As a spectator, my sense of time is different from Kazuki's. It's similar to watching a computer game; even though a lot of time elapses, I don't get very tired.
\nI have to repeatedly witness how they enjoyed their day together. Countless are the number of times that Mogi confesses her love to Kazuki, and he accepts.
\nI'm aware of my feelings for Kazuki. I think of him tenderly and wish to hug and squeeze him—to make him mine. Every time I witness them confirm their love, my heart suffers anew.
\n"What's this all about? Is this supposed to be a punishment? Are you trying to get your revenge by showing me what I can't ever have?" I ask the sediment, but unlike before, it doesn't happen to have an answer recorded for me. "…No, I shouldn't be calling it a 'punishment.' I should be delighted to see that Kazuki's happy. My own feelings are irrelevant."
\nWhile clenching my teeth, I keep watching Mogi confess and Kazuki accepting her confessions. However, as the sediment had warned me, much worse was to come.
\nThe change occurs during the tenth iteration.
\n"Please wait until tomorrow," Kazuki says bitterly in response to Mogi's confession.
\nAs if haunted by something, he disappears into the school building and leaves a baffled Mogi behind.
\nHe eventually reappears on the rooftop. Without hesitation he climbs the fence.
\n"What is he doing…? He wouldn't want to jump off, would he…? …?! I see, he must have noticed that the world is repeating itself, so he…"
\nAs he gazes at the ground with bated breath, Kazuki whispers:
\n"Maria!"
\n"———!"
\nKazuki jumps to his death for the sole purpose of meeting me.
\n \nBut the world marches on. Kazuki seems to remember the previous iteration: he ignores his duties of looking after Mogi and dashes out of school in search of me.
\n"Stop it, Kazuki…"
\nIt's futile. You won't find me. This is a world that can only exist without me, and you should know that.
\n"You don't need me to be happy! You have Mogi! You have Haruaki and your friends. They will support you. You simply have to stop looking for me … and yet!"
\nBecause he was unable to find me, Kazuki commits suicide again to retain his memories.
\nHe spills out the contents of his head before my eyes.
\n
Kazuki's meaningless search for me went on. He repeatedly committed suicide and transformed into nothing more than a lump of meat. A sane person wouldn't be able to keep committing such violent acts, and indeed, Kazuki slowly went mad and lost both reason and wit. But he kept looking for me.
\nThe number of times I cried, "Stop!" were countless, but Kazuki would keep dying before my eyes.
\nWith time the sky grew redder and the number of corpses increased. At last, I realized why this world looked so strange and differed from all the other worlds.
\nKazuki himself was dyeing the sky bloody. It was he who created the meat lumps covering the ground. By dying, he was defeating the purpose of this world.
\nKazuki has been doing this long before I started watching. It's by no means the first time he has regained his memory and continuously killed himself.
\nHe is defying the Flawed Bliss. The effects of fighting off happiness couldn't be contained in this little world alone; he inflicted damage on the Flawed Bliss itself bit by bit, which showed up in its other worlds as destructive foreign bodies.
\nThis kind of violence is no different from suicide bombing; no one will benefit from it.
\n"How can I stop Kazuki…?"
\nEven when he gives up on retaining his memories and decides to become happy with Mogi, it never lasts for long. Eventually, he always realizes that the world is repeating itself and starts killing himself again. He has been repeating this over and over.
\nThis is hell. For both him and me.
\nHowever, I am the one who created this hell in the first place.
\n"Is this…"
\nIs this the happiness I wished for? Something that is so vulnerable to distortion?
\nIn that case, my box has to be dest—
\n—No, I mustn't jump to conclusions. The other people I used it on didn't realize that it was all fake and managed to enjoy themselves.
\nKazuki is an exception; there is something "special" about him that makes him see through the deception and keeps pushing him to resist.
\n"I don't get it … what triggered it?"
\nHis feelings for me? But he's hardly doing it for my sake. In all honesty, I'd rather he forgot about me than suffer so much. If I could, I would gladly enter that hell in his stead. It's way harder on me to see him suffer than to suffer myself.
\nKazuki should know my preferences.
\n"Kazuki … come to your senses. Nobody is wishing for what you're doing. It's not too late. Forget about me and find your own happiness!"
\nHowever, for the first time in a long while, the sediment speaks up again.
\n(Heh, that was just the beginning.)
\nI was dumbfounded, but I would soon find out that this was neither a lie nor an exaggeration.
