Gumihou: Mu⌠a distinctive lack of âshow donât tellâ re the meeting with the Guild Master. Gumi had to craft the dialogue according to his perceived personality. A smiley, pot-bellied, merchant-minded Guild Master.
The next day, I went to the Adventurerâs Guild with Demiurgos-samaâs words hanging over my head.
âHaahh, so weâre really goingâŚâ
ââWhat are you muttering about?ââ
ââOu, [5] isnât that the reason weâre here?â
All my familiars were in a good mood, including Sui who was riding on Ferâs back instead of napping in her leather bag. They were all really motivatedâŚ
Sui was singing, ââDungeon~ Dungeon~ âŞââ as she vibrated on Ferâs back.
I had informed everyone of Demiurgos-samaâs cryptic words over breakfast, butâŚ
ââSo? That basically means weâll probably see a bit more action, yeah?ââ
ââUmu, he even say you could call on him. So, I donât see a problem [5].â [5]
âI donât think you quite understand. I mean, God himself said we could call on him. That means he expected us to be troubled enough to call for him if we go to the lower levels, right? [5] So, I was thinking, we should skip the lowest levelâŚâ
âWhy? How are we to clear a dungeon if we donât explore the lowest levels? Especially when thereâs a rival there to test my strength, huah hahahaha!! [5]â
[8] ââHeh, with Fer and I in your party, whatâs to be afraid of? [5]ââ Dora-chan smirked.
Still, I canât seem to dislodge the worry in my chest. [5]
ââOi, letâs hurry up. We still have to go to the Adventurerâs Guild first before we can go to the dungeon.ââ
âThatâs right, I heard they managed to map the dungeon down to the 30th floor, so I want that map too.â
I also have the Teleportation Stone, and then thereâs Demiurgos-samaâs previous instruction to visit the 20th floor. However, this new oracle worries me⌠[5]
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âWoah, itâs huge,â [1] I muttered as I stared up at Brixt Adventurerâs Guild building.
The building was larger than the one in Doran or Avering. [2] Like all other guilds, it was very busy in the morning. Stepping inside caused a big commotion, as usual.
Anyway, I went in and picked the reception with the least people lining up in front.
ââOi, whatâs taking so long?ââ [5]
ââIt canât be helped since there are so many people,ââ I shot back reasonably.
ââSuiâs fallen asleep from waiting, [5]ââ
Indeed, Sui had fallen asleep while riding on Ferâs back. She was snoozing and going âmunya, munya⌠dungeonâŚâ now and then.
ââSui-chan⌠well, Iâm sure sheâll wake up when itâs time to go to the dungeon,ââ
ââEh, whatever, more importantly, are these people all going to the dungeon?ââ [3] Dora-chan flapped higher to survey the crowd.
ââItâs possible. Though this dungeon is famous for being difficult, itâs still quite popular since the treasures and monster Drops are very good.ââ [3] I said, quoting information I had gathered from Isaac-san.
ââHmm, would they have valuable treasures like Magic Tools?ââ was Ferâs unexpected question.
ââItâs possible to get Magic Tools, but things like jewels and precious ores are quite abundant too. The prices for these are pretty good, so Adventurers of certain ranks would come here to earn money by collecting these things.ââ
ââWhat do you mean thatâs all?ââ [7] Unexpectedly, Fer was the one who replied. ââThings that could be sold for coin are good. Money can buy things like meat from the Other World through [Net Super]. Money could be donated to Ninril-samaâs church too.ââ [5a] [6] Woah, turns out Fer kind of understands money.
ââIs that so? Well, once you get lots of coins, letâs buy meat from Other World!ââ
Our party continued to chat through telepathy as the line moved slowly.
[8]
Suddenly, someone yelled, âGet out of the way! Move aside!â
We instinctively turned towards the source of the noise and saw a potbellied 50-year-old man shoving his way toward us.
âMukouda-sanâs party, right? Welcome to Brixt! Iâve been told youâll be coming here. My nameâs Tristan and Iâm the Guild Master. Good to meet you. Do come this way.â
The overweight Guild master guided us to the second floor, grinning all the way. [1] Personally, I think his looks and personality fit the image of a Merchantâs Guild Master better.
