Liang Ze: I really don't know! G.o.d, why am I so handsome?
Hang Hang: …Can you be a bit more modest?
Liang Ze: Uh, oh, ah! I know that you're more handsome than I am!
Hang Hang: You…
Liang Ze: Hey, do you think if we had met each other a bit earlier, like around the age of 18 or 19, then would we have had a chance to be put into an idol group together?
Hang Hang: Even if we were to meet at eight years old, I would not want to be put in the same group as you!
Liang Ze: Eh? Why? Doesn't everyone have a dream of wanting to be a famous idol?
Hang Hang: To be teamed up with you, we probably will just win this one category…comical dialogue.
Liang Ze: …
"Just pick one, they all look good to me." Hang Hang said as he took out a set of pajamas from the closet. "Go take a shower," he put the pajamas in the bathroom.
"Ah?" Liang Ze's face turned sulky, he had not really antic.i.p.ated for this moment. When they finished taking the photos, it was late into the night; also, there were just some minor edits to be done on the photos, so they had decided to wait for them to be done. Therefore, by the time they got back to Hang Hang's house, it was already two in the morning, there was no way to come up with any excuses. But if there was no going back now…you see, this…what is a good excuse now?
"What are you 'ah' ing for? Hurry up and go in."
"'Kay…"
Liang Ze took off his clothes and went in, Hang Hang frowned at the sight; this person does have a lot of bad old habits, look, how can he just casually scatter the suit everywhere on the floor?
I must owe him something in the previous life. Hang Hang thought as he helplessly squatted down and cleaned up the pieces, hanging them one by one into the closet; then, he looked at the open door in a daze.
Obviously that "ah" earlier from Liang Ze had shown great helplessness in his tone. Maybe at this moment as he was was.h.i.+ng, he was trying to come up with an excuse, and then come out and say: Shuaige! Because of the so-so and that and this, we cannot do it.
Is having s.e.x with me that unbearable?
So frustrating. He had never questioned himself that in his whole life. Whenever they did it, the Idiot only gave him one simple evaluation: very gentle and very skillful…
Or, is it because he is…straight?
It must be the psychological factor, he has been with women his whole lifetime, then suddenly he is now the one on the bottom, maybe…it is making him feel reluctant.
Apparently, if he had to make himself not feel reluctant, then he had to force himself. Forcing himself to be on the bottom. This is an unacceptable truth.
Hang Hang felt very hesitant. This hesitation may seem very unreasonable to other people, but to Hang Hang, that is his final bottom line. He had never thought about letting himself be on the bottom, even when he was indulged in that absurd love many years ago. This idea had never even been a consideration. Perhaps, his principle is very despicable, but not for Hang Hang, he had to abide by the rule of "to be the one giving, not the one taking" for some years now.
{Translator Note: "to be the one giving, not the one taking" – think of this idea in the yaoi relations.h.i.+p, the giver is the seme and the taker is the uke. So he always wants to be the one doing the action, to "give/put/push" in, not the one to "take/accept" the "plug" in ^^ I just want to clarify this, so everyone will not be confused with the moral proverb ^^}
But now is not the time to abide by such rule, if he does not compromise now, in the long run, the Idiot is bound to leave him. Right now, he is avoiding him, the next step is running away from him, and in the end…their relations.h.i.+p would end without solving the problem.
Ungrateful or Unloved.
Only pick one of the two.
Hang Hang had crossed out the former one completely, if he could give up, he would not be so distressed now. He had decided to love, it is futile to deny it.
Well, obviously, there is…
"Shuaige, I finished showering, it's all yours!" Liang Ze walked out as he wiped his hair, his action seemed to be relaxed, but his dodging eyes were so obvious.
"Um, Ok." Hang Hang said as touching Liang Ze's tidal hair, kissing his watery cheek, "be good and wait for me."
Liang Ze giggled and nodded, "'kay~" but when Hang Hang entered the bathroom, his smiling face immediately stopped. Wait for you…for what? Waiting for you…to do that!
Not good, not good. Liang Ze shook his head violently. Everyday it had become impossible for Liang Ze to have s.e.x with Hang Hang, his body had started to gradually resist Hang Hang's advances. He could not let Hang Hang know about this, it would hurt his beloved Shuaige.
What to do?
While he was in the shower, those were the only words on his mind — what to do. Even so, he could not come up with an excuse until now.
So frustrating!
Things had come thus far, Liang Ze really did not know what to do with Hang Hang, the two people are in love, yet, they cannot meet the most basic s.e.xual desire in a relations.h.i.+p…then their love is platonic love. Unfortunately, he is not willing to be in a platonic relations.h.i.+p, and neither is Shuaige.
