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Do you want to be a farmer or a hunter? Is that what the crown prince would say?
As I glared at him, Ray blinked his innocent eyes and smiled.
“When I become a farmer, I’ll send Dorothea all the things I’ve grown. Choose only those that are delicious and pretty.”
“Don’t be stupid. You are a crown prince!”
I really wanted to hit Ray like that. I couldn’t understand how you could say that you want to be a farmer even after you become a crown prince. He was already a man who was determined to be emperor. the highest position in the world. It is what I wanted so much!
“Oh, I know, I just… said what I wanted to be.”
As my voice rose, Ray smiled awkwardly and looked away. his shoulders dropped and his hands clasped in front of his stomach.
“I know. That I can’t be a farmer…I’m not that stupid, Dorothea.”
Seeing Ray, I realized that I had spoken harshly again and clenched my fists. I got angry again because of Ray.
‘Don’t tell me what you can’t…’ If I say it, does it add to the pain?
I want to become an emperor even though I can’t become an emperor. I knew how painful it would be if we can’t be what we wanted to be.
Then I suddenly thought of this. Surely, you don’t want to be a farmer or a hunter as much as I wished for me to be an emperor, right? It’s just a dream that often passes by children…right?
I looked into Ray’s eyes.
Ray couldn’t help but ask Dorothea again, cautiously, because the gaze had relieved Ray’s tension.
Ray sat a reasonable distance away from me, who was sitting on the bed.
“Hey, Dorothea…”
“What?”
“Did you receive my letters?”
“Yes…”
I got it, but I threw it away without reading it.
“Ah, You still got it…! That’s a relief. I didn’t get a reply, so I thought the letter didn’t arrive properly.”
What is relief? Wouldn’t it hurt more that I didn’t reply even though I received it?
I thought as I looked at Ray, who smiled relievedly.
“I was worried that you would be sad because you were living alone and I thought you didn’t get a letter.”
“Why am I sad?”
“It’s sad to be alone when you’re sick.”
Ray lowered his eyebrows and smiled shyly. To Ray, Dorothea had come to ‘recovery’ due to poor health, so he seemed to think that his sick sister was going down to the countryside alone. So, he made sure to send a letter at least twice a month to his younger sister, who was sick and was living alone.
He sent it so often that there was nothing special to contain, he often wrote more than five letters. In his heart, he hoped Dorothea would read the letter and make him want to go up to Lampas.
There are so many interesting things going on in the Lampas, and there are people waiting for her to come back. Tell Dorothea about what happened at the Imperial Palace, what happened at Episteme, new topics Dorothea might like, expectations of going to the detached palace, and ask Dorothea how she’s doing.
In the end, there was never a reply, but he hoped that his letter would be a little support and joy for his young sister, who would be alone.
I swallowed bitter saliva as I looked at Rey as he liked when he heard that I had received the letter.
“ I like being alone.”
So you don’t have to send a letter.
“I feel it every time, but Dorothea is so mature that she is like my older sister. I hate being alone…”
Ray waned like withering grass.
‘Mature?’ I said to myself.
‘If I’ve matured, life wouldn’t be this hard.’
It was only a shallow trick to pretend to be mature. In fact, I never liked being alone. If there’s someone who can enjoy being alone, that person probably has never felt really lonely. Even if you’re alone, you must be relaxed. A person who is truly alone cannot love loneliness.
But I had to get used to being alone because I was unloved. In the absence of the mother, the alienation from the father, and the neglect of Theon.
Today, I am still learning to be alone. So even if Clara and Stefan leave one day, nothing will happen. not to be attached to others. In a way that chooses to pretend to be mature rather than mature.
“You know, Dorothea…”
At Ray’s hesitating to speak, I still remained indifferent.
“Why does Dorothea hate me? Tell me and I’ll fix it.”
A brief silence was followed by a rather pessimistic question.
Ray was asking questions on the premise that I hated him. Of course, the premise was not wrong, but hearing the question directly made me feel like a bad person again.
I looked at Ray’s blue eyes which shone like a puppy.
‘Can you fix it by I saying it?’
I turned my head instead of answering. There were many reasons why I didn’t like Ray.
I hate you for being so stupid and kind.
I hate you to be the only one who sees the Spirit of Light.
I hate that you get more than me.
I hate that I killed you in my past life.
I hate that you forgot all the painful memories I had. I’m the only one who has all the memories I had with you in the past, so I can’t blame you anymore.
“Why did you do that then?”
I asked Ray because I can’t answer that question anymore.
“yes…? when?”
