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Past\nIn an instant, Du Jing’s kiss brought Zhou Luoyang back to a distant memory.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nThat day, they had also been drinking. Fang Zhou, Fang Zhou’s boyfriend, and two other couples were hollering loudly next to them.\n
“Kiss, kiss, kiss!”\n
“Kiss! Kiss!”\n
They were playing truth, yet they’d turned it into a dare. Finally, Zhou Luoyang slung an arm around Du Jing’s shoulders, laughing, and gave him a kiss.\n
Du Jing looked calm and composed, and not at all embarrassed.\n
That had been the spring after winter break and the new year, at the start of the new term. Spring had replaced winter, and as the weather warmed up, Du Jing’s disorder looked like it was becoming very volatile. \n
People with mental illnesses had the most trouble in the spring. Ever since winter, Du Jing would sometimes seem okay and sometimes not. This made Zhou Luoyang very worried.\n
Du Jing was so quiet it was almost frightening. That spring, despite consistently taking his meds, he never went to class or the archery org, and he didn’t wander around at night anymore. He wouldn’t even step outside their room. Zhou Luoyang’s attempts to draw him outside didn’t work anymore. Every time, Du Jing would say, “Don’t want to go.”\n
Zhou Luoyang couldn’t force him. He needed to “embrace all of his emotions.”\n
But he did have to keep a close watch over Du Jing’s behavior. He was worried that if he left Du Jing alone in the dorm, something bad might happen. So whenever he didn’t need to go to class, he would skip and accompany Du Jing in their room, bring him food, and keep an eye on him.\n
In the end, Zhou Luoyang decided that this couldn’t go on forever. He tried asking Du Jing if he wanted to take a drive up to Lake Tai with Fang Zhou and a couple other friends.\n
After all, Fang Zhou had mentioned over New Year’s that they should go out on a trip together when they all had time. This guy always meant what he said and never spouted empty courtesies.\n
“If you want to go,” Du Jing finally answered, “I can drive you.”\n
At the time, Fang Zhou had been studying filmmaking at Hangzhou’s China Academy of Art. He was on his fourth boyfriend by then and had decided to take the relationship seriously and to officially introduce his boyfriend to his ride or die, Zhou Luoyang.\n
So with some apprehension, Zhou Luoyang set out with Du Jing to attend this spring outing, which would last three days and two nights.\n
But as it turned out, Zhou Luoyang hadn’t needed to worry. Du Jing was very careful. When he was in the presence of Zhou Luoyang’s friends, he acted completely normally. He chatted with Fang Zhou, Fang Zhou’s boyfriend, and the other two mixed-gender couples, who studied sculpture and painting at the Academy of Art, and he even remembered their names. He stayed very true to his quiet student persona.\n
Fang Zhou rented a four bedroom villa by Lake Tai. At night, Zhou Luoyang and Du Jing shared a room with one bed.\n
But what worried Zhou Luoyang was that once Du Jing plopped into bed after the daytime’s social interactions, he would return to the complete silence he maintained in their dorm.\n
“Are you alright?” Zhou Luoyang asked.\n
“I’m a little tired.” Du Jing was staring at the ceiling, zoning out, and wouldn’t respond to Zhou Luoyang anymore.\n
Zhou Luoyang was already regretting this. He had the vague feeling he may have made a mistake, but he didn’t know what he should do. Any normal person might have long since reached the end of their rope or gone mad after facing this somber atmosphere for such a long time.\n
“If you don’t feel well, you should head back first,” Zhou Luoyang said. “Or we can have fun on our own?”\n
Du Jing shook his head and turned away from Zhou Luoyang.\n
Zhou Luoyang ignored his urge to chat with Du Jing. His greatest challenge when interacting with Du Jing typically was not whether they could reach a compromise when it came to agreeing on a decision, but rather that he didn’t know what Du Jing was thinking.\n
Between typical friends, communication was necessary. It wasn’t like Zhou Luoyang had never fought with friends before; once they talked it out, everything would be fine again. But Du Jing was sick. Zhou Luoyang couldn’t go about this the same way he would with Fang Zhou.\n
He could tell somewhat that Du Jing didn’t like these kinds of trips, but he didn’t know what exactly the problem was. Zhou Luoyang was less concerned with having fun himself and more concerned with allowing Du Jing the opportunity to get some fresh air, and at least take a break from always staying shut up in their dorm and staring off into space \n
Sometimes Zhou Luoyang got really frustrated. Patience would always run thin at some point. He wanted to vent, too, and smash something.\n