\n \nKazuki's hell changed once more for the worse, and began tormenting him in every imaginable way.
\nHe resorted to an absolutely taboo act: He killed Mogi. He killed his friends. He killed his family. He killed innocent citizens.
\nHe wants to rid the world of people so that there's no room for happiness anymore.
\nMurdering is way more damaging to Kazuki than committing suicide. If he keeps doing it, not much of his mind will be left by the time he manages to get out of the box. He will be tormented by horrible pangs of remorse for the rest of his life.
\n"Stop it, Kazuki … stop it already…"
\nI'm sure Kazuki is well aware of the consequences of his actions, yet he kills for the sake of getting to meet me. He's unstoppable.
\nBecause of his murderous acts, cracks start to spread throughout this world.
\nAah … they represent my own wavering heart. My faith in the Flawed Bliss is swaying.
\n \nKazuki eventually succeeded in erasing the other members of this world.
\nThe absence of external life also means that there is no meaning to his own life. One's meaning is created by the existence of an observer. Being all alone, Kazuki has gradually been losing his capabilities as a human. He can no longer ride a motorbike, he can no longer operate an elevator, he can no longer write, and he is forgetting how to speak.
\nKazuki is becoming incapable of doing anything.
\n"Good heavens…!" I lament. "He … doesn't have anything anymore, does he? He lost it all!"
\nAs false as this world may be, he can't hope to ever recover from a loss this great. Kazuki is beyond help, even if I were to destroy the Flawed Bliss.
\n"He lost even more than I did!"
\nHowever, Kazuki doesn't stop even though he lost all his abilities, and is repeatedly drawn to a certain place. Though barely conscious, he never fails to arrive at my old room. He then starts calling my name and knocking on the wall. Over and over. He keeps meaninglessly banging his fists against the wall over a nearly infinite period of time. My name eventually starts to fade from his memory, but he doesn't stop pounding on the wall. Kazuki has no heart anymore; he's just executing a program he once set up.
\n—Bang, bang!
\nAh … now I see…
\nThe sound that I kept hearing … was Kazuki calling to me.
\n—Bang, bang!
\nHe has been calling to me, all the while abrading his soul and becoming hollow. As a mere spectator, I cannot comprehend how long he has been beating the wall from his point of view, but it must be the equivalent of many human lifetimes. For a near-eternity, Kazuki has been pounding on the wall.
\nFor the sole purpose of meeting me.
\nFor the sole damned purpose of meeting me!
\n"Ugh … ah…"
\nCan I not answer his feelings in any way?
\n"Kazuki!" I shout. "Kazuki! I'm here, Kazuki!"
\nEven though I know it's futile, I keep shouting at the top of my lungs.
\n"Kazuki! Kazuki! Kazuki! Kazuki! Kazuki!"
\nI stand in front of him and shout his name.
\nHowever, he doesn't notice me, nor can I touch him.
\nThere is an exasperating gap between us. My box separates us like a wall.
\n—Bang, bang!
\nKazuki is wordlessly crying for help. Save me, it hurts, stop it. The shadows I came across in the ocean were tangible manifestations of the underlying emotions that drove his banging.
\nKazuki should have that freedom to stop anytime.
\nBut even though there's no assurance whatsoever whether he could reach me, he doesn't stop. No, he can't.
\n"Kazuki … this isn't normal. You are insane. You are insane to go to such lengths just to see me!"
\n—Bang, bang!
\n"But…"
\nI have to admit it.
\n"But it makes me happy, Kazuki."
\nOf course I don't want him to suffer, but I can't deny the fact that I also feel happy that he is longing for me so deeply. While I'm aware of the ugliness of this emotion, I can't suppress it.
\n"I'll be honest: I may have claimed otherwise, but I was lonely and didn't want to be alone. I was happy to have you by my side. You noticed my true feelings, didn't you? That's why you are pounding on the wall like this, isn't it? It's for my sake…"
\nI try touching his head, but my hand slips right through.
\n"But I didn't choose you. I chose my wish of making everyone happy instead and parted from you. I had to leave you if I wanted to maintain my meaning of life."
\nAnd this is what came of my choice. Kazuki only had me; he couldn't endure being separated from me. He had no other choice but to go on a fruitless and agonizing search for me.
\nI'm responsible because I did not understand his true nature.
\n"Enough of this. Screw my 'meaning of life' – I don't care if I lose my meaning and become empty … it's much worse to look on helplessly as you lose yourself. I want to save you, Kazuki! Because I … I, lo—"
\nSuddenly, I notice something and touch my cheeks.
