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Shaken (3)
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Shaken (3)
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“I’d like to go out on deck for a while and get some fresh air.”
“It’s raining. You could slip and get hurt.”
“I don’t care,”
“If you win this game, I’ll let you go.”
It meant no. The game was incredibly difficult, and she barely understood the rules. She was annoyed, but she decided to use a more effective method.
“We’ll arrive at the island soon…”
“Oh, why are you crying again! Do you only show emotion when you need something? Are you really that cold?”
There was a reason why Henry was proud that his commander was cool-headed; because he wasn’t. Tears worked better on Henry than Ian.
“I’ll be really quiet. It’s raining, so all the passengers are in bars or restaurants. Let me go out for a little bit. I cleaned myself up, so even if we run into someone, no one will recognize my face.”
“When you said you wanted something to eat yesterday, you told me there wouldn’t be a problem. But then you spit up blood and collapsed.”
“My lies ended yesterday. I have no reason to lie now because I made a promise to Sir Kerner. Besides, isn’t going out better than leaving me alone with Ian?”
Rosen spoke with the most serious and genuine face she could muster. Henry shook his head and glared at her.
“You’re lying. You were trying to kill yourself.”
“Don’t you want me to die? You’d like it if I did, wouldn’t you?”
She changed the subject in a way that would make him feel guilty. Henry was at a loss for words and couldn’t answer. He replied in a low voice.
“I’ve killed enough people. I don’t want to do that anymore. And you…”
“…”
“Rosen Walker, you’re so mean. Listen to what you’re saying.”
Henry’s expression was more distressed than she expected. She felt a little bad.
In the end, Henry asked Ian with a look of reluctance.
“What shall we do, Sir? Should I take her out on the deck? It is up to you to decide, but I hope you will make a wise decision. Don’t betray my remaining trust!”
He was like a younger brother asking his older brother to do his homework. Even if they quarrelled, Henry seemed to rely on Ian alone. After all, living as the youngest was the best in many ways. All difficult decisions could be passed on.
Ian put down his newspaper and ordered.
“Henry, go to the storehouse and get a drink.”
“What drink?”
“Rosen Haworth asked for a drink yesterday. I agreed to get it for her.”
“I asked if I should take her to the deck. If I leave, you two will be alone. How could I do that?”
“Go.”
Ian ordered without explanation. The military did a good job of training their soldiers. Their methods may be coercive, but their efficiency was superb. Henry Reville was a dog tamed to command. He reflexively got up from his seat and walked out the door.
And so, she was left alone in the cabin with Ian Kerner. It was a problem that could be solved with just one command, without having to sacrifice her pride. She had two thoughts.
One, she had to do her best to convince Ian Kerner.
Two, the way they talked was really strange. She lay down on the bed. She asked Ian, who was still sitting at the desk.
“Why is Henry upset today?”
“That’s just how he is. He has been an immature foal since birth.”
“And you’re still holding his reins pretty well. I can see why you are a commander.”
“I have to hold on tight. I lost everything except him.”
It was a flattering remark, but he delivered it in a sullen voice. They were words that made her heart hurt. She knew what he was missing because she was also from Leoarton. He missed his hometown.
So him saying something like that meant not to talk anymore. But she deliberately acted ignorant. She interjected brightly.
“I don’t think it’s fair.”
“What?”
“You read newspapers and reports, so you know everything about my life, but I don’t. I can’t read, so all I know is that you’re a handsome pilot. I don’t like it. You hate me and know me well, while I like you, but don’t know anything about you.”
Rosen found out last night. Ian was surprisingly unable to ignore her if she clung to him like a child. He hated fuss and considered his mission to be his life. And she was a troublesome prisoner. So he accepted her foolishness as long as she didn’t cross the line. It was quieter that way.
She couldn’t fight back, nor could she weep and pretend to be sad. The answer was to hang on like a child. He couldn’t turn a blind eye to that. He had lived as a hero for too long.
“The newspapers all say the same thing. Stop reading and play with me.”
Those words caused Ian to spring out of his seat. He seemed to be a bit shocked when she asked him to ‘play’.
“… What the hell are you trying to say?”
“How old are you, exactly?”
Ian stared at Rosen. He seemed to have realized that she was going to ask useless questions while Henry was away.
“Thirty.”
“Very young! Much younger than I thought.”
“I hear that all the time.”
And he knew very well how much trouble it would be if she started whining. As expected, war heroes were very wise. She began to pry in earnest.
“Oh my God, when did you become a commander?”
“The war started ten years ago. Calculate it yourself.”
“Twenty? How can a twenty-year-old be a commander?”
Rosen got up from her seat with a startled expression and approached him. While she was at it, she pulled out a chair and sat down beside him. Of course, it was a distraction tactic, but she really was surprised when she heard twenty. He leaned away from her, keeping a comfortable distance between them.