Fortunately, he was a mild-tempered person. All his life, he’d been able to process and get over his negative emotions faster than anyone else. Ten minutes later, Zhou Luoyang was back to normal. He checked Du Jing’s meds and made sure that he really was taking them every day.\n
Maybe when it gets warmer and summer comes around, things will get better, Zhou Luoyang thought.\n
Du Jing had to drive in the daytime, so he was likely tired. Zhou Luoyang decided not to disturb him further.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nThe next day, Zhou Luoyang tweaked their itinerary. He and Du Jing went off on their own and hadn’t yet decided if they would meet up with Fang Zhou and the others for dinner.\n
They settled down by the lake, Zhou Luoyang playing on his phone and Du Jing staring blankly at the water. There they sat for the entire day.\n
“Are you having an episode?” Zhou Luoyang asked, looking up from his phone.\n
“I don’t know,” Du Jing answered at last.\n
Zhou Luoyang sensed that this could be the start of communication between them. At least Du Jing was willing to talk now.\n
“Have you been feeling unwell lately?” he asked.\n
“Sorry. I ruined your spring trip.” Du Jing stared off into the distance.\n
Zhou Luoyang smiled. “To be honest, I don’t really like trips with such big groups of people. Fang Zhou is too noisy. I just wanted to wander around with you. This is pretty nice, what we’re doing right now.”\n
Zhou Luoyang picked up a rock and stood up. He skipped it across the lake, and the rock bounced across the surface of the water, leaving behind a trail of ripples.\n
“You’re angry,” Du Jing stated.\n
“I’m not,” Zhou Luoyang said.\n
“You’re angry. I know.”\n
“I’m really not,” Zhou Luoyang insisted.\n
“You’re angry, I can tell,” Du Jing said levelly.\n
Suddenly, Zhou Luoyang didn’t see a point in denying it anymore, and he admitted, “Yes, I am a little bit angry. Actually, I should be the one to apologize.”\n
“You should leave and let me stay here on my own for a little bit. Take the car.”\n
Zhou Luoyang had a bad feeling—he was afraid that Du Jing would do something irreversible. This was beyond the scope of what he could handle, and for a moment, he was at a loss. According to the dynamic between them, he ought to say okay at this point and listen to Du Jing’s request.\n
But what if he drove the car away from the banks of the lake, and something happened to Du Jing? Then what?\n
However, he was worried Du Jing’s condition would worsen if he insisted on staying behind. After knowing him for so long, he was well aware that Du Jing’s physical strength far outmatched his own, and he would be unable to stop him from doing anything by force.\n
What if he called Fang Zhou and asked them to come over? Or what if he called the police? But he was worried it might further agitate Du Jing’s mental state, and it would also mean Fang Zhou and the others would find out about Du Jing’s disorder.\n
Zhou Luoyang mulled it over briefly, and finally replied, “How about I go to look around on the other side? I won’t bother you. We can leave whenever you want.”\n
He left for the other end of the lake and settled beneath a tree, where he was sure Du Jing couldn’t spot him, and watched Du Jing from afar. \n
At a little past four, Du Jing vanished.\n
Zhou Luoyang’s heart caught in his throat as soon as he lost sight of him. After confirming with himself that he hadn’t heard any splashing, he wondered, Where did he go? He immediately got up and looked around for Du Jing, but he didn’t shout for him in a panic.\n
After looking around for a good fifteen minutes, Zhou Luoyang was beginning to lose his cool. As he turned around, he nearly walked right into Du Jing.\n
“Let’s go,” Du Jing said.\n
Zhou Luoyang let out a relieved breath and didn’t berate him. “It’s fine, you can keep sitting there. I just wanted to come back and look for you all of a sudden.”\n
“Let’s go. Together,” Du Jing said.\n
Thank goodness. Zhou Luoyang was nearly going to collapse. Those fifteen minutes had been the longest fifteen minutes of his life. If time could turn back, he never would have suggested coming on this trip three days ago. But fortunately the heavens took mercy on him, and this trial came to an end. Maybe it wasn’t a trial merely for Zhou Luoyang, but also for Du Jing.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nOn the way back, though Du Jing didn’t speak, he looked like he was doing better.\n
The night their trip ended, Fang Zhou opened a bottle of gin, and Du Jing passed his cup over.\n
“Fang Zhou, don’t pour him any,” Zhou Luoyang said.\n
“I’ll drink a little,” Du Jing said.\n
“You have to drive tomorrow
” \n
“Let me drink a little!” Du Jing’s tone grew more forceful.\n
Everyone laughed. Fang Zhou’s boyfriend remarked, “Luoyang is like Du Jing’s girlfriend, making sure he doesn’t drink too much.”\n
Zhou Luoyang had no choice but to give in. He glanced at Fang Zhou pointedly. Fang Zhou got the sense that the two might have gotten into an argument, and so he didn’t pour too much.\n