\nThey're wet.
\n—Tears.
\n"This can't…"
\nI still have the ability to shed tears? I still have so much weakness in me?
\nNo, I mustn't become aware of it.
\n"Ew … ah … WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
\nThe tears keep rolling down my cheeks.
\n"Kazuki … Kazuki … KAZUKI!"
\nKazuki has brought back the weakness that I once disposed of.
\nHe managed to change me.
\nIn that case, I'm—
\n \nI'm no longer a box.
\n \n"UWAAAAAAAAAAAA​AAAAAAA​AAAAAAAA​AAAAAA​AAAAAH!"
\nI was turned back into a human.
\n"If I'm no longer a box … if I no longer have to devote myself to my wish…"
\nI scream.
\n"I don't care about my wish anymore! Just save Kazuki! Please, save him! …Stop it … Kazuki, I want to see you. I want to hear your voice. I want to feel your warmth. I want you to look at me. I want you to look at me just one more time. Kazuki … Kazuki … Kazukiii…!"
\n—Bang, bang, bang, bang!
\n"Come back to me … bring back the good old days! Enough. Enough! I don't want to lose my beloved ones anymore! I don't want to be alone anymore! Please … please … please … Kazuki … Kazuki … stay by my side…!"
\nSuddenly a thought crosses my mind. What if our positions were reversed?
\nI'm confident I would do the same things that he did, no matter how foolish it seemed.
\nI would abandon everything for the sake of meeting him, even if I had to neglect myself and he didn't wish for it.
\nWith tears in my eyes, I smile bitterly, "We're … we're strange, the two of us, aren't we? Kazuki?"
\nNo matter what, we'll try to reach each other.
\nNo matter what, we'll try to live together.
\nI wonder why that is? I don't know. I don't know, but there is simply no other option.
\n \n"There's something that connects us."
\n"Something that we obtained."
\n"Something valuable that is far more powerful than wishes."
\n \n—Bang, bang!
\n"Can you not hear me, Kazuki?"
\n—Bang, bang!
\n"Can you really not hear me?"
\n—Bang, bang!
\n"Well, then I will have to make myself heard!"
\n \nI wipe off my tears and button up my lips.
\nI made up my mind.
\nI will destroy the Flawed Bliss and go meet Kazuki in order to stay by his side for all eternity, even if he's just a shadow of his former self.
\n—But is that possible?
\nKazuki's situation isn't the only problem: my situation is just as problematic. Pursuing my wish forced me to push past my limits for a long time. When you stretch a string, it either rips or loosens, but it won't return to its initial state. If I lose the Flawed Bliss and all hope of ever obtaining a new box, I will probably be left in a mindless state. We can't be together like that.
\n—What should I do then?
\n(Find her)
\nMy eyes widen as I hear his voice. The sediment is speaking to me.
\n(Find the Zeroth Maria who is still crying.)
\n"…Who or what is the Zeroth Maria? Will I really be able to be with Kazuki if I find her?"
\nHowever, the sediment is not able to answer. I can't even tell for sure whether or not its words were directed at my dilemma. Nonetheless, I decide to trust in its words.
\nAfter all, they're Kazuki's words.
\n \nI return to the no longer transparent sea and immediately notice a voice.
\nWhy didn't that voice catch my attention until now? Because it was drowned by laughter? Because I didn't want to listen? At any rate, I now hear a voice I didn't notice earlier.
\nThe weeping of a girl is echoing through the sea.
\nAs much as I don't want to believe it, her voice sounds like mine.
\nThe voice originates from the deepest point in the sea, surrounded by the black sediment of distress. I don't know what will happen if I dive into this gaping darkness—I might be trapped inside and drown—but I take a leap and jump into it without any hesitation.
\nThe solidified darkness winds itself around me like viscous concrete, and a thick blackness spreads out before me. Darkness. Darkness. I can't breathe, I'm disgusted, I'm itchy, I'm scared, but I don't stop. I feel my way through the dark and follow the weeping.
\n"Uh, gh…!""
\nI'll be swallowed by the dark.
\nJust when I thought that, the black veil disperses and I arrive at a desolate place.
\n \n"This place…"
\nAh … I know this place. There's no way I could forget it.
\nThe salty tang of the sea, a road that runs along the sea, unmaintained, cracked concrete, rusty red barriers, and beyond the cliff, an open, breathtaking view of the sea. The other side is occupied by a weedy hill and a few scrawny trees.