Maybe he should just discuss this matter with him, like Hang Hang goes out and looks for a man, and he goes to look for a woman, to seek s.e.xual pleasure; then they both can still be a perfect pair of lovers and enjoy their time together in other aspects? This more like he is asking for a beating! Even he, himself, thought this solution is impossible!
Liang Ze constantly turned around on the bed, just like an ant in a hot frying pan. Then he could not handle this frustration and wanting a smoke, but then he thought that Hang Hang might get suffocated by the smoke…
Within a blink of an eye, he sat up and headed out of the bedroom, put on his jeans which were hanging at the entrance door and wrapped a coat around himself; he leaned on the windowsill in the living room.
Lighting up a cigarette, his thinking was not getting any more clearer, instead it just became even more entangled.
After finis.h.i.+ng three cigarettes, Liang Ze still could not come up with any good ideas. In the end he finally decided that he should just go ahead and accept it; at least Shuaige can still be satisfied. He had been gritting his teeth to think for such a long time, yet he still could not come up with any new ideas. Then he should just swallow it and prepare his a.s.s.
The so-called "I love you" is actually the shadow meaning for self-flagellation, isn't it?
But, love, what is it really?
What does it mean by "I love you"?
Liang Ze did not understand, but he felt that he was willing to endure it all for Hang Hang. This must also be a kind of love.
Hang Hang finished showering and stepped out. He had finally come up with a decision that perhaps he would never understand in this lifetime — he will be on the bottom. He was not sure whether he would be regretting it or not, he only knew that he made this decision based on his love for this man he is with.
But…
Liang Ze all dressed up like that had made him…
"You…"
"Ah! You're done!" Liang Ze tried to force himself to crack a smile, "I felt like smoking so I came out here, I don't want you to choke on the smoke when sleeping."
Liang Ze tried to hide his twisted face and turned around, Hang Hang saw his simple and honest smile, and…his unzipped jacket showed his naked upper half. He felt relief that Liang Ze did not neatly put on his clothes, so he was not intending to escape.
"Are you cold?"
"Ah?" Liang Ze did not know how to react for a short moment, looked down, "Ah, yes, we will have to wait until May 1st for it to get warmer."
Hang Hang went over to Liang Ze and sniffed, "Sure enough, you smell like cigarette."
"Ha Ha Ha Ha…it's nothing, you go back to bed, I will stand here for another ten minutes and it will all be gone."
Hang Hang rubbed his face on Liang Ze's shoulder, feeling especially sweet. Suddenly he felt a bit of relief. What is there that he could not give up for him? There is no real reason. He is always so simple and honest standing beside him, although occasionally he would make him angry, but…he is very adorable.
"Let's go to bed together, I won't say you're smelly."
Hang Hang pulled on Liang Ze's hand, Liang Ze held onto that hand, the heat coming from that hand is so….warm.
They both lay down on the mattress, whether it was Hang Hang or Liang Ze, they both had made up their determination.
The irony at this moment was that they both had this thought in their mind: As long as it is him.
Liang Ze took off his coat, lay down, and unzipped his jeans, but Hang Hang pressed down on his hand and said, "Come on top?"
"Ah?" Liang Ze looked at Hang Hang lying down next to him.
Hang Hang did not say anything, just pulled Liang Ze up to sit on top of him, "Get it?"
Liang Ze was shocked, "you…mean that…I…you…"
"Yes." Hang Hang smiled and took off his pajamas.
Liang Ze looked at Hang Hang's face in disbelief. He lets me…do him? Didn't he say that he has always been a top?
"What are you s.p.a.cing out about?" Hang Hang pulled Liang Ze down, their lips glued onto each other, and gently kissed him, "You can do whatever you want."
Liang Ze was stunned at what was happening and was about to happen.
Hang Hang noticed Liang Ze's body had stiffened, so he tried to guide him through, letting Liang Ze find his ecstasy on his body.
Liang Ze immediately got into the mood, he breathed down excitedly, violently plundered the kisses, leaving traces of marks on Hang Hang, but…when Hang Hang slid his hand down to grab on Liang Ze's crotch, it was not even erected. He moved Liang Ze's hand to touch his little brother, the trembling hand rubbed on it, giving it a few strokes and it immediately got hard.
Liang Ze lay down, pressing his whole body on Hang Hang and said: "I'm sorry."
Hang Hang was being crushed by him, yet his mind was completely blank, even his vision was not focusing.
After a long pause, he pushed Liang Ze off him, put on his clothes, and sat at the bedside.
Liang Ze was still lying down on the bed, not even uttering a single sound.
"Get out."
Hang Hang's voice was clear and cold.