[8]
Anyway, I let him usher me into a chair. Fer and the others settled behind me.
[4] âWell, well,â said the Guild Master as he sat down opposite me. âTo what do I owe this pleasure?â
[4] âUm, our party is planning to go to the dungeon,â I said amidst telepathic demands to âhurry up!â and âdungeon!â. âUh, we would like to buy a map of the place tooâŚâ
Tristan-san smiled and rubbed his hands. âGood, good, I understand you like to clear dungeons? Please! Donât be shy and collect as many Drops as you can. After Willem told me youâre heading over here, I had been amassing funds. We intend to purchase as many gems and precious metals as we can from you. [5a] Of course, we will also be happy to purchase any other dungeon gems and precious metals you might have on your personâŚâ
[6] âOi! Are you done yet?â
[6] âAh, I take it that your familiars are impatient to visit our dungeon?â Tristan-sanâs smile did not faze as he stood up. âHow rude of me, taking up your precious time like this. Time is money after all. [4] Come now, hereâs a map of the dungeon, take it. No, no, no need to pay. Here, let me escort you to the dungeon. Itâs only a 15-minute walk from here. Let me walk you. No, no, I insist. Itâs the least I could do.â
[8]
âAh, I, ah, wait! Wait!â Ignoring the grumbles from my familiars, I clutched at the map and said, âD-demiurgos-sama gave me an oracle. He said to investigate the 20th floor thoroughlyâŚâ
[4] âOh? You received an oracle from Demiurgos-sama?â [7] Tristan-sanâs sharp eyes flashed around once. âWell, well, the map covers up to the 30th floor. The levels up to the 22nd floor are pretty well mapped out. So, Iâm not sure what you expect to find on the 20th floor. Sadly, the 23rd floor onwards is not completely covered. However, we do list the possible monsters that appear on each floor.â
âI supposed there must be a hidden room of some sort, since God himself has sent me an oracleâŚâ
âI donât want to fight weaklings,â grumbled Fer.
ââDittooo!!ââ Dora-chan crowed.
âWell, we could take the Teleportation Stone right down to the 20th floor and start there,â I said reasonably.
âHumph,â
âOh, you have one of those, eh? Convenient things arenât they?â Tristan-san said cheerfully. âWell, do let us know if you find any new rooms or passages so that we could update our maps.â
âOnce weâve found what weâre looking for, we can transfer to the 30th floor right away,â I continued, doing my best to soothe the savage beast. âThat way, we donât have to fight too many weak monsters.â
âThere are only Gargoyles on the 20th floor. I donât like weaklings but since it is an oracle from God, I suppose we must go there.â
ââSui will help look~!ââ
âAh, Sui-tan, youâre awake?â
[5b] [6] âAhem, I should say that the dungeons here a wider than either Doran and Avering,â said Tristan-san. âGood luck on your quest.â [5b]
âAhaha, well, letâs go with the map for the time being. Even Iâm not too sure what weâre supposed to findâŚâ
[8]
Thanks to Tristan-sanâs authority, my party was able to bypass the long line waiting to enter the dungeon. We were guided straight to the teleportation room. In the middle of the magic circle was a stone cylinder.
[4] âNow, to use the Teleportation Stone, all you have to do is bring the stone close to this altar and say âxx floorâ and youâll be transported there right away,â instructed Tristan-san with a wide smile. âI look forward to your harvest!â
âAhahaâŚâ Iâm actually pretty worried about what weâll find on the lowest floor.
Anyway, letâs focus on the 20th floor first.
[Gumihou: Why so many tell? Show donât tell!]
[1] Structural Change: Combine 2 paragraphs
[2] Structural Change: Combine 3 paragraphs
[3] Structural Change: Combine paragraph & dialogue
[4] Structural Change: Change passive sentence to dialogue
[5] Delete Repetitive or Pointless Information⌠starting to delete pointless scenes now
[a] Blah, blah, precious gems and metals are scarce and in demand
[b] Delete âIâm going to find the hidden room first!â scene. Itâs just a âhey, hey, oooh!â scene that serves no practical purpose other than to add more words
[6] Additional Information for Aesthetic Purpose
[7] Add Dialogue Tag
[8] Creative Licence Taken â Adjust weirdly uncoordinated text re action.