\nThis desolate road took my family from me.
\nHowever, this place is neither reality nor memory. I wasn't here until it was already too late; the two cars had already been towed away from the site of the crash.
\nThus, the two cars that have broken through the barrier and are falling down the cliff at this very moment are not real. It's just a virtual image.
\nThat being said, the reproduction of the scene seems perfect and it all feels depressingly real. This daydream feels more real than reality.
\nThe deaths I'm witnessing feel terribly real too.
\nEven if I reach out, hoping to save them, I can't even touch them because I'm just a spectator. I can only watch as my family's car flies past me and falls down the cliff. I can't change the past.
\nMy father and the other driver died instantaneously. My mother passed away without ever regaining consciousness. My sister was still conscious but died during transport from blood loss. These are unchangeable facts.
\nThis nightmare haunted me up until I lost my memory—no, even after that. However, this time a new actress makes her appearance.
\nIt's me from my middle school days. I'm weeping bitterly by the hole in the barrier that was ripped open by the crash.
\n"Why…?" my former self blubbers as she looks down the cliff. "Why did you do this, Onee-chan?"
\nMy former self is gazing at her blood-stained sister—Aya Otonashi—whose lower body was crushed in the accident.
\nAya Otonashi starts crawling up the cliff. Even though she is about to die, she is still smiling; she still has that incredibly charming smile.
\n"You know why, don't you, Maria? I wanted to avenge myself on my family for creating the emptiness inside me!"
\n"That's not what you told me, Onee-chan!" I respond. "Didn't you plan to fill that emptiness by making all people happy?"
\n"That was my goal, yes, but not my only one. Revenge was just as important. I decided to leave my goal of making everyone happy to you, Maria."
\n"That's not something you can do…!"
\n"It is. The moment I lose my life, you will no longer be Maria Otonashi—"
\nShe smiles.
\n \n"You will be Aya Otonashi."
\n \nIt's true that she made that prediction.
\n
My eyes widen with surprise.
\nI look at Kazuki's leftovers, that sediment, standing before me.
\n(Stop making up convenient lies about Aya Otonashi. Stop running away from reality.)
\n"…I'm running away, you say? That's nonsense, even if it's coming from you, Kazuki. For crying out loud, Aya Otonashi has me cornered! What's convenient about that, eh? Nonsense, I say. I didn't want to suffer, either, you know? I didn't ask for this struggle…!"
\n(Stop deifying Aya Otonashi.)
\nWe are talking past each other. Well, that's only natural since the sediment can't actually react to my comments.
\n"Aya Otonashi is special. She has always been, from the moment we met. I think it's appropriate to call her superhuman," I say with a self-deprecatory laugh. "She actually knew in advance that she would take me over and that she would die on her birthday. And she took action. Not a single one of her prophecies was wrong. Aya Otonashi exceeded the bounds of humanity. She is truly special."
\nThe sediment stays silent for a few moments.
\nMeanwhile, the remaining upper body of Aya Otonashi has grabbed my middle-school self. She grips me with blood-stained hands.
\nThe sediment opens its mouth again:
\n(I went to the address where you used to live with your family and tried to find out as much as I could. It was easy to learn that you grew up in a complicated environment, but I didn't hear much about you, Maria. No one could tell me anything.)
\n"Well, I was a quiet child who didn't have any friends."
\n(But they all could tell me about Aya at great length. "Smart" and "beautiful" were the words they used to describe her. But I also learned that she was a real troublemaker even though she didn't cause any problems herself; incidents of all kinds kept occurring around her, and the older she got, the worse those incidents got as well.)
\n"Yeah, Aya Otonashi was that kind of girl, but so what? What are you getting at?" I say in a slightly irritated tone, though I don't know what is annoying me.
\n(Aya had the habit of saying that she wanted to make everyone in the world happy. Even her teacher at the time knew about it. When he realized that she was dead serious and really wanted to contribute to worldwide welfare, he decided not to talk her out of it and instead helped her with her plans.)
\nPlans?
\nThe distortion in space continues:
\n(He backed her plans of studying abroad in New York after turning 14.)
\n"Huh? What…?"
\n(Apparently, she wanted to broaden her outlook on life to make the world a better place. She also planned to go to various other countries after traveling to America. She didn't even know when she would come back. Her teacher told me that she somehow managed to persuade her parents, but that she couldn't bring herself to explain it to her clingy little sister.)