"Shuaige…"
"Leave." Hang Hang stood up and paced out of the bedroom.
The living room window was still open, the windy breeze blew by, it was not cold but a bit chilly.
Hang Hang walked to the window, looking out on the quiet and empty street. Only a few convenience stores in the neighborhood still had some lights on as they were the only embellishments in this darkness.
He had finally understood that he and Liang Ze…
The problem was not who is on top or bottom, the problem was that Liang Ze cannot be with a man. When he is to be on the bottom, Liang Ze can try to endure it through; but when he is to be on top, he becomes impotent.
If you cannot accept the fact, why did you have to go along with the flow?
Hang Hang could not understand, and could not know why.
This is totally different from a friends.h.i.+p, right?
What made you want to be with me? Because I threatened you, to the point that we cannot be friends?
You reap what you sow.
That was the only explanation that Hang Hang could think of.
He had tried all kind of methods to capture the Idiot into his arms, only to receive a bitter taste of the fruit.
He poured in so much water, injected in so much nutrition, poured in so much love, yet in the end, the tree only produced sour fruit. He could try to eat the sour fruit, but there is only a bitter taste at the core of the fruit, bitter and toxic.
This must be his retribution for wanting to plant a fruit tree onto a dry land, right?
Now, even if someone had told him it's not true, he would not have believed him.
Liang Ze came out from the bedroom and saw Hang Hang had his back facing him, the chilly wind brushed through Hang Hang's hair, and even lifted up the corner of his s.h.i.+rt. It was the first time that he had seen Hang Hang being sad. Shuaige had always been smiling at him, occasionally he would get angry but he would always gently smile with him.
This time…
Liang Ze understood that he had made Hang Hang not able to laugh.
It was not just  Hang Hang who could not crack a smile, even he could not pretend to smile.
He had once believed Hang Hang's words, believed that it was the top and bottom issue in their relations.h.i.+p that made it hard to reconcile, thus he believed that it was the psychological adaption in this newfound relations.h.i.+p. But, now it seemed that the fact that he had originally rejected him is the real problem. He…does not love Hang Hang. It was just a normal kind of liking, any man can like another man or can appreciate another man, just like women can go shopping with each other hand in hand, men also can have a special friend that they can have a heart-to-heart conversation with. That is right, he and Hang Hang, at least in his heart, have an insurmountable friends.h.i.+p. Hang Hang is gay, he would have s.e.xual desire towards him, but to him…Hang Hang is a friend that he cannot lose, not even one step away from him. It was not that he had never tried, he had been patiently trying hard, thinking that…he would change in the near future, but his change had not come and this day has already come, but, so what?
The answer was too obvious, everything had been proven. No matter how much he wants to monopolize Hang Hang, it was just his male instinct of being possessive, he does not have the urge of wanting to possess his body, and therefore,…
Liang Ze hugged Hang Hang from behind, placing his chin on Hang Hang's shoulder as if to caress his shoulder with it. He had thoroughly hurt him. Even though Liang Ze is very stupid, he still knows that he had hurt Hang Hang deeply.
He embraced him for a long while, yet Hang Hang did not even say anything. Not even a word, not getting angry. Hang Hang just let Liang Ze hold him like that and breathed steadily.
"Hang…"
Liang Ze only uttered out one word, Hang Hang stopped him, "Don't say anything."
"I…"
Hang Hang turned around, elegantly putting some distance between him and Liang Ze, "Go back."
Liang Ze had never seen Hang Hang like that, his whole body unknowingly felt frightened. This is not a fear of someone about to kill you, where you can read the taste of cruelty and slaughter in their eyes; but, the look of someone who is about to kill you, yet there is only calmness and disdain in their eyes, as if that person is not killing a human being, but he is just casually killing some meaningless thing. The prey's life is meaningless to him.
Liang Ze closed the door as he stepped out, only a few steps down the stairs, he found that he was unable to stand still, so he sat down. The wooden stair made some creaking sounds, the sound echoed through the silent courtyard, and echoed along with the chilling wind.
They are now over.
In the moment of lighting up a cigarette, the little fire did not bring warmth, only coldness surrounding him.
Because he did not want to lose him, he bargained; after bargaining, he only ended up with a greater loss.
Once you let love enter the scene, the friends.h.i.+p is over.
How did he let such an obvious saying trespa.s.s him?
Liang Ze suddenly noticed that he was being ridiculous, he actually wanted to gain the basic yearning: happiness. He had ignored the most basic human nature that only a female and a male can have s.e.x. How come he had not realized it? If he had looked at the matter squarely, he would not have become so embarra.s.sing like today, right?
Right, many people have come and gone in his life, but this was the first time that he felt so embarra.s.sed.