“If all seniors are dispatched, a twenty-year-old becomes the most experienced. Talas stole people before the war. I know you know it too.”
“…”
“The Air Force has a very short history. On the other hand, it takes a long time to train pilots. There was a shortage of people.”
Rosen was at a loss for words. Twenty years old… she remembered his voice ringing over the speakers in Leoarton. His voice had inspired the masses from that point on.
So she guessed that Ian Kerner’s current age was thirty-three or thirty-four… Perhaps she expected him to be a little older than that. He looked much younger, but she thought that was just because he was handsome.
“All the good pilots were sent to the border or to Malona, so the pilots remaining in Leoarton were academy students. And the best cadets were dispatched one by one. My first squadron was only made up of four, including me. Lucy Watkins, Illeria Levi, Violet Michael… After they all died, it was Henry Reville, Sarah Leverett, and Mikhail Johnson.”
“…There were women, too?”
“There were quite a few. Everyone who could fly was enlisted.”
“…”
“Everyone in my squadron knew what they were getting into. The Air Force was new and dangerous. But they didn’t expect to be forgotten.”
He had memorized their names like a spell, but as soon as he saw her stiff expression, he bit his lip. He seemed to have unintentionally said too much.
“That’s enough. Forget it. I said something rash.”
The Empire did something crazy. They threw cadets, who had just begun to fly, onto the battlefield. The Leoarton Fleet, which the masses believed in, consisted of students. Contrary to expectations, they survived for a long time, so the government and military used Ian Kerner for propaganda purposes.
She should have figured it out the moment she saw Henry Reville, but why didn’t she?
Having fought for a decade, thirty was a ridiculous age. Rosen bowed her head and apologized.
“I am sorry for insulting your colleagues. As you said, I’ve never been taught properly, so sometimes I say things without thinking.”
He sighed and shook his head.
“No, I should apologize. What I told you was…”
Rosen realized that he had Henry fetch alcohol because he wanted to apologize to her. He was hesitant about what to say, but for her, what he had already said was enough.
Because, like everyone else, she liked Ian Kerner. Wasn’t that a hero’s prerogative? He should forgive and be forgiven easily, and receive much love.
“No, you think too much.”
“…”
“There is so much, so much that it suffocates you. That’s why you can’t sleep. You don’t have to apologize to a prisoner like me. This is just how I live my life, thinking about my future.”
“Why do you say that?”
If her observation was correct, Ian tended to get hung up on what he couldn’t understand. The problem was that most of the things he couldn’t understand were difficult for her to explain. She just poured out her emotions without thinking much.
She shrugged.
“Because I like you. I hope you feel at ease. Isn’t that what you wanted in the first place?”
‘We can share our burdens and travel the thorny road. Even if you hurt me, I will forgive you in the end.’
And it wasn’t just a pretense. Of course, she was trying to figure out a way to trick him somehow to get the key. If she succeeded, he’d probably get into quite a bit of trouble.
But apart from all that, she wanted him to live well. It was contradictory, but it was her sincere wish. She hoped for him to walk a solid path, paved just for him. As his scars faded, she hoped he would fondly recall how he was tricked by that crazy witch in the past.
Ian stiffened as he faced her. His grey eyes stared intently at her.
He was silent for a long time, and then he struggled to get his words out.
“…Don’t say that.”
“What do you mean?”
Rosen suddenly noticed that the distance between them was quite small. It was close enough to feel each other’s breath.
“That you like me.”
“Are you upset?”
“I don’t deserve it.”
“Answer me, are you offended?”
When he refused to answer, she repeated the question. It was childish, but she wanted permission. Like everyone else, she liked him. She hoped he would answer that he would be her hero.
“…No, it’s just uncomfortable. I feel weird. You seem to forget what kind of relationship we have.”
Ian turned away from Rosen. His fading warmth made her feel greedy.
She leaned over and kissed Ian’s cheek. It was half impulsive, half with the intention of opening his mind. No, the impulse was greater.
She wanted to touch him. It was a pure desire that occurred when a person who existed only in pictures stood vividly in front of you. Now, she was certain that he would not tie her back up if she was a little insolent.
Ian Kerner stared at her in utter shock, reaching up to touch the spot where she kissed him.
She thought he was going to push her away or get mad. She expected it. But surprisingly, he didn’t do anything.
He stayed still.
The room became quiet. The only sound that could be heard was raindrops pounding on the window. She carefully reached out. She couldn’t resist the growing urge.
***
If you like listening to music while reading, you can listen to this: https://youtu.be/R3OH4Es5Awc.
I have posted this link at the end of the chapter because from now on, I feel like this particular music would suit Rosen and Ian’s story. I love this track and listen to it when I want to clear my mind. Hope you enjoy it as well!