“Let’s play truth,” Fang Zhou’s boyfriend suggested, and tossed the mahjong die onto the tea table.\n
Fang Zhou naturally was very supportive of the idea. He draped an arm around his partner’s shoulders. “What’s the theme?”\n
“How about ‘an important person’?” his boyfriend said.\n
Zhou Luoyang glanced at Du Jing, who’d originally been sitting at the table nursing his drink, but when he heard the suggestion, he sat down by Zhou Luoyang. Zhou Luoyang always found this game boring. He’d played it with a couple classmates during New Year’s, when Du Jing hadn’t gone to visit him yet.\n
Whenever it was Zhou Luoyang’s turn to cast the die, he would say, “There isn’t anyone super important to me that’s engraved in my heart.”\n
This was his truth—Zhou Luoyang always got along easily with others, but throughout his childhood, his family’s influence meant that he didn’t rely on anyone too much.\n
His parents’ divorce had taught him that marriage and love weren’t unbreakable vows. And the long period of time when he lived without family, when relations with relatives were kept up mostly just by virtue of their blood connection, had ultimately taught him that as time went by, people would come and go. Others would always be nothing but passing guests who could only accompany him for a limited span of time; the only one who would stick with him forever was himself.\n
And yet, for some reason, during that game before New Year’s, Du Jing had suddenly popped into his mind as he’d said that he didn’t have anyone important to him. \n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\n“Are you playing too?” Zhou Luoyang asked.\n
“I’m playing.” Du Jing passed Fang Zhou his cup again, but Fang Zhou just smiled. “I can’t pour you any more, or else Luoyang will yell at me.”\n
Du Jing took the bottle of gin from him and poured himself a generous amount.\n
“Does Jing ge have a girlfriend?” a girl asked, smiling.\n
“You can ask later,” he said.\n
“Are you planning on introducing him to one? I know his type. When we’re free, I’ll fill you in in private,” Zhou Luoyang said.\n
Du Jing glanced at Zhou Luoyang. “When did I ever talk about my type? You got sick of me, so you’re in a hurry to toss me to someone else, is that right?” \n
Zhou Luoyang thought for a moment. “I guessed it.”\n
The group laughed. Zhou Luoyang, tipsy, joked, “I know everything Du Jing’s thinking.”\n
Zhou Luoyang had ulterior motives in saying this. Sometimes, he wondered what kind of person Du Jing would date and start a family with, if he were cured. Someone smart, kind, generous, and patient, most likely? Only a partner like that could understand Du Jing and discover his assets. \n
“I’m sick,” Du Jing suddenly said. “The doctor told me I shouldn’t ever date or get married. I’ve got a hereditary illness and a disfigurement. I’d better not bring disaster to someone.”\n
Now everyone felt a bit awkward. Even for Zhou Luoyang, this was the first time he’d heard Du Jing talk about it this way.\n
“You can go child-free while you and your partner both work—dual income, no kids. There are plenty of people who don’t want kids,” said Fang Zhou.\n
“Also, you’re very handsome,” Fang Zhou’s boyfriend supplied.\n
Everyone laughed. One of the guys figured it was time to change the subject, and said, “Whoever the die rolls to has to go. I’ll toss it first.”\n
The die rolled around and around, catching quite a few people as its target. Zhou Luoyang didn’t actually care about other people’s beliefs or pasts or the most important people in their lives. Those were all other people’s stories. For those who were involved in the stories, perhaps the familial affections, platonic affections, and romantic affections were bone-deep, but to a passerby, these stories really weren’t noteworthy at all.\n
But Zhou Luoyang discovered something very real—when the guys spilled their truth, every last one of them said their first love was once the most important person in their lives.\n
Even Fang Zhou couldn’t escape this fate.\n
When it was the two girls’ turns, they said their current boyfriend was the most important person in their lives.\n
“Past, past,” Fang Zhou emphasized. “We’re talking about the past.”\n
“It was the past five minutes ago, and it was also the past twenty-four hours ago, alright?” one girl returned. “Why can’t I pick him?”\n
Fang Zhou got clever and prevented his current boyfriend from dredging stuff up from the past. When it was his boyfriend’s turn, he also said it was his first love.\n
Zhou Luoyang smiled. He found this topic very realistic, but also very sad.\n
“My turn,” said Du Jing.\n
He tossed the die. It rolled to a stop in front of Zhou Luoyang. \n
“Hm
” Zhou Luoyang considered it for a moment.\n
“Don’t bother asking,” Fang Zhou said. “Luoyang’s answer is always the same. Alright, roll, it’s your turn.”\n
The others didn’t know Zhou Luoyang’s previous response to this question, though, and Zhou Luoyang switched his answer this time. “It’s Du Jing, I think.”\n
