen as best as I could, but for some reason, every single step on the way, replayed in my head, was voiced by Wataru. I’m good at remembering things like these, but I doubt this is the only reason why.
I ran my eyes through the file given to me. Yeah, if I just have to add in any missing information by typing it in, then I can see this work being a lot more simple and quicker. I don’t even have to use my head much. I only had t alternate between the document and the screen, and while my mind was just in a trance during work, I realized that I had forgotten to ask Wataru the most important thing.
Why is he even helping here, I wonder…? I mean, strictly speaking, he’s helping the student council. That’s why he called himself a temporary assistant of the executive branch. So then, the reason he’s going out of his way to help us here…is for his older sister who’s part of the student council?
“…How nice.” I blurted out in a quiet voice.
Every time I think about Wataru and his older sister, I get jealous. The way she rushed to the infirmary, completely out of breath, when Wataru collapsed…And now, Wataru is doing his best in order to help her. I keep hearing weird stories from Wataru, but I’m sure they both support each other…and the thought of it makes me feel jealous.