Parsed with an automated reader. The content accuracy is not guranteed.
Past\nIn an instant, Du Jingâs kiss brought Zhou Luoyang back to a distant memory.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nThat day, they had also been drinking. Fang Zhou, Fang Zhouâs boyfriend, and two other couples were hollering loudly next to them.\n
âKiss, kiss, kiss!â\n
âKiss! Kiss!â\n
They were playing truth, yet theyâd turned it into a dare. Finally, Zhou Luoyang slung an arm around Du Jingâs shoulders, laughing, and gave him a kiss.\n
Du Jing looked calm and composed, and not at all embarrassed.\n
That had been the spring after winter break and the new year, at the start of the new term. Spring had replaced winter, and as the weather warmed up, Du Jingâs disorder looked like it was becoming very volatile. \n
People with mental illnesses had the most trouble in the spring. Ever since winter, Du Jing would sometimes seem okay and sometimes not. This made Zhou Luoyang very worried.\n
Du Jing was so quiet it was almost frightening. That spring, despite consistently taking his meds, he never went to class or the archery org, and he didnât wander around at night anymore. He wouldnât even step outside their room. Zhou Luoyangâs attempts to draw him outside didnât work anymore. Every time, Du Jing would say, âDonât want to go.â\n
Zhou Luoyang couldnât force him. He needed to âembrace all of his emotions.â\n
But he did have to keep a close watch over Du Jingâs behavior. He was worried that if he left Du Jing alone in the dorm, something bad might happen. So whenever he didnât need to go to class, he would skip and accompany Du Jing in their room, bring him food, and keep an eye on him.\n
In the end, Zhou Luoyang decided that this couldnât go on forever. He tried asking Du Jing if he wanted to take a drive up to Lake Tai with Fang Zhou and a couple other friends.\n
After all, Fang Zhou had mentioned over New Yearâs that they should go out on a trip together when they all had time. This guy always meant what he said and never spouted empty courtesies.\n
âIf you want to go,â Du Jing finally answered, âI can drive you.â\n
At the time, Fang Zhou had been studying filmmaking at Hangzhouâs China Academy of Art. He was on his fourth boyfriend by then and had decided to take the relationship seriously and to officially introduce his boyfriend to his ride or die, Zhou Luoyang.\n
So with some apprehension, Zhou Luoyang set out with Du Jing to attend this spring outing, which would last three days and two nights.\n
But as it turned out, Zhou Luoyang hadnât needed to worry. Du Jing was very careful. When he was in the presence of Zhou Luoyangâs friends, he acted completely normally. He chatted with Fang Zhou, Fang Zhouâs boyfriend, and the other two mixed-gender couples, who studied sculpture and painting at the Academy of Art, and he even remembered their names. He stayed very true to his quiet student persona.\n
Fang Zhou rented a four bedroom villa by Lake Tai. At night, Zhou Luoyang and Du Jing shared a room with one bed.\n
But what worried Zhou Luoyang was that once Du Jing plopped into bed after the daytimeâs social interactions, he would return to the complete silence he maintained in their dorm.\n
âAre you alright?â Zhou Luoyang asked.\n
âIâm a little tired.â Du Jing was staring at the ceiling, zoning out, and wouldnât respond to Zhou Luoyang anymore.\n
Zhou Luoyang was already regretting this. He had the vague feeling he may have made a mistake, but he didnât know what he should do. Any normal person might have long since reached the end of their rope or gone mad after facing this somber atmosphere for such a long time.\n
âIf you donât feel well, you should head back first,â Zhou Luoyang said. âOr we can have fun on our own?â\n
Du Jing shook his head and turned away from Zhou Luoyang.\n
Zhou Luoyang ignored his urge to chat with Du Jing. His greatest challenge when interacting with Du Jing typically was not whether they could reach a compromise when it came to agreeing on a decision, but rather that he didnât know what Du Jing was thinking.\n
Between typical friends, communication was necessary. It wasnât like Zhou Luoyang had never fought with friends before; once they talked it out, everything would be fine again. But Du Jing was sick. Zhou Luoyang couldnât go about this the same way he would with Fang Zhou.\n
He could tell somewhat that Du Jing didnât like these kinds of trips, but he didnât know what exactly the problem was. Zhou Luoyang was less concerned with having fun himself and more concerned with allowing Du Jing the opportunity to get some fresh air, and at least take a break from always staying shut up in their dorm and staring off into space \n
Sometimes Zhou Luoyang got really frustrated. Patience would always run thin at some point. He wanted to vent, too, and smash something.\n