Du Jing seemed to want to say something, but he kept quiet. Zhou Luoyang smiled. “Don’t believe me?”\n
“That’s not it,” Du Jing said. “I believe everything you say.”\n
“Oooh—” Everyone promptly began to hoot.\n
Zhou Luoyang didn’t want to explain any more. He gazed at Du Jing reproachfully. You’ve really given me a hard time these past couple days.\n
Suddenly, Du Jing asked, “Is it because of a sense of responsibility? Or affection?”\n
Fang Zhou glanced between them, puzzled.\n
The others didn’t understand what the question meant, but Zhou Luoyang understood. Do you care so much about me because you feel responsible for me, or is it because I really am important to you?\n
The question angered Zhou Luoyang a little bit, but he didn’t get the chance to carefully sort out the implications behind it. Both of them were tipsy, and people tended to say dumb things when they were under the influence of alcohol.\n
Might as well let him vent, Zhou Luoyang thought. It’s good for Du Jing to be able to vent his emotions from time to time.\n
“It’s whichever option you want it to be,” he answered stiffly.\n
In the end, he tacked on, “I told you not to drink.”\n
The living room went strangely quiet. No one spoke. Zhou Luoyang cast the die. It spun in a circle several times. If it stopped in front of someone who’d already gone, then the next round would start, and Du Jing, who had not gone during the first round, would have dodged the bullet.\n
The next round would be a continuation of the first round’s topic, except it would get more personal—the question would be something like “how far did you get with that person?”\n
But when the die stilled, it just so happened to have landed in front of Du Jing.\n
“Oh—” Fang Zhou grinned. “No one managed to escape. Your turn.”\n
At the very beginning, Zhou Luoyang had wondered who the most important person to Du Jing was. He didn’t think it was himself, but he didn’t mind.\n
He said he didn’t mind, but he was nonetheless a bit disappointed deep inside. Zhou Luoyang couldn’t help but start contemplating a question he’d never thought about before; he began to reevaluate his and Du Jing’s relationship. \n
Would they separate one day? After they finished their four years of college, would they each go their separate ways, just like all other pairs of roommates? If they got along well, then at most they would catch up on the phone from time to time, and when he got married he would ask Du Jing to be his best man. But gradually they would drift apart, until they became strangers
 \n
“It’s Zhou Luoyang.” Du Jing’s voice drew him out of his thoughts. He looked up and just slightly to the side, glancing at Du Jing, who sat next to him.\n
“Zhou Luoyang is the most important person in my life,” Du Jing said steadily, “in my past, in my present, and in my future.”\n
This declaration was hardly inferior to a confession of love. Zhou Luoyang hadn’t expected Du Jing to take this so seriously. Even though they were both of the same gender, such a declaration was still rather intense.\n
The group erupted in excited, drunken hollering.\n
Fang Zhou was upset by that and had a fit of jealousy right on the spot. “What do you mean by that! Luoyang is mine!”\n
“He’s mine,” Du Jing said.\n
“He’s mine!”\n
“He’s mine,” Du Jing repeated resolutely.\n
Fang Zhou was starting to forget himself a little bit. “We’ve known each other since nursery school! Fourteen whole years!”\n
Everyone laughed uproariously, and Fang Zhou’s boyfriend called out, “Kiss!”\n
Zhou Luoyang was bright red. No one present would have thought that on that spring night, there would be such a frank and forthright proclamation of the friendship between two straight men.\n
“Kiss!” a girl echoed.\n
“Kiss, kiss, kiss!”\n
“Kiss! Kiss—”\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nFor a long time after that, Zhou Luoyang couldn’t determine if the truth he’d shared that night really was the truth. But often, the things you said without really thinking it through were indeed the truths rooted in your subconscious.\n
But to truly know and understand yourself was an immensely long and challenging journey.\n
On that spring night, amidst the laughter and the chanting, Zhou Luoyang hooked an arm around Du Jing’s shoulders, pulled him close, and kissed him on the cheek.\n
Just like the way Du Jing kissed Zhou Luoyang many years later, the night they moved.\n
The bitter taste of gin and the sweet fragrance of rum smoothly flowed past the brilliant lights of the night and fed into the racing river of time.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nTranslated by beansprout. Edited by opal.\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator">\nclick here for smoochie fanart (:\nby the way, make sure you didn’t miss the mid-autumn extra we posted on xmas (contains no spoilers)! also, chapter 1 of tiandi’s manhua just went up!!!\n
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