“Why did you give up on the game in the middle of the match?”
I really want to ask that. Why? why… did you give up.
“Oh, it’s not that I gave up, Dorothea, it is because I was worried about you…!”
Ray recalled the game of the match and answered.
Are you worried? If I asked you back then, would you answer like this too?
“Really. Dorothea. I never meant to let you off the hook.”
When my expression didn’t show any light, Ray added pleadingly.
“I hated it, Ray.”
“yes…?”
“You are good and I am evil.”
“What does that mean?”
“A fool doesn’t need to know.”
I lay flat on the bed. Ray looked at me, who was lying on the bed, with a confused look on his face.
“Stop it. I am tired.”
“Dorothea doesn’t like me being stupid?”
Ray thought Dorothea’s disregard came from his own stupidity. It’s about him hurting Dorothea, not understanding what she’s saying right away, not being able to memorize kingships studied, and often being wrong, So that’s why Dorothea calls him ‘stupid’.
“The next time I come, I will definitely be in the top 50 of the episteme test.”
“….”
“Really. I’ll promise.”
Ray added in a rather wretched voice. But I knew. Ray never made it into the top 50 of Episteme. Before returning, Ray had never even been in the top 50.
“And next time I come, I’ll write the rest of the kingship studies that I can’t write this time.”
I can’t believe next time you come, you’re going to write all the kingships studies. By then, my arms should have been all healed, are you still going to take care of me?
As expected, Ray was stupid.
* * *
‘she was that little princess!’
Jonathan ruffled his hair, recalling the day he had met Dorothea.
No wonder, She was carrying a strong man behind her!
It was unusual to say that the words Dorothea said to him were the size of a mouse, but that wasn’t a bluff.
‘Jonathan Bronte. Ignorance is sometimes a sin.’
Recalling Dorothea’s warning to him, Jonathan shuddered.
‘surely, you’re not going to retaliate against my family for what happened that time… right?’
“Young master.”
As soon as Jonathan was stuck in the room and feared with all kinds of worries, someone called him.
When he turned around, he saw Ethan, who was handsome as always, looking at him from the door and smiling.
‘That bastard, He knew that girl was a princess!’
Jonathan had a habit of getting angry when he saw Ethan.
Stupid child!
His appearance, which was so beautiful that it seemed unrealistic, seemed to provoke Jonathan even more.
“Why didn’t you tell me that the girl was a princess?”
Jonathan groaned and asked Ethan.
“I just didn’t have a chance to speak, Master.”
Ethan shrugged his shoulders, pretending to feel unfair.
“it is not so! You could have told me from behind!”
“But then I was too busy picking up things that had fallen on the floor.”
Ethan smiled brightly, which made Jonathan even angrier. Jonathan’s clenched fist trembled.
“A bastard who resembles his bitch mother…!”
Ethan’s smile cracked at Jonathan’s words. Not easily, Ethan’s angry face leaked out.
That was then.
“Jonathan! What does that mean? Where did you learn such mean words?!”
Duchess Bronte, who had just come to Jonathan’s room, shouted at Jonathan with a pale face.
As soon as the Duchess’s voice was heard, Ethan’s face, which had been mad, wore the mask face of the weak again.
“Ugh…Mother, do you think I am trash?”
Ethan, who had just been angered, wept and grabbed Duchess Bronte’s hem. The duchess’s heart was ripped apart as tears fell from his angelic eyes. Tears flowed down his white cheeks, dripping from the tip of his chin, and scattered like shattered pearls that touched the floor and the hem of his clothes.
“Oh, Ethan! Don’t listen to words like that. He is just angry and says bad things.”
Duchess Bronte wiped Ethan’s tears with her handkerchief and held him in her arms.
“Jonathan, you wouldn’t be able to take good care of your little brother, and you’d say that words. Calling your friends for a welcome party is canceled!”
“But…!”
“No excuses, Jonathan. I’m amazed that you know such a terrible word! I was expecting you to build up your good words in Episteme!”
The Duchess, who scolded Jonathan a lot, comforted Ethan again and made him stop crying.
Ethan sobbed a few times, then shut his mouth as if holding back tears, then wiped the corners of his eyes with the back of his hand.
“I am fine, Mother.”
“Poor child…Why did you come to Jonathan’s room?”
“After a long time, the young master…”
“What do you mean, young master? Call me brother, Ethan. I fixed it again and again, it breaks my mother’s heart when you call me like that.”
Then Ethan glanced at Jonathan for a moment, then nodded. Call him the master over there and call him brother here.
It was very annoying, but Ethan was using the difference quite well