Fortunately, he was a mild-tempered person. All his life, heâd been able to process and get over his negative emotions faster than anyone else. Ten minutes later, Zhou Luoyang was back to normal. He checked Du Jingâs meds and made sure that he really was taking them every day.\n
Maybe when it gets warmer and summer comes around, things will get better, Zhou Luoyang thought.\n
Du Jing had to drive in the daytime, so he was likely tired. Zhou Luoyang decided not to disturb him further.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nThe next day, Zhou Luoyang tweaked their itinerary. He and Du Jing went off on their own and hadnât yet decided if they would meet up with Fang Zhou and the others for dinner.\n
They settled down by the lake, Zhou Luoyang playing on his phone and Du Jing staring blankly at the water. There they sat for the entire day.\n
âAre you having an episode?â Zhou Luoyang asked, looking up from his phone.\n
âI donât know,â Du Jing answered at last.\n
Zhou Luoyang sensed that this could be the start of communication between them. At least Du Jing was willing to talk now.\n
âHave you been feeling unwell lately?â he asked.\n
âSorry. I ruined your spring trip.â Du Jing stared off into the distance.\n
Zhou Luoyang smiled. âTo be honest, I donât really like trips with such big groups of people. Fang Zhou is too noisy. I just wanted to wander around with you. This is pretty nice, what weâre doing right now.â\n
Zhou Luoyang picked up a rock and stood up. He skipped it across the lake, and the rock bounced across the surface of the water, leaving behind a trail of ripples.\n
âYouâre angry,â Du Jing stated.\n
âIâm not,â Zhou Luoyang said.\n
âYouâre angry. I know.â\n
âIâm really not,â Zhou Luoyang insisted.\n
âYouâre angry, I can tell,â Du Jing said levelly.\n
Suddenly, Zhou Luoyang didnât see a point in denying it anymore, and he admitted, âYes, I am a little bit angry. Actually, I should be the one to apologize.â\n
âYou should leave and let me stay here on my own for a little bit. Take the car.â\n
Zhou Luoyang had a bad feelingâhe was afraid that Du Jing would do something irreversible. This was beyond the scope of what he could handle, and for a moment, he was at a loss. According to the dynamic between them, he ought to say okay at this point and listen to Du Jingâs request.\n
But what if he drove the car away from the banks of the lake, and something happened to Du Jing? Then what?\n
However, he was worried Du Jingâs condition would worsen if he insisted on staying behind. After knowing him for so long, he was well aware that Du Jingâs physical strength far outmatched his own, and he would be unable to stop him from doing anything by force.\n
What if he called Fang Zhou and asked them to come over? Or what if he called the police? But he was worried it might further agitate Du Jingâs mental state, and it would also mean Fang Zhou and the others would find out about Du Jingâs disorder.\n
Zhou Luoyang mulled it over briefly, and finally replied, âHow about I go to look around on the other side? I wonât bother you. We can leave whenever you want.â\n
He left for the other end of the lake and settled beneath a tree, where he was sure Du Jing couldnât spot him, and watched Du Jing from afar. \n
At a little past four, Du Jing vanished.\n
Zhou Luoyangâs heart caught in his throat as soon as he lost sight of him. After confirming with himself that he hadnât heard any splashing, he wondered, Where did he go? He immediately got up and looked around for Du Jing, but he didnât shout for him in a panic.\n
After looking around for a good fifteen minutes, Zhou Luoyang was beginning to lose his cool. As he turned around, he nearly walked right into Du Jing.\n
âLetâs go,â Du Jing said.\n
Zhou Luoyang let out a relieved breath and didnât berate him. âItâs fine, you can keep sitting there. I just wanted to come back and look for you all of a sudden.â\n
âLetâs go. Together,â Du Jing said.\n
Thank goodness. Zhou Luoyang was nearly going to collapse. Those fifteen minutes had been the longest fifteen minutes of his life. If time could turn back, he never would have suggested coming on this trip three days ago. But fortunately the heavens took mercy on him, and this trial came to an end. Maybe it wasnât a trial merely for Zhou Luoyang, but also for Du Jing.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nOn the way back, though Du Jing didnât speak, he looked like he was doing better.\n
The night their trip ended, Fang Zhou opened a bottle of gin, and Du Jing passed his cup over.\n
âFang Zhou, donât pour him any,â Zhou Luoyang said.\n
âIâll drink a little,â Du Jing said.\n
âYou have to drive tomorrowâŠâ \n
âLet me drink a little!â Du Jingâs tone grew more forceful.\n
Everyone laughed. Fang Zhouâs boyfriend remarked, âLuoyang is like Du Jingâs girlfriend, making sure he doesnât drink too much.â\n
Zhou Luoyang had no choice but to give in. He glanced at Fang Zhou pointedly. Fang Zhou got the sense that the two might have gotten into an argument, and so he didnât pour too much.\n
âLetâs play truth,â Fang Zhouâs boyfriend suggested, and tossed the mahjong die onto the tea table.\n
Fang Zhou naturally was very supportive of the idea. He draped an arm around his partnerâs shoulders. âWhatâs the theme?â\n
âHow about âan important personâ?â his boyfriend said.\n
Zhou Luoyang glanced at Du Jing, whoâd originally been sitting at the table nursing his drink, but when he heard the suggestion, he sat down by Zhou Luoyang. Zhou Luoyang always found this game boring. Heâd played it with a couple classmates during New Yearâs, when Du Jing hadnât gone to visit him yet.\n
Whenever it was Zhou Luoyangâs turn to cast the die, he would say, âThere isnât anyone super important to me thatâs engraved in my heart.â\n
This was his truthâZhou Luoyang always got along easily with others, but throughout his childhood, his familyâs influence meant that he didnât rely on anyone too much.\n
His parentsâ divorce had taught him that marriage and love werenât unbreakable vows. And the long period of time when he lived without family, when relations with relatives were kept up mostly just by virtue of their blood connection, had ultimately taught him that as time went by, people would come and go. Others would always be nothing but passing guests who could only accompany him for a limited span of time; the only one who would stick with him forever was himself.\n
And yet, for some reason, during that game before New Yearâs, Du Jing had suddenly popped into his mind as heâd said that he didnât have anyone important to him. \n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nâAre you playing too?â Zhou Luoyang asked.\n
âIâm playing.â Du Jing passed Fang Zhou his cup again, but Fang Zhou just smiled. âI canât pour you any more, or else Luoyang will yell at me.â\n
Du Jing took the bottle of gin from him and poured himself a generous amount.\n
âDoes Jing ge have a girlfriend?â a girl asked, smiling.\n
âYou can ask later,â he said.\n
âAre you planning on introducing him to one? I know his type. When weâre free, Iâll fill you in in private,â Zhou Luoyang said.\n
Du Jing glanced at Zhou Luoyang. âWhen did I ever talk about my type? You got sick of me, so youâre in a hurry to toss me to someone else, is that right?â \n
Zhou Luoyang thought for a moment. âI guessed it.â\n
The group laughed. Zhou Luoyang, tipsy, joked, âI know everything Du Jingâs thinking.â\n
Zhou Luoyang had ulterior motives in saying this. Sometimes, he wondered what kind of person Du Jing would date and start a family with, if he were cured. Someone smart, kind, generous, and patient, most likely? Only a partner like that could understand Du Jing and discover his assets. \n
âIâm sick,â Du Jing suddenly said. âThe doctor told me I shouldnât ever date or get married. Iâve got a hereditary illness and a disfigurement. Iâd better not bring disaster to someone.â\n
Now everyone felt a bit awkward. Even for Zhou Luoyang, this was the first time heâd heard Du Jing talk about it this way.\n
âYou can go child-free while you and your partner both workâdual income, no kids. There are plenty of people who donât want kids,â said Fang Zhou.\n
âAlso, youâre very handsome,â Fang Zhouâs boyfriend supplied.\n
Everyone laughed. One of the guys figured it was time to change the subject, and said, âWhoever the die rolls to has to go. Iâll toss it first.â\n
The die rolled around and around, catching quite a few people as its target. Zhou Luoyang didnât actually care about other peopleâs beliefs or pasts or the most important people in their lives. Those were all other peopleâs stories. For those who were involved in the stories, perhaps the familial affections, platonic affections, and romantic affections were bone-deep, but to a passerby, these stories really werenât noteworthy at all.\n
But Zhou Luoyang discovered something very realâwhen the guys spilled their truth, every last one of them said their first love was once the most important person in their lives.\n
Even Fang Zhou couldnât escape this fate.\n
When it was the two girlsâ turns, they said their current boyfriend was the most important person in their lives.\n
âPast, past,â Fang Zhou emphasized. âWeâre talking about the past.â\n
âIt was the past five minutes ago, and it was also the past twenty-four hours ago, alright?â one girl returned. âWhy canât I pick him?â\n
Fang Zhou got clever and prevented his current boyfriend from dredging stuff up from the past. When it was his boyfriendâs turn, he also said it was his first love.\n
Zhou Luoyang smiled. He found this topic very realistic, but also very sad.\n
âMy turn,â said Du Jing.\n
He tossed the die. It rolled to a stop in front of Zhou Luoyang. \n
âHmâŠâ Zhou Luoyang considered it for a moment.\n
âDonât bother asking,â Fang Zhou said. âLuoyangâs answer is always the same. Alright, roll, itâs your turn.â\n
The others didnât know Zhou Luoyangâs previous response to this question, though, and Zhou Luoyang switched his answer this time. âItâs Du Jing, I think.â\n
Du Jing seemed to want to say something, but he kept quiet. Zhou Luoyang smiled. âDonât believe me?â\n
âThatâs not it,â Du Jing said. âI believe everything you say.â\n
âOoohââ Everyone promptly began to hoot.\n
Zhou Luoyang didnât want to explain any more. He gazed at Du Jing reproachfully. Youâve really given me a hard time these past couple days.\n
Suddenly, Du Jing asked, âIs it because of a sense of responsibility? Or affection?â\n
Fang Zhou glanced between them, puzzled.\n
The others didnât understand what the question meant, but Zhou Luoyang understood. Do you care so much about me because you feel responsible for me, or is it because I really am important to you?\n
The question angered Zhou Luoyang a little bit, but he didnât get the chance to carefully sort out the implications behind it. Both of them were tipsy, and people tended to say dumb things when they were under the influence of alcohol.\n
Might as well let him vent, Zhou Luoyang thought. Itâs good for Du Jing to be able to vent his emotions from time to time.\n
âItâs whichever option you want it to be,â he answered stiffly.\n
In the end, he tacked on, âI told you not to drink.â\n
The living room went strangely quiet. No one spoke. Zhou Luoyang cast the die. It spun in a circle several times. If it stopped in front of someone whoâd already gone, then the next round would start, and Du Jing, who had not gone during the first round, would have dodged the bullet.\n
The next round would be a continuation of the first roundâs topic, except it would get more personalâthe question would be something like âhow far did you get with that person?â\n
But when the die stilled, it just so happened to have landed in front of Du Jing.\n
âOhââ Fang Zhou grinned. âNo one managed to escape. Your turn.â\n
At the very beginning, Zhou Luoyang had wondered who the most important person to Du Jing was. He didnât think it was himself, but he didnât mind.\n
He said he didnât mind, but he was nonetheless a bit disappointed deep inside. Zhou Luoyang couldnât help but start contemplating a question heâd never thought about before; he began to reevaluate his and Du Jingâs relationship. \n
Would they separate one day? After they finished their four years of college, would they each go their separate ways, just like all other pairs of roommates? If they got along well, then at most they would catch up on the phone from time to time, and when he got married he would ask Du Jing to be his best man. But gradually they would drift apart, until they became strangersâŠÂ \n
âItâs Zhou Luoyang.â Du Jingâs voice drew him out of his thoughts. He looked up and just slightly to the side, glancing at Du Jing, who sat next to him.\n
âZhou Luoyang is the most important person in my life,â Du Jing said steadily, âin my past, in my present, and in my future.â\n
This declaration was hardly inferior to a confession of love. Zhou Luoyang hadnât expected Du Jing to take this so seriously. Even though they were both of the same gender, such a declaration was still rather intense.\n
The group erupted in excited, drunken hollering.\n
Fang Zhou was upset by that and had a fit of jealousy right on the spot. âWhat do you mean by that! Luoyang is mine!â\n
âHeâs mine,â Du Jing said.\n
âHeâs mine!â\n
âHeâs mine,â Du Jing repeated resolutely.\n
Fang Zhou was starting to forget himself a little bit. âWeâve known each other since nursery school! Fourteen whole years!â\n
Everyone laughed uproariously, and Fang Zhouâs boyfriend called out, âKiss!â\n
Zhou Luoyang was bright red. No one present would have thought that on that spring night, there would be such a frank and forthright proclamation of the friendship between two straight men.\n
âKiss!â a girl echoed.\n
âKiss, kiss, kiss!â\n
âKiss! Kissââ\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nFor a long time after that, Zhou Luoyang couldnât determine if the truth heâd shared that night really was the truth. But often, the things you said without really thinking it through were indeed the truths rooted in your subconscious.\n
But to truly know and understand yourself was an immensely long and challenging journey.\n
On that spring night, amidst the laughter and the chanting, Zhou Luoyang hooked an arm around Du Jingâs shoulders, pulled him close, and kissed him on the cheek.\n
Just like the way Du Jing kissed Zhou Luoyang many years later, the night they moved.\n
The bitter taste of gin and the sweet fragrance of rum smoothly flowed past the brilliant lights of the night and fed into the racing river of time.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nTranslated by beansprout. Edited by opal.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nclick here for smoochie fanart (:\nby the way, make sure you didnât miss the mid-autumn extra we posted on xmas (contains no spoilers)! also, chapter 1 of tiandiâs manhua just went up!!!\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nPrevious | Table of Contents | Next\n